White Men Can't Jump
released on Jul 01, 1995
Are you ready for the most hyped up, monster jammin', bruisin' elbows, rebound snatchin', rim stuffin', skying over suckers, down your throat, money making game of street ball you never thought possible? Well, here it is, in your face, and it's time to get it on! Hit the courts with White Men Can't Jump!
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Before I can even think about beginning this review, I need to put in a very special shoutout to Rich Whitehouse and Digital Eclipse. You have done an incredible amount in the name of games preservation with the release of your emulator! Seriously, there is so much that needs to be done with western-developed retro consoles that people seem to have zero interest in because there's no Pokemon games to steal on them! Now I can finally play my legally dumped Jaguar games on something worthwhile!
Thanks to this new emulator I no longer need to consult a Russian hitman to whack someone to get me a damn translation for the one decent emulator for this system, and now at long last......I can play the one game that THAT emulator had major issues with! White Men Can't Jump! In Phoenix it ran like asscheeks, but here it runs fantastic. Well, as fantastic as it's supposed to. Jaguar itself kinda ran like booty.
Anywho, game itself looks like shit and an emulator that runs it properly does little to help unfortunately. You can barely see the ball most of the time due to the camera angle, and the mindless spamming of punches to knock people down guarantees constant split-second visual sleuthing to see if you have possession or not. In the meantime the game is constantly bombarding you with messages smack dab in the top-middle of the screen to announce every action that has happened in the game, like thanks! I'm well aware that I got decked by Fence of the Street Sharks. What kind of name is that anyway? You goin' fencin'? How's your pal Grip doin'? I'll give'em something to grip about.
Their team logo reminds me of a car from S.C.A.R.S. There's an obscure PS1 gen racer for ya.
To be fair, I was actually expecting worse from a game that accuses me of being so massive that I'd fail to make any kind of lift off. It's mindless as all hell and looks like shit, but I've played so much garbage that I can go "well at least I ain't lying on the ground for two hours waiting for my character to get back up!" Actually, it turns out I've got egg on my face, since it does happen if your "anger" meter gets filled. If you punch your opponent or commit a foul (goaltending and traveling are the only ones called in my short session) your "anger" goes up. Now, I don't quite understand why someone "angry" would just stay on the ground for a prolonged period of time after getting punched, but clearly the universe of White Men Can't Jump is a puzzling one. It does little to solve the problem of the game basically turning into mashing the A button when you can tell who has the ball as far as I'm aware, so it's just a dumb mechanic to annoy me the player.
I haven't seen the movie obviously, so I have no idea how canon the game is, so I assume it very much is on point with everything. Whenever I get around to not watching it, I'm gonna assume the footage is nothing but people punching each other other with shaky cam, and the same voice sound bytes of "GET OFF ME CHUMP!" and "CHILL OUT" constantly going off every two seconds.
So yeah, finally Jaguar emulation is acceptable. Now where's that CD-i emulator? There's so much hot garbage on there I want to get my hands on, and I refuse to touch goddamn MAME for that. I need to flabbergast my friends and followers with my mastery of Zombie Dinos From Planet Zeltoid and NFL Instant Replay.
Thanks to this new emulator I no longer need to consult a Russian hitman to whack someone to get me a damn translation for the one decent emulator for this system, and now at long last......I can play the one game that THAT emulator had major issues with! White Men Can't Jump! In Phoenix it ran like asscheeks, but here it runs fantastic. Well, as fantastic as it's supposed to. Jaguar itself kinda ran like booty.
Anywho, game itself looks like shit and an emulator that runs it properly does little to help unfortunately. You can barely see the ball most of the time due to the camera angle, and the mindless spamming of punches to knock people down guarantees constant split-second visual sleuthing to see if you have possession or not. In the meantime the game is constantly bombarding you with messages smack dab in the top-middle of the screen to announce every action that has happened in the game, like thanks! I'm well aware that I got decked by Fence of the Street Sharks. What kind of name is that anyway? You goin' fencin'? How's your pal Grip doin'? I'll give'em something to grip about.
Their team logo reminds me of a car from S.C.A.R.S. There's an obscure PS1 gen racer for ya.
To be fair, I was actually expecting worse from a game that accuses me of being so massive that I'd fail to make any kind of lift off. It's mindless as all hell and looks like shit, but I've played so much garbage that I can go "well at least I ain't lying on the ground for two hours waiting for my character to get back up!" Actually, it turns out I've got egg on my face, since it does happen if your "anger" meter gets filled. If you punch your opponent or commit a foul (goaltending and traveling are the only ones called in my short session) your "anger" goes up. Now, I don't quite understand why someone "angry" would just stay on the ground for a prolonged period of time after getting punched, but clearly the universe of White Men Can't Jump is a puzzling one. It does little to solve the problem of the game basically turning into mashing the A button when you can tell who has the ball as far as I'm aware, so it's just a dumb mechanic to annoy me the player.
I haven't seen the movie obviously, so I have no idea how canon the game is, so I assume it very much is on point with everything. Whenever I get around to not watching it, I'm gonna assume the footage is nothing but people punching each other other with shaky cam, and the same voice sound bytes of "GET OFF ME CHUMP!" and "CHILL OUT" constantly going off every two seconds.
So yeah, finally Jaguar emulation is acceptable. Now where's that CD-i emulator? There's so much hot garbage on there I want to get my hands on, and I refuse to touch goddamn MAME for that. I need to flabbergast my friends and followers with my mastery of Zombie Dinos From Planet Zeltoid and NFL Instant Replay.