conman
Bio
Filmmaker, husband, father, PJKK:TOGOTM enjoyer
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GOTY '22
Participated in the 2022 Game of the Year Event
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GOTY '20
Participated in the 2020 Game of the Year Event
Favorite Games
1818
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077
Played in 2023
100
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Wolfenstein 3D haters been real quiet since this dropped. But for real, if you like monkeyball (and I know I do) I can’t think of a better way to experience the aesthetics and flair of Wolf 3D without having to play a game outside your comfort zone. This would have provided me at least one school year’s worth of entertainment as a kid, playing it instead of doing whatever I was supposed to be working on.
I love ‘bad’ media. I love watching crappy movies, playing janky games, and embarrassing YouTube videos. I think there’s a bunch of people out there who feel the same way, I mean… my reviews usually get a few likes. Got me!
Usually when people say they love ‘bad’ media, the media tends to live in the popular ‘so bad it’s good’ realm, and by that I mean ‘so bad it’s funny and entertaining to experience’ not ‘so bad it’s aspirational’. I think art is subjective, and there’s an experiential aspect as well as those theoretical and critical, which all get thrown into the big soup of my reviews, star ratings, and opinions. My perception of a game’s quality and entertainment value both go into my star ratings and reviews.
This is probably why I don’t have a rating scale in my bio, because I figure you know what 1-5 rating scale is AND you can read. I don’t always write succinctly, but I’d hope that people don’t read my reviews, look at the star rating, and go “I wonder what he meant by that.”
So let’s get this out of the way: this game sucks. I actually had a great time playing it in the early hours (hence the non half-star), laughing at the performance issues, convoluted story, and bafflingly bland game design. It wore off. This game truly becomes a massive slog during Silver’s campaign, and the overall repetition of content makes the playthrough pretty arduous.
But! And I think this is important if you want a peek into my sick and twisted Shadow-esque world- I do not regret playing this. I have rarely regretted spending time with a bad piece of media. Experiencing any art, no matter how boring, bland, and mediocre that may be, is not something I see as a default negative. On a low level it serves as a way to appreciate the things I love by contrast, but it’s also an education, another thing to store in my mind, another thing to know. I’m not without some discretion, as I try to actively pick things I think will give me something to take away, but I’ve got a bit of a masochistic streak which has inadvertently led me to a greater appreciation of all art and of life in general.
So my big takeaways from Sonic the Hedgehog (2006) are that A. I stand by my reviews of the Sonic Adventure games, and B. This is even worse than I remember it being. I’ve always had a weird soft spot for Sonic 06, and I still have one, it’s just smaller now.
Everything to do with Silver is terrible. The reliance on physics objects in his moveset, the story, and even the boss fights against him are low-points for the game and the franchise. It has nothing I want from a Sonic game, and here’s I guess another thing (a point C if you’re somehow following this) I got out of Sonic the Hedgehog: I mostly just want to play as Sonic or a Sonic-like character in these games. I’m okay with the occasional gimmick to spice things up, like cars or planes, but I want to move fast and I want to zip around collecting rings or spinning into enemies.
Sonic: what I want, still not that great though because this is the game it’s in.
Shadow: like Sonic but with a twist, refreshing to do as the final campaign.
Knuckles/Rouge: harmless but trivial.
Blaze: like Sonic/Shadow but slightly worse.
Tails: Not all that fun, but flying can be novel for a second.
Amy: sucks but the section is mercifully short
Omega: Almost forgot about it, needed a UI element for locking-on
Silver: Tedium incarnate. Borders on being torturous.
Shadow: like Sonic but with a twist, refreshing to do as the final campaign.
Knuckles/Rouge: harmless but trivial.
Blaze: like Sonic/Shadow but slightly worse.
Tails: Not all that fun, but flying can be novel for a second.
Amy: sucks but the section is mercifully short
Omega: Almost forgot about it, needed a UI element for locking-on
Silver: Tedium incarnate. Borders on being torturous.
Also this review is getting long in the tooth, but I have to mention Soleanna as it’s one of the emptiest and worst hub areas ever (I love hub areas so hey, this having a hub at all is a little bit of a positive), but it’s ALSO even worse when you’re playing as Silver. Soleanna is huge and he’s slow. It doesn’t even have a Chao garden! The nerve.
A human woman kisses Sonic in one of the game’s final fantasy cutscenes and it’s a highlight for sure. Worth playing just for that. Wait, I could’ve just watched a let’s play or rewatched the cutscenes online? You’re telling me this now? Just kidding I was always going to replay this.
Stranglehold’s second level has got to be of the biggest second level fumbles in gaming history.
Level 1 is a brisk and impactful introduction to the game’s systems; you slip across tables, slide down handrails, and dive through the air in a slow-motion bullet-ballet. As expected. In Level 2, “Destroy 16 drug stations” is preceded by “Destroy 10 drug stations” and followed by “Plant x amount of C4 charges” (I can’t remember exactly but it’s too many). I’ll experientially translate it for you: “Stop giving us your time”. This game takes maybe 6 hours to complete, yet it feels like 5 1/2 are spent in the second mission. Historians have long been baffled by the inclusion of a helicopter turret section, and as to why it isn’t the end of the level.
Level 1 is a brisk and impactful introduction to the game’s systems; you slip across tables, slide down handrails, and dive through the air in a slow-motion bullet-ballet. As expected. In Level 2, “Destroy 16 drug stations” is preceded by “Destroy 10 drug stations” and followed by “Plant x amount of C4 charges” (I can’t remember exactly but it’s too many). I’ll experientially translate it for you: “Stop giving us your time”. This game takes maybe 6 hours to complete, yet it feels like 5 1/2 are spent in the second mission. Historians have long been baffled by the inclusion of a helicopter turret section, and as to why it isn’t the end of the level.
Stranglehold gets back on the rails in the subsequent mega restaurant area, and the rest of the game (mostly) flies by, but I’m astounded I had the patience to push through the docks level as a kid or now.