You can go fast in Pizza Tower. Like really fast! I guess not fast enough because my warped little brain wanted to go even faster. I found myself instinctively holding the left or right button on the d-pad with an iron grip so tight my thumb started to hurt. All in the vain attempt to gain more speed.

I've been following this game on and off since 2019 and I'm so glad it turned out as great as it did. I played Wario Land 4 in preparation for this game and boy, its influences are very apparent. The most obvious one being the rush mechanic. In Wario Land 4, jumping on a frog switch activates a timer and you have to race back to the level's starting point. What this also does is change the level's environment; paths originally closed off by blocks are now open, and vice versa. In Pizza Tower this activates after attacking Pillar John and is known as Pizza Time. Just like in Wario Land 4, it's a race to the beginning, but along the way you can do some backtracking for collectables or secrets that you might have missed on the initial run through, the clock is always ticking though! The whole thing is quite exhilarating; making it back to the beginning with just a few seconds to spare is so gratifying.

To aid you in achieving breakneck speed you have a pretty sizable move set, a lot of these pretty much taken from Wario Land. You have the continuous dash, grab, ground pound, and all that fun stuff, but unlike Wario, you have a super jump which can be performed by holding up while in a continuous dash state at max speed. You can do a sick ass piledriver by pressing down in midair while you're holding onto an enemy. Wario doesn't have that (he has a piledriver in Wario World)! Defeating an enemy starts a combo which is maintained by defeating more enemies and collecting toppings scattered around the levels. Defeating enemies also raises your heat meter which increases the points given out; additionally, this makes enemies more aggressive, so make sure you don't drop your combo! Oh wait, you have this taunt which is totally useless right? Well, this totally useless taunt can turn into a screen wipe after accumulating enough points, indicated by you having an electric aura around you. The taunt can act as a parry for enemy attacks and projectiles as well.

This game is just fun and that's really all I can say about it. It's a video game ass video game and I'm all here for it. Side note for anyone playing, after the animated intro sequence, you see Peppino sitting in a dark room. Let this idle for about 40 seconds for a cool reward!

A fantasy RPG mixed with a trivia board game? What could possibly go wrong? Well, for one, this game was released in 1992 and I was born in 1999. Meaning a lot of the trivia here is completely out of my wheelhouse. Some are still probably bullshit even if you're the "appropriate" age for this (the sports questions in particular).

In the land of Capconia there is a Knowledge Tree which grants infinite knowledge (go figure) but this evil guy, Gordian, takes a few seeds from the tree so he can plant his own Knowledge Tree. He also gave a few seeds to some of the dragons of the land. The king of Capconia sends out four warriors to stop Gordian and his minions, but really, he only sent one, the ninja. Each character has a skill that could randomly activate during the trivia battles and the ninja's ability so happens to be the best one. The ninja does double damage meaning less questions you have to answer correctly.

Before you can challenge Gordian's minions, you are given a predetermined dice roll. In order to defeat a monster you must meet the correct answer requirement, and this starts off small enough. In the first chapter or two you only need to correctly answer two to four questions per enemy, but as the game goes on this quickly goes up to six, then eventually eight. This is where my main problem with this game comes in; it's too long. The game has seven stages, and by the fourth one I wanted this slog to end. To make things a bit worse, about halfway through you get rematches with the boss dragons on the board and they're not skippable if you happen to walk by them and you will. There's even a boss rush as you're approaching Gordian. Not all hope is lost however, as there are friendly spaces you can land on. You just have to pray to the predetermined dice gods you land on them. But you thought you could just get an easy heal by landing on an inn space or a helpful item when landing on an elf space? You still have to correctly answer a question. Losing all your HP on these "friendly" spaces still results in a game over.

Update: As I was writing this, I found out that Capcom Classics Collection Vol. 2 has a version of this game that's all Capcom trivia. Wish I knew about this beforehand!

On one hand, the combat is satisfying and getting past that one section or boss after being stonewalled is extremely gratifying. On the other hand, I find the camera to be absolutely vile at times (usually during bosses). It likes to get stuck behind pillars and rubble. The camera also has a hard time keeping up with the action at times. I also think most of the bosses are completely uninteresting. In character action games (I despise this term) the bosses are usually a big highlight, but here you get an electric worm, then two electric worms, then a fire worm, two tanks, a helicopter and a tentacle monster you fight multiple times. This game also commits one of my personal pet peeves and that is boss fights with added trash mobs. Off the top of my head two bosses on normal are like this, but on harder difficulties way more do this, like most of the bosses. I didn't find the lack of a lock-on to be a problem, but this seems to vary from person to person. I did enjoy a few of the bosses like Murai, the first Doku fight and the final boss!

I find these two points to be detrimental to my overall enjoyment, so I sadly can't say this is an all-time favorite for me, but it's still a solid action title that isn't afraid to kick your ass. So give it a shot! Maybe you won't have issues with these things and remember to keep trying! If I can do it, then so can you.

