Tired of motherfuckers in Olathe telling me, always in the bar, Brad Armstrong ain’t bout this, Brad Armstrong ain’t bout that, they say that fella don’t be putting in no work. SHUT THE FUCK UP! Y'all fellas ain’t know shit! All ya motherfuckers talk about "Brad Armstrong ain’t no hitta Brad Armstrong ain’t this Brad Armstrong a fake." SHUT THE FUCK UP! Y'all don’t live with that guy. Y'all know that guy got caught with buddy, Shootin fireballs at Rando guys and shit. Fella been on probation since fuckin, I don’t know when! Motherfuckers stop fuckin' playin' him like that! Them mutants savages out there! If I catch another motherfucker talking sweet about Brad Armstrong, I’m fucking beating they ass! I’m not fucking playing no more! You know his party roll with Terry Hintz and them.

[This is from the elk vault, a fully finished review that i never posted. Written back in february. I thought better release it before the leakers get it, u know what im saying? pls enjoy.]

I’ve given this game so many chances. When i was playing hollow knight i was thinking “damn its so good when i play a critically acclaimed game and it lives up to the hype.” Well why don’t I go back in time and dunk myself in a pool of cat bones for jinxing it so hard? I have been playing this game since 2019. I started when I was in high school and now it’s been so long that it’s become creepy for me to play this. Nothing in this game was cut, they threw all the shit they wanted in there with no regard for anything. With every second that goes by I dislike the game more. Which sucks for the game because it's 100 billion hours long. The game overall just feels like it’s only working because all the parts are stuck together with sticky tack and rubber bands. Your character controls soooo shittily. So crap. The way you maneuver around is so unnatural and weird and bad. It feels like I’m controlling a car in the shape of an anime boy with 3 kilograms of hair. Some parts you can only progress by using the detective vision to see which of the 3 little steps you have to press x on to jump. Or rather activate the jump cutscene and to teleport you onto the next platform. There is nothing in this game that feels smooth or natural except the turn based combat, which is pretty fun and stylish but oh my god it gets so old. I’m sick of it. The same song every time and usually in dungeons you fight a pool of like 4 or 5 enemies total. Once u figure out their weaknesses you use the same moves with the same animations on the same dudes and u stun em and u ask for their money or do the big all out attack animation again.

“Oh elk u hate turn based combat”

No I don’t, assface… Chrono trigger is fun. Like a dragon is fun. This is a cool system with some cool stuff I admit. But the enemies u fight r lame. The dungeons are boring too. They try to do a little baby stealth thing and tell u to ohh maybe sneak around but the stealth is soooooo dogcrap-diabetes tier that you can stand in front of a guy and he won't see you. You hide on a corner and wait for him to pass and go. If you wanna get rid of him you gotta fight 4 of these guys you already fought. You hit em with the attack they’re weak to, wait 35 minutes for the outro animation where ann does a strip show for the camera and u can continue with the game. Gameplay? MOSTLY BAD.

Story? Don’t get me started. This is anime. And not good anime like 1 punch man. This is crap anime like that stuff YOU watch. (sorry elksters I don’t mean to insinuate that you have bad taste in anime. I'm sorry! -editorial) I legit was considering fully dropping the game by the beach cutscene. And they still keep the -san, -chan, whatever stuff in the english dub. So they're saying hey john chan do you want to go eat at that restaurant? And it's weird cause it's in english but they've got the chan stuff. Whatever. U know what? I don’t care. I just remembered how much I don’t care about the story. It’s bad and that’s all you need to know. I just want to go home. So i’m gonna write a couple dozen more paragraphs on why I hate every one of the characters and you can like the review and we can leave, okay? Does that sound good to you? Good. That’s good. Hang in there pal.


