zeusdeegoose
This review contains spoilers
No joke this time, I just want to highlight this motherfucker named Kanna. I want to know who at Inti Creates decided to give this girl a whole ass DLC minigame, half a year after release, JUST for herself, and it's like, 5 minutes, too. I know, the funny plant girl, but JEEBERS. Damn, when’s the Kanna’s Downfall DLC for Blaster Master Zero III, turning Zero III into Devil May Cry?
Blaster Master Zero is one of my favorite games of all time. So naturally, Zero II should follow. And… yeah. It's peak. Shocker. I mean, I already said that Zero 1 was “a 10/10 in my heart”, and I then followed that up by saying that Zero I was “truly the worst the [Zero] series has to offer”, so it's no shock that I find Zero II and Zero III more appealing by default. So, I could just end the review there. Zero II is a great follow-up to Zero I, and expands on its gameplay greatly. But, no! Because Blaster Master Zero II, is really, REALLY GOOD. Shockingly so. This was one of my favorite games ever, the 5th spot on my list of GOATed favorites. It's stayed pretty stagnant since Zero III forced it out of the Top 5 slot, but Zero II is still definitely up there in terms of my favorites. But I will say, I honestly forgot about what made Zero II so great. I hadn’t played it in a long while, so I decided to do so for this review, and man. Once I heard the music again, got into the groove of it all, that was it for me. Because I knew Zero II would be near perfection. Not the perfect game (i can name a few of those), but the perfect game to me. And, a perfect game with no major version differences. Like Zero II, the game is the same across platforms, you just need to buy the DLC. Hooray! So, what say you? Here's my review of BLASTER MASTER ZERO II!
A few months after the True Ending of Blaster Master Zero I, after Jason, the young scientist, saved Eve, the support droid for Sophia III, from the Mutant Core, the two live in harmony. While Sophia III was left to die with the Mutant Core, Sophia Zero manages to come out unscathed. Eve however, does not. In Blaster Master Zero I, Eve’s body was taken over by the Mutant Core, altering her appearance to be incredibly veiny. Although everything seemed okay after the fact, Eve would begin to undergo what I'll dub her “Corruption”, where the mutant cells began to overtake her body. This radically changes her appearance from a sweet, innocuous girl, to a half-mutant, with only a bloody tear to convey her pain. Also, cats. Both figuratively, and literally, because yeah, Eve got a breast implant. I’ll chalk it up to her “Corruption”, but the comments about her being a Mutant [SPOILERS] in Zero III? Yeah, can’t blame ‘em if you’re picking up what I’m putting down. BUT ANYWAYS... This sends Jason into a panic, as he attempts to save Eve once more. He attempts to find a cure for Eve’s mutation on Earth, but fails to find one. So, with the creation of Gaia-Sophia, born from the parts of Sophia Zero, now with the possibility of space travel, the trio blast off into space, not knowing where to go or what to do next. But, not before showing Eve trembling, sweating, almost looking half-dead. It’s a thrilling note to start the game on, and tells the player if that the mission fails, Eve is pretty much dead. I really like how they portray this in the main quest and promo material, too. Following the release of most Inti Creates games, they release some free to download wallpapers, and Zero I is no different. But in these promo materials, Inti was like, “uhhhh so like what if we made a sequel to this game????” So then with each release of a wallpaper, a part of Eve’s skin turns increasingly green. So yeah, if you thought Inti was fucking around, you'd better think twice, because Zero II would be beloved within the community. Also, in the game’s story, Eve will often go under without prior warning, providing that greater sense of urgency for the player, really pushing them to act fast, lest the worst possible outcome were to occur. So yeah, hop on your tank, and lets go!
When it comes to the Tank gameplay, there aren’t many changes overall, which is great, because it barely needed any change, because Zero I had already perfected the formula. The main change is the “Gaia System”, which allows you to recover some SP after falling, or taking damage. Otherwise, it’s largely the same. To be honest, I really did not care about the Gaia system. It’s not intrusive at all, but I never found that it added to exploration. It was nice when I needed to recover some SP, but other than that, it’s largely disposable in my eyes. Although, they do something neat with it in the final boss, but yeah. Not a game changer, but an acceptable addition overall. I think they tried to use it as a sort of comeback mechanic, because in Zero II, you no longer regenerate SP, so maybe they tried to negate camping strategies? I'm not really sure, to be honest. Other than that, Gaia Sophia is basically the same. But, that's totally okay. Because Sophia III kicked ass in the first game, and continues to do so here with Gaia Sophia. So Gaia Sophia is a success here. But what about the worlds you traverse in?
Arguably the best improvement in Zero II is the phenomenal level design. Zero I had good level design that lacked focus, but Zero II’s level design is extremely concentrated and fast paced. There is not a single dull moment in Zero II. Everything is always changing, shifting, to make for some varied and fun levels to blast through. To help with the pacing, each “area” is now divided into a subset of levels. One big level, combined with several sub-areas. This makes the pacing sooooo much more faster than one could expect. Especially when it comes to 100%. I never had the biggest issue with 100%ing Zero I, but Zero II has it better, straight up. All of the items are listed in the Info tab of a planet, so if you miss something, it's readily apparent. I wish you could check the status of an entire world’s collectibles, though that’s a nitpick. Because it's really not that hard to 100% a planet in one go. And with the tinier planets offering only one or two items, 100%ing isn’t an issue at all. So when you finish the big level in an Area, the side planets offer a nice break between the bigger levels. I never got tired of Zero II, because it’s such an easy game to pick up and play. When you see that fully completed world, it simply feels satisfying. And the levels you travel within? OH MY GOD. These levels are WAY better than the first one’s! Non-stop, constant speed, and each level gimmick is so varied, intertwining your abilities with the level’s perfectly. As soon as the first screen shows up, you can see a Life Up that’s just barely out of your reach. But when you get the Hover ability, that Life Up is yours. Already, you feel like you’ve made significant progress. Combined with the side worlds, and you have a satisfying gameplay loop that any fan of the genre can fall in love with. And combined with the quality-of-life features I haven’t even mentioned, like weapon shortcuts, this transforms Zero II into a very different game that transcends the quality of the first game. From fun in Sophia the III, into one of the best metroidvanias to be released to date. And that’s just Sophia! Because folks, we have a few other Metal Attacker pilots to mention.
Yeah, Jason ain’t the only one in town with a tank. With the new worlds of Zero II, comes all new pilots, support droids, and Tanks, too! From a casual farmer with a nature loving southern fox (I think?) girl, to a more father-daughter relationship, and even a voluptuous plant girl. A voluptuous plant girl. Okay??? Thanks, Inti. You attracted all of the Plants Vs Zombies artists. Ughhhhhhh. Jokes aside, I really like the cast of Zero II, although a part of me wishes we saw them outside of just their own worlds. All of them have some really fun dynamics between Jason and co., but it’s only temporary. Gonbei is the down-to-earth guy, Stein is a hard worker, and Kanna is, well, as silly as her own design is. It’s a shame that they’re a one-and-done deal though. Outside of [SPOILERS], though, that doesn’t really count, because they barely show up there, either. Sure, the collectible emblems give the characters a bit more screentime, as well as leading into the True ending, but even then, I really wish these characters were more developed, as I said, they’re really fun to be around. I appreciate the world building of the Zero series though, as this could hint at the possibility of more Metal attacker pilots in the future. But as the “Jason” saga came to a close in Zero III, it’s uncertain if the series has a future with the current chronology. But hey, we’ll see. Hey, speaking of pilots...
Jason in this game is absolutely CRAZY. The weapon system received yet another overhaul. While the weapons can still deplete like normal, the weakness has an even greater emphasis than before. While Wave is still the top dog in terms of damage, the other weapons have seen way more love. It’s less viable to spam Wave, as the weapon begins to rapidly lose damage with each shot, which restores the less you fire it. While Wave is still the best in terms of raw damage and universal weaknesses across the game, in order to maximize the capabilities of Jason, you need to switch up your game plan a whole lot more than Zero I. Because of this, the Whip became a personal favorite of mine. It has piss poor range, but it does great damage, and is immune to weapon staling. That's not to say the rest of the bunch aren't slacking, though. The Seeker is solid, and Guard can be useful in a pinch, but that's about it for me. I really wish they gave you more reason to stick with other weapons. Staling weapons is a start, but other than that, there's still little reason to not stick to your guns, literally. But believe me, folks. We haven't even touched the best ability by far. BLAST COUNTER!! Blast Counter is cool as hell and you cannot tell me otherwise. If enemies have a reticle above their head, hit the Y button, and BAM! It stuns most enemies, and also looks cool as hell, but when you get the Speed Striker, it just annihilates the boss of Montoj. It’s like, “Fuck you, I don’t have time for this shit”. It’s great. Spamming counter is ill-advised as timing it correctly is the only one that makes enemies weak. But this ability alone makes the combat of Zero II so much more refined and dynamic, and some of the most fun in the series. Hell, pop in the Empress DLC, and... DAMN. They don’t call her The Empress for nothing! Even then, what the hell? I know nothing about Dragon Marked For Death, but if The Empress can pull this off in her own game, sign me up! Well, that is... if Dragon Marked For Death wasn’t a dead multiplayer game itself! LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO shut the fuck up it’s not funny. Bad jokes aside, Zero II would be perfect. IF the bosses weren’t so mediocre.
THE MOUNTAIN OF CHAOS, MY FUCKING BEHATED. There is genuinely zero skill needed for this fight. Mash this shit like it’s Cookie Clicker, and THEN you get to play the video game! Oh, and if you accidentally fall off as Jason? That’s a wrap! Jason is so fucking fragile in this game. He can fall, like 2 blocks and that’s a reset. Oh, and the Unknown Cell-046? Can you AIM? If so, you just beat the fight. Just like that! The Dig-Rawer, too. It’s laughably easy. There aren’t too many bosses in Zero II, but too many of them err on the lame side of things. And, yeah, this applies to the final boss, too. But first, let’s head back to the story.
As Jason makes his way through the galaxy, a mysterious, hostile figure shows up, dubbed Leibniz. They constantly try to impede Jason’s progress, whether by fighting them directly or otherwise. It’s unclear what Leibniz wants, as they continue to insult and berate Jason and co with no clear motivation behind the attacks. Hell, Leibniz even attacked Kanna, and embarrassingly lost to Miss Melons. This comes to a head in Area G, where Leibniz and Jason duke it out for the final time. Turns out that Leibniz was a victim of the now infamous Planade-G. Before the events of the game, Leibniz and his now deceased support droid lived on that Planet, right until the planet was invaded by mutants. Everything was destroyed, with Leibniz surviving, but with their support droid dying with Planade-G. This drives Leibniz into madness, killing anything that comes in Garuda’s path, as a false sense of payback ensues over them. And in this encounter is where Leibniz’s backstory is revealed. They believe that killing Jason is a better fate than taking Planade-G head on, believing that the two are trying to save Planade-G. In reality, Planade-G stands right in their path to the planet Sophia, and regrettably, they cannot avoid it. So like it or not, they have to take this thing on. Concerningly, Eve ran some simulations about what would happen if they actually won. Should that happen, the energy within Planade-G would malfunction, essentially dooming the universe that they’re within, including the tunnel to Sophia itself. Either way, Planade-G is a big enough threat to the universe anyways. So concerningly, Sophia charges towards the giant, purple planet.
Planade-G is probably my least favorite boss in the entire game, and probably the entire Zero saga. God, this one is just so fucking dreadful. It’s basically luck if you can even land a hit or not. You have to stomp the energy out of Planade-G with the Gaia-Sophia system, but doing so is a tedious process in of itself. The debris flying in the sky is supposed to help you deal more damage, but it often intercepts you giant Gaia stomp, making the process frustrating. Hell, even if you don’t run into the debris, an enemy that spawns on the floor can just straight up cancel your stomp, no matter how hard you fall. Oh, and not to mention, at low HP, the planet will start rotating, with NO TELEGRAPHING! Christ! This may very well be one of the worst bosses in Inti Creates HISTORY, and you KNOW they never miss with their bosses. But what in the hell happened here? I might say that this is THE worst boss in Blaster Master, not just the Zero series, but Blaster Master 2 exists, so... good job, I guess? This is also where the first ending comes into play.
Once again, the Bad Ending is the one most players will see on their first playthrough. As the two pre-maturely celebrate, as Eve predicted, Planade-G’s tunnel becomes unstable, flinging the crew into a black hole, Area Ω, separating them in the process. Although the universe avoided it’s inevitable destruction, the team are essentially left for dead, with no one to save them. Eve recants on the journey that just occurred, how Jason was a fearless leader, reflecting on the other pilots we’ve seen throughout the course of the game, but also beginning to believe that the mission was a bust from the start. Her last regret was not spending more time with the pilots, but as her consciousness begins to fade, Eve calls out to Jason one last time. Cutting to Leibniz, they receive the distress signal that Eve sent out, before the signal cuts off. Leibniz is initially ecstatic over the news, laughing at the two’s downfall, as well as their home planet’s, before returning to a striking silence, as the game fades to black. This is a pretty blatant bad ending for the crew. I mean, everyone on the team was wiped out, never to be seen again, and Sophia suffers, as Leibniz says. No more, no less. But, if you actually have a sense of joy and/or happiness, you’ll want to aim for the true ending. You thankfully don’t need to 100% the game in order to do so, but you’ll need to instead collect the emblems you get from the other pilots. These have no apparent effects, but upon defeating Planade-G again, everything plays out, realizing everything that Jason did for her. However, she realizes that she must be her own person. Sure, Jason is a great acquaintance, but Eve is nothing without Jason. That all changes, when Eve stands up, corruption be damned, determined to do what Jason did for her all those months ago. And thus begins Area Ω.
Eve is... intentionally bad. She has no ranged game, only getting a bitch slap, also being as fragile as Jason, and has the ability to slow down time with the powers of kittens and cats alike. It reflects her deteriorating state at this point in the story. The player is forced out of their comfort zone at this point in the story, with this level being the hardest Area in the game, in my opinion. This is where the game becomes more puzzle-like, as the player needs to get with the grips of fall damage. Without any tank, even a short fall can kill Eve. Hell, you even fight a few bosses with her, which aren’t too ballbusting, thankfully. After a bit of exploring, Eve finds a Blaster rifle, which alarms her, as it may potentially belong to Jason. She hopes for the best and trudges on, but apparently, she pissed off a religious figure, because Leibniz shows up, and tries to go in for the kill. Eve is like, “Girl, bye”, finding a tank behind Leibniz, alongside a spirit of a former support droid, Elfie, killed by the Mutant Cocoon. Elfie’s support droid is Roddy. Yes, this is a reference to Blaster Master: Blasting Again, where Eve and Jason’s children are named Roddy and Elfie. They’re not the same characters, but you gotta applaud the amount of care this team has. It should be criminal. I mean, shit, almost all of the new character names are references to previous Sunsoft games, and hell, even some of the worlds are references in of themselves. I love this fucking company. Anyways, Elfie consoles Leibniz about their loss of their pilot, with Leibniz in denial. Elfie then namedrops Leibniz’s support droid, Lucia, sending them into a moment of silence. Leibniz blasts off, telling Eve to keep eye on the Emblems that she acquired. Elfie lets Eve pilot her tank, with Eve noticing that the structure of the tank, Andreia, is a near-replica of Sophia III’s. Eve blasts off in her fancy new talk intent on completing the mission that Elfie started. At this point, there is very little else in Zero II. Only a few HP ups before the big showdown with the Mutant Cocoon, so we can cover that now. The Mutant Cocoon towers over a stone-cold Jason. His vitals are still present, though waning. It’s believed that he tried to take on the Cocoon himself, before failing and succumbing to the Mutant Cocoon. Eve is hopeless, yet tries to save Jason either way, before realizing her attempts are fruitless without the Acceleration Blast, which is unusable. When all hope seems lost, Gonbei and the others come in to save Eve and defeat the Mutant Cocoon, revealing that the Emblems are teleporters, of sorts. Eve fends off the Cocoon as the crew starts to show up to save Eve. While the Acceleration Blast may destroy Andreia, Elfie accepts this, and allows Eve to proceed. Using her Mutant cells as fuel, she destroys that bitch-ass Mutant Cocoon, and Jason returns to normal. The fight is not over just yet, as the Mutant Cocoon reveals its true form; the Drolrevo Mastro. Despite my qualms with the bosses in Zero II, this fight is a solid time, although it ends way too quickly for my tastes. But, once Mastro falls, the grand Planet Sophia lays in front of Jason and Eve. With the beautiful planet in front of their eyes, Eve only has one thing she has to say. What is this confession? Play Zero III to find out!
In an undisclosed location, Leibniz catches a distress signal from Earth. The mutants strike again, calling for Gaia Sophia. Leibniz doesn’t stand around and watch, though. This time, they take initiative, joking around at how he’s the hero of the story this time. And, in the final words of the game, Leibniz proclaims, “Let’s go... Lucia...”
Yeah, if I didn’t make it clear, Zero II is amazing. Genuinely. Like, shockingly good. Zero I was great, but this blew away all expectations, and transformed an already good game into a TRUE masterpiece. Zero I was a fair bit divisive when it was released, but I’ve seen NOBODY shit on this game so far, and that’s when you KNOW a game is good. I love it, just like everyone else. And to think that it’s the SECOND BEST ONE! Zero III... might just be... a good game. Hell if I know! But, we’ll just have to wait and see. What say you? Let’s go... uh... Geese... But yeah. Buy this game. Don’t have the money? I’ll fucking gift it to you, how about that? Because you MUST play this game. Please do. I’ll love you forever and ever if you do.
Well, shit. We hit 200 before Zero III. Uh... yeah. I really don’t have more to say. Zero III will be the chef’s kiss, so be on the lookout. But other than that, gotta promote the Discord server again. It’s a tight-knit, yet active community. So, hop on in! https://discord.gg/CUH3RSFSSB But that’s really all I’ve got. Not even a Bayonetta Origins jo- oh, whoops. Okay, have a good night, play Blaster Master Zero, every single one of them, and support Inti, because goddamn. They’re the kings of making good games that nobody plays. Bye!
Blaster Master Zero is one of my favorite games of all time. So naturally, Zero II should follow. And… yeah. It's peak. Shocker. I mean, I already said that Zero 1 was “a 10/10 in my heart”, and I then followed that up by saying that Zero I was “truly the worst the [Zero] series has to offer”, so it's no shock that I find Zero II and Zero III more appealing by default. So, I could just end the review there. Zero II is a great follow-up to Zero I, and expands on its gameplay greatly. But, no! Because Blaster Master Zero II, is really, REALLY GOOD. Shockingly so. This was one of my favorite games ever, the 5th spot on my list of GOATed favorites. It's stayed pretty stagnant since Zero III forced it out of the Top 5 slot, but Zero II is still definitely up there in terms of my favorites. But I will say, I honestly forgot about what made Zero II so great. I hadn’t played it in a long while, so I decided to do so for this review, and man. Once I heard the music again, got into the groove of it all, that was it for me. Because I knew Zero II would be near perfection. Not the perfect game (i can name a few of those), but the perfect game to me. And, a perfect game with no major version differences. Like Zero II, the game is the same across platforms, you just need to buy the DLC. Hooray! So, what say you? Here's my review of BLASTER MASTER ZERO II!
A few months after the True Ending of Blaster Master Zero I, after Jason, the young scientist, saved Eve, the support droid for Sophia III, from the Mutant Core, the two live in harmony. While Sophia III was left to die with the Mutant Core, Sophia Zero manages to come out unscathed. Eve however, does not. In Blaster Master Zero I, Eve’s body was taken over by the Mutant Core, altering her appearance to be incredibly veiny. Although everything seemed okay after the fact, Eve would begin to undergo what I'll dub her “Corruption”, where the mutant cells began to overtake her body. This radically changes her appearance from a sweet, innocuous girl, to a half-mutant, with only a bloody tear to convey her pain. Also, cats. Both figuratively, and literally, because yeah, Eve got a breast implant. I’ll chalk it up to her “Corruption”, but the comments about her being a Mutant [SPOILERS] in Zero III? Yeah, can’t blame ‘em if you’re picking up what I’m putting down. BUT ANYWAYS... This sends Jason into a panic, as he attempts to save Eve once more. He attempts to find a cure for Eve’s mutation on Earth, but fails to find one. So, with the creation of Gaia-Sophia, born from the parts of Sophia Zero, now with the possibility of space travel, the trio blast off into space, not knowing where to go or what to do next. But, not before showing Eve trembling, sweating, almost looking half-dead. It’s a thrilling note to start the game on, and tells the player if that the mission fails, Eve is pretty much dead. I really like how they portray this in the main quest and promo material, too. Following the release of most Inti Creates games, they release some free to download wallpapers, and Zero I is no different. But in these promo materials, Inti was like, “uhhhh so like what if we made a sequel to this game????” So then with each release of a wallpaper, a part of Eve’s skin turns increasingly green. So yeah, if you thought Inti was fucking around, you'd better think twice, because Zero II would be beloved within the community. Also, in the game’s story, Eve will often go under without prior warning, providing that greater sense of urgency for the player, really pushing them to act fast, lest the worst possible outcome were to occur. So yeah, hop on your tank, and lets go!
When it comes to the Tank gameplay, there aren’t many changes overall, which is great, because it barely needed any change, because Zero I had already perfected the formula. The main change is the “Gaia System”, which allows you to recover some SP after falling, or taking damage. Otherwise, it’s largely the same. To be honest, I really did not care about the Gaia system. It’s not intrusive at all, but I never found that it added to exploration. It was nice when I needed to recover some SP, but other than that, it’s largely disposable in my eyes. Although, they do something neat with it in the final boss, but yeah. Not a game changer, but an acceptable addition overall. I think they tried to use it as a sort of comeback mechanic, because in Zero II, you no longer regenerate SP, so maybe they tried to negate camping strategies? I'm not really sure, to be honest. Other than that, Gaia Sophia is basically the same. But, that's totally okay. Because Sophia III kicked ass in the first game, and continues to do so here with Gaia Sophia. So Gaia Sophia is a success here. But what about the worlds you traverse in?
Arguably the best improvement in Zero II is the phenomenal level design. Zero I had good level design that lacked focus, but Zero II’s level design is extremely concentrated and fast paced. There is not a single dull moment in Zero II. Everything is always changing, shifting, to make for some varied and fun levels to blast through. To help with the pacing, each “area” is now divided into a subset of levels. One big level, combined with several sub-areas. This makes the pacing sooooo much more faster than one could expect. Especially when it comes to 100%. I never had the biggest issue with 100%ing Zero I, but Zero II has it better, straight up. All of the items are listed in the Info tab of a planet, so if you miss something, it's readily apparent. I wish you could check the status of an entire world’s collectibles, though that’s a nitpick. Because it's really not that hard to 100% a planet in one go. And with the tinier planets offering only one or two items, 100%ing isn’t an issue at all. So when you finish the big level in an Area, the side planets offer a nice break between the bigger levels. I never got tired of Zero II, because it’s such an easy game to pick up and play. When you see that fully completed world, it simply feels satisfying. And the levels you travel within? OH MY GOD. These levels are WAY better than the first one’s! Non-stop, constant speed, and each level gimmick is so varied, intertwining your abilities with the level’s perfectly. As soon as the first screen shows up, you can see a Life Up that’s just barely out of your reach. But when you get the Hover ability, that Life Up is yours. Already, you feel like you’ve made significant progress. Combined with the side worlds, and you have a satisfying gameplay loop that any fan of the genre can fall in love with. And combined with the quality-of-life features I haven’t even mentioned, like weapon shortcuts, this transforms Zero II into a very different game that transcends the quality of the first game. From fun in Sophia the III, into one of the best metroidvanias to be released to date. And that’s just Sophia! Because folks, we have a few other Metal Attacker pilots to mention.
