I thought the game from 2005 doesn't need a remake. After playing this I am sure of it.
So this is a game where you play as some dude named Leon, spec ops operator tasked with rescuing presidents daughter from the hands of evil spain people. Unfortunately, Leon arrives just in time for Barcelona Beer Festival, in which he was obligated to participate. I can not find another reason for our hero to move as awkward as he does in this game other than being absolutely shitfaced. You can only give him vague suggestion to where he should place his legs and hope for the best. Same with weapon handling. Looks like our star of the military academy was absent in all weapon handling lessons but passed the parrying-chainsaw-with-a-toothpick exam with flying colours. Maybe that's the reason of his hand tremor. Ah, yes, I also want to tell that managing inventory in this case is one of the most unresponsive experiences I've ever had. It's absolutely unbearable with a mouse pointer and infuriating with keyboard. How did this happen?
Capcoms race after "hyper-realistic movement" turned the game into an infuriating slog. No, capcom, waiting ten seconds for reticle to narrow down only works in RE2, where the battles were slow. I don't want to stop and scan some granny face while her husband is running at me with a pitchfork and their family dog is gnawing at my leg. No, capcom, shooting ranges do not work with this shooting mechanics because shooting down that one last skull at the far end of a range is just random, there is no fun.
After you arrive to the village and drop a pendant into a puddle of shit, you're getting acquainted with this locations mayor, Rasputin. He is a great dude and shows you how updated the boss fights in this game are. The boss is a great entry point to the game. He feels pretty fair, all his attacks can be dodged or blocked and he doesn't take much resources to deal with. After fighting him you move onwards to the castle with a smile on your face, after all, you can't wait to see how all other bosses were updated. And there's that statue-running sequence waiting ahead. But you feel like something is a bit wrong.
Once you get to the castle, you get it. Characters lost their charm. Yeah, the jokes and one-liners are still here, but their delivery is extremely lackluster. I see sassy writing spoken by brooding super serious dudes in uniform. It feels like your mom started to utilize memes in her everyday phrases. "But, well, the iconic scenes are still there, right? The bosses are now good, right? Right?" Let me tell you what I remembered from my old days. I remember how Leon shot the gramophone after being thrown down the pit and pulling a grappling hook out of his ass. I remember the red-robed dude in a minigun turret. I remember running from a giant statue. Are any of those scenes in the game? Well, Leon does shoot at a gramophone at one occasion. But there is no impact, Napoleon doesn't even react to it, it feels like "look player, our hero did that scene you remember! we cool, right?". Is there a turret guy? No, there is no turret guy. Well, at least the most iconic statue sequence is in the game, right? No. No, it is not. They even took our free rocket launcher.
"But what about the bosses?" You know what, dear reader, both Napoleon and his bug-buddy were two bosses where I always had a rocket launcher. For first because it was free and for second because it was too bothersome to fight it. That feeling didn't go away. The bug is easy but for some reason takes illegal amount of inventory to take down. I had a full case of hand grenades and found even more on-site and even that was not enough to bring him down. My entire inventory went down the drain just because I wanted to see if this shit is fixed in the remake. I should've bought a fucking rocket launcher. But if the bug was not changed in any meaningful way, Napoleon was remade entirely. And to that I can only say fuck. that. dwarf. This goddamn abomination who decided to cosplay main character from Carrion can go fuck itself in its eye. His attacks are not readable, his tentacles create a visual overlap, preventing you from shooting the face when it's open, and he jumps from one end of arena to another then torpedo slams your hangover ass while you beg Leon to go out of its way. Considering this boss in the original was proto meat wall, I expected capcom to place one of their now iconic meat-erpieces here and make me amazed by another eldritch horror they created but no. Jumping turd is all you get. Take it and get out of castle.
About island level I remember next to nothing. I remember the regenerator, lasers and that burning dude from oven. "Are they still here and as good as before?" For some bizarre reason, capcom decided to bring burning dude back, that's true. And it makes me even more sad after missing my turret boy. There are no lasers, because no fun allowed in this game. And the regenerator... eh, he works fine right until the moment you find out you can literally turn him off for ten seconds with a single knife-counter. I think his introduction was extremely poor because he just walks into a room with you but I think it's just because developers didn't know how to present him in a nice spotlight and be faithful to original at the same time. Also that find a wrench quest can kiss my ass. And as we got this out of the way pretty quick let my mind wonder a bit about treasure hunting. I think we could go a bit further with it. Both castle and village have those shrines we can open after like a half of an area later. Why not make it so we get the key from a merchant near the point of no return for that location and all those shrines contain a piece of a unique treasure. Hell, you can even make a little puzzle of how to assemble it. It would both diversify merchant quests a bit and give an incentive to backtrack the location to see how some rooms changed, because there ARE changes. Ah, what could have been.