Ryuji. My buddy. My homie. You’re alright. You’re safe from my wrath. You were the only one I could stand. Morgana. Shut the fuck up and stop being so mean to Ryuji. Stop following me into the bathroom. You’re not a cat, you're a dude that looks like a cat. It’s creepy. Ann. You’re also sort of chill but your voice is annoying. Stop inviting me to your modeling things. Yusuke. You’re kind of funny but I wouldn’t want to be friends with you in real life. You’re an anime stereotype. If you were a real person I would request a restraining order. You’re like the Pierce Hawthorne of the group. No offense. Pierce was my favourite. Well, actually Troy is my favourite but Ryuji is Troy. Kawakami. Get the fuck out of my dm’s before I demolish you. Creepy bitch. Grown ass woman hitting me up at night calling me master. Restraining order on this chick too. Reporter chick, same as above. Mishima. Same as above but just the ‘get out of my dms’ part. Maybe not a restraining order, maybe I’d just block his number and avoid him at school. Makoto. Anyone ever told you it’s not cool to come to a group of friends and say “let me join you or else I'm telling the teacher you’re excluding me” ? and then you come in and be mean to Ryuji. If we’re letting you in, I know you won’t stop being a total nerd loser but at least don’t be mean to Ryuji. Futaba. Wahhh my mom my mom wahhh get over it and get over it NOW. I don’t care, stop crying about it and go take a shower. Shut up about being a gamer and push your glasses up; they look like they're about to fall. And stop being mean to Ryuji. Iwai. Hiiii how are you hahahahhaha gosh Iwai you’re so cool. Can you tell me what THIS gun does? Oh my goshhhh you’re so freaking smart hahahhaa loll. Haru. You are fine. I hope you have a wonderful and fulfilling life. Good luck on those plants. But you are rich and I’m still the one buying all the guns and shit for the phantom thieves. It’s like Clark Kent buying the justice league a space station on a daily bugle reporter budget with Bruce Wayne right there. Akechi, why do you talk like that? Your voice is weird. You talk like one of those “boyfriend comforts you after a nightmare” ASMR audios. Not that I would know.

The music is great at least and the hud stuff is unique and cool. I love the subway system. The whole first palace was really fun and actually pretty hype. It’s a unique setup having to go to school and balance life and secret dream dungeon stuff, even if it was really shittily done. I hope a competent developer takes over that idea and we get, like, a shazam game where you have to go to school and at any time during any cutscene or whatever you can press a button to say shazam and turn into captain marvel and get arrested and game over. Wouldn’t that be sick?

What else? Oh whatever, I’m done. This game sucks, the story sucks, and you have one friend who you can stand while random older chicks spam your dms all the time while you’re trying to do pull ups in the attic. Well, I guess it is pretty accurate to my high school experience in that way.

#PSA
Early on in the game, there is a song by "r*diohead" that is played. Please press ESC on keyboard or the START button on your controller, select the OPTIONS, go into LIVE STREAM and DISABLE LICENSED MUSIC. You can go through the whole segment and then turn it back on, because to reward you for getting through the dogshit, there is an eminem song later in the game. I won't say which, or what scene, or in what circumstance, but just look forward to it. It was necessary to show Alex's growth from crappy music taste to decent human being.

The game itself is good but just like life is strange 1 before it, it never really grew outta the 2012 tumblr pinterestagram 21 pilots type of writing. But it is still good and fun for the most part! It's very slice of lifey and quaint

"The Dynamics of Design, Verisimilitude, and Anachronism in the Video Game 'Hollow Knight': A critical examination of Cacophony and Sanctimony in Achieving Narrative Dynamism."

ABSTRACT
Hollow knight is a badass game. It didn’t just pull me out of my gaming slump, it pulled me by the collar and threw me onto the subway tracks. But the subway tracks were abandoned so I explored the tunnels and it turns out there’s a whole area down here behind a hidden wall I only found by shooting a fireball at a bee and hitting behind it. This is all metaphorical. The research methodology used in this study is a qualitative analysis of the selected media forms, including critical textual analysis and thematic analysis.