Yeah, Jason ain’t the only one in town with a tank. With the new worlds of Zero II, comes all new pilots, support droids, and Tanks, too! From a casual farmer with a nature loving southern fox (I think?) girl, to a more father-daughter relationship, and even a voluptuous plant girl. A voluptuous plant girl. Okay??? Thanks, Inti. You attracted all of the Plants Vs Zombies artists. Ughhhhhhh. Jokes aside, I really like the cast of Zero II, although a part of me wishes we saw them outside of just their own worlds. All of them have some really fun dynamics between Jason and co., but it’s only temporary. Gonbei is the down-to-earth guy, Stein is a hard worker, and Kanna is, well, as silly as her own design is. It’s a shame that they’re a one-and-done deal though. Outside of [SPOILERS], though, that doesn’t really count, because they barely show up there, either. Sure, the collectible emblems give the characters a bit more screentime, as well as leading into the True ending, but even then, I really wish these characters were more developed, as I said, they’re really fun to be around. I appreciate the world building of the Zero series though, as this could hint at the possibility of more Metal attacker pilots in the future. But as the “Jason” saga came to a close in Zero III, it’s uncertain if the series has a future with the current chronology. But hey, we’ll see. Hey, speaking of pilots...
Jason in this game is absolutely CRAZY. The weapon system received yet another overhaul. While the weapons can still deplete like normal, the weakness has an even greater emphasis than before. While Wave is still the top dog in terms of damage, the other weapons have seen way more love. It’s less viable to spam Wave, as the weapon begins to rapidly lose damage with each shot, which restores the less you fire it. While Wave is still the best in terms of raw damage and universal weaknesses across the game, in order to maximize the capabilities of Jason, you need to switch up your game plan a whole lot more than Zero I. Because of this, the Whip became a personal favorite of mine. It has piss poor range, but it does great damage, and is immune to weapon staling. That's not to say the rest of the bunch aren't slacking, though. The Seeker is solid, and Guard can be useful in a pinch, but that's about it for me. I really wish they gave you more reason to stick with other weapons. Staling weapons is a start, but other than that, there's still little reason to not stick to your guns, literally. But believe me, folks. We haven't even touched the best ability by far. BLAST COUNTER!! Blast Counter is cool as hell and you cannot tell me otherwise. If enemies have a reticle above their head, hit the Y button, and BAM! It stuns most enemies, and also looks cool as hell, but when you get the Speed Striker, it just annihilates the boss of Montoj. It’s like, “Fuck you, I don’t have time for this shit”. It’s great. Spamming counter is ill-advised as timing it correctly is the only one that makes enemies weak. But this ability alone makes the combat of Zero II so much more refined and dynamic, and some of the most fun in the series. Hell, pop in the Empress DLC, and... DAMN. They don’t call her The Empress for nothing! Even then, what the hell? I know nothing about Dragon Marked For Death, but if The Empress can pull this off in her own game, sign me up! Well, that is... if Dragon Marked For Death wasn’t a dead multiplayer game itself! LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO shut the fuck up it’s not funny. Bad jokes aside, Zero II would be perfect. IF the bosses weren’t so mediocre.
THE MOUNTAIN OF CHAOS, MY FUCKING BEHATED. There is genuinely zero skill needed for this fight. Mash this shit like it’s Cookie Clicker, and THEN you get to play the video game! Oh, and if you accidentally fall off as Jason? That’s a wrap! Jason is so fucking fragile in this game. He can fall, like 2 blocks and that’s a reset. Oh, and the Unknown Cell-046? Can you AIM? If so, you just beat the fight. Just like that! The Dig-Rawer, too. It’s laughably easy. There aren’t too many bosses in Zero II, but too many of them err on the lame side of things. And, yeah, this applies to the final boss, too. But first, let’s head back to the story.
As Jason makes his way through the galaxy, a mysterious, hostile figure shows up, dubbed Leibniz. They constantly try to impede Jason’s progress, whether by fighting them directly or otherwise. It’s unclear what Leibniz wants, as they continue to insult and berate Jason and co with no clear motivation behind the attacks. Hell, Leibniz even attacked Kanna, and embarrassingly lost to Miss Melons. This comes to a head in Area G, where Leibniz and Jason duke it out for the final time. Turns out that Leibniz was a victim of the now infamous Planade-G. Before the events of the game, Leibniz and his now deceased support droid lived on that Planet, right until the planet was invaded by mutants. Everything was destroyed, with Leibniz surviving, but with their support droid dying with Planade-G. This drives Leibniz into madness, killing anything that comes in Garuda’s path, as a false sense of payback ensues over them. And in this encounter is where Leibniz’s backstory is revealed. They believe that killing Jason is a better fate than taking Planade-G head on, believing that the two are trying to save Planade-G. In reality, Planade-G stands right in their path to the planet Sophia, and regrettably, they cannot avoid it. So like it or not, they have to take this thing on. Concerningly, Eve ran some simulations about what would happen if they actually won. Should that happen, the energy within Planade-G would malfunction, essentially dooming the universe that they’re within, including the tunnel to Sophia itself. Either way, Planade-G is a big enough threat to the universe anyways. So concerningly, Sophia charges towards the giant, purple planet.
Planade-G is probably my least favorite boss in the entire game, and probably the entire Zero saga. God, this one is just so fucking dreadful. It’s basically luck if you can even land a hit or not. You have to stomp the energy out of Planade-G with the Gaia-Sophia system, but doing so is a tedious process in of itself. The debris flying in the sky is supposed to help you deal more damage, but it often intercepts you giant Gaia stomp, making the process frustrating. Hell, even if you don’t run into the debris, an enemy that spawns on the floor can just straight up cancel your stomp, no matter how hard you fall. Oh, and not to mention, at low HP, the planet will start rotating, with NO TELEGRAPHING! Christ! This may very well be one of the worst bosses in Inti Creates HISTORY, and you KNOW they never miss with their bosses. But what in the hell happened here? I might say that this is THE worst boss in Blaster Master, not just the Zero series, but Blaster Master 2 exists, so... good job, I guess? This is also where the first ending comes into play.
Once again, the Bad Ending is the one most players will see on their first playthrough. As the two pre-maturely celebrate, as Eve predicted, Planade-G’s tunnel becomes unstable, flinging the crew into a black hole, Area Ω, separating them in the process. Although the universe avoided it’s inevitable destruction, the team are essentially left for dead, with no one to save them. Eve recants on the journey that just occurred, how Jason was a fearless leader, reflecting on the other pilots we’ve seen throughout the course of the game, but also beginning to believe that the mission was a bust from the start. Her last regret was not spending more time with the pilots, but as her consciousness begins to fade, Eve calls out to Jason one last time. Cutting to Leibniz, they receive the distress signal that Eve sent out, before the signal cuts off. Leibniz is initially ecstatic over the news, laughing at the two’s downfall, as well as their home planet’s, before returning to a striking silence, as the game fades to black. This is a pretty blatant bad ending for the crew. I mean, everyone on the team was wiped out, never to be seen again, and Sophia suffers, as Leibniz says. No more, no less. But, if you actually have a sense of joy and/or happiness, you’ll want to aim for the true ending. You thankfully don’t need to 100% the game in order to do so, but you’ll need to instead collect the emblems you get from the other pilots. These have no apparent effects, but upon defeating Planade-G again, everything plays out, realizing everything that Jason did for her. However, she realizes that she must be her own person. Sure, Jason is a great acquaintance, but Eve is nothing without Jason. That all changes, when Eve stands up, corruption be damned, determined to do what Jason did for her all those months ago. And thus begins Area Ω.
Eve is... intentionally bad. She has no ranged game, only getting a bitch slap, also being as fragile as Jason, and has the ability to slow down time with the powers of kittens and cats alike. It reflects her deteriorating state at this point in the story. The player is forced out of their comfort zone at this point in the story, with this level being the hardest Area in the game, in my opinion. This is where the game becomes more puzzle-like, as the player needs to get with the grips of fall damage. Without any tank, even a short fall can kill Eve. Hell, you even fight a few bosses with her, which aren’t too ballbusting, thankfully. After a bit of exploring, Eve finds a Blaster rifle, which alarms her, as it may potentially belong to Jason. She hopes for the best and trudges on, but apparently, she pissed off a religious figure, because Leibniz shows up, and tries to go in for the kill. Eve is like, “Girl, bye”, finding a tank behind Leibniz, alongside a spirit of a former support droid, Elfie, killed by the Mutant Cocoon. Elfie’s support droid is Roddy. Yes, this is a reference to Blaster Master: Blasting Again, where Eve and Jason’s children are named Roddy and Elfie. They’re not the same characters, but you gotta applaud the amount of care this team has. It should be criminal. I mean, shit, almost all of the new character names are references to previous Sunsoft games, and hell, even some of the worlds are references in of themselves. I love this fucking company. Anyways, Elfie consoles Leibniz about their loss of their pilot, with Leibniz in denial. Elfie then namedrops Leibniz’s support droid, Lucia, sending them into a moment of silence. Leibniz blasts off, telling Eve to keep eye on the Emblems that she acquired. Elfie lets Eve pilot her tank, with Eve noticing that the structure of the tank, Andreia, is a near-replica of Sophia III’s. Eve blasts off in her fancy new talk intent on completing the mission that Elfie started. At this point, there is very little else in Zero II. Only a few HP ups before the big showdown with the Mutant Cocoon, so we can cover that now. The Mutant Cocoon towers over a stone-cold Jason. His vitals are still present, though waning. It’s believed that he tried to take on the Cocoon himself, before failing and succumbing to the Mutant Cocoon. Eve is hopeless, yet tries to save Jason either way, before realizing her attempts are fruitless without the Acceleration Blast, which is unusable. When all hope seems lost, Gonbei and the others come in to save Eve and defeat the Mutant Cocoon, revealing that the Emblems are teleporters, of sorts. Eve fends off the Cocoon as the crew starts to show up to save Eve. While the Acceleration Blast may destroy Andreia, Elfie accepts this, and allows Eve to proceed. Using her Mutant cells as fuel, she destroys that bitch-ass Mutant Cocoon, and Jason returns to normal. The fight is not over just yet, as the Mutant Cocoon reveals its true form; the Drolrevo Mastro. Despite my qualms with the bosses in Zero II, this fight is a solid time, although it ends way too quickly for my tastes. But, once Mastro falls, the grand Planet Sophia lays in front of Jason and Eve. With the beautiful planet in front of their eyes, Eve only has one thing she has to say. What is this confession? Play Zero III to find out!
In an undisclosed location, Leibniz catches a distress signal from Earth. The mutants strike again, calling for Gaia Sophia. Leibniz doesn’t stand around and watch, though. This time, they take initiative, joking around at how he’s the hero of the story this time. And, in the final words of the game, Leibniz proclaims, “Let’s go... Lucia...”
Yeah, if I didn’t make it clear, Zero II is amazing. Genuinely. Like, shockingly good. Zero I was great, but this blew away all expectations, and transformed an already good game into a TRUE masterpiece. Zero I was a fair bit divisive when it was released, but I’ve seen NOBODY shit on this game so far, and that’s when you KNOW a game is good. I love it, just like everyone else. And to think that it’s the SECOND BEST ONE! Zero III... might just be... a good game. Hell if I know! But, we’ll just have to wait and see. What say you? Let’s go... uh... Geese... But yeah. Buy this game. Don’t have the money? I’ll fucking gift it to you, how about that? Because you MUST play this game. Please do. I’ll love you forever and ever if you do.
Well, shit. We hit 200 before Zero III. Uh... yeah. I really don’t have more to say. Zero III will be the chef’s kiss, so be on the lookout. But other than that, gotta promote the Discord server again. It’s a tight-knit, yet active community. So, hop on in! https://discord.gg/CUH3RSFSSB But that’s really all I’ve got. Not even a Bayonetta Origins jo- oh, whoops. Okay, have a good night, play Blaster Master Zero, every single one of them, and support Inti, because goddamn. They’re the kings of making good games that nobody plays. Bye!
2024
we should make this review page the paint drying of backloggd
Doing a longer review later, but... dude... I genuinely wanted to eat a Tide Pod in the final 3 missions... Fun game, but man...
2017
This review contains spoilers
Awesome Kanna Facts died for this.
In the distant past, on God’s green Earth, “Eve, my Beloved”, a grand Goose uttered. But said Goose would grow and grow over the course of several years. But after several reviews and lists, zeusdeegoose was plunged into an Ice Age. zeusdeegoose was left no choice but to redo older, less polished reviews, and thus restore zeusdeegoose to its former greatness as it once was.
Corny-ass intro aside, Blaster Master Zero is a game trilogy that I hold near and dear to my heart. Damn it, Inti. Mega Man Zero, and now this? With the word “Zero” in a title, they can truly go anywhere... Both series of games have left an extremely long lasting impact on me, Blaster Master Zero III especially, being my second favorite game of all time, right next to yet ANOTHER series of... expansions (???) which I hold even nearer and dearer to my heart. But I’ve rarely talked about Blaster Master Zero despite my high praise for each and every one of the entries, and like I said, Zero III is just peak. Straight up. But in order to get to Zero III, I need to talk about I and II, because yes, you MUST play each Blaster Master Zero game in order to understand the others. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. The whole trilogy is available for a slick $17 on sale, go buy it, you won’t regret it. So like I said, before we get to the second best game of all time, we gotta get through the other best games of all time. No bias. And right off of the bat, we have to cover the worst one in the series, Zero I. And it still gets an 8/10, so yeah, we’re off to a pretty good start. No bitching today, folks! Well mostly, anyways. But I'mma lay all of that out in the Battlefield. So, without further ado, here's why the Blaster Master Zero Trilogy is a masterpiece, kicking off with Blaster Master Zero I.
Blaster Master Zero I was born out of a perfect set of flukes. Somewhere around E3 2015, rest in peace, Matt Papa, the then-localizer of Inti Creates, had suffered an injury which rendered him unable to attend E3. Without any way to communicate with other E3 attendees, work was called off at Inti Creates. Aizu, President of Inti Creates, wandered around E3, accidentally stumbling across a meeting with Sunsoft and Nintendo. The meeting wasn't going very well, with Sunsoft unsuccessfully trying to get Nintendo's support for a Blaster Master project. Aizu asked if there was anything he could assist with, and with that, Inti Creates was officially on board for Blaster Master Zero. It's a cute story of how Blaster Master Zero, but one that should be remembered for Zero III. Mark my words.
Blaster Master Zero was announced for release on March 3rd, 2017 in Japan on the Nintendo 3DS and Nintendo Switch, with the West getting the game a few days later on the 9th. The game was a hit when it launched. Everyone spoke great things about it, and it reviewed solidly, too. It later got a port to Steam in June of 2019, thanks to Blaster Master Zero II’s upcoming release, and was then released on PS4 and Xbox in the Summer of ‘20 and ‘21, respectively. Unlike Gunvolt, there is no true definitive port. Each port has the same base content with zero changes aside from the included DLC, with Steam and PS4 including Gunvolt and Ekoro as playable characters, and in the case of the 3DS release, it runs at 30FPS. But really, who cares? Play any version you want. Like the game? Buy the DLC. Hate it? Don't buy it. At its core, Zero I is still the same game no matter what, and also the same price on all platforms, too. Like most games, I went with the Steam release, but I do also own the game on 3DS. So, there's only one thing left to do. Review Blaster Master Zero I!
Zero I’s story is a love letter to classic Blaster Master. Because of poor localization standards, the original Blaster Master has two separate stories. In Japan, the game was called MetaFight. It's more of a Sci Fi story, while in the West, the version dubbed Blaster Master, it's about a boy killing all of these monsters just to save a fuckin’ frog. This leaves Zero I in a pickle. Do they adapt the Japanese or Western story? The answer? Both. Yes, Blaster Master Zero is a merger of the two storylines, and it shouldn't work as well as it does. Zero I has a very simple story, but it's solid for what it attempts to do. In the not-too distant future, the Earth goes through a long period of human conflicts, causing the Earth to undergo an Ice Age. Humankind is forced to evacuate and regroup underground. During this time, a meteor crashes into Earth, but is shrugged off and ignored. A few hundred years pass, and humans are finally able to enter the surface once more, abandoning the Underground realm which they called home. Jason Freudnick, a scientist, encounters a frog-like creature, dubbed Fred. One day, Fred says, “Fuck this shit”, jumping into an inexplicable portal. Jason gives chase and discovers Sophia III, a battle tank from the ancient era. Giving no hesitation, Jason blasts off in Sophia III, eager to find Fred!
Blaster Master Zero, believe it or not, is NOT A REMAKE of Blaster Master. You hear that? Once more for those in the back, Blaster Master Zero IS NOT A REMAKE. It’s a reboot. I lose a year off of my life whenever someone says otherwise. Disregarding my annoyances, Blaster Master Zero takes everything that’s great about the original Blaster Master’s design, and polishes it up for the modern era. Blaster Master Zero is split between two separate styles of gameplay; the Tank mode, and Jason mode. You'll predominantly play within the Tank, the powerhouse of the two. It can take and deal a solid smackdown, but its larger size makes certain parts of the stage inaccessible. This is where Jason mode comes in, and while Jason is a very weak character, he can still put up a decent fight, and can also enter areas where the Tank can’t. When it comes to the Tank gameplay, the controls are just as snappy and reliable as the original. The most noticeable addition to the Zero saga is the ability to aim diagonally, by holding R, a staple of the modern metroidvania, working delightfully. Another minor, yet necessary improvement to Blaster Master Zero is the remapping of subweapons to L, rather than Down and Attack, a much more convenient button mapping. Add in a map and overworld bosses, which were strangely missing in Blaster Master, and you have a much more enjoyable game to boot! Sophia is a joy to control in the overworld, with there being even more variety in the upgrades. HP ups, charge shots, dashes, fucking ACCELERATION BLAST??? I love me some Accel Blast. It completely destroys anything in it’s path, costing a full SP bar, but it’s well worth it, practically one shotting everything. It’s awesome! So I think that the Tank mode is undoubtedly a success, but what about Jason? After all, he’s the main character of the story. Oh, speaking of which...
In Area 2, Jason finds an unconscious girl, dubbed Eve (Worlds of Power reference. Awesome), the BEST CHARACTER, who knows a lot about Sophia III. Who knows where she came from? Nobody knows, even herself, as she’s undergone amnesia. Not wanting to leave her for dead, Jason lets Eve tag along, assisting as his co-pilot. The two form a respectable bond, and eventually become [SPOILERS] in the True Ending. Yeah, over a fucking frog by the way. Eve is as helpful as ever, giving information about the current Area, and also giving you tips about the Tank that you’re in. But eventually, Eve is able to recall her grim past, alongside Fred and Sophia’s. The three were sent down to Earth in order to defeat the mutants which had invaded Earth, no matter the cost. While Eve wishes for Jason to no longer be involved in the scuffle, Jason refuses and continues to extend his support to Eve. And with this, the music in the overworld changes into a much more confident, triumphant tune that’s stuck with me for a long time. And that transitions perfectly into the Jason segments!
In Blaster Master, Jason was arguably the lower point of the game. His gameplay leaned too heavily on perfection and spamming buttons, And even then, perfection was still punishable, thanks to the gun powerups being too niche. It was still fun, but incredibly difficult, and potentially frustrating.This all changes with the almost entirely reworked systems in Zero I. It’s not even a competition here. Jason in Zero 1 completely SHITS on the original version. For those unaware of what a Blast, Er, Mast, or is, Jason’s segments are top-down shooters. Jason could move, shoot, strafe, upgrade his gun with capsules, and bomb. Get hit (and you WILL get hit), your gun upgrade goes down. That’s it. A very simple, but not inherently flawed style of gameplay. Zero I just upped the ante from here. At its core, the original philosophy remains intact. Jason has his blaster, and his bombs, too. He can also upgrade his guns, as well. But you want to do this, as not only are all of the gun upgrades awesome, with Wave being the end-all, be-all of the guns, but Blaster Master Zero introduces the Weakness system, a great motivation to use most guns in the game. Also, bombs have seen a major nerf, as they no longer have infinite usage, and they also have a cooldown now. But, in turn, they always stun bosses. It’s a solid tradeoff, in my eyes. Also, you get more bomb types in general, all of which are pretty solid. The Nuke one especially, being by far the most broken. Seriously, this shit requires 1 BOX of ammo, and then you can haul ass, doing almost 180 BLASTER SHOTS WORTH OF DAMAGE. It’s absolutely insane. Requiring 5 boxes surely wouldn’t have hurt, no??? Oh, what about the Weapon upgrade system? Welp, they actually made it… fun! In Area 2, you get this upgrade called the Energy Guard, which allows your Gun level to be protected if you take damage, but ONLY if you don’t take sequential damage, as that could bump you down a few tiers. And thus, the perfect balance of difficulty and forgiveness is met, as you still can’t play sloppily, even with it. It’s a solid addition, but hey, what if you’re old school and don’t like the more forgiving nature of the upgrade? Welp, you can always turn that shit off, and to be fair, it does make the game… a WHOLE lot easier, I won’t lie. But you aren’t punished, nor rewarded for playing with it, so I always keep it on. Save for one exception, but I’ll get to that later. But for the most part, they nailed Jason’s gameplay here. I truly think that this is the best that Jason has played in the, what? 4 sequels to Blaster Master? So that alone deserves some praise. So, that just leaves us with a few remaining elements to Blaster Master Zero.
When it comes to the level design of Zero I, it’s the only thing I can really hold over the game’s head. Is it bad? Hell no. It’s just that 2 out of the 9 areas are FUCKING DREADFUL. Okay, I love Zero I as much as the other two Zero games. But I absolutely DREAD Area 7 and 8. Yes, they’re THAT bad, and the reason why Zero I dropped from a low 9/10, to a high 8/10 for me. But it’s still a 10/10 in my heart. When it comes to Metroidvania design, Zero I excels in this regard, But Area 7 and 8? Hell no. This shit goes from Kirby to fucking Super Meat Boy’s Cotton Alley. And I’m not even exaggerating. I know people hate Zero I because it’s “too easy” or whatever. You know why I (lovingly) hate Zero I? These two zones, man. Area 7 and 8 are the Mega Man 9 Wily Stages of Blaster Master Zero. Yeah, I said it. Every mistake you make will pretty much lead to your tank’s demise. Get stunlocked to death because you’re trying to jump out of the stupid lava but then you get hit by the lava and again, oh yay, I’m back at the surface, oops I got hit again, hey, what killed me? If you’ve played Zero I, you know what’s up. Area 7 and 8 are rooted deep in frustrating game design that make them a chore to beat. Especially those rooms with the things that detect your tank that you aren’t low enough to the ground to shoot. So you have to hop into Jason mode to even try to fight them, oh wow, I’m taking a lot of damage, oh shit, I died. FUCK! The 2.5D sections make me want to request a Steam refund, too. Area 8 is a little less bad than Area 8, but yeah, it’s not good, either. But hey, at least the bosses in these areas are pretty sick. Area 7, especially. But, yeah. These final two zones are booty cheeks.
