There's nothing more synonymous with the 16-bit era of consoles than no-name platformers. These things were EVERYWHERE back then. You couldn't walk outside without tripping over 50 fuckin' side-scroller cartridges. One of the worst ones I've ever laid eyes on was Milon's Secret Castle - or should I say, Milon's Shitty Asshole. Saying I was surprised when I found out that somebody at Hudson Soft got that trash a sequel is the understatement of the century. I'm not one to say a game is bad without playing it though, so let's pop this in the old SNES.
The game opens with this cutscene of Milon and this fairy, and an explosion and... yeah, I don't know what's happening. Luckily, there's dialogue after to tell us that the fairy was stolen by an evil wizard. Right off the bat, this game just looks way better than the first. Obviously, it's on better hardware, but the art direction is way more colorful and distinct too. And when you start that first level... ooo! That music is catchy as hell. The SNES soundchip wasn't the greatest, but you could pull off some crazy stuff if you knew what you were doing and this person definitely did. Shockingly, the controls in Doremi Fantasy don't feel like total dogshit. You have the same stupid bubbles from the last game, but they have a bit more animation and I didn't have any trouble aiming them accurately. This first world is kind of easy, it's whatever. At the end of each world you unlock a new instrument in one of the dialogue cutscenes with the cool UI and then play a bossfight. This first one is nothing. I'll talk about the rest of them in a bit, trust me.
In the second world, we run into this game's biggest problem. The levels are sorta non-linear and you have to explore them to find stars to unlock the powers of your instruments. The stars are usually guarded by a bit of platforming or enemies to kill. Simple enough. The problem arises in the block-breaking mechanic. You have to break blocks with your bubbles in this game to get anywhere. The game remembers which blocks you broke when you leave a screen, like how other platformers remember what enemies you killed. In this game where you'll have to walk back and forth through bits of levels, they opted to remember what blocks you broke INSTEAD of what enemies you killed. These fuckers respawn constantly and get in your way. Imagine if, say, Ninja Gaiden forced you to re-traverse through parts of levels you already played for some dumb fucking collectible. I'd rather take Ryu's sword up the ass while Milon shoves his bubble wand up my dick. Ugh. What were they thinking?
I guess eventually I did learn to be more careful. Being "more careful" won't help you with these bosses, though. Don't trust how cute they look; they are the biggest dickheads imaginable. A bunch of them throw out these multi-step moves as their basic attacks while you try and jump and blow bubbles into their faces. Maybe I wouldn't have to fight them for so long if Milon used anything except, oh, I don't know, fucking BUBBLES. And it's like the pain never ends! Because after you finally clear a bossfight, you're onto another world with stupider and stupider gimmicks. Whose idea was it to make an entire world out of ice physics? Don't even get me started on this snowboarding stage. Why the FUCK do the platforms keep flickering out of existence when I get too close to them? I feel like I'm having my spinal fluid sucked out through my anus.
This game is so deceptive. It really seems like you're in for an experience that would make up for the first game. And while it's not as bad, it's still an infuriating and unsatisfying pile of slop. I have no patience left for this bubble-blowing bitch. Hudson Soft? More like Hudson Sucks Massive Dick.
(in all seriousness, this game is... fine? the art and music super rock. the bossfights super don't, and that awesome music is both reused in too many levels and looped too many times therein. this is a 4-6 hour game with a 20 minute soundtrack to its name. the level design by world 5 sort of drove me insane, but i don't like any 2d platformers that aren't donkey kong country. take my complains with a grain of salt. i still recommend doremi fantasy to anyone who's better than me at 90s platformers, cuz i think the mechanics, music, graphics, and general creativity are at least as good as super mario world's.)
The game opens with this cutscene of Milon and this fairy, and an explosion and... yeah, I don't know what's happening. Luckily, there's dialogue after to tell us that the fairy was stolen by an evil wizard. Right off the bat, this game just looks way better than the first. Obviously, it's on better hardware, but the art direction is way more colorful and distinct too. And when you start that first level... ooo! That music is catchy as hell. The SNES soundchip wasn't the greatest, but you could pull off some crazy stuff if you knew what you were doing and this person definitely did. Shockingly, the controls in Doremi Fantasy don't feel like total dogshit. You have the same stupid bubbles from the last game, but they have a bit more animation and I didn't have any trouble aiming them accurately. This first world is kind of easy, it's whatever. At the end of each world you unlock a new instrument in one of the dialogue cutscenes with the cool UI and then play a bossfight. This first one is nothing. I'll talk about the rest of them in a bit, trust me.
In the second world, we run into this game's biggest problem. The levels are sorta non-linear and you have to explore them to find stars to unlock the powers of your instruments. The stars are usually guarded by a bit of platforming or enemies to kill. Simple enough. The problem arises in the block-breaking mechanic. You have to break blocks with your bubbles in this game to get anywhere. The game remembers which blocks you broke when you leave a screen, like how other platformers remember what enemies you killed. In this game where you'll have to walk back and forth through bits of levels, they opted to remember what blocks you broke INSTEAD of what enemies you killed. These fuckers respawn constantly and get in your way. Imagine if, say, Ninja Gaiden forced you to re-traverse through parts of levels you already played for some dumb fucking collectible. I'd rather take Ryu's sword up the ass while Milon shoves his bubble wand up my dick. Ugh. What were they thinking?
I guess eventually I did learn to be more careful. Being "more careful" won't help you with these bosses, though. Don't trust how cute they look; they are the biggest dickheads imaginable. A bunch of them throw out these multi-step moves as their basic attacks while you try and jump and blow bubbles into their faces. Maybe I wouldn't have to fight them for so long if Milon used anything except, oh, I don't know, fucking BUBBLES. And it's like the pain never ends! Because after you finally clear a bossfight, you're onto another world with stupider and stupider gimmicks. Whose idea was it to make an entire world out of ice physics? Don't even get me started on this snowboarding stage. Why the FUCK do the platforms keep flickering out of existence when I get too close to them? I feel like I'm having my spinal fluid sucked out through my anus.
This game is so deceptive. It really seems like you're in for an experience that would make up for the first game. And while it's not as bad, it's still an infuriating and unsatisfying pile of slop. I have no patience left for this bubble-blowing bitch. Hudson Soft? More like Hudson Sucks Massive Dick.
(in all seriousness, this game is... fine? the art and music super rock. the bossfights super don't, and that awesome music is both reused in too many levels and looped too many times therein. this is a 4-6 hour game with a 20 minute soundtrack to its name. the level design by world 5 sort of drove me insane, but i don't like any 2d platformers that aren't donkey kong country. take my complains with a grain of salt. i still recommend doremi fantasy to anyone who's better than me at 90s platformers, cuz i think the mechanics, music, graphics, and general creativity are at least as good as super mario world's.)
princess_luna
29 days ago