Lost your attention? Sorry I’ll stop doing the fancy word essay gimmick. I know you’re not here for that. Let's be real; I’m the realest reviewer on backloggd. That’s why you always come to me. That’s why you read my reviews. That’s why every time I meet a fan in public and they ask me for my autograph, they also tell me I am the reviewer they wait for until they play a game. It’s been 6 years since Hollow Knight came out and unfortunately I’ve been keeping my fans waiting for way too long. But worry no longer, Elksters. You can finally stop telling people that you haven’t played hollow knight because you’re waiting for the Elkmane review. It’s here. And I permit you to play it. Go ahead! If you haven’t already. But you probably haven’t, cause you all listened to me when I said don’t play games I haven’t tested and approved, right? You know why I do what I do? I taste test these games and warn of poison. You elksters are the kings and queens and rulers and I am the poison tester jester. You haven’t played it yet? Good! But I hope you finish it soon because I’m gonna go in depth and there's gonna be some spoilers.

So … it’s been a while since I've done a proper ass review. Hm. I guess we can start with how every good thing in the universe starts.

A lot of people ask me… stupid fucking questions. A lot of people think that … what I say in a review. Or what I talk about in a review. That I actually… do in real life. Or that I believe in it. Or if I say that… I wish that fangirl bug you rescue and bring to Dirtmouth had a more indepth romance path… I actually want them to do it, or that I believe in it. Well shit. If you believe that… then I’ll kill you. You know why? Because I freaking love the gameplay! I love the gameplay!

The gameplay is very nice. It’s 2D and you can move around and attack and stuff. Yada yada. But every action game is made or broken with its healing system. That's why Dark Souls is the GOAT and Skyrim sucks dicks. What do I think of hollow knight’s healing system? I think it’s good. It’s a little forgiving, especially with certain charms equipped like the shape of Unn and quick soul or whatever it’s called but it’s fine because some bosses can be very unforgiving. The whole battle can be trying to not get hit until you stagger or get them to do the one move you need so you have enough time to get off 1 heart of healing. It’s a super cool system that is also balanced by the magic system which draws off the same soul. I do think there's a problem with the extra soul canisters taking a second to reload and go into your main, usable soul canister. There’s also a second of input delay after you finish healing so it’s hard to pull off last millisecond jumps. But that’s probably all about balance. If they took it out it would probably be unbalanced. Who knows.

The nail combat is also great. It feels nice and some charms can make your nail faster or longer. But overall it’s basic. Nothing wrong with it I guess. It’s like urinating. It’s simple and you get used to it so you never realize how practical and easy to pick up and use it is. There’s a parry system that sometimes makes me feel super cool. I also got into some areas early by hitting the nail downward on an object and getting height. Nail arts though. Those kinda feel tacked on and I barely used them. But the real appeal of the combat isn’t really mastering parry timing or some shit. It’s no sekiro. You don’t really need physical reaction time mastery much. You just need to know the enemies and their moves and how to move in the air. And the more upgrades you get the easier the combat gets, but man the enemies get harder too don’t they? Some of the top tier bosses are so hard and you literally die within seconds. Then you keep practicing and doing it over and over til you know all the moves and how to dodge em so it's just a matter of doing the right dodges at the right time and hitting when they’re open. So much variation and so many different moves for these dudes it’s very fun and sometimes catches me off guard in new areas seeing new enemies.

I’m always on my guard while exploring but at the same time exploring can be a relaxing time cause you can get soul and heal up. Doin some cool traversal. The platforming aint bad for the most part considering platforming is the worst part of any game it’s in. Except the white castle place I could reasonably do any of the platforming without issue. Jumping and dashing and super dashing and shit. Made even funner by hitting your sword downwards. There were some creative platforming areas, like hitting the long metal worms to stay afloat etc. I loved how there was never a time in the game when I was lost because I could just go in one direction absentmindedly and just explore shit cause there's always gonna be something in that direction. And then as you keep getting more and more shit like more jumps and stuff in normal metroidvania fashion but there's so much cool stuff that u find by backtracking.


