Tick. Tick. Tick.

It is February 2022. I don’t remember the date. I’m sitting in my living room at midnight. I’m scrolling through twitter.
Nothing better to do with my time.

I see my friend, Rom, on the timeline talking about a game he really enjoys.
Tsukihime.
Game? That’s not quite right—it’s a visual novel. Up until this point the only one’s I’ve played are a handful of Ace Attorney games and the main entries in the Danganronpa series, but I see them more as games than visual novels in my eyes. I’m not particularly enticed by the screenshots of Tsukihime that I see either… I don’t read much and I don’t know if I could handle 50 hours of just that.

But even so, I’m find myself being pulled towards it…like a lost relic from the past, I’m nostalgic for it without a reason to be so, it might just be that I’ve played a lot of Melty Blood the year prior without any care for where these characters originated from but this feeling scratches away at my mind like a dog with my curiosity being the only driving factor. I do not understand.
—I cave.

𝗧𝗦𝗨𝗞𝗜𝗛𝗜𝗠𝗘
—Suddenly, I awaken with a start.
I can’t remember much from my reaction to the beginning, other than that I only experienced the first three hours before going to sleep, expecting myself to continue the next day. I didn’t.
A few months later, I find myself isolated. I can’t talk to my friends, I can’t do much of anything except waste my time playing video games. Still, it’s not all bad. This allows me to overcome some games on my backlog.
A voice in my head nags at me. Begging me to come back, come back to Tsukihime. Before I know it, I find myself on the title screen again. Over the course of the next two days, I find myself enthralled by the game, especially by Arcueid Brunestud. I wouldn’t call myself a “milkman” in any capacity…but something about this particular white woman puts her apart from the rest of the cast.

I meet her in the street. It’s my first contact with her.
It’s my worst contact with her.
Yet she still takes a chance on Shiki, and he takes a chance on her. They’re each other's polar opposites but incredibly similar too. They’re both beings haunted by a sin they committed as they try to atone for it. Their sins are pulling them toward each other, and it’s ultimately their sins that are tearing them apart. A love burns in Shiki’s heart that’s only matched by his murderous rage, both birthed out of the same place. He can’t let go.
A few days go by and I’m at the end. Shiki stares at the orange sky, I stare at my laptop screen. Both of us are waiting, waiting for a chance to meet her again and yet that feeling is what we ultimately must let go off.
The credits start rolling. There’s not a single tear in my eye…yet I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way at something before. I promise myself that I will finish this VN soon. The first of many lies.
On the 18th of April, 2022 at 12:02 am, I finish Arcueid’s route.

𝗗𝗔𝗬𝗟𝗜𝗚𝗛𝗧 𝗕𝗟𝗨𝗘
I close my laptop after that ending. I’m excited. I don’t think I’ve been invested in something this much in a while. I promise myself that I’ll start reading the next route tomorrow. This too, of course, is a lie.
I feel like it should be put into perspective just how much I had changed when I picked up Tsukihime again. I’d finished The Silver Case and with it I felt like a whole new world had been opened to me, a different way of viewing art itself. I feel like it was made for me on every level and it showed me where the true strength of a visual novel medium lies. Surely nothing else will ever make me feel this way, right?

—I’m in a familiar place. I’m isolated again. I’ve got nothing to do, nobody to talk to. Slowly, I feel an urge come over me. I’ve been here before, I know what to do. I find myself on the title screen again.

This music…I realized it before but this track really is beautiful. As limited and repetitive as Tsukihime’s tracks can get at times, I still love the sound. The repetition of the tracks is something I can grow accustomed to.
The same can’t be said for the narrative.
A few hours into the Ciel route and I’m still clicking away most of what I read. I’ve read all this before, seen all this before. It’s not unpleasant to go through this once more, but I really feel this is holding Ciel back as a character. I don’t think she’s being given ample time to develop her. I’m at the halfway point now, I think. I can’t tell when the Arcueid route ends and the Ciel route begins, but I think I made it.
Now that I think about it, each heroine is a character that lives and dies depending on their relationship with Shiki so what exactly is going on? Am I not near the end? Why is it still-

