The fucking whiplash I experienced upon playing this supposed "classic" with an average rating of 3.5/5 on this supposed "website of people who know more than average about games" only to experience almost definitely the worst sixth generation AAA game I have ever touched should be enough to qualify me for a lawsuit of personal damages. I entered this game straight out of S3&K and SCD, really enjoying my time and not knowing much about this title other than the fact that it was a game people genuinely play and recommend, and a slight knowledge of Sonic having an "awkward transition to 3D". Sure, that's one way to say it.

Now, for fairness, and for my integrity as a "person who somewhat unironically writes game reviews on a game review site", I will now soberly rate each separate campaign individually using an independently verified rating system that objectively quantifies the qualities of this piece of media.

Sonic: ★☆☆☆☆
Tails: ★☆☆☆☆
Knuckles: ★☆☆☆☆
Amy: ★☆☆☆☆
Big: ★☆☆☆☆
Gamma: ★☆☆☆☆
Super SONIC!!: ★★★★★ HOLY SHIT THAT'S EPI-

Just kidding. I can't even joke about ironically liking any part of this. It's all dogshit. It's pure shit man. The music, graphics, and the fact that I can drown Sonic the Hedgehog when it all becomes too much to bear are the only reasons I am even awarding this stars at all. It's just so shit. This game is embarrassing. Sega should have been embarrassed to sell this for real money. Sonic fans should be embarrassed that it exists. If you've ever spoken about this game and not immediately clarified the fact that, by the way, it's shit, you should be personally and privately embarrassed. If I worked on this game, I wouldn't put it on my resumé. I'd ask to not be credited. It controls like ass, the story is utterly pointless, the hubs, the levels, the design - all shit. Somehow, despite the Dreamcast having what we in the bizz (I am not in the bizz) like to call "good grafix" - it kinda looks like shit too. Animations in this game feel like they were made by people who had absolutely no control over their software.

There's literally no game. Lord help me, they forgot what a game was. Sonic The Fucking Hedgehog, Gaming Mascot, has a campaign that is mostly focused on wrangling control back from the demon that will inhabit your controller the moment you launch Sonic Adventure. Tails' campaign is literally about skipping the levels. Knuckles bravely asks the question - "what if Super Mario 64 stars were nothing at all?". What does Amy Rose bring to the table? Oh she's... slow and has no powers. Genius. Even the Sacred Fishing Minigame, a constant in all our lives as a safe space to at least chill in any videogame that has one, is just so, so bad. Gamma's entire campaign is just holding forward and spamming shoot. I'm mad about it. I smile, but I'm mad.

I've played at least 6 more coherent flash games made by teenagers on Newgrounds. "That's not very constructive criticism" - this game is not very constructive to gaming as a whole. Every time I want to convince some boomer that video games can exist as an art form, I have to now add the asterisk that Sonic Adventure also exists. Fuck you, Sonic the Hedgehog, and fuck you, Knuckles the Echidna, and fuck all the rest of those little technicolor creatures too

There's no excuse. In 1998 when this came out Crash was on its second sequel. Mario 64 had been on the shelves for two years. Spyro was out. People were playing Half-Life and Fallout 2. Sega, with their size and budget, should not be putting out this garbage. It's honestly astonishing that the series survived this, but to its credit at least the Dreamcast didn't. If my parents got me this instead of a PlayStation I would assume they hated my ass and ran away from home. "Yes okay it's shit but the music is good" - the rallying cry of Sonic fans across the globe. I do not care. Buy a CD. Buy a Sonic CD, or buy Sonic CD. Sonic Adventure 2 will save me. It has to. Save me Sonic Adventure 2

If you, yes you reading this, the person, rate this game to be above average, do me a favor and kill us both.

"Sonic adventure is a testament on why sometimes giving up is better than trying" - my friend, my beloved brother, Wikwi, on the status of Sonic Adventure as a videogame