Now, I wanna take a quick detour to discuss something. The song Music Box by Eminem on relapse is a beautiful track. And yet, oxymoronically, the lyrics are gruesome and describe various murders and cannibalistic acts as well as name-dropping JonBenét Ramsey. Yet it’s hauntingly beautiful. It invokes a sense of familiarity, of love, of nostalgia, and it can clearly be seen within the eerie yet comforting chorus. If I may; it goes a little something like this; “when the lights are off, i see the girls asleep, I hear my music box playing a song for me, though we’re worlds apart, you mean the world to me, so when you call i will answer” Punctuated repeatedly with Marshall repeating the title of the song over the chorus at haphazard intervals. Look closely at the imagery presented within the verse. “Lights are off, girls asleep” Evokes thoughts of seeing your daughter and/or wife asleep, late at night. Which could be seen in that way or, geniusly, perhaps through the eyes of a serial killer. And it follows with “music box i hear it calling me” A music box could be a sentimental or melancholy gift. Often associated with love and family. This song’s genius use of contrast helps so well with the horror atmosphere. And it follows; “though we’re worlds apart, you mean the world to me” fully going in on the love aspect. Everyone’s had a long distance relationship and everyone knows how it feels to want to hug the person you love so much but the best you can do is send a gif with a cartoon bear that says “SENDING VIRTUAL HUG” which isn’t nearly as nice for either party. “So when you call I will answer” and he finishes out the chorus by reminding his long distance girlfriend that he will accept the discord call instantly whenever she calls. But another interpretation could be that the music box and the girl calling are two opposing forces: if we look at it through an eminemian lens, the music box could be metaphysically symbolizing the music industry. The girls could symbolize the 38 daughters that guy has. So much meaning, symbolism, interpretation, and thought packed into one single tiny little chorus on a bonus track most will miss. Why? Because he’s the greatest musical artist of all time. Pusha T’s up there too but Eminem is awesomer IMO.


Now, how can we apply this lens to Hollow Knight? We cannot. Thank you for reading.









BIBLIOGRAPHY:


Wikimedia Foundation. (2023, March 10). Eminem. Wikipedia, from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eminem

just a little bit too much "smashing head in2 wall" stuff and id be happy if i never fought no eyes again but overall its a hype and fun experience. The new bosses were really really hype and the boss refight hall is a great idea. Theres no way im doing that pantheon with every boss in the game back to back. I already theoretically beat it just out of order and one at a time during the course of the rest of my playthru

im gonna rereview hollow knight with all the completion and secret ending stuff and give it the thorough, overwritten 50 page review that the game truly deserves. Keep an eye out for that!!!!!!!!

I don't know how long it's been since a game made me feel the way I did when I was a kid. Like it was all I wanted to do, when I was outside I was thinking "oh i could be playing injustice gods among us right now." And picturing what zod combos I could think up in my head while zoning out in class. Wait actually yeah i do know how long it's been. Literally 10 years. See the injustice sentence? That game came out 10 years ago. When I was outside, hanging out with friends, exercising, doing whatever. I always think oh man i could be playing hollow knight. I lied down at night thinking oh man maybe tomorrow I could check out this area over here now that I have this ability. And I would imagine what stuff I could find there. Also perfectly captures that dark souls 1 feel while being a lot more forgiving. It's so easy to just do whatever and go in one direction and explore. There's always something there. And the movement and everything is so easy and snappy that it's not a chore at all. At first when my friend said there's DLC that triples the length of the game i'm like oh man that sounds so stretched out and long and boring. But now i'm like ... only triples??!? give me more!!! hahahaha. ohh what a day what a motherfuckin day. I can't believe I found the injustice gods among us of a new generation. I'm telling everyone about this. I'm goin back and im doin the DLC and finding every little one of those tiny collectibles. Cause this game is sick.