The game that made DLC expansions a thing, but somehow cool. You were a kid and you begged your parents for the the next pack so your Sim could hug a dog or learn to do ballet. Back then they came in 4 discs and you prayed on your hands and knees that your cube PC wouldn't fry itself in the process of installation. You made the same Sims over and over again and followed the same storylines. Life was good.

In hindsight, you'll never get this era of Sims again. As much as EA wants to replicate that feeling, it'll either never happen or it'll cost you $2,000. This is that old flame you got separated from because you simply grew apart. I'm here to let you know that this game is very easily accessible on Ebay. Follow your heart and never settle, gamers.

Edit: Used to be a 4.5 star rating, but I stopped doing halfsies.

Halo 3 is like a thrilling action movie that is constantly in its climax. Once the campaign begins it doesn’t hold back. Lulls in the action are minimal, set pieces are plenty, and the action is constant. You would think this would get old after a while, but Halo 3 does not overstay its welcome. Clocking in at an average of 8 hours the time flies by. The story is admittedly pretty lackluster especially in comparison to Halo 2. Instead of setting up characters like the Arbiter, fleshing out the motivations of the Covenant, and establishing the lore of the Forerunners and Flood, Halo 3 opts to stick to its guns--literally. We just blast our way from one set piece to the next leaving any desire for lore or character development to take a backseat. Mechanically, it plays a lot like Halo 2 but improved. The new brute weapons, addition of the badass Spartan Laser, and the new equipment feature add to the already break-neck pace of firefights. The new vehicles were a blast to ride around in as well, especially my new personal favorite the brute Chopper. In the end, Halo 3 is a thrill-ride that leans into fast-paced action but sacrifices depth and greater narrative. It is a blast to play but lacks that extra push that could take it over the top and complete the package.

To have a game cater to my wishes of punching a hole straight through some guy's head just for looking at me funny is really all that I needed currently. But, for this game to offer up a metric ton of bananas side content with it was giving way more beyond any and all expectations, not to mention the genuinely thrilling plot to boot as well.

There's something so inherently batshit about how serious the main plotline is in comparison to how extremely unserious the other 85% of the game is. Everything is so masterfully exaggerated, from doing the most simple tasks, to the wildly different mini-games, to breaking someone's head open over Kiryu's kneecap. It's got a punch that will leave a lasting impression, mixed with such an emotionally delicate storyline that finally smashes together in the climax. This game is rad as fuck and holds absolutely nothing back.

Having known really nothing about this series going in, it's interesting to see the origin story of characters you've only ever seen in passing through various youtube clips and meme gifs. Oh, how joyous it is to finally understand the context of said moments and realizing that, nope, this game is just as batshit insane as it looks on the outside. Somehow they've made it work, while the bulk of your hourly playtime is coming from the business and substory segments of the game, it's sparsely broken up by the very serious crime soap opera that would often lead to some doom and gloom without the karaoke and disco mini-games to bleach your eyeballs afterwards. It never really felt like anything was overstaying its welcome, (save for the end, but I'll get there), and the pacing was completely self-driven. If you want to shotgun this plot rather quickly, by all means, but the benefits you get from some of the substories are more than worth it. Especially with the business ventures. Sure, there’s a person who is terrified and starving in a storage unit waiting for you to get back to them, but god damn it, someone has to take their hostesses on dates.

I feel like once you do a mini-game you don't.. really have to do it again, but they're interesting time wasters for sure. You can pretty much do anything from bowling, to poker, or pocket circuit racing or even watch a wide range of girls try their best to look cutesy sexy and totally not like they're trapped in a bathroom at gunpoint. I do however find it really funny that most of these activities lead to smaller plot threads that neither of the characters really have any business learning or caring about. Oh, you want to do some little mini-car racing for a bit? Well, the owner of the establishment is a lonely guy who doesn't understand his worth and could use a self-confidence boost. Oh, you want to eat some sushi because your health is a bit low? Well, the owner is a dickhead to his nice employee that should be treated way better for the amount of effort she puts towards running the restaurant when he's not around. It's so funny, every time. The phone mini-game would be less ass without the RNG substory elements added to it, however I do wish that there were more karaoke and disco songs though.

