yomarz
2019
It was satisfying to play and short enough to not get stale. Not crazy about randomized levels though. The levels are so short that the randomness barely mattered. It just encouraged you to rush through and die until you happen to get lucky. Though I guess that's the point in a game called Ape Out.
2000
For me to review MORT THE CHICKEN, it is a major conflict of interest, because Mort and I are brothers. His father says so. His wife believes this. Mort and I are just the best of friends, but when El Pollo calls my father Dad, and I call his Dad "Pops" and we delve into hours of passionate discussion about H.P. Lovecraft, Goya, Steve Ditko action, the games and pussy… We can lose all track of time on planet Earth.
But having attended the World Premiere of MORT THE CHICKEN last night, one inescapable thought crossed my mind during the gameplay. 10 to 1…. I believe Mort eats pussy better than any man alive.
Watch his ‘CLUCK KENT’ sequence in MORT THE CHICKEN. MORT THE CHICKEN is the tongue, mouth, fingers and lips of a lover. The Audience is the clit. Watch your audience. This is where Mort goes down on the audience. It starts with long licks with a nose bump on the joy button slowly. He smiles as he does this… Watching the audience begin to squirm, then he takes the audiences’ clit in his mouth and just licks it like crazy, the audience is ready, on that precipice, then calm. He backs off… long licks again, brings in a finger to massage a bit, licks from the bottom to the top… The audience is cooing… He has them, they want release. He acts like he’s going to give it to you, takes you right to the edge, the audiences’ backs arched, ready to cum…. Backs off pinching the nipples just so, his head bobbing up to say, "You like?" The audience shifts around needing release, he builds again… The pressure at a near boiling point… Each stroke and moment a hypersensitive place… Two fingers to the sweet spot, the audience is there… right there at that point… suddenly he’s relentless taking the audience through a rampage of orgasms… trying to get away, trying to escape… back back back, but he has you, and he’s never going to let you forget this moment, the audience was electric… Frenetically frothing… Mort hears them begging no more, when he decides to stop for a moment, there is that relaxed calm… The audience relaxes… labored breathing… a sated smile, WHEN SUDDENLY THE RELENTLESS BASTARD IS AT IT AGAIN!!!! You begin laughing, trying to push him away, but no… more pleasure, more joy, more fun… You can’t handle it, you start giggling and screaming… And it goes like this for quite some time, till at the end… The credits roll, the theater lights come up… You look at the screen, you realize you want that tongue again… You want that feeling again, and you watch it again and again, because damn he respects the clit!
Ok, maybe I take the metaphor too far… maybe… But I had two girls around me, Patch black and blued my right forearm with slaps and rabbit punches as though Mort was pounding the short hairs, and Saffron (not Vegas’) gripping my shoulder from behind like frickin Spock, leaning up to my ear to say, "You didn’t tell me this was pornography!!!!" To which I grab her hand, sniffed her fingers and said, "MMMm you’re fingers are wet… enjoy!"
Now you might feel all of this is inappropriate behavior on my part, but folks, at the Q&A afterwards, the second question came from a woman on the front row that asked The Chicken "Could you comment on the vaginal influence of the Cubes?"
Mort looked like the wet chinned thigh splitter that he is and said, "You have to understand game developers, they never get any pussy, so they are always creating it!"
ZACTLY!
Now lest you think this video game is merely pornographic, and you seemingly are living in the delusion that that is a bad thing… It is not. Mort likes to pretend this game is just there to make you go, "Whoa," but only a blind man can’t see Mort at work here.
MORT THE CHICKEN is from Goya’s Black period. Look at the palette, the brutal primalness of the Cubes.. The sparing use of color… There is sadness amongst the orgasms in this video game. There is a solemn pathetic nature to the emaciated monsters of the Cubes… A melancholy to the game at its quiet moments. When you see the Cube that Mort’s MORT THE CHICKEN catches… "Like a coyote he’s been gnawing away at his cube arm to get away." There is just a captivating, can’t look away, nature of the dead, the dying and the diseased, and Mort understands that morbidity. You can see it in his video game here.
