This review was written before the game released

"I'LL CRUSH YOU"

~me to ANYONE who talks shit about jack garland in any fucking capacity. the protagonist to surpass caim has arrived

EDIT:

ok here's an actual review - this is the best action game to come out in well over a decade. play on hard with party disabled and you'll have a thoroughly challenging experience with some of the best boss design the genre's seen period. come for the stellar combat; stay for more of it plus a godlike narrative. jack garland IS the best protagonist in ff

and he did it HIS way

"fuck it, finally a fantasy"
~fred durst (2021)

consistently fun but bogged down by way-too-frequent mmo-esque fetch quests, a dogshit main antagonist and jill's comical lack of characterization

when it hits though, it really fucking hits. clive is a terrific lead, (kupka is also a fantastic rival) every major set piece manages to one up the last and the combat, while a bit easy for an action game absolutely braindead, is really fucking fun

only ps4/5 game thus far to feel like a truly "next gen" experience and a crystal clear reminder of the heights this series can reach when it's not rife with developmental problems

edit: that last line is still mostly correct but not in the way i'd like. it's certainly next-gen in terms of scope and scale with regards to spectacle, but the actual writing is piss poor. this was very much a honeymoon game and ng+ made it clear. xvi feels like a first draft

maybe the strongest example of an indie developer missing the entire point of contemporary gameplay trends

a litmus test for gamer sentience

maybe also the all-time least interesting game to have a debate about? if you think this game is badly designed or that it controls poorly, then i'm genuinely not interested in hearing it. i strongly recommend running it back - without the bitch in your ear yapping out all those cookie-cutter tier arguments

Scrimblo Bimblo versus Anime Swordsman - a seemingly eternal stalemate between two equally insufferable factions. For years the battle has raged on from within the rowdiest of middle school hallways, gym lockers, Twitter threads, and anywhere else groomers and pedophiles can be found.

With smug pepe emoticons and hoes_mad.mp4 uploads in hand, the most obnoxious rivals of the internet begin to unload their arsenal for Sora Sakurai's final Smash reveal...

At long last, he is finally here.

Scrimblo Bimblo: the Anime Swordsman

Hoes... glad.

feels like i played this alongside my six year old self. we did it lil' buddy, we finally beat the one game we had no chance in hell of finishing without a gamecube memory card

as with sa1, there's really no point in arguing about this series since the detractors have long made up their shitty minds. sa2's an interesting beast though because it manages to excel just as much as its predecessor... in very different ways!

the speed stages are great, albeit nothing like sa1's. maybe you prefer these more linearly driven, setpiece-focused levels, but i might be partial to having a spindash that can blaze me across entire courses in a matter of seconds. i like going places i shouldn't and being rewarded for it. there's some of that here, but it's not nearly the same. that said, there's no city escape or final rush in sa1 so we'll call it a draw

treasure hunting is improved tenfold. i definitely prefer the newly limited radar system (it makes finding shards early super satisfying) and the overall increased difficulty. especially after knuckles' previous story was an absolute cakewalk. rouge is basically knuckles on hard mode and i generally prefer her side more for that. love her music too, though i wish it was more lyrically driven to better contrast knuckles

shooting's a more mixed bag. tails reps one of the best stages but also most of the worst. eggman on the other hand for the most part lives up to gamma's gameplay well enough - especially once he gets his booster. there's def a sense of flow to these that i feel a solid chunk of people don't give deserved credit because they just wanna go fast and grind rails

...which is a sentiment i don't completely identify with because i feel sa2 is more than the sum of its parts. the narrative is genuinely great and actively shifts moods and gameplay styles accordingly. you're always listening to a banger, you're never on the same sort of stage for more than a few minutes at a time - and you're always pushing closer to one of the greatest fuckin' finales you'll ever find in video games. the quality of direction really skyrocketed here. the last episode's preview alone completely solos every single scene in sa1

one strange oddity though: there's a surprising lack of shadow gameplay here. maybe the devs weren't so confident in him as a newcomer and didn't expect him to be such a hit?

if they knew what was good for them, sonic team would've just made a whole ass game where you play as shadow the hedgehog...