THUMP
—My heart throbs. I realise it.
This isn’t a mistake. This is a love triangle.
Frustrated. I’m frustrated. The more I read the more my suspicions just get confirmed. “Show don’t tell” is the rule isn’t it? Then why are scenes, ones that can be moving and impactful, traded away for a quick explanation of how each other is feeling? This is crazy, I’m crazy. I’m complaining about exposition dumps in a story filled to the brim with them. But I can’t help but feel this is where it’s most egregious.
What I’m reading…it’s something about perspective. Not only just in the routes, but bit by bit you uncover more of these characters, things you aren’t told in the other routes, and the two Near Side routes are a perfect showcase of that. Ciel is someone who’s able to stand on her own, apart from Arcueid, as a character. Yet she still parallels Shiki’s descent. So it’s frustrating. Frustrating that the relationship between these two feels so underdeveloped.
These thoughts keep churning in my head. At the forefront of my mind, while I keep on reading. I’m at the end now, the end of this journey. I’ve been critical of this whole route…so why does it make me feel this way? Is it some kind of Stockholm Syndrome? Am I just easily won over by lazy writing?

Shiki opens his eyes and Ciel’s teardrops fall. I smile.
On the 8th of January, 2023 at 1:08 am, I finish Ciel’s route.

𝗪𝗔𝗥𝗠 𝗔𝗙𝗧𝗘𝗥𝗡𝗢𝗢𝗡 𝗡𝗔𝗣
I close my laptop. I lie to myself again. It’s become a ritual now.

—It’s March. Hell is right around the corner for me. I don’t care. I don’t want anything to do with it. I refuse. I utterly refuse to care what life is throwing at me. Truth be told I don’t even think of it. To escape my hell, I decide to dip my toes into another one.
Truth be told, I knew what I was getting into with this route. It’s simple when I think about it. This is a game where in each route you have a heroine that you get into a romantic relationship with, so it’s not too far-fetched to assume this route will do the same. Only problem is that the heroine is the Shiki’s sister.

I can handle “dark” subject matter, it’s not a question of whether or not I can stomach incest, it’s if this game handles it well. Either that…or it veers into the dangerous territory of “problematic”. I’ve always found discussions about problematic content interesting. Of course I think the elements that fall under that label shouldn’t be in media if they’re used to fetishize them but I can’t help but notice that a lot of the argument surrounding them centers on the fact of morality. That in a society as consumed by capitalism as ours the only way to have an identity, something with which we can recognize others, is by the content we inhale at a rapid pace. Where the only way we can tell others that we are inherently good is if we enjoy stuff that doesn’t have anything “problematic”.

—There’s someone out there who could probably make an essay of this topic, but this is a review on Backloggd and I’ve spent too much time thinking about this because I’m already at the big scene.

“I love you as my sister.” Shiki says.
I hold my breath. Time feels like it’s stopped. A spark ignites in my head, the synapses of my brain jolt back and forth. My eyes fixate on the screen. My hand hovers on the spacebar. Maybe it will be all right, maybe there is no incest. I have hope, but fear still has an iron grip on me. After what feels like an eternity, I close the gap between my finger and my keyboard.
“But… I love you as my sister even more.”
I close my eyes.
“It is fate.” I utter.
Nothing I can do besides accept it.

Fate. It’s only now I realise that fate lies at the heart of this route. I’m so close to the end but this is where this route has laid its soul bare. Are we all fated to end up this way? Or can we change that? Is Akiha is a product of nature and Shiki one of nurture? Can you even fight against yourself in that manner? Is a child who has been abused all his life destined to repeat that cycle of abuse, is that evil just in his nature? It took me too long to realise, and now it’s too late.
Under a blue sky, a girl cries and hugs a knife. The end credits start playing.

On the 3rd of March, 2023 at 1:04 pm, I finish Akiha’s route.

𝗠𝗜𝗗𝗗𝗔𝗬 𝗠𝗢𝗢𝗡
—I lie again.

I have an idea. I’m eventually going to finish this visual novel one day, so why not make my review different for this one? Why not write in the style of Nasu’s prose?
Of course, I know how insane that sounds. I can’t compare to the real thing but I want to try anyway. It seems like a good way to challenge my writing capabilities.
The biggest hurdle right now is actually finishing this thing. I’m free now, so why don’t I finish Hisui’s route as soon as I can?