His mounds of skulls in the basement of the farm are not pure bones, there’s rancid strings of something so icky and nasty that my eyes did not define it. The video game revels in the Grand Guignol of it all, and does it all with a smile.
A smile.
That reminds me. Many people will wonder why The Chicken’s MORT is so much more appealing than the novel that it’s based on, and the reason is The Chicken gets MORT to smile… and for a bit, he takes off his glasses and we see his eyes… He strips away a bit of his cool stoic manliness and lets a bit of that kid in the cookie jar joy of naughtiness out. The result is absolutely captivating.
Ron Perlman… When Ron and Mort get together, there is a magic to the scenes. Go check out CRONOS, watch Ron’s vain nose obsessed bad guy. Watch how utterly delicious those scenes are with Ron. Absolutely magic. Here… Here Ron comes off looking, sounding and being just that badass you love. King Cube is a glorious bastard in this video game. Just a fantastic ass of a man. After the gameplay, Ron took the stage with Mort… He was dressed with a cool black leather jacket and an assault rifle… HATRED. My god folks… Having read Mort’s HATRED script… It is 100% Mort and folks as cool as MORT THE CHICKEN is… MORT THE CHICKEN was a teaser… It was just pussylicking…. HATRED is deep dicking!
The difference between MORT THE CHICKEN and most adaptations that you see is that Mort wasn’t interested in making an adaptation to MORT. He wanted to make a space cube army that you could be afraid of again. Not some guy with a box-shaped torso, but something you would run in mortal fear of. He wanted to create a swallower of eggs… something from the inky black parts of your mind. Something new.
MORT has subtle romance… platonic bonds… machismo posturing… and just an insane amount of ass-kicking. I hope Sam Raimi can top this with SPIDER-MAN the video game, but can Tobey Maguire be more cool than Mort the Chicken? Does that Green Goblin costume allow for the digital actor to perform and improv and connect with his gamer audience the way that Perlman does here… Or the Cubes? Then there is the fact that this is 100% M-rated… unapologetically.
Hope you enjoy Mort’s tongu… I mean MORT THE CHICKEN, you’ll be back for seconds.
But having attended the World Premiere of MORT THE CHICKEN last night, one inescapable thought crossed my mind during the gameplay. 10 to 1…. I believe Mort eats pussy better than any man alive.
Watch his ‘CLUCK KENT’ sequence in MORT THE CHICKEN. MORT THE CHICKEN is the tongue, mouth, fingers and lips of a lover. The Audience is the clit. Watch your audience. This is where Mort goes down on the audience. It starts with long licks with a nose bump on the joy button slowly. He smiles as he does this… Watching the audience begin to squirm, then he takes the audiences’ clit in his mouth and just licks it like crazy, the audience is ready, on that precipice, then calm. He backs off… long licks again, brings in a finger to massage a bit, licks from the bottom to the top… The audience is cooing… He has them, they want release. He acts like he’s going to give it to you, takes you right to the edge, the audiences’ backs arched, ready to cum…. Backs off pinching the nipples just so, his head bobbing up to say, "You like?" The audience shifts around needing release, he builds again… The pressure at a near boiling point… Each stroke and moment a hypersensitive place… Two fingers to the sweet spot, the audience is there… right there at that point… suddenly he’s relentless taking the audience through a rampage of orgasms… trying to get away, trying to escape… back back back, but he has you, and he’s never going to let you forget this moment, the audience was electric… Frenetically frothing… Mort hears them begging no more, when he decides to stop for a moment, there is that relaxed calm… The audience relaxes… labored breathing… a sated smile, WHEN SUDDENLY THE RELENTLESS BASTARD IS AT IT AGAIN!!!! You begin laughing, trying to push him away, but no… more pleasure, more joy, more fun… You can’t handle it, you start giggling and screaming… And it goes like this for quite some time, till at the end… The credits roll, the theater lights come up… You look at the screen, you realize you want that tongue again… You want that feeling again, and you watch it again and again, because damn he respects the clit!
