Approximately five months ago I played Gate of Thunder (real fuckin' good game) and successfully gaslit at least 17 people into thinking I was gonna start exploring the Turbografix/PC Engine library, and proceeded to put more effort into the Atari Jaguar instead. Y'all should've seen your faces, I got you so bad! Calculated and just as planned.

It took BL game club and my pathetic want of needing to be a part of something to play another PCE game. One about playing as a toy made by an American naval engineer from my home state apparently, that was originally priced at one whole didgeridoo, I think that's like five-hundred didgeridoos these days adjusted for inflation. This particular Slinky toy was born from a Louie egg straight outta Bomberman dropped by...Christian God? At least that's the story for Mesopotamia, the Japanese release of Somer Assault. Did you get the pun? Hee hee ho. In Somer Assault the intro is just a boring villainous monologue from the sorceress as the Slinky inexplicably appears and goes "I WILL STOP YOU FOUL VILLAIN!!!" in an overly heroic voice as I like to imagine.

Afterwards you proceed to clumsily bumble your way through the Amiga-ass stages and hold down the turbo button to blast bosses in the noggin constantly after you find safe spots, or simply tank through everything with your humongous lifebar that you gained from the generous drop rates of the power ups from the eternally respawning enemies. I actually almost timed out in the first stage of Mesopotamia when I first booted it up, but Somer Assault makes things easier, which to me is almost unheard of. I'm so used to it being the other way around! I completely blame Konami for making their games harder overseas on that one, I'm still suffering from the fallout of Bayou Billy on that shit.

I think it's neat! Different for sure! Am I coming back to it? Eh...I think it's just kinda hee ho-hum. Go play Gate of Thunder instead. I'm gonna go watch Ace Ventura When Nature Calls for the 500th time.

Reviewed on Jan 28, 2023


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