I have been bested; utterly humiliated! The game starts out fine enough. You control a cute little dino dude named Wagyan platforming and blasting enemies with sound waves through levels that remind me a bit of Pac-Land. You don't kill enemies with your sound waves; instead, you stun them. Stunning them allows you to use them as a platform very briefly. While traversing through the levels you can pick up what is called a Waganizer. Your sound waves and stun time increase with each pickup, and after collecting four you get what is basically an invincibility star from Mario. Where the game takes an interesting turn is with the bosses. You challenge bosses to either a memory game or a game of shiritori (word chain in the English fan translation). The memory game is fine if not a little boring, and shiritori is also fine when going against the normal bosses. Shit hits the fan when you get to the final boss. First, a memory game; simple enough! Then right into the most grueling game of shiritori. In order to truly beat the boss, you have to accrue enough points first. Defeating the boss normally without the required amount of points resets the board entirely and your points as well. All the selectable tiles are randomized as well. After about 5 hours of this madness relying on multiple save states, I decided to call it quits. Maybe one of you reading this can finish this easily and make me seem really dumb. Either way, god speed, if you do attempt this!

This game is a hodgepodge of ideas and most if not all fail to stick. Playing as Bayonetta is still fun and satisfying, but having to unlock basic moves like the launcher for every weapon is an odd choice I'm not a fan of. Moves are no longer purchased at the Gates of Hell. Now you have a skill tree sub menu found by pressing the minus button, meaning you don't have to wait to find an entrance to the Gates of Hell while traversing levels like in the previous games. You can purchase moves whenever, but at the same time, this kind of renders the Gates of Hell worthless. You get new weapons by just playing normally, you no longer have to find LPs and bring them back to Rodin at the Gates of Hell. Buy the Moon of Mahaa-Kalaa and maybe a costume or two, then proceed to never bother with the Gates of Hell again.

Viola is the new character in the game and first impressions are pretty good! I like her punk aesthetic and she's a big goofball, but that's pretty much all she is. She's given plenty of moments to do a cool thing but ends up flubbing it every time. A complete jobber! Well, if she's not so great story wise, then her fighting style must be good at least, right? Sadly, she's lacking there too. Bayonetta gets plenty of new weapons and demon summons to go along with them. Viola only has one weapon and demon summon. You can buy her entire toolkit early on and even then her playstyle feels completely undercooked. Her parry/witch time blows! She desperately needed at least one other playstyle. At least her battle theme is good?

Another new addition to this game are the huge kaiju battles! Seeing these in the trailers leading up to the games' release had me excited because I'm simple-minded and I love big monsters fighting and destroying shit. Sadly, I didn't get to enjoy these either. The first one with the Font of Devastation: Sin Gomorrah (this name goes hard) felt weighty as it should, but then it just boils down to a game of rock paper scissors. The other kaiju battles play out differently but aren't any better, with the exception of one near the end. All I'm saying is that if No More Heroes 2 does a better kaiju battle than you, then you probably fucked up.

If you've heard anything about this game, then it's probably about how terrible the story is. I never cared about the story in the previous games, but at least there's stuff to appreciate in them, but here there's nothing! Again, just a bunch of ideas thrown in that fall flat or are there just because. I also hate to be that guy, but the game looks rather poor. Looking like a PS3 game should normally be a positive but the environments are so drab and empty. Speaking of drab, the main enemy force is also painfully boring and uninteresting. The angel and demon enemies of the previous games all had an outer shell and attacking them cracks the shell, revealing their true, usually grotesque, form underneath. In this game, the homunculi just explode into toothpaste goop.

I was completely stone-faced throughout most of the game. Even when I should have technically been popping off at hype moments I just sat there, expressionless. I had more emotions playing Dante's Inferno! If I had to describe this game with one word, it would be flaccid.

I played Parappa the Rapper (remastered version) and its sequel back in 2018 and I didn't really care about them all too much. Parappa 2 is an improvement over the original in terms of its gameplay, but I struggle to remember most of the tracks. Um Jammer Lammy on the other hand, is exactly what I've been wanting out of these games. The gameplay is improved over the first game, more of Rodney Greenblat's charming art, and a fun soundtrack. Probably not better than Parappa 1's soundtrack, but definitely more memorable than Parappa 2's. The story is a complete fever dream and I like it because of that. In the Japanese and European version, Lammy fucking dies and goes to hell. The biggest gameplay improvement is that the UI isn't a complete mess like in the original. There's a bit in the final song in Parappa 1 where Parappa takes the lead, and the player gets no chance to prepare for the upcoming notes. I remember failing that part a few times when I originally played it. In Lammy the notes scroll up and there's a character icon to the left of the notes displaying who is playing and who's next to play. So anytime I messed up, it actually felt like it was my fault. Although there were a few instances where I clearly pressed the wrong button and the game counted that as good? I don't think I'll ever truly understand how these games function. I also like Lammy as a character way more than Parappa. She rocks both literally and figuratively!