In Area 8, the final Area for most players, you get the epic face-off between the Mutant Lord and Team Sophia. It’s a solely Jason-only fight, but it’s really fun! This is where the weakness system really comes into clutch, as the second phase of the Mutant Lord will keep switching gun weaknesses. The first phase is whatever, but the second one is decently difficult. But after the Mutant Lord falls, Eve congratulates Jason on the victory, and the two head out for the surface, into the night sky. Everything is peaceful… until Eve has to leave to fulfill her purpose, as the mutant fighting machine that she is. It’s a bittersweet leave, as we see how much impact Jason had on Eve, but something isn’t right with Eve. When Jason says that he wants to reunite with Eve one day, she stays silent for a long time, implying that she might not make it back. Leaving Fred behind, she blasts off in Sophia III, leaving Jason alone to stare at the night sky. Thus, concluding Blaster Master Zero.
In a post-credits scene, Eve is shown… much more grotesque than usual, but near the end of her mission. She believes that, perhaps if they had more equipment, they might have succeeded, but she shrugs the idea off. The Mutant Core is a much greater threat than the Mutant Lord, and Eve aims to defeat the Core by detonating Sopia III, with herself in it to defeat the Core, as Sophia III lacked the power to fight the core alone. Forgiving Jason, she flips the self-destruction switch, with her success unknown. It’s such a disturbing note to end the game on. The graphic of Eve is enough to freak me out, but knowing that she may have not succeeded makes it even more ominous. Do you want that to be your reality? Most would probably say no. The rest hate happiness! The ending alone is unpleasant, but the “more equipment” line really gives you the final push for achieving the True Ending, as it hints at what you have to do in order to unlock the final Area. That’s right. You gotta 100% the game.
Blaster Master Zero doesn’t have much in the way when unlocking everything. You just have to get all Tank upgrades and Maps. While Blaster Master Zero has no fast travel, the areas are pretty focused, so backtracking isn’t too tedious. Hell, for the dedicated players, you might get all of the items on your first try. So, the True Ending path isn’t too grueling. Beat the Mutant Lord once again, and the ending plays out similarly. Eve thanks Jason, but this time, knocks him unconscious, with Eve leaving shortly after, crying, off to face the Mutant Core with the fully powered up Sophia III. Fearing Jason’s endangerment, she leaves him be, to take on the Core by herself. Jason wakes up shortly after, Sophia III and Eve nowhere to be seen. Fearing for Eve’s safety, Fred (remember him?) takes him towards Sophia Zero, hey, that’s the title of the game! The free Tank comes with a thousand-dollar message; “To our precious daughter: Please use this machine to protect them.” Signe- KANE AND JENNIFER GARDNER?????? God, Inti Creates, please marry me... For those who don’t know what a MetaFight is, Kane and Jennifer Gardner are the two protagonists of MetaFight. Hmmm... what the fuck is MetaFight? Oh, I don’t know, THE JAPANESE VERSION OF BLASTER MASTER? I LOVE anyone behind this video game series, I swear to god. Anyways, with no time to lose, and Sophia Zero in tow, Jaso- Errrr, technically, Fred blasts off once more to save Eve from her fate.
Area 9 has you play in aforementioned Sophia Zero, a souped up version of Sophia III, with all of the powers intact from the previous iteration. I’m serious. The bomb ability on this shit FUCKS, no jokes. Even with the first boss being Cerberus from Area 7, one of the harder bosses, it doesn’t even stand a chance against Sophia Zero! Only two bomb shots does it for him. No Acceleration Blast, nothing. It’s great. Meanwhile, the best song in the game just blasts in the background. Keep this shit coming, Inti Creates. Area 9 is like playing Vergil in Devil May Cry. It’s a victory lap, essentially. Not much else stands between you and Eve. Sure, you have the boss rush to cap things off, but nothing too daunting to face. And then you come across this... tank thing. It looks familiar, but I don- OH, COME ON INTI CREATES! Am I the only one who thought it looked like a dick? Genuinely. Okay, enough horsing around. It’s time to save Eve! INVEM Sophia, the corrupted Sophia tank, holds Eve hostage, as she’s powerless to stop the mutant influence on Sophia III. Not even Jason can phase the thing, and he drove that shit all game long. Before he knows it, the Tank begins to drive, and Jason books it, back to Sophia Zero he goes. Aw yeah, Tank Vs Tank! This fight is cool as hell. I like it when games make you fight against the abilities you acquired throughout the journey... which ones have done it? Uh, Blaster Master Zero, Blaster Master Zero III... uh... does Devil May Cry 4 count? Anyways, after enough damage to Invem Sophia, you have to rescue the now unconscious Eve from the dying Mutant Core, and then you get to wail on and destroy the Core once and for all. Eve, in her unconscious state, reminisces of her own rescue thanks to Jason, believing it to be a fallacy, before she awakes in front of Jason. Returning to the surface’s starry sky, Eve regains her consciousness, and sees the glorious Sophia Zero, alongside the message from her parents, Kane and Jennifer. Aw... Watching the sunrise with this beautiful landscape in front of them, Jason has a confession to make. What is this confession? Play Zero II to find out!
Blaster Master Zero, from the first time I played it’s demo on the 3DS in 2017, has really stuck with me. Has it gone down in my estimations? Yeah, maybe a little. But nonetheless, I still love it, like the other two Zero games. If this is truly the worst the series has to offer, an 8/10 game, then the other two must be PRETTY damn good. Perhaps one of them stands as one of my favorite games ever made... maybe. Ah, well. All of these games are amazing. I don’t know if I’ll have all of the reviews for Blaster Master Zero out by the time that the Steam Summer Sale ends, but PLEASE play Blaster Master Zero. It reminds me of why I love metroidvanias in general, and stands pretty high on the Metroidvania ranking that will... probably never see the light of day. But yeah, that’s all I have to say on Blaster Master Zero. A masterpiece, in my eyes.
Aaaand, another review done that isn’t Bayonetta Origins! When it comes to the zeusdeegoose bubble, a few things are going on now. First off, we’re nearing 200 followers on this site, and I wanted to thank everyone for their support, once again. It’s kind of crazy to me that we’ve gone from 50 followers, to 100, to nearly 200 in the span of like, 5 months. And one of the games that has undoubtedly helped in my growth is, ironically, Blaster Master Zero III! That review taught me that I actually have to try on Backloggd in order to get big, not be some B-grade Letterboxd user in order to succeed. As many of you know, I don’t hold zeusdeegoose in high regard, so how far I’ve come since is definitely a feat. I don’t have a big review planned for 200 followers, that is, unless I get to it before Zero III, but that remains to be seen. Hey, it can be in the voice of the people, so… ;). But other than that, I have one last announcement; I made a new Discord server! It was getting a bit crowded in the old one, so I decided to renovate it, and I can now say that it’s finally up. Here’s the invite; discord.gg/CUH3RSFSSB. It’s a tight-knit community, but one that can hopefully gain more activity in the future. And yes, before you oldies ask, I still have the [REDACTED] reviews still intact there. Feel free to read the unfinished series if you wish. So, that about wraps up what I wanted to say. I thank you all for your patronage once again, but that does it. June is finally here, schools out, happy Pride Month, go outside. Lord knows I’ll be doing anything but. Can you tell that I’m bad at conclusions?
In the distant past, on God’s green Earth, “Eve, my Beloved”, a grand Goose uttered. But said Goose would grow and grow over the course of several years. But after several reviews and lists, zeusdeegoose was plunged into an Ice Age. zeusdeegoose was left no choice but to redo older, less polished reviews, and thus restore zeusdeegoose to its former greatness as it once was.
Corny-ass intro aside, Blaster Master Zero is a game trilogy that I hold near and dear to my heart. Damn it, Inti. Mega Man Zero, and now this? With the word “Zero” in a title, they can truly go anywhere... Both series of games have left an extremely long lasting impact on me, Blaster Master Zero III especially, being my second favorite game of all time, right next to yet ANOTHER series of... expansions (???) which I hold even nearer and dearer to my heart. But I’ve rarely talked about Blaster Master Zero despite my high praise for each and every one of the entries, and like I said, Zero III is just peak. Straight up. But in order to get to Zero III, I need to talk about I and II, because yes, you MUST play each Blaster Master Zero game in order to understand the others. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. The whole trilogy is available for a slick $17 on sale, go buy it, you won’t regret it. So like I said, before we get to the second best game of all time, we gotta get through the other best games of all time. No bias. And right off of the bat, we have to cover the worst one in the series, Zero I. And it still gets an 8/10, so yeah, we’re off to a pretty good start. No bitching today, folks! Well mostly, anyways. But I'mma lay all of that out in the Battlefield. So, without further ado, here's why the Blaster Master Zero Trilogy is a masterpiece, kicking off with Blaster Master Zero I.
Blaster Master Zero I was born out of a perfect set of flukes. Somewhere around E3 2015, rest in peace, Matt Papa, the then-localizer of Inti Creates, had suffered an injury which rendered him unable to attend E3. Without any way to communicate with other E3 attendees, work was called off at Inti Creates. Aizu, President of Inti Creates, wandered around E3, accidentally stumbling across a meeting with Sunsoft and Nintendo. The meeting wasn't going very well, with Sunsoft unsuccessfully trying to get Nintendo's support for a Blaster Master project. Aizu asked if there was anything he could assist with, and with that, Inti Creates was officially on board for Blaster Master Zero. It's a cute story of how Blaster Master Zero, but one that should be remembered for Zero III. Mark my words.
Blaster Master Zero was announced for release on March 3rd, 2017 in Japan on the Nintendo 3DS and Nintendo Switch, with the West getting the game a few days later on the 9th. The game was a hit when it launched. Everyone spoke great things about it, and it reviewed solidly, too. It later got a port to Steam in June of 2019, thanks to Blaster Master Zero II’s upcoming release, and was then released on PS4 and Xbox in the Summer of ‘20 and ‘21, respectively. Unlike Gunvolt, there is no true definitive port. Each port has the same base content with zero changes aside from the included DLC, with Steam and PS4 including Gunvolt and Ekoro as playable characters, and in the case of the 3DS release, it runs at 30FPS. But really, who cares? Play any version you want. Like the game? Buy the DLC. Hate it? Don't buy it. At its core, Zero I is still the same game no matter what, and also the same price on all platforms, too. Like most games, I went with the Steam release, but I do also own the game on 3DS. So, there's only one thing left to do. Review Blaster Master Zero I!
Zero I’s story is a love letter to classic Blaster Master. Because of poor localization standards, the original Blaster Master has two separate stories. In Japan, the game was called MetaFight. It's more of a Sci Fi story, while in the West, the version dubbed Blaster Master, it's about a boy killing all of these monsters just to save a fuckin’ frog. This leaves Zero I in a pickle. Do they adapt the Japanese or Western story? The answer? Both. Yes, Blaster Master Zero is a merger of the two storylines, and it shouldn't work as well as it does. Zero I has a very simple story, but it's solid for what it attempts to do. In the not-too distant future, the Earth goes through a long period of human conflicts, causing the Earth to undergo an Ice Age. Humankind is forced to evacuate and regroup underground. During this time, a meteor crashes into Earth, but is shrugged off and ignored. A few hundred years pass, and humans are finally able to enter the surface once more, abandoning the Underground realm which they called home. Jason Freudnick, a scientist, encounters a frog-like creature, dubbed Fred. One day, Fred says, “Fuck this shit”, jumping into an inexplicable portal. Jason gives chase and discovers Sophia III, a battle tank from the ancient era. Giving no hesitation, Jason blasts off in Sophia III, eager to find Fred!
Blaster Master Zero, believe it or not, is NOT A REMAKE of Blaster Master. You hear that? Once more for those in the back, Blaster Master Zero IS NOT A REMAKE. It’s a reboot. I lose a year off of my life whenever someone says otherwise. Disregarding my annoyances, Blaster Master Zero takes everything that’s great about the original Blaster Master’s design, and polishes it up for the modern era. Blaster Master Zero is split between two separate styles of gameplay; the Tank mode, and Jason mode. You'll predominantly play within the Tank, the powerhouse of the two. It can take and deal a solid smackdown, but its larger size makes certain parts of the stage inaccessible. This is where Jason mode comes in, and while Jason is a very weak character, he can still put up a decent fight, and can also enter areas where the Tank can’t. When it comes to the Tank gameplay, the controls are just as snappy and reliable as the original. The most noticeable addition to the Zero saga is the ability to aim diagonally, by holding R, a staple of the modern metroidvania, working delightfully. Another minor, yet necessary improvement to Blaster Master Zero is the remapping of subweapons to L, rather than Down and Attack, a much more convenient button mapping. Add in a map and overworld bosses, which were strangely missing in Blaster Master, and you have a much more enjoyable game to boot! Sophia is a joy to control in the overworld, with there being even more variety in the upgrades. HP ups, charge shots, dashes, fucking ACCELERATION BLAST??? I love me some Accel Blast. It completely destroys anything in it’s path, costing a full SP bar, but it’s well worth it, practically one shotting everything. It’s awesome! So I think that the Tank mode is undoubtedly a success, but what about Jason? After all, he’s the main character of the story. Oh, speaking of which...
In Area 2, Jason finds an unconscious girl, dubbed Eve (Worlds of Power reference. Awesome), the BEST CHARACTER, who knows a lot about Sophia III. Who knows where she came from? Nobody knows, even herself, as she’s undergone amnesia. Not wanting to leave her for dead, Jason lets Eve tag along, assisting as his co-pilot. The two form a respectable bond, and eventually become [SPOILERS] in the True Ending. Yeah, over a fucking frog by the way. Eve is as helpful as ever, giving information about the current Area, and also giving you tips about the Tank that you’re in. But eventually, Eve is able to recall her grim past, alongside Fred and Sophia’s. The three were sent down to Earth in order to defeat the mutants which had invaded Earth, no matter the cost. While Eve wishes for Jason to no longer be involved in the scuffle, Jason refuses and continues to extend his support to Eve. And with this, the music in the overworld changes into a much more confident, triumphant tune that’s stuck with me for a long time. And that transitions perfectly into the Jason segments!
In Blaster Master, Jason was arguably the lower point of the game. His gameplay leaned too heavily on perfection and spamming buttons, And even then, perfection was still punishable, thanks to the gun powerups being too niche. It was still fun, but incredibly difficult, and potentially frustrating.This all changes with the almost entirely reworked systems in Zero I. It’s not even a competition here. Jason in Zero 1 completely SHITS on the original version. For those unaware of what a Blast, Er, Mast, or is, Jason’s segments are top-down shooters. Jason could move, shoot, strafe, upgrade his gun with capsules, and bomb. Get hit (and you WILL get hit), your gun upgrade goes down. That’s it. A very simple, but not inherently flawed style of gameplay. Zero I just upped the ante from here. At its core, the original philosophy remains intact. Jason has his blaster, and his bombs, too. He can also upgrade his guns, as well. But you want to do this, as not only are all of the gun upgrades awesome, with Wave being the end-all, be-all of the guns, but Blaster Master Zero introduces the Weakness system, a great motivation to use most guns in the game. Also, bombs have seen a major nerf, as they no longer have infinite usage, and they also have a cooldown now. But, in turn, they always stun bosses. It’s a solid tradeoff, in my eyes. Also, you get more bomb types in general, all of which are pretty solid. The Nuke one especially, being by far the most broken. Seriously, this shit requires 1 BOX of ammo, and then you can haul ass, doing almost 180 BLASTER SHOTS WORTH OF DAMAGE. It’s absolutely insane. Requiring 5 boxes surely wouldn’t have hurt, no??? Oh, what about the Weapon upgrade system? Welp, they actually made it… fun! In Area 2, you get this upgrade called the Energy Guard, which allows your Gun level to be protected if you take damage, but ONLY if you don’t take sequential damage, as that could bump you down a few tiers. And thus, the perfect balance of difficulty and forgiveness is met, as you still can’t play sloppily, even with it. It’s a solid addition, but hey, what if you’re old school and don’t like the more forgiving nature of the upgrade? Welp, you can always turn that shit off, and to be fair, it does make the game… a WHOLE lot easier, I won’t lie. But you aren’t punished, nor rewarded for playing with it, so I always keep it on. Save for one exception, but I’ll get to that later. But for the most part, they nailed Jason’s gameplay here. I truly think that this is the best that Jason has played in the, what? 4 sequels to Blaster Master? So that alone deserves some praise. So, that just leaves us with a few remaining elements to Blaster Master Zero.
When it comes to the level design of Zero I, it’s the only thing I can really hold over the game’s head. Is it bad? Hell no. It’s just that 2 out of the 9 areas are FUCKING DREADFUL. Okay, I love Zero I as much as the other two Zero games. But I absolutely DREAD Area 7 and 8. Yes, they’re THAT bad, and the reason why Zero I dropped from a low 9/10, to a high 8/10 for me. But it’s still a 10/10 in my heart. When it comes to Metroidvania design, Zero I excels in this regard, But Area 7 and 8? Hell no. This shit goes from Kirby to fucking Super Meat Boy’s Cotton Alley. And I’m not even exaggerating. I know people hate Zero I because it’s “too easy” or whatever. You know why I (lovingly) hate Zero I? These two zones, man. Area 7 and 8 are the Mega Man 9 Wily Stages of Blaster Master Zero. Yeah, I said it. Every mistake you make will pretty much lead to your tank’s demise. Get stunlocked to death because you’re trying to jump out of the stupid lava but then you get hit by the lava and again, oh yay, I’m back at the surface, oops I got hit again, hey, what killed me? If you’ve played Zero I, you know what’s up. Area 7 and 8 are rooted deep in frustrating game design that make them a chore to beat. Especially those rooms with the things that detect your tank that you aren’t low enough to the ground to shoot. So you have to hop into Jason mode to even try to fight them, oh wow, I’m taking a lot of damage, oh shit, I died. FUCK! The 2.5D sections make me want to request a Steam refund, too. Area 8 is a little less bad than Area 8, but yeah, it’s not good, either. But hey, at least the bosses in these areas are pretty sick. Area 7, especially. But, yeah. These final two zones are booty cheeks.
In Area 8, the final Area for most players, you get the epic face-off between the Mutant Lord and Team Sophia. It’s a solely Jason-only fight, but it’s really fun! This is where the weakness system really comes into clutch, as the second phase of the Mutant Lord will keep switching gun weaknesses. The first phase is whatever, but the second one is decently difficult. But after the Mutant Lord falls, Eve congratulates Jason on the victory, and the two head out for the surface, into the night sky. Everything is peaceful… until Eve has to leave to fulfill her purpose, as the mutant fighting machine that she is. It’s a bittersweet leave, as we see how much impact Jason had on Eve, but something isn’t right with Eve. When Jason says that he wants to reunite with Eve one day, she stays silent for a long time, implying that she might not make it back. Leaving Fred behind, she blasts off in Sophia III, leaving Jason alone to stare at the night sky. Thus, concluding Blaster Master Zero.
In a post-credits scene, Eve is shown… much more grotesque than usual, but near the end of her mission. She believes that, perhaps if they had more equipment, they might have succeeded, but she shrugs the idea off. The Mutant Core is a much greater threat than the Mutant Lord, and Eve aims to defeat the Core by detonating Sopia III, with herself in it to defeat the Core, as Sophia III lacked the power to fight the core alone. Forgiving Jason, she flips the self-destruction switch, with her success unknown. It’s such a disturbing note to end the game on. The graphic of Eve is enough to freak me out, but knowing that she may have not succeeded makes it even more ominous. Do you want that to be your reality? Most would probably say no. The rest hate happiness! The ending alone is unpleasant, but the “more equipment” line really gives you the final push for achieving the True Ending, as it hints at what you have to do in order to unlock the final Area. That’s right. You gotta 100% the game.
Blaster Master Zero doesn’t have much in the way when unlocking everything. You just have to get all Tank upgrades and Maps. While Blaster Master Zero has no fast travel, the areas are pretty focused, so backtracking isn’t too tedious. Hell, for the dedicated players, you might get all of the items on your first try. So, the True Ending path isn’t too grueling. Beat the Mutant Lord once again, and the ending plays out similarly. Eve thanks Jason, but this time, knocks him unconscious, with Eve leaving shortly after, crying, off to face the Mutant Core with the fully powered up Sophia III. Fearing Jason’s endangerment, she leaves him be, to take on the Core by herself. Jason wakes up shortly after, Sophia III and Eve nowhere to be seen. Fearing for Eve’s safety, Fred (remember him?) takes him towards Sophia Zero, hey, that’s the title of the game! The free Tank comes with a thousand-dollar message; “To our precious daughter: Please use this machine to protect them.” Signe- KANE AND JENNIFER GARDNER?????? God, Inti Creates, please marry me... For those who don’t know what a MetaFight is, Kane and Jennifer Gardner are the two protagonists of MetaFight. Hmmm... what the fuck is MetaFight? Oh, I don’t know, THE JAPANESE VERSION OF BLASTER MASTER? I LOVE anyone behind this video game series, I swear to god. Anyways, with no time to lose, and Sophia Zero in tow, Jaso- Errrr, technically, Fred blasts off once more to save Eve from her fate.
Area 9 has you play in aforementioned Sophia Zero, a souped up version of Sophia III, with all of the powers intact from the previous iteration. I’m serious. The bomb ability on this shit FUCKS, no jokes. Even with the first boss being Cerberus from Area 7, one of the harder bosses, it doesn’t even stand a chance against Sophia Zero! Only two bomb shots does it for him. No Acceleration Blast, nothing. It’s great. Meanwhile, the best song in the game just blasts in the background. Keep this shit coming, Inti Creates. Area 9 is like playing Vergil in Devil May Cry. It’s a victory lap, essentially. Not much else stands between you and Eve. Sure, you have the boss rush to cap things off, but nothing too daunting to face. And then you come across this... tank thing. It looks familiar, but I don- OH, COME ON INTI CREATES! Am I the only one who thought it looked like a dick? Genuinely. Okay, enough horsing around. It’s time to save Eve! INVEM Sophia, the corrupted Sophia tank, holds Eve hostage, as she’s powerless to stop the mutant influence on Sophia III. Not even Jason can phase the thing, and he drove that shit all game long. Before he knows it, the Tank begins to drive, and Jason books it, back to Sophia Zero he goes. Aw yeah, Tank Vs Tank! This fight is cool as hell. I like it when games make you fight against the abilities you acquired throughout the journey... which ones have done it? Uh, Blaster Master Zero, Blaster Master Zero III... uh... does Devil May Cry 4 count? Anyways, after enough damage to Invem Sophia, you have to rescue the now unconscious Eve from the dying Mutant Core, and then you get to wail on and destroy the Core once and for all. Eve, in her unconscious state, reminisces of her own rescue thanks to Jason, believing it to be a fallacy, before she awakes in front of Jason. Returning to the surface’s starry sky, Eve regains her consciousness, and sees the glorious Sophia Zero, alongside the message from her parents, Kane and Jennifer. Aw... Watching the sunrise with this beautiful landscape in front of them, Jason has a confession to make. What is this confession? Play Zero II to find out!
Blaster Master Zero, from the first time I played it’s demo on the 3DS in 2017, has really stuck with me. Has it gone down in my estimations? Yeah, maybe a little. But nonetheless, I still love it, like the other two Zero games. If this is truly the worst the series has to offer, an 8/10 game, then the other two must be PRETTY damn good. Perhaps one of them stands as one of my favorite games ever made... maybe. Ah, well. All of these games are amazing. I don’t know if I’ll have all of the reviews for Blaster Master Zero out by the time that the Steam Summer Sale ends, but PLEASE play Blaster Master Zero. It reminds me of why I love metroidvanias in general, and stands pretty high on the Metroidvania ranking that will... probably never see the light of day. But yeah, that’s all I have to say on Blaster Master Zero. A masterpiece, in my eyes.
