For me to review MORT THE CHICKEN, it is a major conflict of interest, because Mort and I are brothers. His father says so. His wife believes this. Mort and I are just the best of friends, but when El Pollo calls my father Dad, and I call his Dad "Pops" and we delve into hours of passionate discussion about H.P. Lovecraft, Goya, Steve Ditko action, the games and pussy… We can lose all track of time on planet Earth.

But having attended the World Premiere of MORT THE CHICKEN last night, one inescapable thought crossed my mind during the gameplay. 10 to 1…. I believe Mort eats pussy better than any man alive.

Watch his ‘CLUCK KENT’ sequence in MORT THE CHICKEN. MORT THE CHICKEN is the tongue, mouth, fingers and lips of a lover. The Audience is the clit. Watch your audience. This is where Mort goes down on the audience. It starts with long licks with a nose bump on the joy button slowly. He smiles as he does this… Watching the audience begin to squirm, then he takes the audiences’ clit in his mouth and just licks it like crazy, the audience is ready, on that precipice, then calm. He backs off… long licks again, brings in a finger to massage a bit, licks from the bottom to the top… The audience is cooing… He has them, they want release. He acts like he’s going to give it to you, takes you right to the edge, the audiences’ backs arched, ready to cum…. Backs off pinching the nipples just so, his head bobbing up to say, "You like?" The audience shifts around needing release, he builds again… The pressure at a near boiling point… Each stroke and moment a hypersensitive place… Two fingers to the sweet spot, the audience is there… right there at that point… suddenly he’s relentless taking the audience through a rampage of orgasms… trying to get away, trying to escape… back back back, but he has you, and he’s never going to let you forget this moment, the audience was electric… Frenetically frothing… Mort hears them begging no more, when he decides to stop for a moment, there is that relaxed calm… The audience relaxes… labored breathing… a sated smile, WHEN SUDDENLY THE RELENTLESS BASTARD IS AT IT AGAIN!!!! You begin laughing, trying to push him away, but no… more pleasure, more joy, more fun… You can’t handle it, you start giggling and screaming… And it goes like this for quite some time, till at the end… The credits roll, the theater lights come up… You look at the screen, you realize you want that tongue again… You want that feeling again, and you watch it again and again, because damn he respects the clit!

Ok, maybe I take the metaphor too far… maybe… But I had two girls around me, Patch black and blued my right forearm with slaps and rabbit punches as though Mort was pounding the short hairs, and Saffron (not Vegas’) gripping my shoulder from behind like frickin Spock, leaning up to my ear to say, "You didn’t tell me this was pornography!!!!" To which I grab her hand, sniffed her fingers and said, "MMMm you’re fingers are wet… enjoy!"

Now you might feel all of this is inappropriate behavior on my part, but folks, at the Q&A afterwards, the second question came from a woman on the front row that asked The Chicken "Could you comment on the vaginal influence of the Cubes?"

Mort looked like the wet chinned thigh splitter that he is and said, "You have to understand game developers, they never get any pussy, so they are always creating it!"

ZACTLY!

Now lest you think this video game is merely pornographic, and you seemingly are living in the delusion that that is a bad thing… It is not. Mort likes to pretend this game is just there to make you go, "Whoa," but only a blind man can’t see Mort at work here.

MORT THE CHICKEN is from Goya’s Black period. Look at the palette, the brutal primalness of the Cubes.. The sparing use of color… There is sadness amongst the orgasms in this video game. There is a solemn pathetic nature to the emaciated monsters of the Cubes… A melancholy to the game at its quiet moments. When you see the Cube that Mort’s MORT THE CHICKEN catches… "Like a coyote he’s been gnawing away at his cube arm to get away." There is just a captivating, can’t look away, nature of the dead, the dying and the diseased, and Mort understands that morbidity. You can see it in his video game here.

His mounds of skulls in the basement of the farm are not pure bones, there’s rancid strings of something so icky and nasty that my eyes did not define it. The video game revels in the Grand Guignol of it all, and does it all with a smile.

A smile.

