This review contains spoilers
I have played approximately one half of the laboriously boy-filled two-part Hakuoki (so many boys they needed two game cards!!!!)
…the boys so far…
Hijikata - his cologne, Default Love Interest, can be detected at twenty paces. It was a noble effort on the part of the writers to make him appear to love anything other than the Shinsengumi, especially the protagonist, but. We all know that’s a lie. No one has ever been more married to a job than this angry vampire man. Points for a poetic ending and his really hot-sounding voice actor. 7/10
Okita - he’s voiced by Impey Barbicane so how are you NOT going to like him? I enjoy that he is a big dumb picky-eater manchild. He has Victorian Wasting Disease AND becomes a Hot Sad Vampire which seems sort of like an unfair advantage tbh. 8/10
Saito - basically Hijikata Lite. Really boring imho, except for the part where the protagonist gets a cold. He’s somehow even more obsessed with being a stoic ice queen than Hijikata. If you’re the kind of masochist who sticks your tongue on icy playground equipment, he is the boy for you. 5/10
Heisuke - cute I guess?? Sort of feral. Gives you some more insight into some plot points. Do you enjoy discussing the philosophical merits of switching sides a lot? If that is sexy to you, oh boy. Y’all team up with the main villain randomly after the one female friend yells at said villain and tells him to stop stalking the protagonist so that’s pretty good. At least he’s fucking age appropriate jfc 6/10
Harada - DAMN. OKAY. my girl Chizuru finally goes all the way. About time. He’s entirely sane, exceptionally hot, has a big spear, and his biggest goal in life is: make wife happy. Decidedly, refreshingly, NOT a vampire. Instead of being an angsty undead samurai he gets drunk and his best friend draws a face on his botched seppuku scar. That’s not a joke that’s actually what happens. Most of the tension in his route is slow burn UST, and wooooofda. Good job girl. Now that’s what I call a husband. NSFW/10
Nagakura - the first half of his route is really cute and good and his voice actor has a VERY SEXY LAUGH. Got my hopes up. Unfortunately nothing much happens in part two except some uninspired moping. He calls you little sister a lot which is not uncomfortable or weird at all. One random and pretty boring kiss??????? I am disappoint. He is still extremely hot. I want to go drinking with this guy. 6/10
Kondou - Not an actual romance option. 11/10 would choose again
…the boys so far…
Hijikata - his cologne, Default Love Interest, can be detected at twenty paces. It was a noble effort on the part of the writers to make him appear to love anything other than the Shinsengumi, especially the protagonist, but. We all know that’s a lie. No one has ever been more married to a job than this angry vampire man. Points for a poetic ending and his really hot-sounding voice actor. 7/10
Okita - he’s voiced by Impey Barbicane so how are you NOT going to like him? I enjoy that he is a big dumb picky-eater manchild. He has Victorian Wasting Disease AND becomes a Hot Sad Vampire which seems sort of like an unfair advantage tbh. 8/10
Saito - basically Hijikata Lite. Really boring imho, except for the part where the protagonist gets a cold. He’s somehow even more obsessed with being a stoic ice queen than Hijikata. If you’re the kind of masochist who sticks your tongue on icy playground equipment, he is the boy for you. 5/10
Heisuke - cute I guess?? Sort of feral. Gives you some more insight into some plot points. Do you enjoy discussing the philosophical merits of switching sides a lot? If that is sexy to you, oh boy. Y’all team up with the main villain randomly after the one female friend yells at said villain and tells him to stop stalking the protagonist so that’s pretty good. At least he’s fucking age appropriate jfc 6/10
Harada - DAMN. OKAY. my girl Chizuru finally goes all the way. About time. He’s entirely sane, exceptionally hot, has a big spear, and his biggest goal in life is: make wife happy. Decidedly, refreshingly, NOT a vampire. Instead of being an angsty undead samurai he gets drunk and his best friend draws a face on his botched seppuku scar. That’s not a joke that’s actually what happens. Most of the tension in his route is slow burn UST, and wooooofda. Good job girl. Now that’s what I call a husband. NSFW/10
Nagakura - the first half of his route is really cute and good and his voice actor has a VERY SEXY LAUGH. Got my hopes up. Unfortunately nothing much happens in part two except some uninspired moping. He calls you little sister a lot which is not uncomfortable or weird at all. One random and pretty boring kiss??????? I am disappoint. He is still extremely hot. I want to go drinking with this guy. 6/10
Kondou - Not an actual romance option. 11/10 would choose again