EDIT: after careful deliberation (replaying the shit out of everything) i've decided that i have 0 significant issues with this game. i'm not even standing by what i said about the speed stages before. they're all fuckin' fantastic and i think i might actually prefer these to sa1's (granted i need to spend some more time with that game too for confirmation)

on top of all of what i've said - i've still barely scratched the surface of the chao world content and that on its own is pretty impressive for being in an already tightly-packed game to begin with. how the fuck did this get made in two years?

i also learned last night via the extra video that city escape was inspired by sonic team constantly receiving parking tickets while living in san francisco. that's worthy of some merit on its own

and maybe this is cheating to mention since it's largely battle rerelease content, but i don't care: the multiplayer is some of the most fun i've ever had with a 2-player game

you know what - fuck it, 10/10

i, for one, am thoroughly appalled that this series would ever have the audacity to feature a player character who isn't a totally morally righteous person. this is a travesty. completely out of touch

and the gameplay? it's such a shameless ripoff of the last acclaimed silent hill project that was released. what the fuck were they thinking?

i'm going to go return to silent hill 2 now - the most subtle and least blunt horror game ever created. at least that game doesn't have sticky notes with "bullying" written on them (granted, this one doesn't either, but that's not what i heard from the people who didn't play it, so it must be true)

sonic cd featured open-zone gameplay 30 years before frontiers. it receives equally mixed praise and scorn to this day

don't fuck with sonic fans - we don't like having multiple options in our games

"princess maker but for mentally ill e-girls" is a polarizing concept. i was excited by the grim premise, but also concerned that it could come across less as parody and more as a disturbing fetishization of itself in the same kind of way "milk outside a bag..." ended up

i'm happy to say it sticks the landing as the former. while ame is definitely easy to get attached to for her convincing and genuinely excellent writing (hats off to the localization team - you guys fuckin' nailed it) it's still abundantly clear that the relationship between the streamer and her producer is a codependent and mutually destructive one

the self awareness goes two ways, and thankfully no punches are pulled. for every funny reference or silly moment there's an equal measure of rightfully tactless and bluntly disturbing content that's bound to transport you back to your most emotionally abusive relationships. ame's a fucking mess and the game never wants you to forget that, but it also doesn't shy away from pointing out that you're a shitbag too

check it out, but don't take it too seriously. after all, this is an idol management sim where the best outcome results from getting therapy and abandoning streaming altogether

actually - take that last part extremely seriously

i thrust awake in a cold sweat beneath the quiet roof of my sengoku ranch. i remember that the deed is nearly complete - i'm on the brink of the backloggd alignment lock

the panting starts. then the puke; panicking over what i must do. i reflect on what has brought me to this point. the truth sets in

humans are given two choices in the fleeting existence they call life:

1. they rate kichikuou rance with a half star. completion status: abandoned. review roughly reads, "dont let rance fans near children" or, "i feel like a worse person for playing this". these people absolutely rule at parties and you should unconditionally take everything they say completely seriously

2. ten out of ten. reasons enigmatic. their thoughts may be more driven by seemingly sociopathic notions regarding how their life was changed by a fun strategy game with cartoon humor about a guy who does bad shit for women, money and power. there's a good chance these ones aren't getting invited to the aforementioned parties

this is where i forge my path; where i shall walk the road to dawn

...in all seriousness, i'm pretty amazed that something this meticulously detailed came from an eroge company - let alone in 1996. there are so many moving parts and interlinked events that it borders on overwhelming. tons of characters too - many of which you even won't meet because of how structurally dynamic everything is. seemingly whimsical decisions could have lasting consequences, be they positive or negative. it's all so thorough that looking up just about anything in a guide seriously compromises the overall experience

alicesoft's sheer fuck-it-we-ball energy is impossible not to respect here. they crammed every ridiculous idea they had for the series at the time into one sprawling what-if finale and somehow it actually worked. that said, since it's a rough summary for five games that at the time didn't even exist, the narrative feels a little rushed even though it clocks in at 40+ hours. definitely left me wanting a little more from the antagonists and world, but that's what the hundreds of hours worth in sequels is for, i suppose

look - if you think crassness is funny and you've remained skeptical of this series as i have for so long, i'd suggest considering it. if you're on the "i'd never play that shit" side of the spectrum, then you've already made up your mind and that's fine too

if you think this game's bad mechanically, however: skill issue, filtered and so on

here is a pdf that better formats/clarifies the in-game how to play section without any spoilers

you're not gonna like this game, but if you stick with it and let the stockholm syndrome kick in after a while you'll see why it's a masterpiece. pure insanity

aren't these game designers wonderful!

