"This is definitely one of the games ever made. Beautiful drab brown environments. Amazing dudes with knifes as enemy and boss designs. Like reading air freshener ingredients in the toilet." - That was young and naïve me who still had a spark in his eyes and just finished the game for the first time in feburary 2023.

But as I am today writing this in may 2023, rugged and depressed, having tasted the entirety of the content this full-course meal made of shit has to offer, I'm telling you this. Why in the sake of the fuck couldn't they make a simple game you can sit down and simply enjoy with your buddies?

Here's how it went. We started the game and ventured out into the city. Cool, we thought, orange gamma, looks post-apocalypse-y, you can throw yourself out of the window from third store, good fun. Then we went into the next area. Same orange gamma, same buildings, same amount of cars at the end. "Wait, is this game procedurally generated?" I said. "Nah, dude, developers are just incompetent monkeys and didn't give a fuck about level design" replied my buddy. We laughed it off and continued on. But the thought that something is off did not leave me until we finished the game. I mean, why loading screens constantly told me how to enter sniper zoom if there is only one sniper rifle in the entire game? Why is there two and a half armor sets that all look like something from a fashion magazine for hobos? I started my investigation. I looked far and wide, and the revelation hit me like a brick.

Lets talk a bit about what random generation means. It means that you could have a perfect campaign filled with all those hand-crafted experiences and cool weapons and armor. Or it means you could hit dogshit RNG and all you get is a cum-drenched rag as armor and a couple of half cooked wet noodles as a weapon. And all the bosses you get are just B E E G versions of the same enemies you fought for five hours already. Try to guess on which end of the spectre did we end up. You know what? It took us more than thirty bloody hours dancing around a bonfire to get the stars to align so that we could get elf-parasite-queen set on swamps. Thirty hours for one fucking ring for 4% more damage with unarmed attacks. I hate myself.

**

Next I'll divide the text in two parts. First, my take on all the content the game has. Second, our quotes from our first playthrough as three joyous prancing little boys.

Let's talk weapons.
Opinion of tired me about what the game has to offer: the only weapons not making me want to vomit design-wise are beam rifle, default sniper rifle, winchester and revolver. Three out of these four are located in first area. All weapons are just brown blobs of polygons not creating any theme. There are no sexy ridges or anything your eye could catch. It's unbelievable how consistent these designers in producing shit. Are they warframe refugees or something? I refuse to believe someone finds these beginner artstation designs eye-pleasing. I won't even touch melee weapons because you won't use them anyway. And I'm saying it as a melee build who slashed his way forward without any resistance or impact or any joy for at least thirty hours. Sorry, forgot to mention the crossbow shooting literal rails which cause bleeding. That was hilarious.

Joyous boys quotes:
"Goddamn dude why is every single weapon we get is garbage? It either looks like shit, or fires like shit. The only cool thing apart from starter winchester is an SMG-Flammenwerfer. We're already near the final boss, why didn't we get something cool and not rusted over?"
"Dunno, I'm running with railgun and starting SMG which shreds everything, the weapon variety overall is pretty ok, I just don't feel like it's worth changing. The melee is absolutely useless though."
"The sniper rifle is pretty cool, especially with a 4x crit ring. Some smgs are acceptable, melee is shit. No idea why it's even in there. I mean, yeah, you could build a melee boy, but what's the point with such boring attack animations? The skills you can insert are okayish, diverse enough at least."

Let's talk bosses.
Opinion of tired me about what the game has to offer: shit, garbage and disappointment. If you played the game already, I'll let you try to remember how many bosses here were presented without a horde of trash mobs constantly spawning in arena before I'll give you an answer. Five. And four of these are from dlc and two of these are already 2v1 fights by default. Almost all bosses are literally common enemy but big. I have no idea what's the point of making those especially if your fucking excuse of a game is procedurally generated. Why did you not remove those placeholders as bosses and focus on creating a nice linear journey with unique bosses instead like in dark souls which you, developer bastards love so much? Ah, but of course, the reason of this is because "we are different from dark souls". Eat my ass. Also thank God Almighty for slapping you on the head and giving you an idea of Leto's armor, which breaks every insufferable boss encounter and is located in the first area. Truly an intervention of forces from above.