But bosses. Man, my boy Krausers performance almost makes it worth suffering through this torment. He was almost silent in the original, but here he is the only pure, even cartoonishly evil character and acts like it. And even the fight with him in a concept should be amazing. After all, you must utilize all your knife experience and fight him with sharpened steel pieces mano a mano. You know why in concept? Because the goddamn knife degradation. I upgraded my knife all the way through and still somehow managed to get it broken right when I came to the last area. Tell me, capcom-san, why the fuck ultimate upgrade for a knife is a fucking attack speed increase? Who in their right mind would look at a weapon which can one-shot convulsing cultists on the floor and say "yeah, I wish I could slash the air faster". There is absolutely no scenario where you would use knife attack outside prompts because every single attack chips away at your durability. Why not make ultimate upgrade indestructible knife? Too powerful? Ok, make it so it regens its hp overtime. Because dumbasses like me will come at Krauser with a fork they found in a nearby wall and he'll just break it with his asscheeks. So yeah, my fight with Krauser came down to throwing my inventory at him and I didn't like that one bit. For fuck's sake, give me an indestructible knife just for that fight and lose it in a cutscene or something, come on. No complaints with Saddler boss-fight though, literally the same as before, nothing changed, and it was pretty ok in the original already. Although they placed their meat wall as his final form and it's... disheartening to see. A dragon ball with a couple of tentacles is extremely meh.
Yeah, I think this game would be a fine entry point for newcomers but I don't feel like it's the same but updated RE4. It's tonally different game with the same name. Capcom decided to let go of its original 2005 silliness in favour of the serious and sad people telling their sad and serious story. For some reason though, developers still tried to bring some of original bullshittery back only to get bitten by it in the ass. The only bright light in this sunless well is Luis and I wish there were more of him. But one can only wish.
Sprinkle a bit of uninspired voice acting and we get an example of how not to do remakes. Capcom took one game and stretched its skin over another, which feels exactly opposite of what should be. Please, don't remake RE5. The "boulder-punching asshole" was pretty awkward in RE8, I can't bear to witness how the company will embrace the memes this time.
And to think I lost my Revelations 3 with Rebecca to this pile of garbage. Pathetic.
So this is a game where you play as some dude named Leon, spec ops operator tasked with rescuing presidents daughter from the hands of evil spain people. Unfortunately, Leon arrives just in time for Barcelona Beer Festival, in which he was obligated to participate. I can not find another reason for our hero to move as awkward as he does in this game other than being absolutely shitfaced. You can only give him vague suggestion to where he should place his legs and hope for the best. Same with weapon handling. Looks like our star of the military academy was absent in all weapon handling lessons but passed the parrying-chainsaw-with-a-toothpick exam with flying colours. Maybe that's the reason of his hand tremor. Ah, yes, I also want to tell that managing inventory in this case is one of the most unresponsive experiences I've ever had. It's absolutely unbearable with a mouse pointer and infuriating with keyboard. How did this happen?
Capcoms race after "hyper-realistic movement" turned the game into an infuriating slog. No, capcom, waiting ten seconds for reticle to narrow down only works in RE2, where the battles were slow. I don't want to stop and scan some granny face while her husband is running at me with a pitchfork and their family dog is gnawing at my leg. No, capcom, shooting ranges do not work with this shooting mechanics because shooting down that one last skull at the far end of a range is just random, there is no fun.
After you arrive to the village and drop a pendant into a puddle of shit, you're getting acquainted with this locations mayor, Rasputin. He is a great dude and shows you how updated the boss fights in this game are. The boss is a great entry point to the game. He feels pretty fair, all his attacks can be dodged or blocked and he doesn't take much resources to deal with. After fighting him you move onwards to the castle with a smile on your face, after all, you can't wait to see how all other bosses were updated. And there's that statue-running sequence waiting ahead. But you feel like something is a bit wrong.
Once you get to the castle, you get it. Characters lost their charm. Yeah, the jokes and one-liners are still here, but their delivery is extremely lackluster. I see sassy writing spoken by brooding super serious dudes in uniform. It feels like your mom started to utilize memes in her everyday phrases. "But, well, the iconic scenes are still there, right? The bosses are now good, right? Right?" Let me tell you what I remembered from my old days. I remember how Leon shot the gramophone after being thrown down the pit and pulling a grappling hook out of his ass. I remember the red-robed dude in a minigun turret. I remember running from a giant statue. Are any of those scenes in the game? Well, Leon does shoot at a gramophone at one occasion. But there is no impact, Napoleon doesn't even react to it, it feels like "look player, our hero did that scene you remember! we cool, right?". Is there a turret guy? No, there is no turret guy. Well, at least the most iconic statue sequence is in the game, right? No. No, it is not. They even took our free rocket launcher.