I did enjoy the combat for the most part, but to say it's perfect would be a bit of a lie. It's pretty simplistic by nature, but has huge room for growth. When you upgrade your characters, you really do feel more powerful with every heat action or special ability unlocked. I love the various styles you can pick from and how each one may affect different bosses in different ways, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't tend to lean towards some over others. The Brawler style for Kiryu has the fast paced wombo combo dream for me that the Beast style lacks, without losing the strength behind the punch that Rush often would. I knew that if a bicycle was in range, that shit would be done in 30 seconds flat. That being said, I think I much preferred playing as Majima, as his three styles were bonkers BUSTED. Making him a lot easier to play and also a ton of fun as well. The combos that the Slugger style offers are just satisfying to pull off, with devastating results. The Breaker style would go absolutely nutty if you pulled a string of attacks off correctly. I don't think I game over'd once as Majima, it was only ever as Kiryu. Kiryu is supposed to be the main character of the whole series and I played him like straight ass the whole time. Sorry, man. This doesn't even mention the final styles of each character as well, a very worthwhile reward for putting up with the long as shit business segments that ate up most of my playtime. It was such a treat to run away from Mr. Shakedown with full pants for 90% of the game, to finally get the pleasure of breaking his spine in half once the characters were fully upgraded. The combat can get repetitive at times, especially near the end, but it never truly stopped being fun. However, the bosses always felt like a special occasion. Except the one, or two technically, optional bosses. Not sure what the lore on that was about yet but you can add this game to the list of RPGs with some of the most dogass optional bosses you've ever seen.

I'm so glad they added the ability to avoid battles by using money, but it doesn't quite work all the time if you're a little late on the draw, which is when the combat would drive me bananas. Near the end of the game, the regular enemies beef up to annoying amounts of health and attack you in droves. It makes trying to waste time and partake in business activities a nightmare sometimes. Boy, do I love getting sandwiched between a triangle of 3 dudes that are just punching me endlessly with perfect succession. Or how the later game bosses really love to somehow skate behind you and kick you into a stun that takes what seems like an eternity to break out of. This was pretty constant in the end-game, but for the most part it’s not really an issue. It’s very fun to punch into enemies and then break their bones with heat actions nonetheless.

I think most of my gripes actually come from a money balancing issue I ran into while playing. Majima seems to obtain money at a much more exponentially insane rate in comparison to Kiryu. His business mini-game is also much more interactive and while it takes longer to get through a cabaret session, the profits for defeating a Star are always humongous. The only real issue I had with it was the atrocious fashion you had to put some of those poor women through for the best results, but it’s the 80’s I guess. Anyways, he gets money insanely quickly which in turn upgrades him at a much faster rate. Kiryu on the other hand has to invest into his business, which means saving a lot of his money to advance the real estate rather than himself. Not to mention, Majima doesn’t have to invest in Mr. Moneybags nearly as much as Kiryu does, which I found odd. I ended up getting through the Cabaret plot line rather quickly, while the real estate seemed like it took ages. There was a good chunk of gameplay near the end where I’d have to go find things to do while I waited for my profits to come in, which kind of sucked and it left Kiryu behind in terms of his upgrades. Which is realistically why I probably preferred one character’s playstyle a lot more than the other.

The substories in this game are goofy as hell and I like them for the most part, but I do think we could have done with a bit less of them to be honest. Some of the best involve bowling for a turkey and some of the worst includes Kiryu buying pornography for.. a child. But, for the most part, they all end in exactly the same way with the exact same lessons to be learned for the random Joe and Smough you came across. Someone needs help with something, it turns out there’s a big miscommunication, shenanigans ensue, some dudes try to kick your ass, then rinse and repeat. Either have less substories in my opinion or, at the very least, shake up the formula on a lot of them so that the next one doesn’t feel exactly the same as the last one. They’re pretty funny at first, but later on I had to speedrun the dialogue on them to not feel like I was going absolutely insane.

All in all though, the narrative is masterfully told and definitely the best part of the game. You knew when the Japanese voice acting started, you were in for some popcorn munching shit. It starts off the rails almost immediately for both characters and never really stops. You have Kiryu thrown into what seems like a battle royale where everyone and their mom is coming for his ass no matter what he does, fighting for his damn life every second of the day. Then every so often, you switch to Majima’s much more kind-hearted, but desperate segments that contrast so well with what I can only assume his character is like in the other games. (An insane madlad.) The buildup of tension is heart pounding and it never falters. The OST fuckin’ rips. It’s just absolutely jaw dropping from the beginning and ends on such a refreshingly tender note. I’m sure there was a lot of contextual air that I was missing having played the prequel before everything else, but I am pilled enough to finally try out all the other games that came before this one.

Baka Mitai (I’ve Been a Fool) for leaving this unplayed in my Steam library for so long.

Edit: Used to be a 4.5 star rating, but I stopped doing halfsies.