Bio
Do I play video games, or do video games play me? I just like thinking about them, mostly.

My favorites on this page will change depending on what I've been thinking about recently (except the top favorite, which will probably never change)

Starred reviews are more of a reflection of my personal feelings about the game (and a five-star review means I'm not trying) than anything else, and if you actually think review scores matter then I will shove you in a locker
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Adored

Gained 300+ total review likes

Donor

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Listed

Created 10+ public lists

Popular

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GOTY '23

Participated in the 2023 Game of the Year Event

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Mentioned by another user

Best Friends

Become mutual friends with at least 3 others

Loved

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N00b

Played 100+ games

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Voted for at least 3 features on the roadmap

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Found the secret ogre page

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Favorite Games

Moon: Remix RPG Adventure
Moon: Remix RPG Adventure
Serial Experiments Lain
Serial Experiments Lain
The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
Lost Kingdoms
Lost Kingdoms
Mystical Ninja Starring Goemon
Mystical Ninja Starring Goemon

170

Total Games Played

000

Played in 2024

013

Games Backloggd


Recently Reviewed See More

uuuuuUUUUUUUUUUUUGH

This is not really a review, just an opportunity for me to rant - because the gaming industry is currently at an absolute low in some ways and I'm sort of reaching a boiling point about it.

So I love the original Dragon's Dogma. It is, to me, the perfect game that just happens to be woefully imperfect. I love its worldbuilding, I love its gameplay concepts, I love its open world. I love so many things about it, but almost every aspect of it that I enjoy comes with a big ol' asterisk that prevents me from being able to give it the bright shiny gold star that I so desperately want to confer. Unfortunately, it languished in that lukewarm spot between "cult classic" and "abject mediocrity" that had me resigned to the sentiment that it would never get a re-release, let alone a sequel.

Of course, my fears ultimately ended up being unfounded, with the game receiving a fantastic PC port in 2016 and a sequel being officially announced a few years later. Seldom in my life have I ever been so excited for a release, and you'd better believe I was there each time Capcom finally loosed new details on the game. And now it's here!

The prevailing sentiment amongst those who have played Dragon's Dogma II seems to be that it is very much the original experience with some nips and tucks. To some, that might be massively disappointing - but to me, that is an absolute godsend. As far as I was concerned, the OG was a rock-solid concept that simply needed some careful polishing. The idea that Dragon's Dogma II could be loosely described as "Dragon's Dogma but better" is the very definition of a perfect sequel for me. As such, my excitement since its release has absolutely rocketed through the roof... Or that's really what I want to say, but the truth is Capcom's really managed to hurt my feelings this time around.

I'm not as flummoxed by these practices as I think some are because I was there when Capcom was shipping games with characters already on the disc that you had to pay extra to unlock. They were very much trendsetters in the hellscape that is the world of in-game purchases, and as a result their more recent monetization practices seem almost amusingly mild by comparison. In the case of DDII, it seemed to me that at the extra purchasable content was purely to "skip the line" with regards to features that already exist in-game, and thus were simply of the bog-standard "baiting the impatient" flavor. Note that I'm not blaming the "impatient" in this equation - I totally understand how irritating it can be when things such as character modification are arbitrarily gated off, and dangling an opportunity to unlock it at any time in exchange for a few extra bucks is unquestionably a dick move. However, it's not being excised from the base game altogether to be sold to you, so at least in that respect you have the option of ignoring it and simply working your way around it. To me, that's much more benign, even for as lame as it is at the end of the day.

But it IS lame. And so is the $70 price tag, and the shitty PC performance, and Capcom's usual shrugging off of player's complaints, and the fact that I have to reckon with all of these things if I want to play this game that I have eagerly been awaiting for years. I just moved to a new house - a life event that I am very glad for, but also one that is unquestionably a drain on one's finances. I'm really not in a position where I can go tossing every spare cent I have at the next big shiny thing, which already makes my primary hobby a very difficult one to entertain in 2024. However, more and more I'm running into the issue that even if I was the kind of person that could afford to pick up every new release, I don't know that any of these companies actually deserve it. Sony and Microsoft are selling $500 Netflix machines with barely any software to actually justify their existence. Nintendo is out here knocking over emulators and fan projects as if it's ever going to prevent people from pirating their games. Rockstar's assuredly going to ride off of Shark Cards from Grand Theft Auto 6 until I'm in a retirement home, CD Projekt Red is doing their best to pretend like they didn't sell lies to a whole generation of gamers based almost wholly on their Witcher 3 clout, Todd Howard found a way to resell Skyrim another time by dressing it up as a space sim, Konami is proving they will abuse their IPs as many times as it continues to make them money - and yeah, it's still making them all money! People are still buying the games! Day one! Repeatedly! Knowing full damn well it's probably not going to be worth it! And yet, the reason why I'm so miffed about this is because for once I feel like it absolutely would be worth it - because Dragon's Dogma II really does seem like it's the game I've wished for, but does that mean I should be dumping my wallet out for Capcom yet again? I don't know that I should. I know that if I buy the game in its current state, no matter how much I ultimately may enjoy it, it's going to make me feel dirty. And I hate that. I love games and I hate this. It makes me want to tear my hair out.