It's kind of like Flicky but good! Play as a cute octopus girl retrieving her stolen haul of fish from cats. Make sure to get all the fish on a level before bringing them back to your UFO. Doing this will make coins appear around the level which can be used at the shop for items. I personally don't think the items are all too useful, maybe on the harder difficulty? Instead, I recommend you save the coins for later; you'll need them then! The game is very short, clocking in at around 30-40 minutes. I wish it went on for a bit longer because I can see myself playing this for another hour or two.

I haven't had this much fun playing a Pokémon game in a while! Once you go through the first two or so hours of story set up, you're pretty much left on your own. I don't play open world games often, so call me easily pleased, but exploring this world was so addictive that I had to intentionally stop myself so that I could actually progress one of the three storylines. Of the three storylines, Arven's was easily my favorite. It's not the deepest or most fleshed out thing, but if story in a Pokémon game can actually make me feel something, then I think that's a job well done. Battles are the same old thing but now with a new gimmick that'll be tossed out when the next mainline game releases. Playing this solidified that I don't really get much out of Pokémon's combat system anymore, but instead catching Pokémon and filling out the Pokédex. This was the first time I went into a Pokémon game almost spoiler free on what new creatures were added, so discovering something new was genuinely exciting. And finally, yes, this game has an extraordinary number of technical issues and glitches. I'm not excusing Game Freak here, but those tiny glitches kind of enhanced my experience? I'm going to remember that Fidough walking on air. Tinkaton is my new favorite Pokémon and Larry is probably the best character Game Freak has ever created.

Before 2021 I quite actively ignored the "Metroidvania" genre. The idea of constantly backtracking sounded like the complete opposite of what I liked about video games. I guess I really didn't like all that backtracking in Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door! In retrospect, I was a complete fool and I realized this after playing Metroid Dread. Going back to previously explored areas but now with a newly acquired power up and filling out your map activates all the neurons in my simple ape brain. Playing Symphony of the Night further cemented that I've been a total idiot for sleeping on this genre for so long. When I got Soul of Bat (ability to fly), I just had a big dumb smile on my face. Everyone knows about the second half of the game where you have to go through the castle again, but this time upside down, right? I thought this would make the game feel stale, but it being upside down really did make it feel fresh again and I was eager to explore it yet again. This game rocks and that's really all I have to say.

Instead of finishing up Signalis or putting more time into Pokémon Violet, I spent a night getting a CD-I emulator up and running. Kind of a pain in the ass and was not worth it. This is just shitty Elevator Action! Don't know if it's just the emulator, but the controls felt a bit unresponsive. I legitimately did want to finish this, but every world seems to go on forever. Using save states also crashes the game after finishing a level, so fuck it! Maybe I'll come back to this when CD-I emulation gets better. I can at least say I've played Hotel Mario now.

A soulless sequel that changes very little from the previous game. An unengaging slog through samey environments coupled with some of the most unsatisfying and weightless combat I've come across. It's shocking that Japan Studio put this out. There are only two reasons I got through this, the first being I played this co-op with a friend. Secondly, we sprinkled some alcohol in there. There were some laughs to be had, but it certainly wasn't at the MCU tier humor this game has. At some point our brains became mush and just started laughing at pretty much nothing.

The gold standard for kusoge. Granted, I haven't played too much of Death Crimson, but I doubt it'll top this anytime soon. Combos are fast and loose, infinites are abundant, and most of the game's assets are stolen from elsewhere. It's completely unbalanced and I wouldn't have it any other way. You can tell the people making this were having an absolute blast while watching the credits roll. This game has more heart and soul poured into it than most games. Invite some friends over, boot this up, and go nuts. DONG DONG FOREVER.

This game, the Jumping Flash games and the King's Field games all have the early low poly graphics I absolutely adore. The levels are pleasant and vibrant, and the music is pretty good, but that's about all I can really praise about Floating Runner. The camera is way too zoomed in, your character slips and slides all over the place and besides the hit sparks enemies barely react to being damaged. Bumping into anything or taking damage from enemies pushes you back slightly, which can make the tighter platforming sections a tad bit more frustrating. Speaking of the enemies, there's way too many of them and they love to gang tackle you. Also, your default weapon shoots in an arc, which is shit.

It's been quite a while since I've played the previous two entries to this series, so maybe I'm forgetting some details but I certainly don't remember those games feeling like they enjoyed wasting my time. Walk to one point, get an item, then take the item back to its original location or walk around in a linear environment looking for key items with no sense of danger inbetween. A lot of this game felt empty both in the overworld and in "dungeons". I remember the previous games doing this, but certainly not to this degree. All these mind numbing tasks culminated into me dropping the game right at the end when I had to revisit certain parts of the game, but now with a new mechanic and a lot of unskippable dialog. Also, it's hard to feel any type of fear when the game reuses a lot of the same enemies from the previous game with very few new enemies. Maybe I'm just sick of these games formulas, but this game felt like an utter disappointment. It still has great atmosphere and beautiful art, but I'd recommend checking out Yomawari: Night Alone over this. It goes on sale frequently for under $5.