This review contains spoilers
You've just finished watching a hilarious YouTube video on this garbage 3D platformer from Square Enix. Balan somethingorother. Those dancing scenes are so funny! What a silly game.
Days, weeks, months, years, go by, and you idly think back to that Balan game. "I wonder if it's really that bad," you think, "I'll play it ironically, it'll be fun!" In this moment, you are entangled in Balan's sickening game. Your fate is sealed. You don't even know it.
Finally, you come across a copy of this game, for a cool 5 dollars. It's not even been opened. "Well, how could I resist at a price like this" you joke to the cashier. The saddened gleam in their eye is your final warning, but your morbid curiosity is a blindfold to the horrors that await you in this wonderless world.
Finally, you open the game. Sickeningly sweet strings blast your ears. The Mario Odyssey temp music feels unending. Your stomach drops, as you stare into the abyss of the character select screen. Exactly 8 options, all deeply perturbing MySims characters with distractingly large hands. All effortlessly rest within the uncanny valley. Your fight-or-flight instincts kick in, but Balan's hooks are not so easily removed. You persevere.
Does an opening cutscene play? You can't quite recall. You attempt to try out your character, but every button seems to do the same thing. The levels make no sense. There are so many coloured collectables, with no indication of their difference or use. Why are those plant people dancing? Why are the item keys located directly next to the item they're needed for? Is it the same QuickTime event every time?
Before you can even begin to form your questions properly, it begins. Chapter One, Act Two. The floor itself begins to fold and twist beneath your disgusting Miitopia creation's feet. The tooth-achingly bright colours become daggers, plunged directly into your eyes. The game has finally launched its attack.
You can feel the fabric of your being, the very essence of you, drain away with every second the game remains on. It's not funny, it's not silly, it's not even embarrassing. It's a new evolution in boredom, one wherein physical pain does not even alleviate the experience.
You wake with a start, head throbbing with pain. Is that coral? That fucking song keeps playing. Just looking at the screen is almost too much to bear. You don't even dare imagine what would happen if you had to tangle with the godforsaken controls again.
You eject the disc and promptly trade the game back into your nearest retailer for any amount of money they will offer you. You begin to breathe again, comfortable only in the knowledge that your nightmare is over.
But Balan lays in rest at the shop. Now sporting an even lower 'secondhand' price. Ready to strike his next victim.
You cannot beat Balan Wonderland. You can only hope to survive.
Days, weeks, months, years, go by, and you idly think back to that Balan game. "I wonder if it's really that bad," you think, "I'll play it ironically, it'll be fun!" In this moment, you are entangled in Balan's sickening game. Your fate is sealed. You don't even know it.
Finally, you come across a copy of this game, for a cool 5 dollars. It's not even been opened. "Well, how could I resist at a price like this" you joke to the cashier. The saddened gleam in their eye is your final warning, but your morbid curiosity is a blindfold to the horrors that await you in this wonderless world.
Finally, you open the game. Sickeningly sweet strings blast your ears. The Mario Odyssey temp music feels unending. Your stomach drops, as you stare into the abyss of the character select screen. Exactly 8 options, all deeply perturbing MySims characters with distractingly large hands. All effortlessly rest within the uncanny valley. Your fight-or-flight instincts kick in, but Balan's hooks are not so easily removed. You persevere.
Does an opening cutscene play? You can't quite recall. You attempt to try out your character, but every button seems to do the same thing. The levels make no sense. There are so many coloured collectables, with no indication of their difference or use. Why are those plant people dancing? Why are the item keys located directly next to the item they're needed for? Is it the same QuickTime event every time?
Before you can even begin to form your questions properly, it begins. Chapter One, Act Two. The floor itself begins to fold and twist beneath your disgusting Miitopia creation's feet. The tooth-achingly bright colours become daggers, plunged directly into your eyes. The game has finally launched its attack.
You can feel the fabric of your being, the very essence of you, drain away with every second the game remains on. It's not funny, it's not silly, it's not even embarrassing. It's a new evolution in boredom, one wherein physical pain does not even alleviate the experience.
You wake with a start, head throbbing with pain. Is that coral? That fucking song keeps playing. Just looking at the screen is almost too much to bear. You don't even dare imagine what would happen if you had to tangle with the godforsaken controls again.
You eject the disc and promptly trade the game back into your nearest retailer for any amount of money they will offer you. You begin to breathe again, comfortable only in the knowledge that your nightmare is over.
But Balan lays in rest at the shop. Now sporting an even lower 'secondhand' price. Ready to strike his next victim.
You cannot beat Balan Wonderland. You can only hope to survive.