The first thing I notice is that this is a repeat of everything in the Akiha route for now. Mindless taps. Nothing but mindless taps.
Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.
I’m in a dark room.
Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.
I keep waiting.
Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.
That rhythmic tap of the spacebar. I press it over and over and over. I feel like I’m going insane. But I can feel it, I’m so close. So close to finally getting to the new stuff but with each tap my patience keeps dwindling until there’s nothing left. Knots in my brain. Cold dead eyes. I stare at the screen.
Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Ta-

This is it. I’m here.
…
……
………!?
Is this a joke? I don’t understand.
The main scenario in this chapter is just Shiki going insane in a room. Just like I was. For a moment it feels like an unfortunate coincidence, something to point at and laugh but I can’t but feel like there’s something more. I have spent these past few months honing my backloggdian skills, becoming a better writer on the way.
No. My analytical skills tell me this is something more.
Yes. Kinoko Nasu did all this purpose. Yes. Kinoko Nasu is that much of a genius.
I clasp my hands in a prayer. Blessed I am to be reading this visual novel. I can only marvel at this man’s sheer writing power. With this one route, I am not “just like” Shiki Tohno. I have become him.

But I’m ignoring something, aren’t I?
Hisui’s doll-like expressions, calm demeanor, and general aloofness is something I’ve grown accustomed to by now. So seeing it break doesn’t feel like the conclusion of a character arc, it feels like a porcelain doll shattering. It’s messy. Every time I look at her I see nothing, besides someone so hellbent on protecting oneself by any means necessary. Even if it means not rejecting your own humanity.

I’m underneath a tree. Clear blue sky. I listen to her.
My heart shatters.

On the 4th of October, 2023 at 11:08am, I finish Hisui’s route.

𝗗𝗥𝗘𝗔𝗠𝗦 𝗢𝗙 𝗦𝗨𝗡𝗦𝗛𝗜𝗡𝗘
I’m done lying.

—Perspective.
It lies at the heart of Tsukihime. A subtle change in how you perceive an event can lead to a radically different outcome. For a story that’s written with this theme at heart, I can only expect the final route to be a culmination of everything I’ve come to know so far.

But with each clicking sound on my keyboard, I just feel my opinions lowering. Is this…really it? I didn’t expect a grand finale but most of what I’ve seen so far is just a rehash of the Hisui route, and not in a good way. I can almost taste the laziness through the screen.
I don’t know if I’m disappointed or something else. In a way, I can’t say this is surprising. But regardless, everything feels so rushed. It’s almost tragic to see a narrative failing its most interesting character.
—Hate.
Everything in this house is built on hate. A carefully constructed façade through and through. If you didn’t know, you could have never even guessed, and the more I play the more I become convinced that everything would’ve turned out this way, sooner or later.

I keep pressing the spacebar. Of course, now I’m long past the point of divergence with the Hisui route as well. Coming face to face with what the route has to offer and I can’t help but feel an ache in my heart, coupled with a smirk on my face. I ache for what suffering took place but my smirk isn’t a sign of a critique of the game. I think.
In a lot of ways, Kohaku’s route sort of mirrors Akiha’s route as well. “Can a doll be fixed?” being the main question here. When do you stop believing in a person, when do you give up? For a person as pigheaded as Shiki Tohno, the answer is obvious. Of course I smirk, if only Akiha route’s Shiki could see what this one has to say about incest.
I come closer and closer to the finish line. The only thing I can hope for is a happy ending, and I got a rushed one.

On the 8th of October, 2023 at 11:26pm, I finish Kohaku’s route.

𝗘𝗖𝗟𝗜𝗣𝗦𝗘
—I’m finally here, aren’t I?
Text pops up on the screen, my eyes carefully examine every single line. I don’t know what I’m looking for. Maybe a more meaningful understanding of everything so I can tell myself that it was worth it. Maybe I don’t want it to end.
With each tap, with each clicking sound, I read more and more of the final words this product has to offer. Maybe it’s a form of Stockholm Syndrome, but despite its faults, I think this visual novel won me over.
What am I saying? Stockholm Syndrome isn’t even real.
Even now as I sit here months later, way past the due date on this review, I think back to it. My first experience opening Tsukihime and meeting her, along with my last.
I can only hope that I captured even a little bit of what makes Nasu’s writing so captivating to read, but even I can acknowledge that this is nothing more than a pale imitation. Although…don’t we all try to imitate a little bit of everything that we see?

When it comes to what I’ll imitate besides this…well…
The way I look at it, every single person touched by Shiki is due to his love. His decision to pay back that small bit of kindness he received when he was very little. We are all surrounded by kind people aren’t we? So why do we hurt the ones we love the most?
You may call this unrelated rambling. I call it a clever way of imitating Nasu’s tendency to go on tangents.

At the end of the day, I have nothing more than the memories I received. It doesn’t matter if they’re positive or not, I’m just glad to have them. I know that even they will twist, even they will fade. But I don’t care.

—The lunar eclipse is far away.
So I let go.
You go ahead and pass through your remaining time.
I’ll pass through mine.
Thank you, for everything.