Time Traveler is a laserdisc FMV arcade game where the player controls Marshal Gram as he travels through time warps in order to save a damsel in distress. The most notable aspect of the game is its graphics, which appeared to look like holographs.
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The Setting: Action Arcade, Northville, MI, circa 1992.
The Game: Time Traveler
The Story: Holy shit. Look at this thing. It’s a goddamn HOLOGRAM. It looks so damn cool. The whole machine is so futuristic, I can’t help but be drawn in. However, it cost a dollar to play. Now, I don’t know about now, but back then a dollar was a big deal at an arcade. That was 4 plays of Street Fighter II! My dad would usually give my brothers and me a couple bucks for an hour or two of playtime, so my money has to be spent wisely. But I can’t help it. I have to play Time Traveler! I will actually be able to control this holographic dude with a laser gun! So I make the decision. I put the dollar into the machine. It doesn’t even take quarters. There is no way that this won’t be the single greatest experience in my life.
Here we go! I am controlling this kick-ass dude with a cowboy hat! Maybe I’ll try jumping? Holy shit it works! THIS IS SO FUCK— oh shit. I died. Okay. Well, I have two lives left, so maybe this time I won’t mess around. I’ll try shooting this thing right here— oop. Damn thing killed me again. Crap. I only have one life left, I need to focus all my energy so I don’t— and I’m dead. GAME OVER.
That’s it. 30 seconds. I played this thing for 30 seconds. Are you kidding me? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? WHAT THE EVERLOVING GODDAMN SHIT WAS THAT? DID I REALLY JUST WASTE A WHOLE UNITED STATES DOLLAR BANK NOTE ON THIS THING? I COULD HAVE BEEN PLAYING STREET FIGHTER! I COULD HAVE SHOT 9000 HADOUKENS OUT OF MY ASSHOLE WITH THE FOUR QUARTERS I JUST WASTED! WHY?? WHY?????
“Hey… hey Dad. Can I… can I have just a little more…?”
“No? NO? Why not? Don’t you see what I’ve been through? Don’t you see that my entire hopes and dreams were crushed in the time it took to let out a fart?
“I need to Sonic Boom. I need it. Please let me shoot one Sonic Boom. Please.”
But I never Sonic Boomed. Nor would I ever again, at least at that arcade. It closed down shortly thereafter and became a laundromat. Every time I drove by that place from then on I was faced with the empty hole in my heart where Yoga Flames and Hundred Hand Slaps should be filled. That hole remains to this day.
In short, this game isn’t very good.
The Game: Time Traveler
The Story: Holy shit. Look at this thing. It’s a goddamn HOLOGRAM. It looks so damn cool. The whole machine is so futuristic, I can’t help but be drawn in. However, it cost a dollar to play. Now, I don’t know about now, but back then a dollar was a big deal at an arcade. That was 4 plays of Street Fighter II! My dad would usually give my brothers and me a couple bucks for an hour or two of playtime, so my money has to be spent wisely. But I can’t help it. I have to play Time Traveler! I will actually be able to control this holographic dude with a laser gun! So I make the decision. I put the dollar into the machine. It doesn’t even take quarters. There is no way that this won’t be the single greatest experience in my life.
Here we go! I am controlling this kick-ass dude with a cowboy hat! Maybe I’ll try jumping? Holy shit it works! THIS IS SO FUCK— oh shit. I died. Okay. Well, I have two lives left, so maybe this time I won’t mess around. I’ll try shooting this thing right here— oop. Damn thing killed me again. Crap. I only have one life left, I need to focus all my energy so I don’t— and I’m dead. GAME OVER.
That’s it. 30 seconds. I played this thing for 30 seconds. Are you kidding me? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? WHAT THE EVERLOVING GODDAMN SHIT WAS THAT? DID I REALLY JUST WASTE A WHOLE UNITED STATES DOLLAR BANK NOTE ON THIS THING? I COULD HAVE BEEN PLAYING STREET FIGHTER! I COULD HAVE SHOT 9000 HADOUKENS OUT OF MY ASSHOLE WITH THE FOUR QUARTERS I JUST WASTED! WHY?? WHY?????
“Hey… hey Dad. Can I… can I have just a little more…?”
“No? NO? Why not? Don’t you see what I’ve been through? Don’t you see that my entire hopes and dreams were crushed in the time it took to let out a fart?
“I need to Sonic Boom. I need it. Please let me shoot one Sonic Boom. Please.”
But I never Sonic Boomed. Nor would I ever again, at least at that arcade. It closed down shortly thereafter and became a laundromat. Every time I drove by that place from then on I was faced with the empty hole in my heart where Yoga Flames and Hundred Hand Slaps should be filled. That hole remains to this day.
In short, this game isn’t very good.