The first game I ever beat, almost twenty years ago. I haven’t played or seen anything from it since, so this review is made while wearing olive-tinted glasses. Any mention of the narrative is a complete guess, so please don’t lambast me for any errors. The errors are probably more interesting. Don’t message me, telling me that my review is “total frogwash”, because I already know.

I don’t have to replay the game after two decades to know this: the controls are horrible. I vividly recall failing jumps multiple times, and shrieked like a typical squeaker. They really made the experience realistic by making Frogger jump with as much force and randomness as a real frog. They set the realism in overdrive by giving Frogger a mastery of martial arts. And you can spit. I don’t know why, but you can.

You spend the majority of the game hoping to platform successfully, collecting…gems? And there are runes that you can pick up to get magic abilities. Oh that’s right, it’s set in a medieval-like fantasy world. This is either due to Frogger using a time machine, getting lost in a nightmare, or being stuck in this purgatoric-like fever dream after getting squished flat by a semi. Or maybe this story follows the ancestor of the Frogger we know and love.

I really don’t remember the story. I was too busy being pissed at the controls and the enemies. All I remember is feeling an overwhelming sense of accomplishment for beating it. I mean, I beat this game, after giving up on Halo: Combat Evolved on the easiest difficulty (I got to the end! I just hated timed levels when I was younger and gave up before trying).

Would I recommend this game? No. Not at all. I just needed to gloat about conquering this pile of frogspawn. This was the first game I beat, so I wanted it to be my first game review. In the words of Mark Twain, “if it’s your job to eat a frog, it’s best to do it first thing in the morning.”