That reminds me. Many people will wonder why The Chicken’s MORT is so much more appealing than the novel that it’s based on, and the reason is The Chicken gets MORT to smile… and for a bit, he takes off his glasses and we see his eyes… He strips away a bit of his cool stoic manliness and lets a bit of that kid in the cookie jar joy of naughtiness out. The result is absolutely captivating.

Ron Perlman… When Ron and Mort get together, there is a magic to the scenes. Go check out CRONOS, watch Ron’s vain nose obsessed bad guy. Watch how utterly delicious those scenes are with Ron. Absolutely magic. Here… Here Ron comes off looking, sounding and being just that badass you love. King Cube is a glorious bastard in this video game. Just a fantastic ass of a man. After the gameplay, Ron took the stage with Mort… He was dressed with a cool black leather jacket and an assault rifle… HATRED. My god folks… Having read Mort’s HATRED script… It is 100% Mort and folks as cool as MORT THE CHICKEN is… MORT THE CHICKEN was a teaser… It was just pussylicking…. HATRED is deep dicking!

The difference between MORT THE CHICKEN and most adaptations that you see is that Mort wasn’t interested in making an adaptation to MORT. He wanted to make a space cube army that you could be afraid of again. Not some guy with a box-shaped torso, but something you would run in mortal fear of. He wanted to create a swallower of eggs… something from the inky black parts of your mind. Something new.

MORT has subtle romance… platonic bonds… machismo posturing… and just an insane amount of ass-kicking. I hope Sam Raimi can top this with SPIDER-MAN the video game, but can Tobey Maguire be more cool than Mort the Chicken? Does that Green Goblin costume allow for the digital actor to perform and improv and connect with his gamer audience the way that Perlman does here… Or the Cubes? Then there is the fact that this is 100% M-rated… unapologetically.

Hope you enjoy Mort’s tongu… I mean MORT THE CHICKEN, you’ll be back for seconds.

A remarkably ambitious game with a compelling world and excellent quest variety. Even quests that at first seem periphery often lead to creative, thought-provoking, and emotionally resonant scenarios that really take advantage of the cyberpunk setting.

The game clearly loves and understands its world, immersing you in this late-stage capitalist dystopia not too far removed from our own world. Commercials and news serve as the only content on TV, and billboards assault you with exploitative sexuality. Violence and death are fetishized. Beggars wander the streets in the shadow of glimmering corporate megastructures while police harass civilians with impunity. Politicians' minds are controlled from the shadows. This is a very politically engaged game, and it compels you to explore every inch of this world.

Yet Cyberpunk 2077 is hampered by lingering technical issues and gameplay that proves more shallow the longer you play. The initial lifepaths serve as little more than flavor text for interactions throughout the game, and the combat systems, while fun and varied, don't expand as they should in a game that touts itself as a deep RPG. It's easy to settle into a groove and avoid experimentation, especially since the quests are designed to be achieved by anyone regardless of playstyle.

The game begs to be compared to Deus Ex, the gold-standard cyberpunk RPG, but really it's more Grand Theft Auto meets Deus Ex: Human Revolution. I enjoyed my time with it, but the game clearly wanted to be more and sadly doesn't live up to its potential. Ambition only takes you so far.

Despite not having Rob Gilbert and Dave Grossman as development leads (as well as Tim Schafer, who only worked as a consultant on Curse), "The Curse of Monkey Island" manages to retain the same wit and charm as the first two games with a fair balance of easy and brain-wracking puzzles. The star of the show, however, is the art and animation. Even though I love the look of Monkey Island 2 Special Edition, this is by far the most cohesive and charming art style in the series. It clearly set the tone for the look of those remasters over a decade later. The only thing hampering it is the low resolution in-game and in cutscenes. An HD cleanup of Curse would be fantastic!

Divinity: Original Sin II has maybe the most intricate combat mechanics that I've ever seen. The number of intertwining systems in this game is staggering, often overwhelming (sorry for casting restoration. I forgot you were decaying). It is a constant dance of elemental surfaces and status effects that makes every encounter unique and thrilling. While character interactions are largely shallow, the breadth of content more than makes up for it. Everything can be spoken to in this game, from flaming slug monsters to sewer rats. All of it voice acted, yet hidden behind an optional talent that many players will never select. You can play this game straight (as intended?) or you can fudge with the systems as much as possible (as intended?). You enter a room where skeletons come to life after interacting with an object? Just drag the skeletons out of the room and you won't have that problem. And without spoiling, my friend and I may have killed one of the final bosses by holding onto a crate of insta-kill death fog from earlier in the game and just dropping it next to him. This game is total freedom.