"But what about the bosses?" You know what, dear reader, both Napoleon and his bug-buddy were two bosses where I always had a rocket launcher. For first because it was free and for second because it was too bothersome to fight it. That feeling didn't go away. The bug is easy but for some reason takes illegal amount of inventory to take down. I had a full case of hand grenades and found even more on-site and even that was not enough to bring him down. My entire inventory went down the drain just because I wanted to see if this shit is fixed in the remake. I should've bought a fucking rocket launcher. But if the bug was not changed in any meaningful way, Napoleon was remade entirely. And to that I can only say fuck. that. dwarf. This goddamn abomination who decided to cosplay main character from Carrion can go fuck itself in its eye. His attacks are not readable, his tentacles create a visual overlap, preventing you from shooting the face when it's open, and he jumps from one end of arena to another then torpedo slams your hangover ass while you beg Leon to go out of its way. Considering this boss in the original was proto meat wall, I expected capcom to place one of their now iconic meat-erpieces here and make me amazed by another eldritch horror they created but no. Jumping turd is all you get. Take it and get out of castle.
About island level I remember next to nothing. I remember the regenerator, lasers and that burning dude from oven. "Are they still here and as good as before?" For some bizarre reason, capcom decided to bring burning dude back, that's true. And it makes me even more sad after missing my turret boy. There are no lasers, because no fun allowed in this game. And the regenerator... eh, he works fine right until the moment you find out you can literally turn him off for ten seconds with a single knife-counter. I think his introduction was extremely poor because he just walks into a room with you but I think it's just because developers didn't know how to present him in a nice spotlight and be faithful to original at the same time. Also that find a wrench quest can kiss my ass. And as we got this out of the way pretty quick let my mind wonder a bit about treasure hunting. I think we could go a bit further with it. Both castle and village have those shrines we can open after like a half of an area later. Why not make it so we get the key from a merchant near the point of no return for that location and all those shrines contain a piece of a unique treasure. Hell, you can even make a little puzzle of how to assemble it. It would both diversify merchant quests a bit and give an incentive to backtrack the location to see how some rooms changed, because there ARE changes. Ah, what could have been.
But bosses. Man, my boy Krausers performance almost makes it worth suffering through this torment. He was almost silent in the original, but here he is the only pure, even cartoonishly evil character and acts like it. And even the fight with him in a concept should be amazing. After all, you must utilize all your knife experience and fight him with sharpened steel pieces mano a mano. You know why in concept? Because the goddamn knife degradation. I upgraded my knife all the way through and still somehow managed to get it broken right when I came to the last area. Tell me, capcom-san, why the fuck ultimate upgrade for a knife is a fucking attack speed increase? Who in their right mind would look at a weapon which can one-shot convulsing cultists on the floor and say "yeah, I wish I could slash the air faster". There is absolutely no scenario where you would use knife attack outside prompts because every single attack chips away at your durability. Why not make ultimate upgrade indestructible knife? Too powerful? Ok, make it so it regens its hp overtime. Because dumbasses like me will come at Krauser with a fork they found in a nearby wall and he'll just break it with his asscheeks. So yeah, my fight with Krauser came down to throwing my inventory at him and I didn't like that one bit. For fuck's sake, give me an indestructible knife just for that fight and lose it in a cutscene or something, come on. No complaints with Saddler boss-fight though, literally the same as before, nothing changed, and it was pretty ok in the original already. Although they placed their meat wall as his final form and it's... disheartening to see. A dragon ball with a couple of tentacles is extremely meh.
Yeah, I think this game would be a fine entry point for newcomers but I don't feel like it's the same but updated RE4. It's tonally different game with the same name. Capcom decided to let go of its original 2005 silliness in favour of the serious and sad people telling their sad and serious story. For some reason though, developers still tried to bring some of original bullshittery back only to get bitten by it in the ass. The only bright light in this sunless well is Luis and I wish there were more of him. But one can only wish.
Sprinkle a bit of uninspired voice acting and we get an example of how not to do remakes. Capcom took one game and stretched its skin over another, which feels exactly opposite of what should be. Please, don't remake RE5. The "boulder-punching asshole" was pretty awkward in RE8, I can't bear to witness how the company will embrace the memes this time.
And to think I lost my Revelations 3 with Rebecca to this pile of garbage. Pathetic.