On its face, Icey seems like the most Cameroncore video game ever made. A 2D beat em up that takes clear design cues from all kinds of 3D action games, AND has a cute anime girl? I mean, hell yeah! Throw in a bit of unexpected meta insanity for good measure, cause why not, and you'd have a game that I'd look at and say, "Oh yeah, that's an all timer!" in a better world. Yeah, I'm starting this review complaining I only liked a video game, woe is me.

But what's the deal with Icey? Well, stripped of the sudden meta narrative, that's really the most interesting thing the narrative really has going for itself, it's exactly as I decribed! A 2D beat-em-up that takes cues from the plethora of 3D action titans; Devil May Cry's emphasis on juggling enemies, Metal Gear Rising's Zandatsu, Ninja Gaiden's ultimate techniques, some real cool stuff, and the combat feels really good! It's great, even! You can hammer in on enemies as stylishly as possible, juggling for as long as you can keep it up, or go for frame-perfect dodges into critical hits. I wish there was a better upgrade system; the game only offers buffs to the damage of attacks, rather than a wide array of new ones, and either I did something wrong by not exploring enough, or the game is mad stingy with actually giving you currency. But all in all, on a base level? Icey is damn solid to play! Combined with the enemies and bosses being generally fun, it's got all the hallmarks of what I love in a game like this! Like I said, it'd be an all-time favourite contender for me if a few things were just ironed out.

And that's just the thing, because when Icey's fun, it's really fun! But when it isn't, it's pretty dire. A lot of the enemies have some pretty annoying quirks, ranging from command-grabbers who I swear grab you frame 1, to the laser motherfuckers who are some of the most annoying, tiny bastards I've had to experience in a video game in some time. If an enemy has lasers, you either solo in on those fuckers, or you can get comboed to death by them with barely any chance to break out, leading to half your health, or more, vanishing in the blink of an eye. That stuff really makes the final boss, who has multiple different laser patterns as you chip away at his 5 health bars, feel like a complete gamble as to whether you'll sweep the floor with him, or get absolutely shat on. A couple of other enemies and bosses really rubbed me wrong, but the final boss stuck out the most because it means the game has to end on such a sour note, and that bites. A game that HLTB pegged at 2.5 hours and my 5 hour playthrough probably had at least a quarter playtime spent on that fucker.

But you know what really gets on my balls? Icey's narrator. I mean no disrespect to the actor themselves; I'd assume their native language isn't English, which leads to a lot of stilted line delivery. Understandable, but it's the general tone of the voice used, combined with the intense frequency and how quickly you'll get barked at for daring to go off the beaten path, that make me groan whenever it happened. Just a simple option to turn it off would go massively appreciated, sometimes it's better to let the game speak for itself, rather than trying the whole narrator shtick because I guess The Stanley Parable did it and it was the cool thing to do?

Man, that's the biggest bitch of it all. I was genuinely really impressed by Icey's combat and non-existent fourth wall. Like, damn, this is an indie game? It's just a shame that the game's flaws are so glaring, because there's some delicious stuff right down in the core of the game. It looks pretty slick, there's some good music in there, but the limp upgrade system, narrator and sometimes aggrivating enemy design bring it down a few pegs. I'd kill to see the game's positives get expanded on in a sequel or something, but I doubt that's happening anytime soon. Still, in spite of how negative this review probably sounds, Icey's got enough good just based in its pure combat sytem that I'd at least give it a recommendation for those curious, or just itching for a new 2D beat-em-up to try. I mean, it's hard to go wrong if you can grab it on sale; since it goes on sale for dirt cheap and isn't too terribly long assuming the final boss isn't buttfucking you raw for ages.