Aaaand, another review done that isn’t Bayonetta Origins! When it comes to the zeusdeegoose bubble, a few things are going on now. First off, we’re nearing 200 followers on this site, and I wanted to thank everyone for their support, once again. It’s kind of crazy to me that we’ve gone from 50 followers, to 100, to nearly 200 in the span of like, 5 months. And one of the games that has undoubtedly helped in my growth is, ironically, Blaster Master Zero III! That review taught me that I actually have to try on Backloggd in order to get big, not be some B-grade Letterboxd user in order to succeed. As many of you know, I don’t hold zeusdeegoose in high regard, so how far I’ve come since is definitely a feat. I don’t have a big review planned for 200 followers, that is, unless I get to it before Zero III, but that remains to be seen. Hey, it can be in the voice of the people, so… ;). But other than that, I have one last announcement; I made a new Discord server! It was getting a bit crowded in the old one, so I decided to renovate it, and I can now say that it’s finally up. Here’s the invite; discord.gg/CUH3RSFSSB. It’s a tight-knit community, but one that can hopefully gain more activity in the future. And yes, before you oldies ask, I still have the [REDACTED] reviews still intact there. Feel free to read the unfinished series if you wish. So, that about wraps up what I wanted to say. I thank you all for your patronage once again, but that does it. June is finally here, schools out, happy Pride Month, go outside. Lord knows I’ll be doing anything but. Can you tell that I’m bad at conclusions?
2011
A 5th Grader's Ocarina of Time.
2002
This review contains spoilers
This game was my bisexual awakening. And what better way to celebrate Pride Month than reviewing Mega Man Zero?!?!?!
Mega Man Zero is a misunderstood classic that ranks among one of the best Mega Man games, and also as one my favorite games of all time. But honestly, yeah, it’s not surprising why it has such a mixed reception among the Mega Man community. The game is very good in my eyes, but leans pretty hard into the difficulty, which absolutely turned off some people, especially with the original GBA release (more on that at 11). However, Mega Man Zero was rereleased on most modern platforms with the release of the Mega Man Zero/ZX Legacy Collection. God, what a mouthful. I don't like abbreviating titles, but I just have to, at this point. MMZ/ZXLC (LMFAOOOOOO) added the Save Assist feature, which was essentially designated Save States with free healing. It's an optional feature, which is good, as I think it makes the games too easy in the scoring department, but most players have opted to leave it enabled. I personally leave it off, but hey, player accessibility should take priority above all else in my eyes. Having it as an option is great, for sure. And for the record, I left them on for my most recent playthrough. I've beaten all but Mega Man Zero 4 without them (and I have some major reservations about that game), and scoring really wasn't a priority for this playthrough. Even then, I still beat the game without many deaths. I've beaten Mega Man Zero several times beforehand, about… 6 or 7 times at this point? I should really start a Hard Mode playthrough at some point… But, without further ado, let's look at Mega Man Zero!
The game kicks off with a mysterious young girl, fairy, and a band of soldiers fighting off a mass of reploids, who look oddly like X. As the men continue to fall, the robots only continue to fire back. Eventually, this only leaves Ciel, and two other soldiers. As the reploids gain distance on the three, they come to a dead end, with a disfigured reploid in the same room, unconscious. Before they can take a look at the young robot, the X reploids arrive at the same room, and promptly kill the two soldiers, leaving only the girl and the fairy. Without any other options, the girl casts the fairy, named Passy, subsequently killing Passy, but revives the reploid, without memory of the past, kickstarting the first stage of the game.
Mega Man Zero takes the best elements of Mega Man X and simply adds to its already great gameplay, but with the tradeoff of having an incredibly high skill ceiling for newer players. It’s an incredibly difficult game to learn, but equally as satisfying to master. Your primary weapon of choice is the Z Saber, a close ranged combat tool, which slices enemies in two, while also doing great damage on its own, being a quintessential tool for combat. Your longer ranged option, the buster shot, is a long ranged tool, but is heavily nerfed from the X days. It does decent damage compared to the Z Saber, but can be charged up, making it a great room clearer. This balance between a great short ranged and long ranged attack plays well into Mega Man Zero’s high skill ceiling. Better players will typically wield the Z Saber a majority of the time, with efficiency and damage on it's side at the cost of putting the own player at risk, while newer players will typically stick with the Buster Shot, due to its solid damage and longer ranged potential, but not being as strong as the Z Saber. Only when you truly get great at the game will you use both in perfect conjunction, as well as the other two, optional weapons; the Shield Boomerang and Triple Rod. Both of these share similar design philosophies to the main two weapons. The Shield Boomerang deflects incoming fire, but lacks a good attack game, and the Triple Rod having a superb ground game, with a neutered air game. Additionally adding to the balance, is the Element Chips. After defeating certain bosses, the player can gain one of three Element Chips. For the love of god, DON'T skip these. They are crucial to succeeding in Mega Man Zero’s relentless combat. On top of being a part of the weakness chain of bosses, they also provide bonuses against enemies. From stunning to burn effects, one should almost always be equipped. I think these were amongst my favorite weapons in Mega Man history. I do like the weapons of traditional Mega Man, but Zero is much better in this regard. Not only do the weapons consume no ammo, encouraging experimentation, they're seamless in the combat. No potentially finicky weapons in the way of your weakness chain, charge and use your weapons like normal. It's certainly less varied, but it's so practical. Charge it up, and bam. Plus, even without elements, the Saber and Buster are needed for optimal times, rather than just spamming the same shot over and over again (hint hint, classic and x series). There's actually a strategy! The amount of depth that Mega Man Zero has is commendable for a GBA game. While the combo game would only keep improving in future games, Zero 1 is still remarkable in this regard. Look up Mega Man Zero: The Ultimate Disrespect, and you'll see what I mean. If Zero gets in Smash 6, he'd become among the most hated platform fighters in a WHILE. Combos are an entirely optional element of the Zero series, but I'm not saying that Zero lacks any tech at all. I'm not going to explain it all, but if you're curious, do look it up for yourself.
Mega Man Zero's high skill ceiling always brings me back for more and more runs. Starting out, Zero is a glass cannon. He can take some hits, but he's a pretty fragile character. This is a pretty big turn off for newcomers, but hear me out. While it's possible to turn Zero into a practically unkillable god, this would take multiple natural playthroughs to do, or takes hours of grinding, which is obviously pretty boring, and even when you do so, your rank suffers from it. Why? The Cyber Elves. These are one time use fairies that either install a permanent upgrade onto Zero, or provide a one-stage effect. Pro tip; avoid relying on these. A majority of them just aren't worth it for the hit to your rank alone. Maybe use the Health up ones, but other than that, they are almost entirely disposable. I usually never use any, except for a Health up or two, which are undoubtedly the ones that anyone should instantly feed and upgrade. But you're definitely tempted to use them, with how dishearteningly oppressive this game's world and difficulty are. Mega Man Zero is among the hardest games in my eyes, especially for casuals. You will get your shit promptly wrecked if you aren't careful. Enemies deal massive damage, instant kills are prominent, and the bosses can be pretty brutal. But MAN, crushing that A Rank always feels great. I always feel like my Rank parallels my own skill level with Mega Man Zero. And keeping that A Rank ain't easy. My 7th Grade English Teacher always told me, “You get a Free A when you enter this classroom, but you have to be able to uphold it.” Compare that to Mega Man Zero. If I'm eating shit one too many times, it always feels like my fault that I got a D Rank. The bosses and enemy design is almost perfectly fair. The stages allow you to speed through with grace, so long as you take the time to learn them. The game responds accordingly to your skill level, by adding some new boss attacks at A Rank or higher. And when you nail that A Rank, it's an immaculate feeling. Oh yeah, can I talk about the BOSSES?
First off, this gangster-ass song. Secondly, good. LORD. These bosses are goddamn awesome. The most perfectly challenging (but screw you Phantom), thrilling boss fights in gaming history. When you hear those loud-ass sirens, you know it's about to be a good beat down. The bosses truly feel intimidating, potentially even stronger than Zero himself. They can easily kill you off in seconds. They're quick, but all of their attacks are dodgeable. It's just a matter of actually getting skilled at the video game. You no longer feel like the lone Reploid. You ARE the lone Reploid, fighting for dear life, as he knows that only he Zero, can save the day. X and Axl may be gone, but Zero's still kicking ass. Anyways, what was I talking about? Oh, yeah. Anyways, the bosses are awesome. Yeah, not much more to say. All of them were bangers for the most part.
Of course, no game is perfect. I don’t have many major qualms with Mega Man Zero overall. It’s a foundationally solid game, but one with a few too many flaws, keeping it from a perfect 10/10 in my eyes. For one, fuck the Retry Chips system. Okay... “fuck” is a strong word. I just had to get my “fuck” quota out of the way. Anyways, on paper, the Retry System is similar to Devil May Cry’s Yellow Orbs. But the issue is that Retry Chips are scarce as hell in Mega Man Zero. In Devil May Cry, not only is Devil May Cry more forgiving in general, it's always super easy to find more. And if you can't find more, you always have the option of buying them. I'm not saying Mega Man Zero needs a shop, but upping the drop rate of them would be well appreciated. Now, as someone who's beaten Mega Man Zero several times, I could care less about not having the Retry Chips. I can very easily clear the game without any. But for newer players, this is a very punishing system. Because when you run out of Retry Chips, you're straight up out of Retry Chips. You don't get 2 extras upon finishing a mission; honestly the best way to fix this issue in this eyes. Also, note that when you Game Over, that's it. You can either give up on the mission and skip it (NEVER do this), or reload your save. And that can be a killer for some stages. Like PROTECT THE FACTORY!!! Easily the WORST stage in the game, in part to the GBA’s awful screen crunch. If I had like, 5 or 6 more pixels, this stage would be SO much better. You have these safe zones above moving platforms suspended in midair, but they're just BARELY low enough to see on the screen, so you have to awkwardly wall jump in order to see the platforms. This ruined an otherwise solid mission. I just straight up skip this mission whenever playing casually. It's too annoying to put up with. D Rank my ass for all that I care. Also, this is more of a nitpick, but I gotta say, Mega Man Zero would greatly benefit from some kind of tutorial. You're thrown into all these different systems and missions at once, and it's pretty difficult to get into the groove of things. Almost everything that I praised about Mega Man Zero is poorly explained, in my eyes. So 1 or 2 tutorials here or there would be well appreciated. And finally, a very small nitpick, Weapon Level Ups are weirdly irritating to me. I'm fine with unlocking the combos, but Charging should be a default IMO.
I usually never cover stories in my reviews, but for the Mega Man Zero series, I have to make an exception, because Mega Man Zero has a pretty cool story. It doesn’t go as hard as the following entries, but I still think it’s enjoyable from start to finish. As I previously stated, after a deep sleep, Zero awakens from his 100-year slumber, after Sigma was defeated in the X Series. But a lot can happen in a 100-year time span. Disregarding Zero, there’s seemingly no survivors from the X Series. X, Ailia, Axl? Nope. They’re all gone. After the final confrontation with Sigma, a new government, dubbed Neo Arcadia, would be formed out of what was left in the X Series. However, the Neo Arcadians are highly unjust, slaying any Reploids that come their way. Ciel, a young girl, would flee Neo Arcadia and form a Resistance, believing that the Reploids were wrongly executed. This is where Zero, in a coma at this point, comes in and saves Ciel. Zero is truly the last hope for the Resistance. As we saw in the intro, the Neo Arcadians aren’t afraid to get their hands dirty for their own sake. So, Zero agrees to help fight back, to save the Reploid race. While I did state that X was technically deceased, he lives on in two different forms. X, the X we see in Mega Man X, and Copy X, a false X, and the leader of Neo Arcadia, created by Ciel, having a crucial flaw of lacking any sense of moral judgment. X assists Zero, by giving him his saber, while Copy X only wants to see Zero’s ashes. And stopping Copy X ain’t easy either. Because, at his disposal are the Four Guardians, Sage Harpuia, the hot one, Fairy Leviathan, the one that wants the D:/ drive and fast, Fighting Fefnir, the token hothead of the bunch, and Hidden Phantom, the cool ninja one. I really like these four. They’re pretty intimidating, having a unique battle intro theme, that sounds… holy??? IDK, but it’s still cool, but who cares. Oh yeah, can I talk about Zero 1’s stellar world building? Zero 1 is a semi-open world game. Sure, you can always stick down in the Resistance, but do a few dozen wall jumps, and you’re on the surface! Almost everything is connected in Mega Man Zero, and missions also affect the world as well. After the “Retrieve Data” mission, the Underground Laboratory is permanently locked off, as the area begins to collapse when Maha Ganeshariff is defeated. It’s a nice attention to detail, and it actually made me care about what happened to the world. Speaking of the world, once all missions are fully completed, Zero can finally head straight for Neo Arcadia, with the help of Spirit X. After Ciel says her goodbyes, it’s time to get Copy X’s head on a wall! The final missions are also pretty solid, but that leaves us with the final battle. Copy X vs Zero! This is, in my opinion, the hardest of the fights in the game. Copy X, specifically his second phase, does pretty crazy damage. It’s not impossible by any means, but I did almost Game Over on my first try. But, after Copy X is defeated, Neo Arcadia begins to fall, leaving Zero alone in the Desert, with Spirit X passing over the torch to Zero. Shortly after this happens, Zero notices a horde of Reploids coming towards him. With no other option, the war on Neo Arcadia begins, as Zero tears straight through the robot, concluding Mega Man Zero
Casting aside my gripes with Mega Man Zero, Mega Man Zero is a one of a kind masterpiece. It's up there with the best GBA games in my eyes. It's one of the most challenging, but also most replayable games that I've played thus far. Its low points are definitely pretty low, though, which is why I hesitate to give it a perfect 5 star. I still do love it though, and it’s been a constant replay of mine over the years. I recommend giving it a shot if you can. If you didn’t like it at first, I may suggest turning on the checkpoints in the Switch release, which seems to be a popular option among fans. But, that’s all I have to say right now. Zero 1 is a pretty good game!
okay imma go back to bayonetta origins now i swear….
Mega Man Zero is a misunderstood classic that ranks among one of the best Mega Man games, and also as one my favorite games of all time. But honestly, yeah, it’s not surprising why it has such a mixed reception among the Mega Man community. The game is very good in my eyes, but leans pretty hard into the difficulty, which absolutely turned off some people, especially with the original GBA release (more on that at 11). However, Mega Man Zero was rereleased on most modern platforms with the release of the Mega Man Zero/ZX Legacy Collection. God, what a mouthful. I don't like abbreviating titles, but I just have to, at this point. MMZ/ZXLC (LMFAOOOOOO) added the Save Assist feature, which was essentially designated Save States with free healing. It's an optional feature, which is good, as I think it makes the games too easy in the scoring department, but most players have opted to leave it enabled. I personally leave it off, but hey, player accessibility should take priority above all else in my eyes. Having it as an option is great, for sure. And for the record, I left them on for my most recent playthrough. I've beaten all but Mega Man Zero 4 without them (and I have some major reservations about that game), and scoring really wasn't a priority for this playthrough. Even then, I still beat the game without many deaths. I've beaten Mega Man Zero several times beforehand, about… 6 or 7 times at this point? I should really start a Hard Mode playthrough at some point… But, without further ado, let's look at Mega Man Zero!
The game kicks off with a mysterious young girl, fairy, and a band of soldiers fighting off a mass of reploids, who look oddly like X. As the men continue to fall, the robots only continue to fire back. Eventually, this only leaves Ciel, and two other soldiers. As the reploids gain distance on the three, they come to a dead end, with a disfigured reploid in the same room, unconscious. Before they can take a look at the young robot, the X reploids arrive at the same room, and promptly kill the two soldiers, leaving only the girl and the fairy. Without any other options, the girl casts the fairy, named Passy, subsequently killing Passy, but revives the reploid, without memory of the past, kickstarting the first stage of the game.
Mega Man Zero takes the best elements of Mega Man X and simply adds to its already great gameplay, but with the tradeoff of having an incredibly high skill ceiling for newer players. It’s an incredibly difficult game to learn, but equally as satisfying to master. Your primary weapon of choice is the Z Saber, a close ranged combat tool, which slices enemies in two, while also doing great damage on its own, being a quintessential tool for combat. Your longer ranged option, the buster shot, is a long ranged tool, but is heavily nerfed from the X days. It does decent damage compared to the Z Saber, but can be charged up, making it a great room clearer. This balance between a great short ranged and long ranged attack plays well into Mega Man Zero’s high skill ceiling. Better players will typically wield the Z Saber a majority of the time, with efficiency and damage on it's side at the cost of putting the own player at risk, while newer players will typically stick with the Buster Shot, due to its solid damage and longer ranged potential, but not being as strong as the Z Saber. Only when you truly get great at the game will you use both in perfect conjunction, as well as the other two, optional weapons; the Shield Boomerang and Triple Rod. Both of these share similar design philosophies to the main two weapons. The Shield Boomerang deflects incoming fire, but lacks a good attack game, and the Triple Rod having a superb ground game, with a neutered air game. Additionally adding to the balance, is the Element Chips. After defeating certain bosses, the player can gain one of three Element Chips. For the love of god, DON'T skip these. They are crucial to succeeding in Mega Man Zero’s relentless combat. On top of being a part of the weakness chain of bosses, they also provide bonuses against enemies. From stunning to burn effects, one should almost always be equipped. I think these were amongst my favorite weapons in Mega Man history. I do like the weapons of traditional Mega Man, but Zero is much better in this regard. Not only do the weapons consume no ammo, encouraging experimentation, they're seamless in the combat. No potentially finicky weapons in the way of your weakness chain, charge and use your weapons like normal. It's certainly less varied, but it's so practical. Charge it up, and bam. Plus, even without elements, the Saber and Buster are needed for optimal times, rather than just spamming the same shot over and over again (hint hint, classic and x series). There's actually a strategy! The amount of depth that Mega Man Zero has is commendable for a GBA game. While the combo game would only keep improving in future games, Zero 1 is still remarkable in this regard. Look up Mega Man Zero: The Ultimate Disrespect, and you'll see what I mean. If Zero gets in Smash 6, he'd become among the most hated platform fighters in a WHILE. Combos are an entirely optional element of the Zero series, but I'm not saying that Zero lacks any tech at all. I'm not going to explain it all, but if you're curious, do look it up for yourself.
Mega Man Zero's high skill ceiling always brings me back for more and more runs. Starting out, Zero is a glass cannon. He can take some hits, but he's a pretty fragile character. This is a pretty big turn off for newcomers, but hear me out. While it's possible to turn Zero into a practically unkillable god, this would take multiple natural playthroughs to do, or takes hours of grinding, which is obviously pretty boring, and even when you do so, your rank suffers from it. Why? The Cyber Elves. These are one time use fairies that either install a permanent upgrade onto Zero, or provide a one-stage effect. Pro tip; avoid relying on these. A majority of them just aren't worth it for the hit to your rank alone. Maybe use the Health up ones, but other than that, they are almost entirely disposable. I usually never use any, except for a Health up or two, which are undoubtedly the ones that anyone should instantly feed and upgrade. But you're definitely tempted to use them, with how dishearteningly oppressive this game's world and difficulty are. Mega Man Zero is among the hardest games in my eyes, especially for casuals. You will get your shit promptly wrecked if you aren't careful. Enemies deal massive damage, instant kills are prominent, and the bosses can be pretty brutal. But MAN, crushing that A Rank always feels great. I always feel like my Rank parallels my own skill level with Mega Man Zero. And keeping that A Rank ain't easy. My 7th Grade English Teacher always told me, “You get a Free A when you enter this classroom, but you have to be able to uphold it.” Compare that to Mega Man Zero. If I'm eating shit one too many times, it always feels like my fault that I got a D Rank. The bosses and enemy design is almost perfectly fair. The stages allow you to speed through with grace, so long as you take the time to learn them. The game responds accordingly to your skill level, by adding some new boss attacks at A Rank or higher. And when you nail that A Rank, it's an immaculate feeling. Oh yeah, can I talk about the BOSSES?
First off, this gangster-ass song. Secondly, good. LORD. These bosses are goddamn awesome. The most perfectly challenging (but screw you Phantom), thrilling boss fights in gaming history. When you hear those loud-ass sirens, you know it's about to be a good beat down. The bosses truly feel intimidating, potentially even stronger than Zero himself. They can easily kill you off in seconds. They're quick, but all of their attacks are dodgeable. It's just a matter of actually getting skilled at the video game. You no longer feel like the lone Reploid. You ARE the lone Reploid, fighting for dear life, as he knows that only he Zero, can save the day. X and Axl may be gone, but Zero's still kicking ass. Anyways, what was I talking about? Oh, yeah. Anyways, the bosses are awesome. Yeah, not much more to say. All of them were bangers for the most part.
Of course, no game is perfect. I don’t have many major qualms with Mega Man Zero overall. It’s a foundationally solid game, but one with a few too many flaws, keeping it from a perfect 10/10 in my eyes. For one, fuck the Retry Chips system. Okay... “fuck” is a strong word. I just had to get my “fuck” quota out of the way. Anyways, on paper, the Retry System is similar to Devil May Cry’s Yellow Orbs. But the issue is that Retry Chips are scarce as hell in Mega Man Zero. In Devil May Cry, not only is Devil May Cry more forgiving in general, it's always super easy to find more. And if you can't find more, you always have the option of buying them. I'm not saying Mega Man Zero needs a shop, but upping the drop rate of them would be well appreciated. Now, as someone who's beaten Mega Man Zero several times, I could care less about not having the Retry Chips. I can very easily clear the game without any. But for newer players, this is a very punishing system. Because when you run out of Retry Chips, you're straight up out of Retry Chips. You don't get 2 extras upon finishing a mission; honestly the best way to fix this issue in this eyes. Also, note that when you Game Over, that's it. You can either give up on the mission and skip it (NEVER do this), or reload your save. And that can be a killer for some stages. Like PROTECT THE FACTORY!!! Easily the WORST stage in the game, in part to the GBA’s awful screen crunch. If I had like, 5 or 6 more pixels, this stage would be SO much better. You have these safe zones above moving platforms suspended in midair, but they're just BARELY low enough to see on the screen, so you have to awkwardly wall jump in order to see the platforms. This ruined an otherwise solid mission. I just straight up skip this mission whenever playing casually. It's too annoying to put up with. D Rank my ass for all that I care. Also, this is more of a nitpick, but I gotta say, Mega Man Zero would greatly benefit from some kind of tutorial. You're thrown into all these different systems and missions at once, and it's pretty difficult to get into the groove of things. Almost everything that I praised about Mega Man Zero is poorly explained, in my eyes. So 1 or 2 tutorials here or there would be well appreciated. And finally, a very small nitpick, Weapon Level Ups are weirdly irritating to me. I'm fine with unlocking the combos, but Charging should be a default IMO.