Joyous boys quotes:
"Wow, cool, another L A R G E common enemy. We completed the game and the best boss is that one dude who was running around and farting and then his pathfinding broke down and he just stood there until we killed him."
"It's cool that some bosses have gimmicks like those beetles where you can summon the second one early but with less hp. The overall boss design is dogshit."
"The bosses are pretty meh as a souls-like, honestly. I don't remember anything hard or interesting. Although I liked those two flying moth girls, they were fine. Also have you nothing else to do other than asking me that?"

Let's talk locations.
Opinion of tired me about what the game has to offer: have you seen any screenshots? Can you imagine walking through the SAME corridors for eighty plus hours? What is the reason in creating one single corridor and then copying it with another name? Were you lazy? Incompetent? You can tell me, I wont blame you. I just want to know why every single location looks as a creative wasteland. There's your standard city, standard forest, standard snow forest, standard brown swamp. I felt like those decorations siphoned away my ability of art appreciation. And there are fucking quake levels in a desert, que mierda?

Joyous boys quotes:
"Ok, so there is a skill that lets you throw yourself out of the window faster and the only location with windows was earth. What the fuck, game? Ok, even if those locations are randomly generated, you could at least make more than three bloody corridors. Goddamn I hate it. I won't even speak about fucking swamp and desert biomes. The only one left for a shit bingo is sewers. Wait, there are caves in swamp area. Yay, we got a bingo! And in the end we'll get another extremely disappointing boss or another ring for AIDS status application while vomiting +0.5%."
"Pretty much, yeah, the city is cool though. I also liked the forest. Well, that hanged city area."
"There's just too little things to populate areas with. I have no focal point in my memory. It's just blandness all around."

**

Story is nonexistent but the game has those random lore dumps in loading screens which most likely were written by Timothy Dexter. The one particular world-building phrase broke me. It was "Folks don't believe it, but they once used this stuff to make tanks that fly." Now tell me, dear game. Why did people forget how helicopters are called but remembered tanks? Why are there "assault rifle" or "chiсago typewriter" weapons? Why only helicopters were wiped from mankind's memory? Oi, developer cucks, do you have a childhood trauma regarding helicopters? Did they do something bad to you? Show me on this doll where did they touch you.

Ah, yes, I forgot that there is a survival mode. Well, making a rogue-like mode without any way to put the game down and continue another day is definitely a game-development thing. Especially considering one run could last for five motherfucking hours. Or you could just get a vermintide biome in a first wave and call it a day because every goddamn boss there is bloody broken. Great job, game. I also want to tell grandma selling estus burgers to suck my dick for refusing to speak with me and leaving me with four burgers and a hundred heal bottles for the rest of the game.

Fuck this game and fuck you, dear defensive reader, for loving it.

If you read through all that wall of text I want you to know that you are amazing and deserve to be loved. Unlike this monstrous abortion survivor of a game.

Can't wait for a second one! 👍

You are the member of the Action Squad. It is you who are called when the ordinary SWAT can't handle the pressure of the situation. It is you who are coming to clean their shit and wash their pants. Your weapons are always ready. Doors will not hold you. Hostages will not stop you. Bombs do not scare you. You are the Justice and you are the Law.

Overall, great fun with tons of possible loadouts and fuckups. Did your buddy playing Breacher disintegrated a room with a hostage in it while you were trying to get those three stars? Did you absolutely accidentally fed a granny your boot and she died of testosterone poisoning? Oh well, here we go killing again.

The music is great, visuals are pleasing, considering this whole game is around 63MB its amazing there are even details on the background at all. Yeah, gameplay gets pretty repetitive near the end but then you get to the DLC and it introduces ways of playing you never thought before, new enemies and even bosses.

Great. Just great. Don't forget to only play in co-op. And Assaulter sucks.

"Hey, Trigger, you dumbass. Tell me something. What color's the sky up there?"

Proceed to breakdown and cry again even two years later

Will undoubtedly revisit this game again in the future. Just after I stop randomly tearing up remembering it.

Unofficial Earth Defense Force spin-off telling the story of government-employed ninja who fight primal worms trying to take over the world.

I had two issues with this game not counting that you have to manually unlock FPS every time you start it. First, there was no controller support for me at all. Surprisingly, the game runs absolutely fine on keyboard and mouse giving me no issues with it whatsoever. Second, random crashes after cutscenes. I have no idea why but it just happens. Anyway, that were all technical difficulties I remembered. Now, to game.

