a word of advice: if you love psychological horror, especially silent hill, YOU NEED TO READ CRIME & PUNISHMENT. i understand how a 600 page book released 150 years ago in a format that doesn't exist anymore can seem off-putting or intimidating; i promise you it hasn't aged a day. crime & punishment can suffocate you with tension and anxiety comparable to any horror movie or game using words alone. the characters are oceans of beauty and flaws that will stick with you forever. without dostoevsky, there would be no shining, there would be no subahibi, and there would be no silent hill. read it and thank me later.

On the surface, WarioWare is a simple game about a city full of quirky people and tasking the player with goofy, timed minigames. But that's just what the government would like you to believe. This is an in-depth analysis of the themes of loss, individuality, conformity, addiction, and gnostic religious symbolism in WarioWare: Smooth Moves for the Nintendo Wii.

Deep beneath the wahahas and the groovy cats dancing is a tale of sorrow. A tale of loss and regret. A tale of raw humanity—on display for the world to see and look within themselves and ask, "am I Dribble... or am I Spitz?"

In a controversial move for Nintendo, one of WarioWare's major characters is a young witch named Ashley. Her sole intent is to separate humanity from God and devote her life to the dark lord Lucifer, wreaking chaos upon Diamond City. Her descent into madness highlights the strengths of Nintendo's greatest writers and religious researchers. I am inclined to believe this is a straight translation of a passage from the Kabbalah long lost to time.

Kat + Ana = Katana. Makes you think.

The sheer complexity behind some of the late game stages demands we stop our mindless flailing of the Wiimote and start asking where our Nunchuk adapters are. When did life pass us by? Much like 9-Volt's Game & Watch system, we too are broken.

Possibly the most compelling story is that of the mad scientist. Penny's devotion to truth and the sciences holds a mirror to our own misguided society. She abandons and outright rejects God as she continues down her path of science. Morals cast aside for the sake of what if, just as Frakenstein had. Penny's creations breed nothing but unspeakable evils and destruction. Her first victim—the unknowing Wario himself.

As Wario comes face to face with the demi-urge unleashed by Penny's selfish scientific pursuits, Wario is split into many horrid abominations. The coalition of Mini-Warios as they march headlong into the field of strawberries represents our own journey into the unknown terror we call life. The strawberry represents our innermost desires while the congregation of miniature Warios represents our desire to belong to a group, even at the cost of our own individuality.

So where does this leave us? What can we learn from our experiences during WarioWare: Smooth Moves on the Nintendo Wii? The truth may be difficult for us to hear, but WarioWare is here to tell us anyway. Jesus was black. Ronald Reagan was the devil. And the government is lying to us about 9/11.