I usually never cover stories in my reviews, but for the Mega Man Zero series, I have to make an exception, because Mega Man Zero has a pretty cool story. It doesn’t go as hard as the following entries, but I still think it’s enjoyable from start to finish. As I previously stated, after a deep sleep, Zero awakens from his 100-year slumber, after Sigma was defeated in the X Series. But a lot can happen in a 100-year time span. Disregarding Zero, there’s seemingly no survivors from the X Series. X, Ailia, Axl? Nope. They’re all gone. After the final confrontation with Sigma, a new government, dubbed Neo Arcadia, would be formed out of what was left in the X Series. However, the Neo Arcadians are highly unjust, slaying any Reploids that come their way. Ciel, a young girl, would flee Neo Arcadia and form a Resistance, believing that the Reploids were wrongly executed. This is where Zero, in a coma at this point, comes in and saves Ciel. Zero is truly the last hope for the Resistance. As we saw in the intro, the Neo Arcadians aren’t afraid to get their hands dirty for their own sake. So, Zero agrees to help fight back, to save the Reploid race. While I did state that X was technically deceased, he lives on in two different forms. X, the X we see in Mega Man X, and Copy X, a false X, and the leader of Neo Arcadia, created by Ciel, having a crucial flaw of lacking any sense of moral judgment. X assists Zero, by giving him his saber, while Copy X only wants to see Zero’s ashes. And stopping Copy X ain’t easy either. Because, at his disposal are the Four Guardians, Sage Harpuia, the hot one, Fairy Leviathan, the one that wants the D:/ drive and fast, Fighting Fefnir, the token hothead of the bunch, and Hidden Phantom, the cool ninja one. I really like these four. They’re pretty intimidating, having a unique battle intro theme, that sounds… holy??? IDK, but it’s still cool, but who cares. Oh yeah, can I talk about Zero 1’s stellar world building? Zero 1 is a semi-open world game. Sure, you can always stick down in the Resistance, but do a few dozen wall jumps, and you’re on the surface! Almost everything is connected in Mega Man Zero, and missions also affect the world as well. After the “Retrieve Data” mission, the Underground Laboratory is permanently locked off, as the area begins to collapse when Maha Ganeshariff is defeated. It’s a nice attention to detail, and it actually made me care about what happened to the world. Speaking of the world, once all missions are fully completed, Zero can finally head straight for Neo Arcadia, with the help of Spirit X. After Ciel says her goodbyes, it’s time to get Copy X’s head on a wall! The final missions are also pretty solid, but that leaves us with the final battle. Copy X vs Zero! This is, in my opinion, the hardest of the fights in the game. Copy X, specifically his second phase, does pretty crazy damage. It’s not impossible by any means, but I did almost Game Over on my first try. But, after Copy X is defeated, Neo Arcadia begins to fall, leaving Zero alone in the Desert, with Spirit X passing over the torch to Zero. Shortly after this happens, Zero notices a horde of Reploids coming towards him. With no other option, the war on Neo Arcadia begins, as Zero tears straight through the robot, concluding Mega Man Zero
Casting aside my gripes with Mega Man Zero, Mega Man Zero is a one of a kind masterpiece. It's up there with the best GBA games in my eyes. It's one of the most challenging, but also most replayable games that I've played thus far. Its low points are definitely pretty low, though, which is why I hesitate to give it a perfect 5 star. I still do love it though, and it’s been a constant replay of mine over the years. I recommend giving it a shot if you can. If you didn’t like it at first, I may suggest turning on the checkpoints in the Switch release, which seems to be a popular option among fans. But, that’s all I have to say right now. Zero 1 is a pretty good game!
okay imma go back to bayonetta origins now i swear….
2016
How do you genuinely fumble the bag on a port of NES games I'm crying
The Bayonetta of Mega Man 10.
See? I told you it fit within the Bayonetta marathon.
See? I told you it fit within the Bayonetta marathon.
2022
(CLAP, CLAP!) SHIP REVIEW!
Since there's two characters in Bayonetta 3, you get two different jokes. Hallelujah. This game is what I like to call the “Seven Sirens Syndrome” (a term coined by the wonderful @yuzrnaime).
…Bayonetta 3. What. In the absolute FUCK was pre-release period for this game??? Bayonetta 3 was announced at the nigh end of 2017, and while the trailer looked intriguing (most notably with Bayonetta straight up dying in the trailer, too), we didn't see any gameplay for over 4 years, only getting held over with the “Oh, don't worry, it's not canceled frfr”. And then out of nowhere, in September of 2021, we FINALLY got the first trailer, and yeah, I was pretty hyped. Time passed, Hellena Taylor hurled accusations at Platinum Games, no more Hellena Taylor, boycott Bayonetta 3 because she was underpaid, oh wait, she lied, revenge-buy Bayonetta 3. Oh, wait, THAT WAS A MISTAKE, TOO. This game's prerelease was a disaster, and that summarizes most of my thoughts on Bayonetta 3, unfortunately. You can tell that this game went through an extremely troubled development. For a game which took 5 years, it feels very... off-putting. Not bad, of course, it's still a Platinum Games title at the end of the day, but something just doesn't click with me that Bayonetta 1 and 2 did. But, with that being said, it's time to discuss why Bayonetta 3 is easily the weakest title in the series. Frequent rant warning, folks. This one’s gonna be a bumpy ride...
Right off the bat, Bayonetta 3 starts AMAZINGLY, much like the previous games. While it’s not as action packed, it leaves a surprisingly lasting impression that’s actually somewhat emotional. In the first battle, Bayonetta is doing her stereotypical Bayonetta thing. Fighting and fighting, until the bitter end against a dark entity, but UNLIKE usual, she’s eating straight ass. It’s a great contrast between the hyper action packed intros of before, as it has that action, but it’s definitely neutered compared to before. Fitting the tone, Bayonetta straight up DIES. Like, flat-out, shattered into the red orbs of Devil May Cry. Hey, point the gun away from your head, I want to hear Platinum out first, for as much as I can in this genuine shit show. Cut to Sigurd, some random soldier who I presume is close to Viola, a Saints Row 2022 looking-ass character, where Bayonetta’s… something is absorbed into Viola. The entity kills Sigurd off too, leaving Viola alone. With that, Viola retreats into… fucking Manhattan??? Hey, my dad grew up in New York, so I appreciate the shout out, but the city, alongside a girl who looks ODDLY like Cereza, and a guy who sounds AWFULLY like Enzo, are all completely fine, and that’s when I realized, that combined with the monologe about branching paths in the intro, that Bayonetta 3 is a fucking multiverse story. A MULTIVERSE STORY in BAYONETTA. Shit, man. Bayonetta 1 and 2 never had the greatest story to begin with (hence why I barely talked about them), so I’m flabbergasted as to why they even attempted this in the third entry, no less. But hey, let’s hold our “Shit Within”. Maybe it’ll actually be good? NOPE!!! Okay, so Cereza (we’ll call her that for the time being), and… Eggman, alongside… Rodin (i don’t have a good name sorry)??? are all New Yorker-ized, just your average day. But of course, this is a Bayonetta game, so shit gets WACKY! Rodin notices a storm approaching, and Cereza activates her Spider Within to hear someone calling for help. She says something about… a destined time and date to Eggman, as they arrive at a cruise ship dock. Cereza, being Cereza, dresses up for the occasion, and god. I can’t help but notice already.
These graphics are so disappointing, man. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that even Bayonetta 1 looked better; hell, at least it had a consistent style from beginning to end. Bayonetta 2 followed suit, being extremely colorful with incredibly detailed environments, and made one of the best looking Wii U and Nintendo Switch games. 3 looks rather rough in comparison. It’s not ugly per-se, but it’s far below the quality of other Nintendo-produced (or at the very least ASSISTED) games on the Nintendo Switch. Shit, if you squint enough, it looks like Sonic Frontiers on Switch. The first 2 Bayonettas look great, and still do to this day, but 3 looks and feels a lot worse to play. The frame pacing in cutscenes is rather nauseating, the shadows look off on the characters, and overall, I’d say that the models fall far below the quality of Bayonetta 2’s. Not to mention, the really bad frame drops on Switch. I played on Yuzu as I’ve previously said, but I’ve heard horror stories about Bayonetta 3 on Switch. A shame, really. Because we have so many great looking games on Switch, some even coming from Platinum themselves. Astral Chain, Metroid Prime Remastered, Super Mario Odyssey, Luigi’s Mansion 3, Smash Ultimate, some of the best looking Switch games, with most having rock solid performance too. Hell, Bayonetta 3 is one of those Switch games that run at a sub-720p resolution in handheld mode and it looks REALLY fucking rough. I don’t understand why so many Switch games run at sub-720 in handheld mode when they support well above that in Docked Mode. That’s a leg up on Bayonetta 1 and 2 being locked to 720p Docked on Switch, but those games were also 720p on Handheld, the way it should be. You lose an incredible amount of visual clarity without it as the Switch is a decently sized display, and on Handheld, it just looks awful. And seeing Bayonetta 3 still struggle to run on real hardware with THESE kinds of visuals, noticeable pop-in in tow, is quite disappointing to me. Hell, emulators still struggle to maintain a solid FPS with it. Once again, I played on an emulator (using Ryujinx this time, Yuzu kept crashing), and while 2 maintained a solid FPS throughout, Bayonetta 3 was LAG CENTRAL. Hell, it stopped working at a certain point (I needed to enable Vulkan + Texture compression). Nintendo really needs to step up their hardware, because when it’s hurting such a high profile release, it’s very sad to see. But, gripes aside, back to the story.
Viola quite literally falls on Enzo, demanding to see Bayonetta once mor- SUDDENLY, FLOOD! How in the FUCK did nobody notice it until now? What, did Flood Watches not exist in this tim- SUDDENLY, RODIN! Comes up and smacks the ever loving fuck out of the demon who made the flood occur. Bayonetta rides the cruise ship on top of the flood, and you know the drill by now. Bayonetta dances her way through the enemies, clothes get cut, BAYONETTA COMBAT TIME!!! Oh, and Moonlight Serenade. Not as good as Fly Me To The Moon or Moon River, but I still really like it.
Bayonetta 3’s combat mechanics are… solid. At least, in theory. As said nearly a hundred times over at this point, Bayonetta 3 returns with the delay based combos, present in Bayonetta 2, 1, and Devil May Cry. Weapons return from Bayonetta 2, but the Umbran Climax has been reworked into a “Demon Slave” mechanic, summoned by the power of the left trigger. Bayonetta 2’s Umbran Climax was fun, but incredibly overpowered. Bayonetta received a constant stream of health, with her attacks all being turned into devastating Wicked Weaves. In Bayonetta 3, the strength element remains, but leaves Bayonetta vulnerable as the demon only stays out as she dances, while the monster attacks for Bayonetta. Hence the term, Demon Slave. I appreciate the added combat strategy, as Umbran Climax was far lacking in that, but Demon Slave is a bit more skill based, akin to V from DMCV, I felt rather disconnected from combat when I used it. It’s theoretically a little better than Bayonetta 2’s Umbran Climax, but… it still doesn’t feel all that great. If anything, I kind of preferred 2’s because you always felt like the badass slaying all of the monsters. Instead, you get a demon to do the dirty work? Lame! And that also somehow makes Bayonetta 3 BY FAR the easiest in the franchise. I barely died, outside of challenges and the like. It’s SUPER fucking easy, and I played on Hard Mode on my first playthrough, too. Bayonetta 3’s enemies are woefully pathetic. Even on Hard mode, they were shockingly slow and easy to kill. No longer do they resist you like Bayonetta 2, you can wail on them to your heart’s content, and by god, these designs just flat out suck. They all blend in, all being built on the same, boring, robotic designs. Additionally, they removed the item caps from the shop, a dumb as hell move on the developer’s part. And since, like Bayonetta 2, there are no punishments for using items, you can haul absolute ASS in this game. At least Bayonetta 2 tried to limit your items, and while that didn't solve the issue with items and scoring, it still felt well balanced. But with the currency divided between upgrades, costumes, and items in Bayonetta 3 (an idea that’s not bad on paper), items are of little risk to buy since your upgrades don’t suffer from it. Item prices needed to be tuned all the way up, or the items had to be severely nerfed for this to be a good change. Bayonetta 1 and 2’s currency forced you to understand the game’s combat in order to get more skills. If you were good at the game, the Concoction Menu still let you get items for free; hell, I bet some of you never even knew Concoction existed until now. Buying items directly takes away from your currency in which you buy even better techniques from. In Bayonetta 3, this fact is of no issue. I bought 20 goddamn MEGA herbs at the end of the SECOND mission, and still had a lot more money to spare. THAT alone proves how easy Bayonetta 3 is. Want 8 Hot Shots for practically nothing? There you go, you’re practically immortal, now! Because of this, I was basically on autopilot for the entire journey, because the game is so easy to break. Big hit? Oh, just use my 9 million Herbs that I have! Hard Mode, my ass. What we need is a “Witch Must Die” mode or something, as the Bayonetta series gets disappointingly easier with each game. As it stands, Bayonetta 3 is easily a contender for my least favorite in the series for this fact alone. Sure, Bayonetta was a pretty brutal game, and Bayonetta 2 had issues with scoring, but it always put up a good fight. Bayonetta 3, once again, fails to live to the standards of 1 and 2, by being one of the easiest games ever released. You could argue that Bayonetta 3 is meant to introduce newcomers I guess, but even then, Bayonetta 2 did a better job at that. This leaves Bayonetta 3 unengaging for a large majority of it's runtime, and it unfortunately only gets worse from here on out.
Although the Demon Slave has several fatal flaws, to give Bayonetta 3 a genuine compliment, they do something kind of cool with this, where your demons are linked to the weapon you use. Neat shit. It’s a bit more limiting than Bayonetta 2, as you had hands and foot slots, but I’ll… allow it to slide. JUST this once. The weapons themselves are as solid as Bayonetta 2’s, in my eyes, although the variety isn’t as strong. My personal favorite was the yoyos, which provide an excellent balance between close-quarters and mid-ranged attacks. I usually never used the big club, which did great damage but was slow as fuck, because unless you made Devil May Cry 5, it’s usually not my favorite pick for an action game weapon. But the rest are fun, and I did like experimenting with them. And, oh yeah. Torture attacks are now gone too, now you just press 2 buttons, and bam. It's better flowing, but it still feels… so unlike Bayonetta. I don’t know how to say i- SUDDENLY, JEANS! Sporting a more hippie attire, she fights with Bayonetta against this large, tentacle monster thingy, before promptly getting eaten alive by some Penis Flytrap. Damn, is this fucking Endgame? They’re killing everyone like it’s nothing! Oh, nevermind, Jeans is saved by Madame Butterf- SUDDENLY, GIANT FISH? Before getting smacked by a massive building, never to be seen again. What was the point of that??? Anyways, after the massive flood, Cereza, Eggman, Jeans, and Rodin retreat to The Gates of Hell to watch the news, or something. Yeah, Eggman straight up LOST his entire family in that flood. Anyways, Viola introduces the entire multiverse structure, they can't manually control it but they go to Thule where all of the universes lie... IDK. I was already tuned out, man. Anyways, soon enough, Variant Bayonetta in this universe, she’s a super high tech yoyo spider wield- aaaand she dies anyways. Cool. Cut to one of the worst minigames in the entire series, then, the Monster Fighting Game. I don’t know how they made a fighting game character with slower attacks than Ganondorf, but hey, you do you. Then cut to THE worst mini game in the series... FUCKING. KHAKI. JEANS.
Yes, in Bayonetta 3, there are fucking 2D STEALTH MISSIONS. Bayonetta, you sure are one mysterious destiny. Nope, we can’t make her playable in the mainline story, eat shit, Jeanne. All you do is walk around, one shot everything, bam, move on with your life while you do... stuff. Are these supposed to be funny or something? It’s not funny enough to warrant FOUR ENTIRE CHAPTERS to this braindead nonsense. It’s SO boring and tedious, that this is where I started to lose all hope for Bayonetta 3 EVER being better than 1 and 2. And unfortunately, Bayonetta 3 never gets better from those very lofty heights.
Because eventually, you have to play as Viola... and this is. Fine. Not bad, not great, just. Okay. Okay, so unlike Bayonetta, she wields a Katana, and only has one Demon Slave, Chesire, who automatically attacks alongside Viola. Okay... not really that different than Bayonett- WHAT IN THE FUCK IS HER WITCH TIME??? She has to PARRY attacks, which REALLY fucks with my muscle memory, and her combo game is bland. Unlike Bayonetta, who actually has fun mechanics, even in 3, Viola genuinely has NO SAUCE. No fun combo game, no other abilities, nothing! She’s so lame, man. She’s not different enough to warrant a whole ass character, and her playstyle is even worse than Bayonetta’s. Because of this, Viola is easily one of the worst characters in action game history. She’s so MID. Fuck, man. Each time I played as her, I let out a giant, massive SIGH, man. And BTW, she’s so FUCKING annoying. “my name is v-i-o-l-a VIOLA!!!!” Shut UP, man.
And, of course this wouldn't be a Bayonetta 3 review without mentioning the godawful story and ending. Oh my god, that fucking ending, man. It's so BAD. Okay, so after Jeanne dies (LMFAOOOOOO), Bayonetta fights Singularity, but out of fucking NOWHERE, is assisted by all of the Bayonettas from across the multiverse… before including two different Bayonettas... from BAYONETTA 1 and 2... and then Bayonetta 1 and 2 merge with 3- what the fuck??? Did Umbran Witches have this ability all along? And then Bayonetta 3 (the third incarnation of Bayonetta) dies after the fight with Singularity because she exhausted her strength (Persona 3, much?)so now all Bayonettas are dead, but then Luka... hugs Bayonetta... oh, Christ almighty... they both die... that’s it??? WHAT IN THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?!? Okay, first of all, the elephant in the room. Bayonetta’s sexuality. Folks, I know that Bayonetta was hailed as our Lesbian Queen prior to Bayonetta 3, where she flirted with Jeanne, LIVED TOGETHER with he- what the fuck??? You’re telling me after Bayonetta 2, after Bayonetta quite LITERALLY went to HELL and BACK just to save her that they’re just good FRIENDS??? Okay, I guess they never had an active relationship on screen, I guess, and I was mostly pissing around with the “lesbianism” jokes of the earlier reviews. But the same could be as equally said for LUKA, and before you say I’m bi-phobic or some shit (cough cough Gayming), hear me out, as a bisexual myself. First of all, I don’t object to Bayonetta having a heterosexual relationship, but what I DO object to is Luka’s lack of character development. WHO in the Story department put this fucking JIZZER with Bayonetta??? In Bayonetta 1 and 2, they never went past teasing, but Bayonetta did that with EVERYBODY. Luka made an ass out of himself because he WANTED that ass, but Bayonetta never felt the same way! That was the joke! Like Amy and Sonic, it was played off as a simple joke. But you're telling me that it's Knuckles and Rouge now? Bitch, please! They have borderline NO chemistry throughout the entire game. If Bayonetta and Luka were going to “Hit The Climax!”, let's say, then their relationship needed to matter a WHOLE lot more throughout the game. Better yet, why doesn't Viola chat with her Mother before she's banished to Inferno. No??? SHE JUST SITS THERE WATCHING ON??? OKAY!
Thirdly, this presents a fatal flaw in how Viola even EXISTS to begin with. Okay, so let's say, hypothetically, Bayonetta and Luka... fucked. Okay, that's one thing. But that presents a major problem. WHO'S VARIANTS ARE VIOLA’S PARENTS??? It CAN'T be the Luka we see; otherwise, why would Bayonetta 3 accept a kiss from a complete STRANGER? And, either way, if Bayonetta 3 was the mother of Viola, she would certainly recognize her own child in the prologue, no??? If in the grand scheme of things, Luka and Bayonetta were destined to be, and Luka and Bayonetta are destined to give birth to Viola (which isn’t even true based on the variant Bayonettas being seen without Luka), then where are Viola’s variants??? I’d doubt that Luka himself would be able to time travel, fucking everybody in the neighborhood, my guy just followed Bayonetta! Yeah, if you couldn't tell, THIS STORY FUCKING SUCKS. And I'm not done just yet, finally, WHERE DID THE OTHER TWO BAYONETTAS COME FROM? I can buy that variants exist in a multiverse story, believe me. Spiderverse 2 is amongst my favorite movies of all time. But isn't this the fated day where Singularity wins? You mean to tell me that Bayonetta 1 and 2 were two different timelines? THAT'S BULLSHIT. Bayonetta 2 takes place a few months after the first one. You mean to tell me that (the character) Bayonetta 1 time traveled a few months back only for Singularity to fuck shit up during that time? You mean to tell me Bayonetta 3 is a completely separate entity from the other Bayonettas? Sure, Bayonetta has done time travel before, but hasn't broken its own rules to such an extent. Maybe this has something to do with Bayonetta: Bloody Fate, but THAT’S an adaptation, NOT a different story line. Sure, in Bayonetta 1, Bayonetta did help Cereza go back to her own timeline, which was referenced in Bayonetta 2, but that was a ONE. TIME. OCCURRENCE! This is amongst the most PRETENTIOUS stories that I've ever seen in GAMING, with its head stuck up its own ass for most of the runtime. It GENUINELY pisses me off that they decide to kill off Bayonetta AND Jeanne, two INCREDIBLY PREVALENT CHARACTERS IN THE SERIES with ZERO payoff, nor EMOTION to this scene. Nobody gains ANYTHING from it, there’s no character arc completion, no shocking character revelations, NOTHING. Bayonetta dies, Viola cries, GET FUCKED. Well for one exception. Viola is Bayonetta now, hooray, and good lord, the franchise’s story is now ultimately fucked for what it's worth. This story is a crowning achievement of bullshittery that happens once in a few millennia. Bayonetta 1 and 2’s story were not impressive, yes, but Bayonetta 3 takes it to an astronomical level of pure awfulness that not even die-hard Bayonetta fans can appreciate for its absurdity. Just... WHY A MULTIVERSE STORY? It’s SO hard to get right, and when Bayonetta 1 and 2 weren’t great stories by any means, you’re only asking for the bitter disappointment of fans, and thats what fans got! We waited 8 YEARS, just for this. Bayonetta 3 is genuinely one of the worst stories that I’ve EVER SEEN. It’s ABYSMAL. They never do ANYTHING fun with fthe Multiverse setup. Outside of the first cutscene, there’s nothing interesting or intriguing about the world. Bayonetta and company just go through the motions because they’re the main characters in the Video game called Bayonetta 3 for the Nintendo Switch, released on October 28th, 2022, available for $59.99 MSRP. They don't give a fuck, clearly. Why should I? The only time I smiled at the concept was with the pseudo-rhythm game near the end of Chapter 12, but other than that, Bayonetta 3 humor rolls straight ones throughout its painfully short runtime. Who the FUCK cares about all of these different Bayonettas dying when we’ve only seen them for FIVE. SECONDS!!! There’s no payoff, no emotional impact, NOTHING AT ALL. “Ohhhhh, but they come into the final battle for like 3 seconds,” NEAT SHIT!!! And even if there was, we already KNOW what’s going to happen to all of them, because they all died ON SCREEN consistently. They NEVER do anything clever with this setup, maybe save for Bayonetta 3 nearly dying, but that’s supposed to happen. After all, the game is called Bayonetta 3! Not “Viola”, or “Rodin”! And, even then, if ANYBODY in the world cares about all these variants dying, I’ll be DAMNED if it was Bayonetta 3 (the character). She never goes, “Oh shit, with all of these other Bayonettas dying, I might be next!!!” She never runs in and tries to save the others, does she do ANYTHING of value? NO! She just carries along, lets the Bayonetta die, not even reflecting on any of the Bayonettas, when the first one she saw, got torn in TWO RIGHT, IN FRONT OF HER EYES! I don’t know how you go to HELL AND BACK to save your BEST FRIEND/LOVER (IN MY HEART), but lack ANY SORT OF EMPATHY, NOR THE BALLS TO SAVE THE OTHER UMBRAN WITCHES. Oh, what did Bayonetta do before, for the record? Defeat OTHER, stronger Umbran Witches and Lumen Sages, and beat Aesir and Jubelius’s, giant, GODDESS ASS! Is she fucking scared or something??? How did she fend for her own reality all this time??? It’s DUMB! It’s simply. DUMB. This story is fucking stupid, simple as that. Do yourself a favor, press Plus, Up, A whenever a cutscene pops up. It’s so awful and not worth subscribing to. Avoid it like the plague. It accomplishes absolutely NOTHING through it's 9 hour runtime, probably fucks up the future Bayonetta stories, too, and it just flat out fucking sucks overall. It's truly THAT BAD. Actually, back to that comment of “probably fucks up the future Bayonetta stories, too”, apparently, Hideki Kamiya, one of the founding fathers of the Umbran Witch, wanted to make nine entries in the Bayonetta series overall, but… uh oh! Kamiya left Platinum Games in September of 2023. So… yikes. Platinum Games got dealt the worst cards here. I really hope that with the release of future Bayonetta games, that they greatly improve the story. Apparently, Bayonetta Origins has a much improved narrative, but I haven't played it, so all that I can say is that we'll see. But now, it's time for the conclusion.