I can't roast anybody who has purchased the game and is having a good time with it right now. Life's hard enough and damn, if you're having a fun enough time that it makes your 70 bones feel like they were well-spent, who am I to deny you that pleasure? But just once - just once - I wish everybody would be willing to throw their hands up and say "I don't care if this game is the next coming of Digital Jesus, I want you to quit jerking me around". Because I'm tired of getting jerked around. I have massive respect for the people who worked a bajillion hours to make this game match the vision they had in mind for it. I know this isn't their fault. I want to reward them for their hard work by making this game a success, and I know my dumb ass is probably still going to buy the game once I can afford to (and once the game isn't melting people's CPUs). But another year of this and I'm likely to start writing off modern gaming as a whole in favor of diving into the "good old days" - because even if I feel like an old codger for saying it, there was at least a time when I didn't have to feel like a jackass for being excited about my hobby.

“This castle is a creature of Chaos. It may take many incarnations…”

I’m a very easy wizard to please. Give me an entertaining game with a tight aesthetic and a killer soundtrack and there’s a solid chance I’ll at least remember it years down the line. Castlevania has always managed to check all of those boxes for me. The tale of a family of badass vampire slayers dedicated to putting a stop to Dracula’s plans generation after generation is all I really needed to get invested. And yet, I must admit that while I had played nearly all of them up to a point, I couldn’t claim to have actually beaten one yet. I could come close, but for some reason, none of the games ever quite managed to sink their claws deep enough into me that they could convince me to make that last leap. I’ve since rectified that, but even back then, I could tell right away that Symphony of the Night was something… Different. When I first dove into it some fifteen or so years ago, I became so entranced by its pale moonlit glow that I was briefly concerned that I might never leave. I suppose, at least in my mind, I never did.

As with other games where discovery is so crucial to the game’s appeal, I recommend you experience the game for yourself before reading this review.

Five years after Dracula’s defeat at the hands of Richter Belmont, the titular castle suddenly reappears, decidedly ahead of schedule. Unfortunately for humanity, Richter himself is nowhere to be found. With seemingly nobody else up to the task of investigating this regrettable turn of events, Alucard, the son of Dracula, reluctantly awakens from his self-imposed eternal slumber with the intent of infiltrating Castlevania and putting a stop to this aberration. As he combs the darkest depths of the place he once called home in search of answers, he uncovers a conspiracy that threatens to resurrect the Dark Lord – and a long and bitter family feud comes to a head.

With Symphony of the Night being as revered as it is, both in the past and present, it can be a little hard to remember that it was (and still can be) divisive with a select few for being both too different and not different enough. As far as Castlevania as a series is concerned, forgoing the previous stage-and-score based gameplay with a heavy emphasis on platforming challenges for something much more RPG-ish and exploratory in nature didn’t sit well with absolutely everyone. Given its nearest neighbor in that respect, it’s not too hard to see how some might have been apprehensive about it. It also didn’t always impress on a technical level due to insisting upon retaining the 2D visuals and gameplay when 3D was very much the hot new thing. As time has demonstrated, however, this experimentation in style not only helped to inspire a whole new genre, but it also allowed the game to age much more gracefully than it might have otherwise.

The game’s greatest strengths lie in where such differences become most pronounced. Rather than playing as the latest in a long line of vanquishers, you instead control the main antagonist’s estranged progeny, who chooses the path of forgiveness while his father seeks bloody revenge for mankind’s transgressions. Alucard is a far cry from any Belmont, Morris or Lecarde, or even Belnades, being capable of many of the supernatural feats one would expect of those with vampiric heritage. And also unlike most of his predecessors, Alucard is not a static avatar – his equipment and statistics change throughout the course of the game, and consequently he can grow in ability and power. Gone is your linear and segmented tour through Dracula’s domain, and while many sections are initially kept just out of your reach, you will eventually find ways to overcome your obstacles until not a single inch is off limits to you. Being given the keys to a realm only seen in snippets throughout past games fleshes out the world of Castlevania and makes it much more tangible. Even from an audiovisual standpoint, things have been turned on their head: The original style inspired by classic horror films painted a dark, dirty and frightening picture of the eternal struggle between the Belmonts and the forces of evil. Here, Ayami Kojima’s rich and luxurious art direction accentuates the darkness while giving the characters and their surroundings a much more regal and majestic feeling. You really get a taste of the more decadent and intellectual lifestyle the Ţepeş family was at one point accustomed to. This is complemented by Michiru Yamane’s absolutely impeccable soundtrack, which is at different times dramatic, mysterious, eerie, or even funky, but always, always perfect for the scene it accompanies. These parallels even seem to be represented in the level design itself: After you pick over the castle once, you’re presented with a version of it that has both literally and figuratively been turned on its head, forcing you to reacquaint yourself with something you were only a short while ago intimately familiar with. When all of its aspects come together, the game manages to break free of any expectations and provide an experience that feels remarkably fresh, both in spite of the venerable foundation it’s built on and the trends of its era.