some of the fellas here are in DIRE need of reeducation

total blast from start to finish - even after the third playthrough. narratively it's just the right amount of explanation vs interpretation with a compelling cast whose voices are so well spoken that you'll remember the mains (especially walter and rusty) in full color even without putting a single name to face

they lend an incredible amount of authenticity to the story, which is pretty subtle overall and relies on foreshadowing and tension more so than big twists. i'll keep it vague and just say that when it comes to solidifying the routes, megaten ain't got shit

as far as combat goes, it feels great and build variety is top notch. there's something to be said about how some playstyles can outshine others in terms of efficiency/simplicity, but the biggest strength of the AC customization is that you're ultimately able to use whatever you enjoy (within the compromises of weight/energy restrictions, anyway). 100% buy/sell rates ensure you can always experiment and try new things too

some would claim this stops being the case with the "big bosses", which the same people tend to compare towards sekiro and dark souls, but i'd argue that's a case of what we in the biz refer to as a "skill issue" and nothing less. simply put - you can beat balteus with whatever the hell you want - i used two shitty assault rifles because i didn't want to restart the mission and it worked just fine (sure it took four hours of trial and error, but still - i got really good after that!)

also: this game's fucking gorgeous. and it only ramps up progressively more on that front as it goes on. i swear each chapter has at least 3 wallpaper worthy shots in cutscenes alone. music's killer too - more subdued than what you'd probably expect from hoshino (most of the time) but i dig the reznor vibes just as much as the autotuned dog barks, y'know?

at first i didn't really want to write a long review here, but it felt wrong just submitting a vague joke that only certain people would understand. so instead i decided to write that exact same joke anyway, but sandwich this review between it so i'd feel like i still did justice on one of my favorite games in the past ten years. now i'm the freelancer who has it all

main system: activating combat mode

jump to the bottom of this review for the optimal physics settings. game is ass without them. thank me later

frustratingly close to being the best sonic game ever. with proper momentum there would be little contest, but thankfully the freeflowing open world promotes speed and precision above all else. if you're playing the game as it's intended you won't really ever be standing still, and thanks to sonic's, well... speed - frontiers may be the only open world game in the past ten or more years to actually justify its own vastness

regardless, the lack of momentum is still a problem during the few sections that are strictly 2d. i have no idea why there are levels that depend on inertia in a game where your character literally grinds himself to a halt every time you're not holding forward. all of this could be fixed if sonic only stopped after gradually losing speed or when holding a braking button or something, but because nothing like that is in place there's a few especially jarring sequences here and there

momentum aside, my only other complaint is the deceptive progression and noticeable lack of budget. i was really eager to see all five islands and what kinds of biomes they'd cover or what other characters may pop up. unfortunately the last two are pretty disingenuously labeled. think of the actual zone count as 3.5 and you wont be too underwhelmed - the first three are pretty massive areas anyway. i just wanted more. it's been a while since i've played a 30+ hour game that i didn't want to end

i'm incredibly eager to see what comes next. i hope sonic team picks up on frontiers' slack and puts out the actual best game in the franchise next time

optimal settings:

starting speed: 60
initial boost speed: 90
turning speed: 100
boost turning speed: 20
top speed: 100
steering sensitivity: 100
acceleration: 50
bounce height: 100

the most important things here are the third, fourth, and sixth options. sonic steers like a fucking tank otherwise. i'd recommend dropping the camera distance to 40 and upping its speed to 70ish but that's up to preference

edit: with the update this all stays the same. you'll just want to also turn deceleration completely off and keep the deceleration rate somewhere around 90 to 100 depending on what you prefer. i'm not a fan of stopping completely on a dime, but anything below 90 gets real stupid real fast

for years i've longed for a game with puzzle-like traversal that'd offer me the same kind of intense anxiety i'd feel while climbing a boss like malus in shadow of the colossus. if you're like me and you've slept on this - knock it the fuck off

tomb raider provides platforming nervousness in spades with ruthlessly unforgiving - but incredibly smart, well paced and rewarding - stage design. the way it constantly forces you to analyze level geometry, take risks and conserve (extremely limited) save crystals only amps up to greater and more sadistic heights as it goes. and it's goddamn brilliant

PLAY this fucking game. do not write it off based on your missed jumps in the first stage or the drab exterior. this shit WILL hook you in. and just for the record: the controls are perfect. don't even start with that