And folks, that story simply set me over the edge. I’ve never rated a game lower for its story alone, but call me petty, because Bayonetta 3 cleared that bar of absolute TERRIBLENESS, enough for me to rate it a 5/10, when the BARE MINIMUM was shattered. I didn’t care about the stories of Bayonetta 1 and 2, but if anything should be said about Bayonetta 3’s abysmal story, it's that it’s a one of a kind, absolutely nonsensical story that actually made me give a shit about how bad it was. But hey, if you skip the cutscenes, the game is like a 6/10 dw :). But, seriously, Bayonetta 3 is the low point of the franchise. Do I even need to say anything more at this point? I’ve already bitched about the story for several Google Doc pages on end, how it’s gameplay is good on paper but any substance nor appeal surrounding it, surprisingly more so than Bayonetta 2, which had “WIN BUTTON THE GAME MECHANIC”, and how it’s just a mess overall. Yes, there are several things I liked about Bayonetta 3. The combat mechanics of the older games are still there (albeit neutered), the level design is still solid as always, and the music is still great albeit different, but when everything else that surrounds those good elements is middling at best and when it's been done so much better in Bayonetta 1 and 2, I can only give so much praise, man. It’s definitely not the worst game I’ve ever played (hello, Super Meat Boy Forever), but it’s among the most disappointing, if not, the most disappointing. It has its moments, yes, in fact, the Chapter 4 Boss was really fun! But the good heavily outweighs the bad, and leaves me thoroughly mixed on the game as a whole. I don't have any urge to replay this game at all, hell, I didn't even go for the portals since it was so easy to abuse items, so I’ll leave it at that. I don't like saying “Why would you play this when you can play (another game in series)”, because that feels weirdly disrespectful in my eyes as most games still offer different experiences, but Bayonetta 3 offers nothing of value to the Bayonetta franchise. 1 and 2 are infinitely better, and more worth your time. For now, at least. Because next up is Bayonetta Origins, the one that not even Bayonetta fans played! And it's one that I haven't even played, either. I at least played Bayonetta 1 and 2 a bit and I watched videos on Bayonetta 3, so I knew what I was getting into, but I've seen nothing about Bayonetta Origins. Apparently it's a fun game, but you'll have to wait for the review on that one. So, until next time, folks!
Since there's two characters in Bayonetta 3, you get two different jokes. Hallelujah. This game is what I like to call the “Seven Sirens Syndrome” (a term coined by the wonderful @yuzrnaime).
…Bayonetta 3. What. In the absolute FUCK was pre-release period for this game??? Bayonetta 3 was announced at the nigh end of 2017, and while the trailer looked intriguing (most notably with Bayonetta straight up dying in the trailer, too), we didn't see any gameplay for over 4 years, only getting held over with the “Oh, don't worry, it's not canceled frfr”. And then out of nowhere, in September of 2021, we FINALLY got the first trailer, and yeah, I was pretty hyped. Time passed, Hellena Taylor hurled accusations at Platinum Games, no more Hellena Taylor, boycott Bayonetta 3 because she was underpaid, oh wait, she lied, revenge-buy Bayonetta 3. Oh, wait, THAT WAS A MISTAKE, TOO. This game's prerelease was a disaster, and that summarizes most of my thoughts on Bayonetta 3, unfortunately. You can tell that this game went through an extremely troubled development. For a game which took 5 years, it feels very... off-putting. Not bad, of course, it's still a Platinum Games title at the end of the day, but something just doesn't click with me that Bayonetta 1 and 2 did. But, with that being said, it's time to discuss why Bayonetta 3 is easily the weakest title in the series. Frequent rant warning, folks. This one’s gonna be a bumpy ride...
Right off the bat, Bayonetta 3 starts AMAZINGLY, much like the previous games. While it’s not as action packed, it leaves a surprisingly lasting impression that’s actually somewhat emotional. In the first battle, Bayonetta is doing her stereotypical Bayonetta thing. Fighting and fighting, until the bitter end against a dark entity, but UNLIKE usual, she’s eating straight ass. It’s a great contrast between the hyper action packed intros of before, as it has that action, but it’s definitely neutered compared to before. Fitting the tone, Bayonetta straight up DIES. Like, flat-out, shattered into the red orbs of Devil May Cry. Hey, point the gun away from your head, I want to hear Platinum out first, for as much as I can in this genuine shit show. Cut to Sigurd, some random soldier who I presume is close to Viola, a Saints Row 2022 looking-ass character, where Bayonetta’s… something is absorbed into Viola. The entity kills Sigurd off too, leaving Viola alone. With that, Viola retreats into… fucking Manhattan??? Hey, my dad grew up in New York, so I appreciate the shout out, but the city, alongside a girl who looks ODDLY like Cereza, and a guy who sounds AWFULLY like Enzo, are all completely fine, and that’s when I realized, that combined with the monologe about branching paths in the intro, that Bayonetta 3 is a fucking multiverse story. A MULTIVERSE STORY in BAYONETTA. Shit, man. Bayonetta 1 and 2 never had the greatest story to begin with (hence why I barely talked about them), so I’m flabbergasted as to why they even attempted this in the third entry, no less. But hey, let’s hold our “Shit Within”. Maybe it’ll actually be good? NOPE!!! Okay, so Cereza (we’ll call her that for the time being), and… Eggman, alongside… Rodin (i don’t have a good name sorry)??? are all New Yorker-ized, just your average day. But of course, this is a Bayonetta game, so shit gets WACKY! Rodin notices a storm approaching, and Cereza activates her Spider Within to hear someone calling for help. She says something about… a destined time and date to Eggman, as they arrive at a cruise ship dock. Cereza, being Cereza, dresses up for the occasion, and god. I can’t help but notice already.
These graphics are so disappointing, man. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that even Bayonetta 1 looked better; hell, at least it had a consistent style from beginning to end. Bayonetta 2 followed suit, being extremely colorful with incredibly detailed environments, and made one of the best looking Wii U and Nintendo Switch games. 3 looks rather rough in comparison. It’s not ugly per-se, but it’s far below the quality of other Nintendo-produced (or at the very least ASSISTED) games on the Nintendo Switch. Shit, if you squint enough, it looks like Sonic Frontiers on Switch. The first 2 Bayonettas look great, and still do to this day, but 3 looks and feels a lot worse to play. The frame pacing in cutscenes is rather nauseating, the shadows look off on the characters, and overall, I’d say that the models fall far below the quality of Bayonetta 2’s. Not to mention, the really bad frame drops on Switch. I played on Yuzu as I’ve previously said, but I’ve heard horror stories about Bayonetta 3 on Switch. A shame, really. Because we have so many great looking games on Switch, some even coming from Platinum themselves. Astral Chain, Metroid Prime Remastered, Super Mario Odyssey, Luigi’s Mansion 3, Smash Ultimate, some of the best looking Switch games, with most having rock solid performance too. Hell, Bayonetta 3 is one of those Switch games that run at a sub-720p resolution in handheld mode and it looks REALLY fucking rough. I don’t understand why so many Switch games run at sub-720 in handheld mode when they support well above that in Docked Mode. That’s a leg up on Bayonetta 1 and 2 being locked to 720p Docked on Switch, but those games were also 720p on Handheld, the way it should be. You lose an incredible amount of visual clarity without it as the Switch is a decently sized display, and on Handheld, it just looks awful. And seeing Bayonetta 3 still struggle to run on real hardware with THESE kinds of visuals, noticeable pop-in in tow, is quite disappointing to me. Hell, emulators still struggle to maintain a solid FPS with it. Once again, I played on an emulator (using Ryujinx this time, Yuzu kept crashing), and while 2 maintained a solid FPS throughout, Bayonetta 3 was LAG CENTRAL. Hell, it stopped working at a certain point (I needed to enable Vulkan + Texture compression). Nintendo really needs to step up their hardware, because when it’s hurting such a high profile release, it’s very sad to see. But, gripes aside, back to the story.
Viola quite literally falls on Enzo, demanding to see Bayonetta once mor- SUDDENLY, FLOOD! How in the FUCK did nobody notice it until now? What, did Flood Watches not exist in this tim- SUDDENLY, RODIN! Comes up and smacks the ever loving fuck out of the demon who made the flood occur. Bayonetta rides the cruise ship on top of the flood, and you know the drill by now. Bayonetta dances her way through the enemies, clothes get cut, BAYONETTA COMBAT TIME!!! Oh, and Moonlight Serenade. Not as good as Fly Me To The Moon or Moon River, but I still really like it.
Bayonetta 3’s combat mechanics are… solid. At least, in theory. As said nearly a hundred times over at this point, Bayonetta 3 returns with the delay based combos, present in Bayonetta 2, 1, and Devil May Cry. Weapons return from Bayonetta 2, but the Umbran Climax has been reworked into a “Demon Slave” mechanic, summoned by the power of the left trigger. Bayonetta 2’s Umbran Climax was fun, but incredibly overpowered. Bayonetta received a constant stream of health, with her attacks all being turned into devastating Wicked Weaves. In Bayonetta 3, the strength element remains, but leaves Bayonetta vulnerable as the demon only stays out as she dances, while the monster attacks for Bayonetta. Hence the term, Demon Slave. I appreciate the added combat strategy, as Umbran Climax was far lacking in that, but Demon Slave is a bit more skill based, akin to V from DMCV, I felt rather disconnected from combat when I used it. It’s theoretically a little better than Bayonetta 2’s Umbran Climax, but… it still doesn’t feel all that great. If anything, I kind of preferred 2’s because you always felt like the badass slaying all of the monsters. Instead, you get a demon to do the dirty work? Lame! And that also somehow makes Bayonetta 3 BY FAR the easiest in the franchise. I barely died, outside of challenges and the like. It’s SUPER fucking easy, and I played on Hard Mode on my first playthrough, too. Bayonetta 3’s enemies are woefully pathetic. Even on Hard mode, they were shockingly slow and easy to kill. No longer do they resist you like Bayonetta 2, you can wail on them to your heart’s content, and by god, these designs just flat out suck. They all blend in, all being built on the same, boring, robotic designs. Additionally, they removed the item caps from the shop, a dumb as hell move on the developer’s part. And since, like Bayonetta 2, there are no punishments for using items, you can haul absolute ASS in this game. At least Bayonetta 2 tried to limit your items, and while that didn't solve the issue with items and scoring, it still felt well balanced. But with the currency divided between upgrades, costumes, and items in Bayonetta 3 (an idea that’s not bad on paper), items are of little risk to buy since your upgrades don’t suffer from it. Item prices needed to be tuned all the way up, or the items had to be severely nerfed for this to be a good change. Bayonetta 1 and 2’s currency forced you to understand the game’s combat in order to get more skills. If you were good at the game, the Concoction Menu still let you get items for free; hell, I bet some of you never even knew Concoction existed until now. Buying items directly takes away from your currency in which you buy even better techniques from. In Bayonetta 3, this fact is of no issue. I bought 20 goddamn MEGA herbs at the end of the SECOND mission, and still had a lot more money to spare. THAT alone proves how easy Bayonetta 3 is. Want 8 Hot Shots for practically nothing? There you go, you’re practically immortal, now! Because of this, I was basically on autopilot for the entire journey, because the game is so easy to break. Big hit? Oh, just use my 9 million Herbs that I have! Hard Mode, my ass. What we need is a “Witch Must Die” mode or something, as the Bayonetta series gets disappointingly easier with each game. As it stands, Bayonetta 3 is easily a contender for my least favorite in the series for this fact alone. Sure, Bayonetta was a pretty brutal game, and Bayonetta 2 had issues with scoring, but it always put up a good fight. Bayonetta 3, once again, fails to live to the standards of 1 and 2, by being one of the easiest games ever released. You could argue that Bayonetta 3 is meant to introduce newcomers I guess, but even then, Bayonetta 2 did a better job at that. This leaves Bayonetta 3 unengaging for a large majority of it's runtime, and it unfortunately only gets worse from here on out.
Although the Demon Slave has several fatal flaws, to give Bayonetta 3 a genuine compliment, they do something kind of cool with this, where your demons are linked to the weapon you use. Neat shit. It’s a bit more limiting than Bayonetta 2, as you had hands and foot slots, but I’ll… allow it to slide. JUST this once. The weapons themselves are as solid as Bayonetta 2’s, in my eyes, although the variety isn’t as strong. My personal favorite was the yoyos, which provide an excellent balance between close-quarters and mid-ranged attacks. I usually never used the big club, which did great damage but was slow as fuck, because unless you made Devil May Cry 5, it’s usually not my favorite pick for an action game weapon. But the rest are fun, and I did like experimenting with them. And, oh yeah. Torture attacks are now gone too, now you just press 2 buttons, and bam. It's better flowing, but it still feels… so unlike Bayonetta. I don’t know how to say i- SUDDENLY, JEANS! Sporting a more hippie attire, she fights with Bayonetta against this large, tentacle monster thingy, before promptly getting eaten alive by some Penis Flytrap. Damn, is this fucking Endgame? They’re killing everyone like it’s nothing! Oh, nevermind, Jeans is saved by Madame Butterf- SUDDENLY, GIANT FISH? Before getting smacked by a massive building, never to be seen again. What was the point of that??? Anyways, after the massive flood, Cereza, Eggman, Jeans, and Rodin retreat to The Gates of Hell to watch the news, or something. Yeah, Eggman straight up LOST his entire family in that flood. Anyways, Viola introduces the entire multiverse structure, they can't manually control it but they go to Thule where all of the universes lie... IDK. I was already tuned out, man. Anyways, soon enough, Variant Bayonetta in this universe, she’s a super high tech yoyo spider wield- aaaand she dies anyways. Cool. Cut to one of the worst minigames in the entire series, then, the Monster Fighting Game. I don’t know how they made a fighting game character with slower attacks than Ganondorf, but hey, you do you. Then cut to THE worst mini game in the series... FUCKING. KHAKI. JEANS.
Yes, in Bayonetta 3, there are fucking 2D STEALTH MISSIONS. Bayonetta, you sure are one mysterious destiny. Nope, we can’t make her playable in the mainline story, eat shit, Jeanne. All you do is walk around, one shot everything, bam, move on with your life while you do... stuff. Are these supposed to be funny or something? It’s not funny enough to warrant FOUR ENTIRE CHAPTERS to this braindead nonsense. It’s SO boring and tedious, that this is where I started to lose all hope for Bayonetta 3 EVER being better than 1 and 2. And unfortunately, Bayonetta 3 never gets better from those very lofty heights.
Because eventually, you have to play as Viola... and this is. Fine. Not bad, not great, just. Okay. Okay, so unlike Bayonetta, she wields a Katana, and only has one Demon Slave, Chesire, who automatically attacks alongside Viola. Okay... not really that different than Bayonett- WHAT IN THE FUCK IS HER WITCH TIME??? She has to PARRY attacks, which REALLY fucks with my muscle memory, and her combo game is bland. Unlike Bayonetta, who actually has fun mechanics, even in 3, Viola genuinely has NO SAUCE. No fun combo game, no other abilities, nothing! She’s so lame, man. She’s not different enough to warrant a whole ass character, and her playstyle is even worse than Bayonetta’s. Because of this, Viola is easily one of the worst characters in action game history. She’s so MID. Fuck, man. Each time I played as her, I let out a giant, massive SIGH, man. And BTW, she’s so FUCKING annoying. “my name is v-i-o-l-a VIOLA!!!!” Shut UP, man.
And, of course this wouldn't be a Bayonetta 3 review without mentioning the godawful story and ending. Oh my god, that fucking ending, man. It's so BAD. Okay, so after Jeanne dies (LMFAOOOOOO), Bayonetta fights Singularity, but out of fucking NOWHERE, is assisted by all of the Bayonettas from across the multiverse… before including two different Bayonettas... from BAYONETTA 1 and 2... and then Bayonetta 1 and 2 merge with 3- what the fuck??? Did Umbran Witches have this ability all along? And then Bayonetta 3 (the third incarnation of Bayonetta) dies after the fight with Singularity because she exhausted her strength (Persona 3, much?)so now all Bayonettas are dead, but then Luka... hugs Bayonetta... oh, Christ almighty... they both die... that’s it??? WHAT IN THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?!? Okay, first of all, the elephant in the room. Bayonetta’s sexuality. Folks, I know that Bayonetta was hailed as our Lesbian Queen prior to Bayonetta 3, where she flirted with Jeanne, LIVED TOGETHER with he- what the fuck??? You’re telling me after Bayonetta 2, after Bayonetta quite LITERALLY went to HELL and BACK just to save her that they’re just good FRIENDS??? Okay, I guess they never had an active relationship on screen, I guess, and I was mostly pissing around with the “lesbianism” jokes of the earlier reviews. But the same could be as equally said for LUKA, and before you say I’m bi-phobic or some shit (cough cough Gayming), hear me out, as a bisexual myself. First of all, I don’t object to Bayonetta having a heterosexual relationship, but what I DO object to is Luka’s lack of character development. WHO in the Story department put this fucking JIZZER with Bayonetta??? In Bayonetta 1 and 2, they never went past teasing, but Bayonetta did that with EVERYBODY. Luka made an ass out of himself because he WANTED that ass, but Bayonetta never felt the same way! That was the joke! Like Amy and Sonic, it was played off as a simple joke. But you're telling me that it's Knuckles and Rouge now? Bitch, please! They have borderline NO chemistry throughout the entire game. If Bayonetta and Luka were going to “Hit The Climax!”, let's say, then their relationship needed to matter a WHOLE lot more throughout the game. Better yet, why doesn't Viola chat with her Mother before she's banished to Inferno. No??? SHE JUST SITS THERE WATCHING ON??? OKAY!
Thirdly, this presents a fatal flaw in how Viola even EXISTS to begin with. Okay, so let's say, hypothetically, Bayonetta and Luka... fucked. Okay, that's one thing. But that presents a major problem. WHO'S VARIANTS ARE VIOLA’S PARENTS??? It CAN'T be the Luka we see; otherwise, why would Bayonetta 3 accept a kiss from a complete STRANGER? And, either way, if Bayonetta 3 was the mother of Viola, she would certainly recognize her own child in the prologue, no??? If in the grand scheme of things, Luka and Bayonetta were destined to be, and Luka and Bayonetta are destined to give birth to Viola (which isn’t even true based on the variant Bayonettas being seen without Luka), then where are Viola’s variants??? I’d doubt that Luka himself would be able to time travel, fucking everybody in the neighborhood, my guy just followed Bayonetta! Yeah, if you couldn't tell, THIS STORY FUCKING SUCKS. And I'm not done just yet, finally, WHERE DID THE OTHER TWO BAYONETTAS COME FROM? I can buy that variants exist in a multiverse story, believe me. Spiderverse 2 is amongst my favorite movies of all time. But isn't this the fated day where Singularity wins? You mean to tell me that Bayonetta 1 and 2 were two different timelines? THAT'S BULLSHIT. Bayonetta 2 takes place a few months after the first one. You mean to tell me that (the character) Bayonetta 1 time traveled a few months back only for Singularity to fuck shit up during that time? You mean to tell me Bayonetta 3 is a completely separate entity from the other Bayonettas? Sure, Bayonetta has done time travel before, but hasn't broken its own rules to such an extent. Maybe this has something to do with Bayonetta: Bloody Fate, but THAT’S an adaptation, NOT a different story line. Sure, in Bayonetta 1, Bayonetta did help Cereza go back to her own timeline, which was referenced in Bayonetta 2, but that was a ONE. TIME. OCCURRENCE! This is amongst the most PRETENTIOUS stories that I've ever seen in GAMING, with its head stuck up its own ass for most of the runtime. It GENUINELY pisses me off that they decide to kill off Bayonetta AND Jeanne, two INCREDIBLY PREVALENT CHARACTERS IN THE SERIES with ZERO payoff, nor EMOTION to this scene. Nobody gains ANYTHING from it, there’s no character arc completion, no shocking character revelations, NOTHING. Bayonetta dies, Viola cries, GET FUCKED. Well for one exception. Viola is Bayonetta now, hooray, and good lord, the franchise’s story is now ultimately fucked for what it's worth. This story is a crowning achievement of bullshittery that happens once in a few millennia. Bayonetta 1 and 2’s story were not impressive, yes, but Bayonetta 3 takes it to an astronomical level of pure awfulness that not even die-hard Bayonetta fans can appreciate for its absurdity. Just... WHY A MULTIVERSE STORY? It’s SO hard to get right, and when Bayonetta 1 and 2 weren’t great stories by any means, you’re only asking for the bitter disappointment of fans, and thats what fans got! We waited 8 YEARS, just for this. Bayonetta 3 is genuinely one of the worst stories that I’ve EVER SEEN. It’s ABYSMAL. They never do ANYTHING fun with fthe Multiverse setup. Outside of the first cutscene, there’s nothing interesting or intriguing about the world. Bayonetta and company just go through the motions because they’re the main characters in the Video game called Bayonetta 3 for the Nintendo Switch, released on October 28th, 2022, available for $59.99 MSRP. They don't give a fuck, clearly. Why should I? The only time I smiled at the concept was with the pseudo-rhythm game near the end of Chapter 12, but other than that, Bayonetta 3 humor rolls straight ones throughout its painfully short runtime. Who the FUCK cares about all of these different Bayonettas dying when we’ve only seen them for FIVE. SECONDS!!! There’s no payoff, no emotional impact, NOTHING AT ALL. “Ohhhhh, but they come into the final battle for like 3 seconds,” NEAT SHIT!!! And even if there was, we already KNOW what’s going to happen to all of them, because they all died ON SCREEN consistently. They NEVER do anything clever with this setup, maybe save for Bayonetta 3 nearly dying, but that’s supposed to happen. After all, the game is called Bayonetta 3! Not “Viola”, or “Rodin”! And, even then, if ANYBODY in the world cares about all these variants dying, I’ll be DAMNED if it was Bayonetta 3 (the character). She never goes, “Oh shit, with all of these other Bayonettas dying, I might be next!!!” She never runs in and tries to save the others, does she do ANYTHING of value? NO! She just carries along, lets the Bayonetta die, not even reflecting on any of the Bayonettas, when the first one she saw, got torn in TWO RIGHT, IN FRONT OF HER EYES! I don’t know how you go to HELL AND BACK to save your BEST FRIEND/LOVER (IN MY HEART), but lack ANY SORT OF EMPATHY, NOR THE BALLS TO SAVE THE OTHER UMBRAN WITCHES. Oh, what did Bayonetta do before, for the record? Defeat OTHER, stronger Umbran Witches and Lumen Sages, and beat Aesir and Jubelius’s, giant, GODDESS ASS! Is she fucking scared or something??? How did she fend for her own reality all this time??? It’s DUMB! It’s simply. DUMB. This story is fucking stupid, simple as that. Do yourself a favor, press Plus, Up, A whenever a cutscene pops up. It’s so awful and not worth subscribing to. Avoid it like the plague. It accomplishes absolutely NOTHING through it's 9 hour runtime, probably fucks up the future Bayonetta stories, too, and it just flat out fucking sucks overall. It's truly THAT BAD. Actually, back to that comment of “probably fucks up the future Bayonetta stories, too”, apparently, Hideki Kamiya, one of the founding fathers of the Umbran Witch, wanted to make nine entries in the Bayonetta series overall, but… uh oh! Kamiya left Platinum Games in September of 2023. So… yikes. Platinum Games got dealt the worst cards here. I really hope that with the release of future Bayonetta games, that they greatly improve the story. Apparently, Bayonetta Origins has a much improved narrative, but I haven't played it, so all that I can say is that we'll see. But now, it's time for the conclusion.