This concept is probably best exemplified in the game’s balance… Or its lack thereof. When you start the game, Alucard is absolutely busted. The handful of enemies you encounter in the castle’s entrance hall may as well be ants for how easily he can stomp all over them. You might briefly wonder if this game is going to be an utter cakewalk from start to finish. Then Death shows up and yoinks your fancy gear, and suddenly you feel pitifully weak even compared to the relatively mundane protagonists of previous games. A lot of time in the early-to-middle game is spent leveling up and scrounging for new equipment, whether by picking up drops from enemies or nabbing treasures. Each time you pick up an item, you’ll be cracking open that menu screen to see where any improvements lie. Over time, though, you’ll accrue a fearsome arsenal. As you scour the castle from top to bottom (and then bottom to top again) you’ll discover many secrets and hopefully learn a few new tricks along the way as well. Eventually you’ll get to know Castlevania like the back of your porcelain hand and will probably have stumbled across at least one of the various game-breakers on offer. That sampling of power you had right at the beginning grows into a feast. I imagine the first person who found a Crissaegrim nearly peed their pants when they realized they’d just picked up a weapon that almost automatically wins the game. Did you know you can equip two of those at once? How about the absolutely nutters Shield Rod combos – especially when you’re using the Alucard Shield? Did you master the input for Soul Steal? Level up your familiars to their maximums? How about other ways you can trivialize things? That doppleganger was pretty irritating, huh? Equip that otherwise useless Red Rust and you can completely shut it down. Wow, this bonus boss’s attacks really sting. Slip this magic circlet on your head; it’ll make your life a lot easier. Symphony of the Night does not care if you cheat. It encourages it. This is your house. If you’re so inclined, you can turn it into your playground, and once you get bored of it you can head off to curbstomp your nuisance of a father and get on with your life. I would never call this game especially difficult. However, it establishes a certain kind of power fantasy for the player and lets them indulge in it, which I can definitely respect. Anybody who tells you they wouldn’t want to be a pretty dhampir with a big castle and a cool sword is either lying or hasn’t played SotN.

And yes, the uneven difficulty can just as easily be a turn-off for somebody who was accustomed to the more daunting challenges of earlier games in the franchise. Your wandering will certainly feel a bit aimless at times, an attribute of many of SotN’s descendants that I know a few people wish would have remained squarely in the past. Some foes can be a real chore to deal with, which in turn makes some areas the kind few would ever wish to retread. The second half of the game can feel like padding, and not every part of the game feels quite as good to explore upside-down. It’s easy to balk at the cheesy voice acting and dialogue (though I personally feel the excessive ham is a perfect match for the game’s aesthetics, and I have a real soft spot for Robert Belgrade’s performance as Alucard). And to the person who simply cannot leave any stone unturned: You definitely have your work cut out for you if you pass on using a guide. However, while I think Alucard’s adventure can be a little weak at times, I still find myself unable to resist the occasional urge to return to that castle and recapture the magic I felt in uncovering its wealth of secrets. Even for as many other games like Symphony of the Night I’ve played, within or without its own series, none of them have quite succeeded in providing me with the same dignified pleasures as that first moonlit stroll. Not bad for 1997.

By the way, the “updated” version included in The Dracula X Chronicles tries to remove all of the delicious cheese, so please don’t play it. But you probably won’t listen to me anyway, will you?

To a lot of people, DC’s Superman was and still is a symbol of virtue. A powerful and heroic figure who, out of love for the little blue planet that gave him a second chance at life, uses his godlike abilities to protect the weak and punish the wicked. The character of Superman has undergone many revisions, re-imaginings and reevaluations over the 85 or so years since his debut. However, for all the many different things that big chest-emblazoned “S” has come to represent over the years, there is a certain population amongst whom it only heralds one thing: Terror.