No, you don't have to only use heavy sword to fight enemies. I personally had more fun using double swords and found they dealt same amount of damage but with more style points. I'm sure the same could be said about ordinary katana but its moveset is too boring for me to be used. To my amazement I didn't feel like the gameplay was dragging for too long and the game was over before I started complaining. Alas, the bosses get reused near the end making you feel cheated of another over-the-top spectacle that could have been. Also timed ant-lion boss fight that does not work due to bombs not registering explosion when they are right inside his model (actually now that I think about it, it could be that the boss just has too much health for fun battle) can suck my telescopic ninja sword. And for some reason couple of snail helicopters just stopped in midair doing nothing mid fight. But I just assumed that snails piloting helicopters are not entirely the smartest and moved on with my fun. Ah, yes, turret sections are... there. It's definitely a thing that exists there.

Visuals are as varied as ubisoft's open worlds. You always will be fighting in some sort of grey box with only difference being visible skybox. Even level on a plane is just a grey box moving through the air. Seeing such masterfully crafted locations as grey box, grey box under ground, grey box that resembles mall and other variations of grey boxes makes you feel like you died and reincarnated in 2007 cover based shooter.

Even though this game was most likely slapped together in a week I had a lot of fun. Quick time events are constant, yeah, but they are anything but hard. Direction of cutscenes is still amazing and combat doesn't get in the way of enjoyment. I think I would like another game like this today but with actual level design. God bless Keiichiro Ogawa.

Co-op, friendly fire and instant replay. That means at least one of my five hours was spent on reenacting wild west duels with my buddy after one of us accidentally shot another.

Pretty simple fun. Alas, in second half of the game rooms become so large you don't even see enemies and that made us sad. Would be great if there were not only hostage/bomb missions but also clearing one, because there is no place for your new shotgun to shine. Although, that wouldn't be "Police" stories anymore, would it?

In short: friend = fun, no friend = sad.

I cannot believe someone willingly gave Cage money for his next project after this. I cannot believe I'm asking, begging even, to make David put LESS gameplay into his games.

Lucas, our main boy, wakes up in a restaurant bathroom after just killing a man while he was possessed by some shady dude. Police arrives and Lucas has to run, making this the start point of our investigation. Who was that dude? How was Lucas possessed? Why him? What's next?

Well. That was a two-thousand year-old mayan priest trying to find a kid that has the secret to everything. Lucas was possessed with the power of ancient mayan ritual because he won possessing lottery. Nothing. I'm absolutely not sorry for spoilers by the way, fuck Cage and fuck you if you unironically love this game.

So now we are in the story about supernatural cults trying to conquer the world. Turns out, Lucas was supposed to die right after murder because everyone who did it in the past went mad and killed himself. But Lucas didn't. Why, you may ask. Midichlorians. That's literally the answer our uncaged storyteller gives us. Bloody midichlorians. And now, because Lucas knows he has them, he can fly, kill people with his mind, dodge bullets, and do anything else that could come to batshit insane mind of David Cage. A little bit later in the plot a sentient AI appears from author's ass to... ... ... look, it appears to give us third ending, okay? So, we find the prodigal kid, and all three powers gather for one last final battle to learn the secret of the universe.

Obviously Lucas destroys everyone with his huge midichlorianic balls and absolutely fucking nothing happens. The end.

Obviously evil cult kills everyone with the power of two thousand year-old priest-ness-y and absolutely fucking nothing happens. The end.

Obviously a sentient AI made from pure energy easily kills everyone and humanity fucking dies. The end.

Considering this was David's first experience with movie-as-a-game genre, let's see what he has for us in gameplay department. Three difficulties, wow. First being the literal movie and the third being fucking exhausting. Just so you know, the game has five minutes long QTE sequences where one mistake can send you to the start. And the timing is everything but generous. I'm talking about hard, of course. Stealth segments are absolutely retarded where you can't believe anything you see until you tried and errored your way through. And the dialogue options locking other dialogue options making you wonder what the bloody hell is going on here are making me hollow.

Do not under any circumstances touch this abomination. Even with a three meter stick.

By the way, the remaster you're offered is a disgrace. It's basically an emulator on a disc with the PS2 game. Thanks for nothing, David.