Ok, maybe I take the metaphor too far… maybe… But I had two girls around me, Patch black and blued my right forearm with slaps and rabbit punches as though Mort was pounding the short hairs, and Saffron (not Vegas’) gripping my shoulder from behind like frickin Spock, leaning up to my ear to say, "You didn’t tell me this was pornography!!!!" To which I grab her hand, sniffed her fingers and said, "MMMm you’re fingers are wet… enjoy!"
Now you might feel all of this is inappropriate behavior on my part, but folks, at the Q&A afterwards, the second question came from a woman on the front row that asked The Chicken "Could you comment on the vaginal influence of the Cubes?"
Mort looked like the wet chinned thigh splitter that he is and said, "You have to understand game developers, they never get any pussy, so they are always creating it!"
ZACTLY!
Now lest you think this video game is merely pornographic, and you seemingly are living in the delusion that that is a bad thing… It is not. Mort likes to pretend this game is just there to make you go, "Whoa," but only a blind man can’t see Mort at work here.
MORT THE CHICKEN is from Goya’s Black period. Look at the palette, the brutal primalness of the Cubes.. The sparing use of color… There is sadness amongst the orgasms in this video game. There is a solemn pathetic nature to the emaciated monsters of the Cubes… A melancholy to the game at its quiet moments. When you see the Cube that Mort’s MORT THE CHICKEN catches… "Like a coyote he’s been gnawing away at his cube arm to get away." There is just a captivating, can’t look away, nature of the dead, the dying and the diseased, and Mort understands that morbidity. You can see it in his video game here.
His mounds of skulls in the basement of the farm are not pure bones, there’s rancid strings of something so icky and nasty that my eyes did not define it. The video game revels in the Grand Guignol of it all, and does it all with a smile.
A smile.
That reminds me. Many people will wonder why The Chicken’s MORT is so much more appealing than the novel that it’s based on, and the reason is The Chicken gets MORT to smile… and for a bit, he takes off his glasses and we see his eyes… He strips away a bit of his cool stoic manliness and lets a bit of that kid in the cookie jar joy of naughtiness out. The result is absolutely captivating.
Ron Perlman… When Ron and Mort get together, there is a magic to the scenes. Go check out CRONOS, watch Ron’s vain nose obsessed bad guy. Watch how utterly delicious those scenes are with Ron. Absolutely magic. Here… Here Ron comes off looking, sounding and being just that badass you love. King Cube is a glorious bastard in this video game. Just a fantastic ass of a man. After the gameplay, Ron took the stage with Mort… He was dressed with a cool black leather jacket and an assault rifle… HATRED. My god folks… Having read Mort’s HATRED script… It is 100% Mort and folks as cool as MORT THE CHICKEN is… MORT THE CHICKEN was a teaser… It was just pussylicking…. HATRED is deep dicking!
The difference between MORT THE CHICKEN and most adaptations that you see is that Mort wasn’t interested in making an adaptation to MORT. He wanted to make a space cube army that you could be afraid of again. Not some guy with a box-shaped torso, but something you would run in mortal fear of. He wanted to create a swallower of eggs… something from the inky black parts of your mind. Something new.
MORT has subtle romance… platonic bonds… machismo posturing… and just an insane amount of ass-kicking. I hope Sam Raimi can top this with SPIDER-MAN the video game, but can Tobey Maguire be more cool than Mort the Chicken? Does that Green Goblin costume allow for the digital actor to perform and improv and connect with his gamer audience the way that Perlman does here… Or the Cubes? Then there is the fact that this is 100% M-rated… unapologetically.
Hope you enjoy Mort’s tongu… I mean MORT THE CHICKEN, you’ll be back for seconds.