I was one of the unfortunate many who played Superman: The New Superman Adventures (most commonly known as “Superman 64”) when it was still relatively new. I wish I could say I was one of the unfortunate few, but that would be a bit disingenuous – the truth of the matter is that despite its questionable quality, it still managed to sell reasonably well. How much of that was out of genuine interest or a perverse fascination, I can’t say. What I can say is that I was at least a moderate fan of Superman as a child and thought that being able to play as him on my fancy new Nintendo 64 would be a lot of fun. As an adult, I’m not especially fond of the character – and I don’t want to wholly attribute that to my time with this game, but…

So what is it exactly that makes Superman 64 so horrid? Is it the poor controls? Is it the sparse and unappealing presentation? The preposterous scenario? The irritating level design? The haphazard programming? The laughable combat challenges? Or is it the complete and utter waste of a well-liked intellectual property that should have been a prime candidate for video game-ification? The answer to that question is all of those things, which conglomerate into some kind of frightful chimera. Most grim of all, though, is surely how devoid of joy the experience is, with bugs and glitches that are more likely to infuriate than entertain, and missions that will spit at your attempts to take any kind of shortcut. Even those who gain sick joy from watching disasters unfold before their eyes will likely find little to enjoy here. Trying to wrest love from Superman 64 is like trying to squeeze water from a stone.

As a personal note: In retrospect, one particular aspect of its infamy really tickles my funny bone. The game had a rather poor draw distance that was masked by a sickly green “Kryptonite fog”, the developer’s means of explaining away the technical hiccups and the weak-feeling Superman you were given the reins to. It’s worthy of at least a derisive chuckle, but just a few months prior in that same calendar year, another game was released that utilized a very similar tactic. Needless to say, it went over a little better by comparison.

As of 2024, tearing into “The New Superman Aventures” just feels like shorthand for not having a whole lot of interesting things to say about video games as an art form – like waiting until the schoolyard bullies stop pestering the little orphan kid so you can creep over and make an ironic “your mom” joke. It’s well-documented that the game is bad. It’s indelibly bad; it’s certifiably bad. It was bad twenty-five years ago and it’s bad now. It will, barring some grand and catastrophic shift in perception on what’s valued in gameplay, never be broadly considered good. But the devs weren’t some Lex Luthor types wringing their hands and preparing to unleash a devious prank upon the unwitting public - they were just ordinary people who were dealt a crappy hand and had to make the most of it, or at the very least just needed to make it to their next paycheck. In light of that, I no longer see the point in dangling its desiccated corpse in the middle of the town square, as it would likely only be for the benefit of ignorant younglings and the local drunkard. If you have any doubts that its unfortunate reputation is well-deserved, you can dig up its grave any time you choose with a few mere clicks. The only thing it’ll cost is a bit of your time and perhaps a crumb of your sanity.

If there’s any one takeaway about Superman 64 for me, it’s how effectively it demonstrates the kind of legacy a broken game used to be able to leave. In an era of constant disappointments, games are consistently released in sorry condition only to be patched or reworked into a (hopefully) acceptable state over time. Hell, even as far as older experiences are concerned, people are now making marked efforts to improve games that they’ve deemed as just needing a bit of love. It can be hard to remember that there was once a time where releasing a game to the console market wasn’t something you could easily just “take back”. Over the last decade, we’ve typically associated miserable experiences like our on-trial Titus offering with budget Steam bloat or the innumerable “free” games flooding mobile marketplaces. As for the bigger players in the gaming landscape, any blunders are promptly picked to pieces on social media and all the noise surrounding it could ward off any potential buyers. Any ado about any given title is quickly swept away by the next mass of mediocrity. Back then, though, things were a little different. Devils in disguise generally had equal billing with the winners on your store shelf (at least until they hit the clearance bin), and unless you were Internet savvy or subscribed to some of the gaming circulations of the time, word of mouth was all you had. You could arrive at the shops with your Christmas money in hand, go “ooh, Superman!” and bring it home without a second thought. And once you slotted the game in and experienced that pain, pain was all that remained. Hopefully you rented it – if not, then hopefully you could return it - and you could tell your friends about it to spare them that dismal fate. But there was still no reversing what had been done. There was no hope of a patch, no hope of updates – no hope of it getting better. Superman 64 ala 1999 is a static creation, incapable of change, incapable of learning. That gray cartridge stands as a monument to the hubris of mankind, and even once the very last one has rotted away, unable to be played, the ghost will still exist through swathes of reviews, anecdotes and archival sites… And most importantly, the memories of those unfortunate enough to have been trapped within that virtual hellscape.

WELL DONE, YOU MANAGED TO GET YOUR FRIENDS OUT OF THIS NIGHTMARE…

BUT IN THE REAL WORLD, LEX IS STILL THERE.