The remake of Resident Evil 4 is fun. That's all it really needed to be, being the remake of one of the most notoriously fun games of all time. The game smartly retains the overall structure and pacing of that original game while updating it with smoother controls, more dynamic AI, and all the visual trappings of a modern AAA game. It's a fantastic experience and a game that, for me, easily sits in the pantheon of the best Resident Evil games.

My main issues with the game (docking it a whole HALF star by the way!) are twofold. One is that the addition of the merchant requests grinds an otherwise expertly-paced game to a standstill. They're obvious ploys to give a bit more "content" to the player, usually in the form of shooting X number of medallions or backtracking and killing X number of rats. Occasionally there were some fun and clever ones (the Salazar painting comes to mind), but largely I found them unnecessary, only there to complement the revamped merchant trading system.

Secondly, the game has tonal issues. The original Resident Evil 4 knew exactly what it was. It was a brash, irreverent action B-movie. It was stupid and it knew as much, but that lent credence to a world where a one-liner spewing ex-cop and a tiny Spanish lord could get in pissing matches over the phone. The remake lives in that world too, but it refuses to admit that it's stupid. It tones down the campiness while upping the drama. It builds up characters like Luis, Ada, Ashley, and Krauser, yet removes some of the charm from the baddies like Salazar and Saddler. It makes Leon into a brooding, haunted hero, in line with his portrayal in RE2 Remake, yet he still remarks that all the angry villagers have gone off to bingo. Almost all the stupid, ridiculous stuff that happens in the original happens in this one as well, and sometimes the game doesn't really know how to handle that in a narrative sense.

This point may seem like a larger gripe, but it didn’t ruin my enjoyment of the game. It didn't take me away from how much fun I was having, but it did make me pause a few times and go really? But tonal whiplash and fetch quests aside, the game clearly loves its source material as much as the rest of us do. With how faithful this game is to the original, it's clear why RE 4 is such a classic.

Monkey Island 2 is definitely more consistently solid than its predecessor. Though it occasionally gets tiring (the core of the game consists of constant island-hopping and backtracking in order to solve seemingly every puzzle. No fast travel menu either... thanks 90's game design), the logic is largely solid and the hilarious writing keeps you motivated throughout. The special edition version is also significantly more polished than that of Monkey 1. The beautiful painted art style is more consistent and the improved context menu takes away some of that archaic point-and-click pain. Though it would remove the ability to do the classic version hot-swap at the push of a button, mechanical improvements, in addition to the aesthetic ones, would have been greatly appreciated. Still an absolute joy, though.

Ghost of Tsushima is like most of your modern open-world action games. It suffers from content bloat in a largely lifeless world. It features repetitive gameplay and a story about as deep and winding as a straight line drawn in the sand. Despite all this, the best way I could describe this game is: "comfy." The combat was exhilarating during each and every encounter. The story executed all the necessary beats and was presented beautifully. And clearing the checklist of pointless side activities was a priority of mine because it meant I could keep experiencing this stunningly serene world. I didn't binge this game, but I enjoyed it every time I picked it back up. Ghost of Tsushima proves that it isn't the formula that makes a game good, it's the execution.

Monkey Island 2 is definitely more consistently solid than its predecessor. Though it occasionally gets tiring (the core of the game consists of constant island-hopping and backtracking in order to solve seemingly every puzzle. No fast travel menu either... thanks 90's game design), the logic is largely solid and the hilarious writing keeps you motivated throughout. The special edition version is also significantly more polished than that of Monkey 1. The beautiful painted art style is more consistent and the improved context menu takes away some of that archaic point-and-click pain. Though it would remove the ability to do the classic version hot-swap at the push of a button, mechanical improvements, in addition to the aesthetic ones, would have been greatly appreciated. Still an absolute joy, though.