And folks, that story simply set me over the edge. I’ve never rated a game lower for its story alone, but call me petty, because Bayonetta 3 cleared that bar of absolute TERRIBLENESS, enough for me to rate it a 5/10, when the BARE MINIMUM was shattered. I didn’t care about the stories of Bayonetta 1 and 2, but if anything should be said about Bayonetta 3’s abysmal story, it's that it’s a one of a kind, absolutely nonsensical story that actually made me give a shit about how bad it was. But hey, if you skip the cutscenes, the game is like a 6/10 dw :). But, seriously, Bayonetta 3 is the low point of the franchise. Do I even need to say anything more at this point? I’ve already bitched about the story for several Google Doc pages on end, how it’s gameplay is good on paper but any substance nor appeal surrounding it, surprisingly more so than Bayonetta 2, which had “WIN BUTTON THE GAME MECHANIC”, and how it’s just a mess overall. Yes, there are several things I liked about Bayonetta 3. The combat mechanics of the older games are still there (albeit neutered), the level design is still solid as always, and the music is still great albeit different, but when everything else that surrounds those good elements is middling at best and when it's been done so much better in Bayonetta 1 and 2, I can only give so much praise, man. It’s definitely not the worst game I’ve ever played (hello, Super Meat Boy Forever), but it’s among the most disappointing, if not, the most disappointing. It has its moments, yes, in fact, the Chapter 4 Boss was really fun! But the good heavily outweighs the bad, and leaves me thoroughly mixed on the game as a whole. I don't have any urge to replay this game at all, hell, I didn't even go for the portals since it was so easy to abuse items, so I’ll leave it at that. I don't like saying “Why would you play this when you can play (another game in series)”, because that feels weirdly disrespectful in my eyes as most games still offer different experiences, but Bayonetta 3 offers nothing of value to the Bayonetta franchise. 1 and 2 are infinitely better, and more worth your time. For now, at least. Because next up is Bayonetta Origins, the one that not even Bayonetta fans played! And it's one that I haven't even played, either. I at least played Bayonetta 1 and 2 a bit and I watched videos on Bayonetta 3, so I knew what I was getting into, but I've seen nothing about Bayonetta Origins. Apparently it's a fun game, but you'll have to wait for the review on that one. So, until next time, folks!
2014
Omne... save me...
BAYONETTA 2! Oh, where do I begin? Well, lets start AFTER the release of Bayonetta 1. After Devil May Cry 4 disappointed several folks (although I think its a solid game so far), Bayonetta rose from the ashes to create a legitimately great alternative for the character action game fans out there. Almost everyone loved Bayonetta when it dropped, critics, fans, dogs and cats, everybody. So it’d be a no-brainer to make a sequel with an even grander scope. This is also the first of the followi ng two titles in the franchise that were funded in part by Nintendo, and thus, are Nintendo-exclusive. No PC, PS4 or Xbox One version in sight. It's not an unexpected move, as Nintendo did fund the project after all, and hey, like I said, emulation is free. So, while the exclusivity did sting a little, it made sense. And, thank the lord, Bayonetta 2 looks and runs phenomenally on Wii U and the 2018 Switch port. It's a big step up from the Xbox 360 and- ugh, the PS3 version. You know, the one with a 30FPS cap (sometimes not even reaching that) and sub 720p graphics? That was a fucking mess. But with Bayonetta 2’s release on Wii U and Switch, they went out of their way to port Bayonetta 1 as well, and if you bought Bayonetta 2 physically, you got Bayonetta 1 for FREE! A great move by Platinum, and hey, the Wii U version is pretty good! Overshadowed by the subsequent versions, but there's some all new Nintendo-fied costumes. Bayonetta made the most graceful transition to the Wii U possible, but that’s to speak of the quality of Bayonetta 2 itself. Because, truth be told, Bayonetta 2... is AMAZING! Bayonetta 2 kicks off even greater than Bayonetta 1. After festive lesbianism occurs, the first level kicks off with Bayonetta and Jeanne riding on fighter jets. Show this to anyone who doesn't know what the hell Bayonetta is and watch their faces change and shift, as random shit just happens. But it’s a joy to watch. The cool shots, Bayonetta jumping up to the sky naked, uhhhhh yeah it’s GOATED. And when Moon River starts blasting, you KNOW your girl is back and better than ever.
Bayonetta 2 retains a majority of its predecessor’s systems. Like Bayonetta, the delay based combos return. For a quick rundown, punching, waiting, and then punching again results in a different, stronger combo compared to 3 punches in a row, with this philosophy applying to a majority of the combos. Spam is discouraged, therefore creating the perfect skill curve with combat. That was great about Bayonetta, and I'm glad to see that it returns in 2, however, Bayonetta 2 adds a new mechanic to make these awesome combos easier. The Umbran Climax is a rather controversial mechanic within the community, to be honest. But damn, if I can't help but absolutely love it. At the cost of a full magic meter, all of your attacks become souped up Wicked weaves, and tearing down a crowd of enemies never gets old to me. But I can't help but feel it's pretty unbalanced. Yeah, that's kind of the point, but I can't help but feel that it's a bit too braindead for my tastes. While the delay based combos are still present with Umbran Climax, they’re much less useful given the clear benefits of a strong AOE presence, so you’re incentivized to keep spamming attacks, because Umbran Climax only lasts so long. One last nitpick, taking damage while in Umbran Climax needs to have a better indicator. You don't take knockback during Umbran Climax, so it's usually hard to tell when you take damage. This only gets somewhat annoying for scoring purposes, but it's whatever if you're playing casually. I’m not saying to make her invincible, but some kind of score mitigation would be pretty nice. I'd also like to note that Bayonetta herself is also slightly weaker than the prior game to compensate for Umbran Climax, as well. To be honest, it’s not really noticeable in the game to game action, but Bayonetta does slightly less damage overall, including her Wicked Weaves. Adding onto this nerf is the ability for enemies to block attacks, which is something that I was surprised wasn’t in the original game. This keeps the player on their toes, and I really like how Bayonetta 2 still attempts to throw the player off at certain points. One of the better additions in Bayonetta 2 is the weapons.
Sure, weapons were in the original Bayonetta, but Bayonetta 2 greatly expands on this mechanic, as most of the weapons are cheaper and easier to get than ever before. I'm sad to say that I was never able to use the awesome chainsaws in Bayonetta 2, but the rest of the weapons are pretty great, at the very least. I really loved the Dual Swords at first, because you can charge it up and do an oh-so powerful slash straight through your enemies. But once I got the 3 Pronged Scythe, that’s all I used. At least on my Hands, because with my feet, I still wielded the Swords. The Scythe is awesome, if you hold it out for a bit, you shoot out 3 projectiles out of the Scythe a devastating attack for most foes, and it’s also fast as fuck, one of the best weapons in the game, here. I never took a liking to the Bow, as ranged combat in Bayonetta is pretty lame in my opinion, but the Flamethrowers were neat, and the whip is incredibly strong, too. Because of this, the combat feels a lot more dynamic and diverse, adding to the already high variety of Bayonetta 1. Also, can we talk about the improvements from Bayonetta 1? The bosses feel much improved here. No longer are they just massive moving hurtboxes, they actually feel a lot more fun to fight here. With Umbran Climax, it’s a lot easier to turn the tides in your favor, and the bosses feel so much more dynamic here. From flying in the sky, to surfing on a piece of board, Bayonetta 2 never stays in one area of gameplay for long, although there is a slight problem with Bayonetta 2’s combat. It’s highly reliant on Witch Time. Now, I love Witch Time as much as the next guy, but having it be almost mandatory to survive took a lot of the fun out of it. Nailing that perfect dodge was never necessary, but it was fun because it felt like a massive “up yours” to the enemy for being aggressive. Bayonetta 2 exhibits a similar feeling, but to a slightly lesser degree, as Witch Time is required to dodge certain attacks. It’s not too apparent, but it did feel a little lame when I noticed. But overall, Bayonetta 2’s combat is just as strong as beforehand, just like the fantastic enemy design of Bayonetta. It definitely has it’s issues, but yeah, this is great! But if there’s one issue I can point to with Bayonetta 2, it’s undoubtedly it’s difficulty.
The biggest disappointment is Bayonetta 2’s very low difficulty. Bayonetta was a very difficult game for newcomers, but very satisfying to master. Bayonetta 2 feels pretty tame in this regard. The difficulty has seen a severe drop from Bayonetta. I’d say Hard Mode Bayonetta 2 is more comparable to Bayonetta’s Normal difficulty. But there also lies an issue with Bayonetta 2’s score system. ITEMS. In Bayonetta, using items was a travesty upon your rank. It counted as a Death, but Bayonetta 2 entirely removes this aspect of scoring, a dumb as hell move in my eyes. Healing is fine to not count, as there’s a damage rank anyways, but being invincible, or super powered, or UMBRAN CLIMAX for free should absolutely be punished by the game. Sure, it definitely sucked to get Stone Ranks all of the time in Bayonetta 1, but it felt equally as great to do everything perfectly and get the Gold Rank. With Bayonetta 2, very rarely did I get anything below a Silver Rank. Does improving as a player have anything to do with that? Yeah, maybe. But even then, I made frequent use of items and still made it out with the game congratulating my for my efforts. In my opinion, for this to work, there either needed to be a significant item nerf, or items need to be made waaaaaay worse. But thankfully, the final boss is still just as difficult as ever, and now that’s my cue to to talk about the endgame
God, Bayonetta 2’s finale is almost perfect. No dawdling over some stupid, unfun Space Harrier clone, no boss rush, just constant, non-stop action throughout, and I love it. Rather than your typical boss rush, in Chapter 14, they go to the past, with you controlling a mech, and it's not just a fun distraction either. It still retains all of the same, delay based combos that Bayonetta has. Rather than changing up the gameplay style non-stop, they instead add to it, making Bayonetta 2 an incredibly focused game. The level design is so much more wider and expansive, encouraging exploration, but never slow down one bit. And this applies to the final boss, too. Like Bayonetta, the one on one fights with the Lumen Sage lead up to the final chapter, where another one on one fight commences before the second phase. And when the true phase kicks in, the fight against Aesir, it’s awesome. It’s another one on one fight, and for once in it’s runtime, Bayonetta 2 actually gets pretty damn difficult. I actually died a few times here, and I like that higher difficulty. But of course, like Bayonetta 1, a giant hair god, OMNE!!!!!, with womanly proportions (god, I love this game) is summoned, giving Aesir the good old Wizard’s Foot. Okay, last Smash Bros joke, I swe- SUDDENLY, JEANNE! Riding on a goddamn plane, too. She finishes the deal. summoning another hair demon, and fast forward a few months later, MORE Festive lesbianis- SUDDENLY, PLANE! AND ANGELS! Well, you know how this ends. LET’S DANCE, GENTLEMEN!
Despite my qualms with Bayonetta 2, especially when it comes to higher level play, Bayonetta 2 is a more than worthy sequel to the original. Each time I turned off the game, I wanted to hop back in as soon as possible, because the game is THAT good. The greater depth, the incredible visuals and music, and the awesome as hell combat left me satisfied and clamoring for more. It's hard to look at Bayonetta 2 without comparing it to it's elder sister, but I think it's a toss up as to which one I prefer. As a casual player, I found Bayonetta 2 to be a lot more inviting, but Bayonetta's high difficulty made me incredibly satisfied when I completed it. It's a very tough choice, especially as someone who's seen hardcore Bayonetta players compare it to the first game (completely understandable ftr), but I have to give the very, VERY slight edge to Bayonetta 2. Sure, it may be easier, but it's far from braindead, and the difficulty is more than made up for with better gameplay. Hell, that's my opinion, though. At the end of the day, I still love both of them equally, and I recommend giving each a playthrough for sure. Once again, a must play.
Well... the Bayonetta series has been going pretty well, but that positivity ends with Bayonetta 3. Spoiler alert, but if you've been stalking my log, you know I gave it a 5/10, and I have a LOT to say about it. Nothing good, though. So, yeah. Welp, I'mma get back to writing it. But I hope you enjoyed this review, it was a little delayed, but most of that time went into Bayonetta 3. So I hope you look forward to that, so in the meantime, I'll see myself out. Thanks for reading, and I'll see you later.
BAYONETTA 2! Oh, where do I begin? Well, lets start AFTER the release of Bayonetta 1. After Devil May Cry 4 disappointed several folks (although I think its a solid game so far), Bayonetta rose from the ashes to create a legitimately great alternative for the character action game fans out there. Almost everyone loved Bayonetta when it dropped, critics, fans, dogs and cats, everybody. So it’d be a no-brainer to make a sequel with an even grander scope. This is also the first of the followi ng two titles in the franchise that were funded in part by Nintendo, and thus, are Nintendo-exclusive. No PC, PS4 or Xbox One version in sight. It's not an unexpected move, as Nintendo did fund the project after all, and hey, like I said, emulation is free. So, while the exclusivity did sting a little, it made sense. And, thank the lord, Bayonetta 2 looks and runs phenomenally on Wii U and the 2018 Switch port. It's a big step up from the Xbox 360 and- ugh, the PS3 version. You know, the one with a 30FPS cap (sometimes not even reaching that) and sub 720p graphics? That was a fucking mess. But with Bayonetta 2’s release on Wii U and Switch, they went out of their way to port Bayonetta 1 as well, and if you bought Bayonetta 2 physically, you got Bayonetta 1 for FREE! A great move by Platinum, and hey, the Wii U version is pretty good! Overshadowed by the subsequent versions, but there's some all new Nintendo-fied costumes. Bayonetta made the most graceful transition to the Wii U possible, but that’s to speak of the quality of Bayonetta 2 itself. Because, truth be told, Bayonetta 2... is AMAZING! Bayonetta 2 kicks off even greater than Bayonetta 1. After festive lesbianism occurs, the first level kicks off with Bayonetta and Jeanne riding on fighter jets. Show this to anyone who doesn't know what the hell Bayonetta is and watch their faces change and shift, as random shit just happens. But it’s a joy to watch. The cool shots, Bayonetta jumping up to the sky naked, uhhhhh yeah it’s GOATED. And when Moon River starts blasting, you KNOW your girl is back and better than ever.
Bayonetta 2 retains a majority of its predecessor’s systems. Like Bayonetta, the delay based combos return. For a quick rundown, punching, waiting, and then punching again results in a different, stronger combo compared to 3 punches in a row, with this philosophy applying to a majority of the combos. Spam is discouraged, therefore creating the perfect skill curve with combat. That was great about Bayonetta, and I'm glad to see that it returns in 2, however, Bayonetta 2 adds a new mechanic to make these awesome combos easier. The Umbran Climax is a rather controversial mechanic within the community, to be honest. But damn, if I can't help but absolutely love it. At the cost of a full magic meter, all of your attacks become souped up Wicked weaves, and tearing down a crowd of enemies never gets old to me. But I can't help but feel it's pretty unbalanced. Yeah, that's kind of the point, but I can't help but feel that it's a bit too braindead for my tastes. While the delay based combos are still present with Umbran Climax, they’re much less useful given the clear benefits of a strong AOE presence, so you’re incentivized to keep spamming attacks, because Umbran Climax only lasts so long. One last nitpick, taking damage while in Umbran Climax needs to have a better indicator. You don't take knockback during Umbran Climax, so it's usually hard to tell when you take damage. This only gets somewhat annoying for scoring purposes, but it's whatever if you're playing casually. I’m not saying to make her invincible, but some kind of score mitigation would be pretty nice. I'd also like to note that Bayonetta herself is also slightly weaker than the prior game to compensate for Umbran Climax, as well. To be honest, it’s not really noticeable in the game to game action, but Bayonetta does slightly less damage overall, including her Wicked Weaves. Adding onto this nerf is the ability for enemies to block attacks, which is something that I was surprised wasn’t in the original game. This keeps the player on their toes, and I really like how Bayonetta 2 still attempts to throw the player off at certain points. One of the better additions in Bayonetta 2 is the weapons.
Sure, weapons were in the original Bayonetta, but Bayonetta 2 greatly expands on this mechanic, as most of the weapons are cheaper and easier to get than ever before. I'm sad to say that I was never able to use the awesome chainsaws in Bayonetta 2, but the rest of the weapons are pretty great, at the very least. I really loved the Dual Swords at first, because you can charge it up and do an oh-so powerful slash straight through your enemies. But once I got the 3 Pronged Scythe, that’s all I used. At least on my Hands, because with my feet, I still wielded the Swords. The Scythe is awesome, if you hold it out for a bit, you shoot out 3 projectiles out of the Scythe a devastating attack for most foes, and it’s also fast as fuck, one of the best weapons in the game, here. I never took a liking to the Bow, as ranged combat in Bayonetta is pretty lame in my opinion, but the Flamethrowers were neat, and the whip is incredibly strong, too. Because of this, the combat feels a lot more dynamic and diverse, adding to the already high variety of Bayonetta 1. Also, can we talk about the improvements from Bayonetta 1? The bosses feel much improved here. No longer are they just massive moving hurtboxes, they actually feel a lot more fun to fight here. With Umbran Climax, it’s a lot easier to turn the tides in your favor, and the bosses feel so much more dynamic here. From flying in the sky, to surfing on a piece of board, Bayonetta 2 never stays in one area of gameplay for long, although there is a slight problem with Bayonetta 2’s combat. It’s highly reliant on Witch Time. Now, I love Witch Time as much as the next guy, but having it be almost mandatory to survive took a lot of the fun out of it. Nailing that perfect dodge was never necessary, but it was fun because it felt like a massive “up yours” to the enemy for being aggressive. Bayonetta 2 exhibits a similar feeling, but to a slightly lesser degree, as Witch Time is required to dodge certain attacks. It’s not too apparent, but it did feel a little lame when I noticed. But overall, Bayonetta 2’s combat is just as strong as beforehand, just like the fantastic enemy design of Bayonetta. It definitely has it’s issues, but yeah, this is great! But if there’s one issue I can point to with Bayonetta 2, it’s undoubtedly it’s difficulty.
The biggest disappointment is Bayonetta 2’s very low difficulty. Bayonetta was a very difficult game for newcomers, but very satisfying to master. Bayonetta 2 feels pretty tame in this regard. The difficulty has seen a severe drop from Bayonetta. I’d say Hard Mode Bayonetta 2 is more comparable to Bayonetta’s Normal difficulty. But there also lies an issue with Bayonetta 2’s score system. ITEMS. In Bayonetta, using items was a travesty upon your rank. It counted as a Death, but Bayonetta 2 entirely removes this aspect of scoring, a dumb as hell move in my eyes. Healing is fine to not count, as there’s a damage rank anyways, but being invincible, or super powered, or UMBRAN CLIMAX for free should absolutely be punished by the game. Sure, it definitely sucked to get Stone Ranks all of the time in Bayonetta 1, but it felt equally as great to do everything perfectly and get the Gold Rank. With Bayonetta 2, very rarely did I get anything below a Silver Rank. Does improving as a player have anything to do with that? Yeah, maybe. But even then, I made frequent use of items and still made it out with the game congratulating my for my efforts. In my opinion, for this to work, there either needed to be a significant item nerf, or items need to be made waaaaaay worse. But thankfully, the final boss is still just as difficult as ever, and now that’s my cue to to talk about the endgame
God, Bayonetta 2’s finale is almost perfect. No dawdling over some stupid, unfun Space Harrier clone, no boss rush, just constant, non-stop action throughout, and I love it. Rather than your typical boss rush, in Chapter 14, they go to the past, with you controlling a mech, and it's not just a fun distraction either. It still retains all of the same, delay based combos that Bayonetta has. Rather than changing up the gameplay style non-stop, they instead add to it, making Bayonetta 2 an incredibly focused game. The level design is so much more wider and expansive, encouraging exploration, but never slow down one bit. And this applies to the final boss, too. Like Bayonetta, the one on one fights with the Lumen Sage lead up to the final chapter, where another one on one fight commences before the second phase. And when the true phase kicks in, the fight against Aesir, it’s awesome. It’s another one on one fight, and for once in it’s runtime, Bayonetta 2 actually gets pretty damn difficult. I actually died a few times here, and I like that higher difficulty. But of course, like Bayonetta 1, a giant hair god, OMNE!!!!!, with womanly proportions (god, I love this game) is summoned, giving Aesir the good old Wizard’s Foot. Okay, last Smash Bros joke, I swe- SUDDENLY, JEANNE! Riding on a goddamn plane, too. She finishes the deal. summoning another hair demon, and fast forward a few months later, MORE Festive lesbianis- SUDDENLY, PLANE! AND ANGELS! Well, you know how this ends. LET’S DANCE, GENTLEMEN!
Despite my qualms with Bayonetta 2, especially when it comes to higher level play, Bayonetta 2 is a more than worthy sequel to the original. Each time I turned off the game, I wanted to hop back in as soon as possible, because the game is THAT good. The greater depth, the incredible visuals and music, and the awesome as hell combat left me satisfied and clamoring for more. It's hard to look at Bayonetta 2 without comparing it to it's elder sister, but I think it's a toss up as to which one I prefer. As a casual player, I found Bayonetta 2 to be a lot more inviting, but Bayonetta's high difficulty made me incredibly satisfied when I completed it. It's a very tough choice, especially as someone who's seen hardcore Bayonetta players compare it to the first game (completely understandable ftr), but I have to give the very, VERY slight edge to Bayonetta 2. Sure, it may be easier, but it's far from braindead, and the difficulty is more than made up for with better gameplay. Hell, that's my opinion, though. At the end of the day, I still love both of them equally, and I recommend giving each a playthrough for sure. Once again, a must play.
Well... the Bayonetta series has been going pretty well, but that positivity ends with Bayonetta 3. Spoiler alert, but if you've been stalking my log, you know I gave it a 5/10, and I have a LOT to say about it. Nothing good, though. So, yeah. Welp, I'mma get back to writing it. But I hope you enjoyed this review, it was a little delayed, but most of that time went into Bayonetta 3. So I hope you look forward to that, so in the meantime, I'll see myself out. Thanks for reading, and I'll see you later.
2010
Back to back on the PETA attack!
Hey, it beats Super Meat Boy Forever in terms of design! Aaaaand it's still one of the worst games I've ever played. Genuinely. It's not even funny bad. It's just BAD. McCardiarrac Arrest aside, this is absolutely abhorrent. Bad controls, abysmal graphics, terrible level design, I mean, shit! I could at least laugh at Cooking Mama Kills The Animals's graphics, but THIS is just blood and gore shat straight out of someone's ass. I rage quit eventually because the controls were simply THAT awful and unfun. Isn't this designed for kids???
What a joke.
Hey, it beats Super Meat Boy Forever in terms of design! Aaaaand it's still one of the worst games I've ever played. Genuinely. It's not even funny bad. It's just BAD. McCardiarrac Arrest aside, this is absolutely abhorrent. Bad controls, abysmal graphics, terrible level design, I mean, shit! I could at least laugh at Cooking Mama Kills The Animals's graphics, but THIS is just blood and gore shat straight out of someone's ass. I rage quit eventually because the controls were simply THAT awful and unfun. Isn't this designed for kids???
