8 reviews liked by Gannon


You play as the same autistic CIA agent except your step bro is now in charge and you must defeat your former unit to reclaim your Xbox privileges in America.

As I stepped outside Olivander's shop with my freshly acquired wand, I began my rat murdering spree immediately. Quickly, I became one of the richest oligarchs in the community. It was difficult to tell whether the rats or the shopkeepers feared me more. I bled them both dry. I bought not only all of the finest equipment, but also the cheapest, I had the people pay me for rotten Pumpkin Pasties I scrubbed from the remains of the dead rats. Even before reaching the school of magic itself, I was already the most powerful wizard in the world. For if anyone wanted to send their children into the most prestigious of magical schools, they'd first have to go past the stone wall. Not the fake one, leading to the train station, but instead the very real one, consisting of the heaps of sickles I used to rule Diagon Alley.

Along the way I have managed to master the first two spells I have learned: Flipendo and Vermillious. I didn't know much about their effect, other than the fact that they dealt significant damage to the tiny creatures roaming the alleys around the Gringotts Wizarding Bank. I went inside after several days, dragging all my cauldrons and clothes behind me, where Hagrid and the goblin waited for me, seemingly unphased. I knew, however, that Hagrid was already jealous of me. While I was grinding to change my life around, he couldn't handle the Hagrind. That is why he didn't turn around when I tripped over the uneven floor of the Gringotts corridors. He just kept walking. He knew what he was doing. It wouldn't be the last time he, or everyone else, left me to fend for my own.

From there on out, it was all sorts of creatures that I had to face, all on my own at that. The so-called "friends" always left me behind too. I even faced the mother of all rats, Jack! Even the riches inside my family vault seemed like a measly amount compared to all that I've collected up to that point.

Nothing was a challenge after the arduous work I put in at the very beginning. I may have had my ups and downs. I may have spent my entire family's fortune on chocolate frogs just to try and get a full card collection. I think that's what the non-wizards call "lootboxes" or "card packs" or whatever. But I got the money back by murdering more rats. That is how I chose to live my life. That is how I lived it. That is, until the next year where all my progress was "magically" taken away from me. Gringotts found out I created what they call a "monopoly" on supplies. Regardless, I will return next year. The rats shall not know peace.

What the fuck was that flying orb in Hogwarts though?

Serious stuff: Harry Potter RPG is a cool idea, some... unique spritework, but traveling is pretty tiring, you gotta grind a lot and the tasks themselves take too much running around for such a relatively small space. I kinda lost my mind after grinding so much at the beginning, as you can see.

Because there are so many Mario baddies you have to fight whenever you go into dungeon basements, from goombas and piranhas to boos and thwomps, I choose to believe that the game is a dream had by Link while suffering a particularly bad concussion after an unfortunate SSB match

This review was written before the game released

Logan looks at the camera
Why did you make me kill all these people?
He walks away and the credits roll

10/10

Legend says the screen transitions are still loading to this day.

starting to think vampirism has no actual benefits and just compels you to drink blood and monologue constantly

Possibly the most underrated game ever made. It’s shocks me that so few people know about it. I’m obsessed with the storyline and the relationship between Jen and Scree is great. If you have a PS2 or PS4 and are considering this, I can’t recommend it enough.