This was a foregone conclusion, like really unless you're the biggest Mario hater in the universe I really don't know what else you'd put here. Like I love Balloon Fight, but it's still not gonna compare to SMB1.

Italian man is racist towards turtles.

I love Balloon Fight, it's always a fun little romp to drop those weird bird guys into the water. It also caters to my inner-sadist allowing me to watch one of them slowly parachute downwards in hopes they go towards the water and get devoured by some monstrous trout.

Game genuinely slaps, I'm sure someone's gonna be offended that I like it more than Donkey Kong, but them's the breaks.

I should eat more spinach.

Wild Gunman is pretty fun! Even though I'm cheating and using a mouse, it's still pretty neat, and I'd imagine that using a real zapper would be fantastic especially if you stuck to keeping your gun at your holster until it was actually time to draw.

The sheer pain of humiliation due to failure to shoot ducks, the pure laughing matter that is your terrible marksmanship. Laugh at the player, laugh!

-Entire audience of dogs roar in cackling glee-

SLALOOOOOM!

Fun skiing game that honestly looks pretty impressive for the system with how fast and smooth it runs, you also get to look at your guy's ass the whole time.

The life of an unstopping man on a motorcycle in Not-Mad Max Land is a rough one, imagine a world where touching a barrel makes you explode into a million pieces, only to reform and continue your pointless and hellish life of driving down roads with zero landmarks and exploding on impact with anything you touch.

YOU ARE MACH RIDER.

I kinda enjoy Excitable Bike? It's pretty okay, it helps for sure that the track editor is here to keep my attention.

Sorry, I only think of Trojan now when I see Kung-Fu Master. It's still better than Trojan, but just the thought puts me on tilt like a pinball machine.

The most interesting point about DK Jr is remembering that there was a Battlebot based on the one muncher enemy that Mario sends out.

Otherwise the funniest thing is Junior falling off a vine and straight onto his ass. "Owch my bum!"

Donkey Kong's alright, I doubt the pie factory would've helped with the port here. I don't even like pies that much, was always more of a cake person.

This one's theme is way weaker than Wild Gunman's, the can shooting game is pretty neat though.

I don't own a ROB robot unfortunately, so the best thing I can do is rank both this and Stack Up by the very concept of ROB itself, which is cool. Even if ROB doesn't function very well, I still love him.

Not as cool sounding as Gyromite, also kinda smelly looking.

Before they were "Super", they were very average.

Everyday I ask myself, "why isn't the eggplant guy in Smash Bros?" They're just as iconic as an enemy to Mario as Donkey Kong or Bowser, everyone remembers the eggplant guy!

"Hey you remember eggplant guy right?"
"Yeah! I sure do! Remember the time he split Mario's skull in half with a monkey wrench!?"
"Sure do! He's so rad!"

When I first discovered emulation I called this "Poo Poo Land". Nowadays I don't dislike it as much, but I still like calling it "Poo Poo Land".

Someone at Nintendo was like "you know, I dunno about this Mario guy, we should get some other dork to shoot bug spray up DK's ass".

The most unhappenin' pinball table ever.

This is it, this is what I would like to call "Sports Man's Land". The horrific land of the bland and horrifically simplistic early sports games with similar title screen music, if the game falls below all of these then it's truly abominable.

I was originally gonna have this up front since I like baseball, but I'm still waiting for my outfielders to retrieve the ball.

Poop.

Why do the players gyrate like crazy during their idle stances?

ROLLING SOBAT KICK! AW GAWD ANOTHER SOBAT KICK!

The most adorable little scampering footballers you'll ever find.

I don't like soccer, curling should've been the world cup sport.

Look, I'm really sorry to anyone who actually likes this game, but it seriously does not feel good to play. If I don't like the feel of your game and that's basically the entire game's draw, then I'm gonna hate it.

I even hate these little bastards in Smash, wobbling can go wobble itself.

Does babysitting a bumbling idiot detective sound fun to you? Especially when they die to everything in one hit? This person deserves to have glass bottles smashed into their face.

Edutainment, but my brain somehow rots while playing it and the most entertaining part is making Junior constantly fall into the water.

The best thing about Urban Champion is the joy that me and some other friends got from constantly dumping on it. This game barely has more going on than the Game & Watch title "Boxing".

Urban Champion is an apt title, because the only championship this game has earned is the trash can.