41 Reviews liked by ClorthBoi

What I Look For In a Life Partner: stereotypically Italian, makes pizza and knows how to perform a spinning piledriver.
You know what I'm tired of? Player characters who only do wimpy attacks like jumping on their enemies, or swiping with their dinky-ass little broadswords. What are ya gonna do with that buster sword? Tickle me to death? I'm here to grapple with every goddamn thing I see, and uppercut them through the ceiling straight into other enemies, initiating a combo and gaining points like an even more sadistic version of bowling. Like a demented pizza-making freight train I dash around colliding into everyone like an Ed Edd n' Eddy character straight outta Hell with nothing to lose. I do a sick body splash too. You see that stupid sunglasses-wearin' pineapple guy? I'm gonna beat the daylights outta him. I hate him! He ruins every pizza he touches! I'm gonna smash you into the ground Pineapple Man!!! BOOM! POW! SMACK!

It kind of goes without saying what Pizza Tower is attempting to mimic. I mean, you know why I'm playing this, and I know why you're probably interested in it. Hell, it even has a golf stage perhaps as an allusion to the third game. Mario is jealous! He is so mad that Wario has better games than him! He can't take it anymore! He politicked to Nintendo and made Wario sit behind a desk to develop microgames for wee ant babies, while Mario continued to hog the spotlight! Denying us more pure Wario games with shoulder charging and butt smashing action! Say no more though, because a wacky Italian pizza chef straight out of some kind of What A Cartoon-ass 90s era CN show is here to deliver the good shit.
In the case of whether you're wondering if it pulls it off well, I personally think it passes with multiple flying colors of some sort. I would even go as far as to say it adds enough to become it's own identity regardless of it's painfully obvious inspiration. Peppino is a big-time brawler that I mesh with as well as tomato sauce and mozzarella, and just when you think the transformations are gonna start repeating they instead just keep cranking out more. Well, except near the end, they kinda go overboard on a certain one involving a semi-ranged weapon that people tend to hate in multiplayer. Still pastrami cool though, and it's gonna be really satisfying once you start making this game your main squeeze and master it to the nth degree.
•Heavyweight character move-set with professional wrestling moves [X]
•Collecting shit, but not too much shit. [X]
•Blast Processing [X]
•Sick Boss Fights [X]
•Cartoon Aesthetic [X]
Yup, that's a bunch of boxes checked. Vee is in love maybe. Pizza Tower, I choo-choo-choose you to be my Valentine. Swoon

Somehow every review I write on this ends up
hampered by issues in clarity,
issues of both creative phrasing and,
technically, meaningful content.
For certain, my critique on the game is simple;
on any grounds, the writing and story are harmful,
routinely espousing the most toxic of views towards victims.
Clearly, Bloober Team relies on shock tactics to earn clout, an
underhanded attempt to earn viral attention through harmful
notions and rhetoric. I'm not writing in clearest terms, and
that could be chalked up to being tired of thinking about this
shit for cunts.

You can go fast in Pizza Tower. Like really fast! I guess not fast enough because my warped little brain wanted to go even faster. I found myself instinctively holding the left or right button on the d-pad with an iron grip so tight my thumb started to hurt. All in the vain attempt to gain more speed.
I've been following this game on and off since 2019 and I'm so glad it turned out as great as it did. I played Wario Land 4 in preparation for this game and boy, its influences are very apparent. The most obvious one being the rush mechanic. In Wario Land 4, jumping on a frog switch activates a timer and you have to race back to the level's starting point. What this also does is change the level's environment; paths originally closed off by blocks are now open, and vice versa. In Pizza Tower this activates after attacking Pillar John and is known as Pizza Time. Just like in Wario Land 4, it's a race to the beginning, but along the way you can do some backtracking for collectables or secrets that you might have missed on the initial run through, the clock is always ticking though! The whole thing is quite exhilarating; making it back to the beginning with just a few seconds to spare is so gratifying.
To aid you in achieving breakneck speed you have a pretty sizable move set, a lot of these pretty much taken from Wario Land. You have the continuous dash, grab, ground pound, and all that fun stuff, but unlike Wario, you have a super jump which can be performed by holding up while in a continuous dash state at max speed. You can do a sick ass piledriver by pressing down in midair while you're holding onto an enemy. Wario doesn't have that (he has a piledriver in Wario World)! Defeating an enemy starts a combo which is maintained by defeating more enemies and collecting toppings scattered around the levels. Defeating enemies also raises your heat meter which increases the points given out; additionally, this makes enemies more aggressive, so make sure you don't drop your combo! Oh wait, you have this taunt which is totally useless right? Well, this totally useless taunt can turn into a screen wipe after accumulating enough points, indicated by you having an electric aura around you. The taunt can act as a parry for enemy attacks and projectiles as well.
This game is just fun and that's really all I can say about it. It's a video game ass video game and I'm all here for it. Side note for anyone playing, after the animated intro sequence, you see Peppino sitting in a dark room. Let this idle for about 40 seconds for a cool reward!

indie horror developers passing the torch of kids company gone evil arg game theory title every year or so

indie horror is dead. capitalism killed it.

At least Poppy playtime was honest.
- Merch store and sequel despite just releasing
- Blatant Poppy Playtime and Rainbow Friends wannabe
- Advertised as a full game even though it's a 20 minute tech demo
- Kindergarten bought from Aliexpress
- There are no system requirements
- Forced motion blur (it looks really bad)

One of the absolute best games for the Game Boy. The depth of Kirby and his friends' movesets is incredible for the DMG. The Super Game Boy effects are really impressive, in how it's able to use careful palette swapping and positioning of assets to convey more colour than would otherwise be possible. You even get little extra PCM samples on the title screen. This is HAL showing off their mastery of the Game Boy as a platform.
(Finding Rainbow drops is BS, just use a guide)

This is the sandbox game i always wanted as a child. All it need is to add a multiplayer system and an achievements system because it runs out of things to do too fast. Looking foward to future updates.

never in my life have i simped this quickly for a character, but chrom just hits different.
it's the perfect game to get into the fire emblem series. it's simple enough and yet intriguing. the characters are great and everyone will find at least a handful of characters they love. the marriage mechanic is amazing and i love my two videogame children very much. other fire emblems might have better mechanics than this game or a grander story, but this game is just so special to me.

Before 2021 I quite actively ignored the "Metroidvania" genre. The idea of constantly backtracking sounded like the complete opposite of what I liked about video games. I guess I really didn't like all that backtracking in Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door! In retrospect, I was a complete fool and I realized this after playing Metroid Dread. Going back to previously explored areas but now with a newly acquired power up and filling out your map activates all the neurons in my simple ape brain. Playing Symphony of the Night further cemented that I've been a total idiot for sleeping on this genre for so long. When I got Soul of Bat (ability to fly), I just had a big dumb smile on my face. Everyone knows about the second half of the game where you have to go through the castle again, but this time upside down, right? I thought this would make the game feel stale, but it being upside down really did make it feel fresh again and I was eager to explore it yet again. This game rocks and that's really all I have to say.