What a joke.
Me and my sister used to play this, not knowing that it was a PETA game. It was fun, at least at the time.
I think this is worth a playthrough for it's sheer bizarreness alone. Yes, it's bad, but it's one of those funny kind of bad games. The controls suck, but the minigames are really short. The graphics are your typical PETA shit. Uhhhh... the ending was funny? IDK. It's not a very long game; it took about 5 minutes to play. As someone who's played some of the earliest Newgrounds shit though, I wasn't phased in the slightest. Sorry, PETA! Try harder next time.
I think this is worth a playthrough for it's sheer bizarreness alone. Yes, it's bad, but it's one of those funny kind of bad games. The controls suck, but the minigames are really short. The graphics are your typical PETA shit. Uhhhh... the ending was funny? IDK. It's not a very long game; it took about 5 minutes to play. As someone who's played some of the earliest Newgrounds shit though, I wasn't phased in the slightest. Sorry, PETA! Try harder next time.
2016
Played Pokemon Art Academy as a kid, and I always wanted this one. Well, guess what, 8 year old me? It's 2024, BITCHES!
And, it sure is a Disney Art Academy. Quite literally a better Pokemon Art Academy, with more tools. Unless you have musophobia or something. Neat shit.
And, it sure is a Disney Art Academy. Quite literally a better Pokemon Art Academy, with more tools. Unless you have musophobia or something. Neat shit.
2016
why the fuck was blue locked behind a dlc???
2009
“Bayonetta? More like Mayonetta, ‘cause this shit spread me apart!” This joke was brought to you by the legendary @QuentTheSlayer.
The Bayonetta series! One of the most acclaimed franchises I’ve seen in general that nobody ever played. Yeah, can you believe that Bayonetta 2 barely cracked 1 million copies on Switch as of 2021? That's not terrible by any means, but you’d think it’d be a lot higher, since it was practically the Wii U’s only pride and joy, and 3/4ths of the series were heavily funded and promoted by Nintendo, plus almost every DMC game has sold like hotcakes, but no. Oh, sorry to any NES Remix 2 fans out there! Apparently, it wasn't a killer app for the failing Wii U console. Shocker. But, when Bayonetta 2 launched in 2014, they also ported Bayonetta 1 to Wii U, and a few years later, Xbox One, PS4, and the PC. The PC version is the definitive way to play the game, in my opinion. It can run up to 4K resolution, and usually maintains a stable 60fps, unlike a majority of the console versions, which don’t. A shame that Bayonetta 1 has only seen a PC release, because 2 and 3 will probably always be locked to Nintendo Switch and Wii U, as those 2 were Nintendo-funded, and also receive FPS issues, more so Bayonetta 3. But hey, emulation is always free, I suppose. And for the record, in these playthroughs, I will be emulating 2 and 3, just for the best experience possible. An almost locked 60FPS is crucial for almost any modern character action game nowadays, so I just bit the bullet. And for you rare few, I have my lawyers on speed dial if you want to contest this.
Okay, jokes aside, what the hell is a “Bayonetta”? Aside from her name being a clear nod to the weapon, the Bayonet, Bayonetta herself has become an icon within the hack n’ slash genre,and also the fighting game scene. Bayonetta was birthed from the absolute legend, Hideki Kamiya, who also directed the first Devil May Cry title. Rather than a male lead, Bayonetta was designed from the ground up, as a female witch who wielded four guns at a time. Although some shade was initially thrown at the beehive hairstyle, mimicking traditional witch hats, and lacked glasses initially, eventually, they came to a witch, with a heavy focus on the attractiveness of the character. Bayonetta, from the ground up, was designed to be attractive as all get-out, if you couldn’t tell from the box art. This girl just leaves it hanging out there like it’s nobody’s business! Hell, this even floods into gameplay a little bit. The infamous torture attacks have Bayonetta seductively execute her foes, the innuendos, “Climax”, yeah. Hideki Kamiya and crew knew what they were doing, and it shows. However, in spite of the less-than-modest presentation of Bayonetta herself, I’d actually go out on a limb to say that it empowers Bayonetta as a character. In the cutscenes, we see Bayonetta doing all of this wacky shit. She’s having fun! Flirting with her enemies, dancing around them, as she aims to secure the kill. It really makes Bayonetta out as an unstoppable badass, deliberately belittling her foes as she defeats them all promptly. I'm not a woman, so I don't really want to comment on if Bayonetta is necessarily sexist or not, but personally, I never really felt that way. The opening cutscene demonstrates this, with Bayonetta, ambushed by angels while working as a nun, decimating every single Angel in her way with style and grace. And when things get dire, as the angels barely miss her, slicing her nun attire in the products, she fully awakens to her power. And then, the ICONIC song HAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, HAAAAA, AAAAAA, AAAAAAA, AAA, x6 FLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY ME TO THE MOON AND LET ME PLAYYYYYYYY AMONG THE STAAAAAAAAAAARS begins at full volume. I love this fucking track. Bayonetta has a good ass soundtrack and if you contest that fact, you're subhuman. But, back to the story and character design itself, giving Bayonetta this massive reach over her enemies demonstrates to the player how powerful Bayonetta is, and how powerful the player CAN be, with the game’s COMBAT.
GOD, Bayonetta's combat makes me SWOON. Never have I ever been so addicted to the controls of a game alone. Each time I listen to Fly Me to the Moon (Infinite Climax), I just want to start Bayonetta all over again. Bayonetta’s combat is EXCELLENT. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Hell, I might even say I enjoy the gameplay loop a little more than Devil May Cry’s gameplay loop, although I’m not entirely sure. Bayonetta herself has a few simple attacks; a punch, kick, shooting, and dodging. You’ll primarily be fighting your foes face on, but that’s not to say your guns don’t get some decent use either. You have 4 guns; two on your hands, and two on your feet. By holding an attack button, you can shoot the guns to give a little extra damage out, corresponding to which attack you throw out. So, punch to shoot the hand guns, or kick to shoot the heel guns. Or, alternatively, you can shoot your hand guns on your own, if you don’t feel like punching enemies in the face. But believe me folks, it doesn’t end there. The combo system of Bayonetta goes far deeper than you may think. Bayonetta retains the delay-based systems of Devil May Cry, but given the choice of hands and guns, the combos become much, MUCH deeper than before. Your average Devil May Cry combo goes like this. Slash, slash, wait, slash, slash. Whereas an average Bayonetta combo goes like this; Punch, punch, kick, kick, wait, kick. It adds complexity, but still remains simple enough to master. Bayonetta’s other main stick is her Witch Time, and upon dodging a majority of attacks at the last second, Bayonetta will slow down time for every enemy, and yeah, it’s as satisfying as it sounds. Outside of looking and feeling really good to do, the obvious benefit of slowing down time also adds a score multiplier to each attack done in Witch Time. So there’s no real reason to not be in Witch Time as much as possible, even if you can’t land a few attacks in. It feels great to pull off each time, just getting to wail on your enemies each time feels immaculate to watch and play. Even more immaculate is the Climaxes and Executions, which have you executing enemies in just the cutest way possible, usually killing them in a single shot. So, all of this versatility sounds pretty overpowered, right? How does Bayon- Wait, I’ve already used this segway in my Repentance review. Shit.
Straight and to the point, Bayonetta is one of the most deviously difficult games that I’ve ever played. Goddamn, I wasn’t expecting to die THIS much when going in. I knew that it wouldn’t be an easy game, but FUCK the Witch Hunts, seriously. But if it isn’t one of the most consistently fair games that I’ve played, too. Every attack is cued to perfection. To avoid frustration, most attacks have a bright shine and sound cue to it. The attacks themselves hit incredibly hard, but if you can dodge them, you’ll be a master of Bayonetta. Guess which camp I fell in? I was planning on doing a no items run of Bayonetta, but at Chapter 9, I caved. The game was just too hard for me. But, that’s okay, because before that, I was only getting Stone ranks, and each use of an item counts as half of a death, so there really wasn’t much difference in my overall score. What DID have an effect on my score were the Quick Time Events, though.
God, these just need to go. Bayonetta is an amazing game and all that jazz, but MAN, these got on my nerves really quickly. My main problem is that a grand majority of them lead to an instant death for no good reason at all, and they quite literally show up out of nowhere. At the very least, at least make the failure state cause minor damage or make it repeatable, because an outright kill from something you couldn’t see coming is not fun game design. Imagine that you’re on the way to a Pure Platinum in Chapter 2. You haven’t got hit a single time, and when you finally kill the boss without damage, you set down the controller satisfyingly, only to forget the instant kill at the VERY end of the chapter. Come on, dude! Talk about cheap and frustrating design. This especially hurt as someone who has really good hand-eye coordination, and played the Steam release with a Switch Pro Controller, as the direction of buttons doesn’t line up with the prompts on screen, as inputting the wrong buttons very frequently leads to Bayonetta’s demise. And don’t input them TOO early, because that kills you, too! For some reason. Speaking of bosses, they were... somewhat of a mixed bag. None of them are outright terrible, but there’s definitely a fair share of hot air between them. Sometimes, there’s not a whole lot to do other than firing your guns at them. They also have QTEs, although most are optional, thankfully. And failing usually doesn’t kill you, thank the fucking lord. Also on the plus side, all of the Jeanne fights were AWESOME. She serves as a skill check; Witch Time and guns won’t work for a majority of attacks, and she’s among the most threatening bosses in the entire game, packing speed and some hella’ Wicked weaves. Each encounter is almost perfectly crafted, requiring the utmost mastery of skills. And that music, man. Every 10/10 game NEEDS a 10/10 soundtrack, too. It’s simply inseparable. Jeanne is essentially the Vergil of Bayonetta, and those DMC comparisons don’t stop there.
Like DMC, you can buy abilities in the shop, all of which are of great variety and utility. In fact, I’d go as far to say that Bayonetta has a greater variety of skills than a majority of Devil May Cry games (obviously disregarding DMC 2). Good GOD, the moves you can pull off are so distinctive from one another. The Beast Within moves are among the best in the entire game, the Breakdance is a great AOE attack, also useful for revealing those hidden halos and other items, man. It’s all so good! Sure, the heel stomp attack could be a little more useful, but for the most part, all of these abilities are awesome! Uhhhh. I’m out of good segways. Shit.
Okay, time to talk about the final few chapters, and WOW, these aren’t all that great, unfortunately. Chapter 14 is mostly Space Harrier that just lasts far too long. At the end, there’s a Jeanne fight, though, which is my personal favorite of the Jeanne fights, because she has the best, most difficult attacks of them all. I kind of wonder why they didn’t just split the two chapters, though. Imagine fucking up the Platinum and then having to do Space Harrier all over again. Ugh. Chapter 15 is a... boss rush. It’s not the worst thing in the world, but it’s just kind of... okay. Chapter 16, the final traditional misson, is just a boss fight, against Balder, and the fight would’ve been PERFECT, if it weren’t for the fucking camera. It’s like Jeanne; no Witch Time, no guns, just you and a fight to the death. The camera is just far too up close. But it's still a great send-off, into the EPILOUGE, of course. The FINAL final boss, Jubileus, is a solid little send off to the game, but I think it's just a bit too easy? First off though, Jubileus is fucking hot and you cannot say otherwise, but secondly, the boss herself hovers above you, slamming sword thingies down, and those shoot projectiles at you. Not too bad to dodge, you just Witch Time them, and bam. Beat their asses. She'll also end up changing the arena every now and then, one covered in lava, one in ice, and one in the middle of a tornado. You, once again, have to destroy the swords she plants down, and Witch Time is the key to success. Really, her fight is pretty straightforward. Most of her attacks are pretty slow and predictable, and the one that poses a threat is the Black Hole attack, which is a reset, but other than that… yeah. It's fun, but too easy in my opinion. But of course, this is capped off with the most awesome Climax. Bayonetta does an awesome 20 second long dance, summoning a massive hair demon with oddly feminine proportions (god this game is weird and I love it), and it beats the shit out Jubileus in one fell love tap, knocking Jubileus’s soul out of her body into the goddamn SUN. Yeah, talk about a fucking climax. Oh, you can control her soul as she falls? You know what? Fuck Jupiter, am I righ- I DIED??? …Okay, that makes sense. Anyways one dumb decision later, Jubileus’s body falls to the earth, brief lesbianism occurs, we destroy her body, Bayonetta dies, actually no, bisexualism occurs, Bayo winks, CREDIT ROLL!!!!
No hyperbole or anything, Bayonetta is one of my favorite games that I've played this year, and maybe one of my favorite games of all time. A must play for almost anybody. Sure, the game has it's low points (how the FUCK did i not mention Grace and Glory during this???), but overall, it's REALLY fucking fun, and serves as one of the best character action games ever made, andI'll for sure be returning for Hard Mode and afterwards, INFINITE CLIMAX (funny). Bayonetta is on Steam, PS4, and Xbox One for 10 bucks, and the game more than makes up for that price, I'd say. I'm not sure about Xbox 360 and PS3, but Bayonetta is also on Switch for $30, which is a bit of an eh deal, but hey, you get a $20 discount for Bayonetta 2 if you buy it. Speaking of Bayonetta 2, that's NOT up next, but rather Bayonetta: Bloody Fate. Yeah, for the first time in zeusdeegoose history, we have a cross-media review series (if you discount Isaac I guess). I'm still playing through Bayonetta 2, and it seems destined to be another banger, but hey, we'll see in the review. I don't know about Bayonetta 3 as I actually haven't even touched it, but from what I heard, there's some… opinions on it. But, once again we'll see. But, the moral of the story? Bayonetta is awesome and I like it. Go buy 15 copies of it right now, and I hope that you have an awesome day.
The Bayonetta series! One of the most acclaimed franchises I’ve seen in general that nobody ever played. Yeah, can you believe that Bayonetta 2 barely cracked 1 million copies on Switch as of 2021? That's not terrible by any means, but you’d think it’d be a lot higher, since it was practically the Wii U’s only pride and joy, and 3/4ths of the series were heavily funded and promoted by Nintendo, plus almost every DMC game has sold like hotcakes, but no. Oh, sorry to any NES Remix 2 fans out there! Apparently, it wasn't a killer app for the failing Wii U console. Shocker. But, when Bayonetta 2 launched in 2014, they also ported Bayonetta 1 to Wii U, and a few years later, Xbox One, PS4, and the PC. The PC version is the definitive way to play the game, in my opinion. It can run up to 4K resolution, and usually maintains a stable 60fps, unlike a majority of the console versions, which don’t. A shame that Bayonetta 1 has only seen a PC release, because 2 and 3 will probably always be locked to Nintendo Switch and Wii U, as those 2 were Nintendo-funded, and also receive FPS issues, more so Bayonetta 3. But hey, emulation is always free, I suppose. And for the record, in these playthroughs, I will be emulating 2 and 3, just for the best experience possible. An almost locked 60FPS is crucial for almost any modern character action game nowadays, so I just bit the bullet. And for you rare few, I have my lawyers on speed dial if you want to contest this.
Okay, jokes aside, what the hell is a “Bayonetta”? Aside from her name being a clear nod to the weapon, the Bayonet, Bayonetta herself has become an icon within the hack n’ slash genre,
GOD, Bayonetta's combat makes me SWOON. Never have I ever been so addicted to the controls of a game alone. Each time I listen to Fly Me to the Moon (Infinite Climax), I just want to start Bayonetta all over again. Bayonetta’s combat is EXCELLENT. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Hell, I might even say I enjoy the gameplay loop a little more than Devil May Cry’s gameplay loop, although I’m not entirely sure. Bayonetta herself has a few simple attacks; a punch, kick, shooting, and dodging. You’ll primarily be fighting your foes face on, but that’s not to say your guns don’t get some decent use either. You have 4 guns; two on your hands, and two on your feet. By holding an attack button, you can shoot the guns to give a little extra damage out, corresponding to which attack you throw out. So, punch to shoot the hand guns, or kick to shoot the heel guns. Or, alternatively, you can shoot your hand guns on your own, if you don’t feel like punching enemies in the face. But believe me folks, it doesn’t end there. The combo system of Bayonetta goes far deeper than you may think. Bayonetta retains the delay-based systems of Devil May Cry, but given the choice of hands and guns, the combos become much, MUCH deeper than before. Your average Devil May Cry combo goes like this. Slash, slash, wait, slash, slash. Whereas an average Bayonetta combo goes like this; Punch, punch, kick, kick, wait, kick. It adds complexity, but still remains simple enough to master. Bayonetta’s other main stick is her Witch Time, and upon dodging a majority of attacks at the last second, Bayonetta will slow down time for every enemy, and yeah, it’s as satisfying as it sounds. Outside of looking and feeling really good to do, the obvious benefit of slowing down time also adds a score multiplier to each attack done in Witch Time. So there’s no real reason to not be in Witch Time as much as possible, even if you can’t land a few attacks in. It feels great to pull off each time, just getting to wail on your enemies each time feels immaculate to watch and play. Even more immaculate is the Climaxes and Executions, which have you executing enemies in just the cutest way possible, usually killing them in a single shot. So, all of this versatility sounds pretty overpowered, right? How does Bayon- Wait, I’ve already used this segway in my Repentance review. Shit.
Straight and to the point, Bayonetta is one of the most deviously difficult games that I’ve ever played. Goddamn, I wasn’t expecting to die THIS much when going in. I knew that it wouldn’t be an easy game, but FUCK the Witch Hunts, seriously. But if it isn’t one of the most consistently fair games that I’ve played, too. Every attack is cued to perfection. To avoid frustration, most attacks have a bright shine and sound cue to it. The attacks themselves hit incredibly hard, but if you can dodge them, you’ll be a master of Bayonetta. Guess which camp I fell in? I was planning on doing a no items run of Bayonetta, but at Chapter 9, I caved. The game was just too hard for me. But, that’s okay, because before that, I was only getting Stone ranks, and each use of an item counts as half of a death, so there really wasn’t much difference in my overall score. What DID have an effect on my score were the Quick Time Events, though.
God, these just need to go. Bayonetta is an amazing game and all that jazz, but MAN, these got on my nerves really quickly. My main problem is that a grand majority of them lead to an instant death for no good reason at all, and they quite literally show up out of nowhere. At the very least, at least make the failure state cause minor damage or make it repeatable, because an outright kill from something you couldn’t see coming is not fun game design. Imagine that you’re on the way to a Pure Platinum in Chapter 2. You haven’t got hit a single time, and when you finally kill the boss without damage, you set down the controller satisfyingly, only to forget the instant kill at the VERY end of the chapter. Come on, dude! Talk about cheap and frustrating design. This especially hurt as someone who has really good hand-eye coordination, and played the Steam release with a Switch Pro Controller, as the direction of buttons doesn’t line up with the prompts on screen, as inputting the wrong buttons very frequently leads to Bayonetta’s demise. And don’t input them TOO early, because that kills you, too! For some reason. Speaking of bosses, they were... somewhat of a mixed bag. None of them are outright terrible, but there’s definitely a fair share of hot air between them. Sometimes, there’s not a whole lot to do other than firing your guns at them. They also have QTEs, although most are optional, thankfully. And failing usually doesn’t kill you, thank the fucking lord. Also on the plus side, all of the Jeanne fights were AWESOME. She serves as a skill check; Witch Time and guns won’t work for a majority of attacks, and she’s among the most threatening bosses in the entire game, packing speed and some hella’ Wicked weaves. Each encounter is almost perfectly crafted, requiring the utmost mastery of skills. And that music, man. Every 10/10 game NEEDS a 10/10 soundtrack, too. It’s simply inseparable. Jeanne is essentially the Vergil of Bayonetta, and those DMC comparisons don’t stop there.
Like DMC, you can buy abilities in the shop, all of which are of great variety and utility. In fact, I’d go as far to say that Bayonetta has a greater variety of skills than a majority of Devil May Cry games (obviously disregarding DMC 2). Good GOD, the moves you can pull off are so distinctive from one another. The Beast Within moves are among the best in the entire game, the Breakdance is a great AOE attack, also useful for revealing those hidden halos and other items, man. It’s all so good! Sure, the heel stomp attack could be a little more useful, but for the most part, all of these abilities are awesome! Uhhhh. I’m out of good segways. Shit.
Okay, time to talk about the final few chapters, and WOW, these aren’t all that great, unfortunately. Chapter 14 is mostly Space Harrier that just lasts far too long. At the end, there’s a Jeanne fight, though, which is my personal favorite of the Jeanne fights, because she has the best, most difficult attacks of them all. I kind of wonder why they didn’t just split the two chapters, though. Imagine fucking up the Platinum and then having to do Space Harrier all over again. Ugh. Chapter 15 is a... boss rush. It’s not the worst thing in the world, but it’s just kind of... okay. Chapter 16, the final traditional misson, is just a boss fight, against Balder, and the fight would’ve been PERFECT, if it weren’t for the fucking camera. It’s like Jeanne; no Witch Time, no guns, just you and a fight to the death. The camera is just far too up close. But it's still a great send-off, into the EPILOUGE, of course. The FINAL final boss, Jubileus, is a solid little send off to the game, but I think it's just a bit too easy? First off though, Jubileus is fucking hot and you cannot say otherwise, but secondly, the boss herself hovers above you, slamming sword thingies down, and those shoot projectiles at you. Not too bad to dodge, you just Witch Time them, and bam. Beat their asses. She'll also end up changing the arena every now and then, one covered in lava, one in ice, and one in the middle of a tornado. You, once again, have to destroy the swords she plants down, and Witch Time is the key to success. Really, her fight is pretty straightforward. Most of her attacks are pretty slow and predictable, and the one that poses a threat is the Black Hole attack, which is a reset, but other than that… yeah. It's fun, but too easy in my opinion. But of course, this is capped off with the most awesome Climax. Bayonetta does an awesome 20 second long dance, summoning a massive hair demon with oddly feminine proportions (god this game is weird and I love it), and it beats the shit out Jubileus in one fell love tap, knocking Jubileus’s soul out of her body into the goddamn SUN. Yeah, talk about a fucking climax. Oh, you can control her soul as she falls? You know what? Fuck Jupiter, am I righ- I DIED??? …Okay, that makes sense. Anyways one dumb decision later, Jubileus’s body falls to the earth, brief lesbianism occurs, we destroy her body, Bayonetta dies, actually no, bisexualism occurs, Bayo winks, CREDIT ROLL!!!!
No hyperbole or anything, Bayonetta is one of my favorite games that I've played this year, and maybe one of my favorite games of all time. A must play for almost anybody. Sure, the game has it's low points (how the FUCK did i not mention Grace and Glory during this???), but overall, it's REALLY fucking fun, and serves as one of the best character action games ever made, andI'll for sure be returning for Hard Mode and afterwards, INFINITE CLIMAX (funny). Bayonetta is on Steam, PS4, and Xbox One for 10 bucks, and the game more than makes up for that price, I'd say. I'm not sure about Xbox 360 and PS3, but Bayonetta is also on Switch for $30, which is a bit of an eh deal, but hey, you get a $20 discount for Bayonetta 2 if you buy it. Speaking of Bayonetta 2, that's NOT up next, but rather Bayonetta: Bloody Fate. Yeah, for the first time in zeusdeegoose history, we have a cross-media review series (if you discount Isaac I guess). I'm still playing through Bayonetta 2, and it seems destined to be another banger, but hey, we'll see in the review. I don't know about Bayonetta 3 as I actually haven't even touched it, but from what I heard, there's some… opinions on it. But, once again we'll see. But, the moral of the story? Bayonetta is awesome and I like it. Go buy 15 copies of it right now, and I hope that you have an awesome day.