I'm tired.

Let's play armchair game designer, because lord knows we don't have enough of them on here.

Before you can run, you must walk, and boy does Nathan Graves enjoy walking. Nathan just adores going on a stroll in Camilla's castle while his master's getting his toenails ripped off in preparation for being slaughtered in a satanic ritual. Mr. Graves wouldn't know how to run even if I slapped his dump truck ass with the world's most painful block of wood. It's a godsend that Camilla's basement houses the very shoes he needs to be able to find the joys of exercise again after he forgot how to sprint when Count Dankula played his Trap Hole card in the introduction scene. One must wonder how long it would've taken if Drac's minions didn't make such a fuck up as to leave shoes for Mr. Graves to wear for his aching strolling feet. Even with these shoes Nathan only knows how to barrel forward with wanton disregard for his own being. Alucard had it figured out already, just run with care. That's all you gotta do. For Nathan though? Only two speeds exist. Tortoise, and drunken hare riding on a Kawasaki Ninja.

The input for running in this game is bad enough with requiring me to dash dance on the dpad and kill my thumbs, but Nathan's whip attack is noticeably sluggish compared to past Classicvania outings. It may not be noticeable at first, but try ducking and whipping and go back to playing as Simon in any of the past games and you'll definitely feel it. Nathan can jump like a stiff pong paddle and can even wall jump, and trust me I'm proud of him for being able to do so, but he should stick to his day job. Wall jumping in this is automated for at least two seconds as Nathan pauses on the wall and propels himself into the direction of enemy fire that sends him careening back down the pit that he was trying to make his way up from. You will encounter this scenario a lot, I assure you, especially with Circle of the Moon's obsession with slap dashing Armor enemies everywhere with annoying attacks that can bop you from the other side of the screen. No joke, I had a moment where I thought I was hitting an Ice Armor enemy in the underground waterway safely, only to get a very pleasant surprise in the form of another spear flying from off screen and stabbing me through the adam's apple thanks to the second Ice Armor that was behind him.

The primary system is collecting some shitty Yu-Gi-Oh cards and playing Blackjack with yourself to combine two of them and give yourself some form of power up, which could range from boring effects like your whip getting an elemental bonus, or actual cool shit like turning into a bone-throwing skeleton that dies in one hit. Unfortunately, the card for turning into a glass jawed skeleton is about 95% into the game and requires killing a very specific candle enemy that requires backtracking to a who-gives-a-shit area, and kindly asking it to drop the damn card sometime this week. This is where I get to bitch about the worst part of Circle of the Moon besides Nathan's completely useless movement, and it's the outrageous drop rates. That card that I'd need for the aforementioned skeleton transformation? The drop rate is zero point four fuckin' percent. That doesn't just effect the cards either. Health items? What are those?!

Seriously, I went for hours playing this game and didn't think healing was even a thing in Circle of the Moon besides the absurdly paltry potions that give a measly 20 hit points back, or getting to one of the sparse save points that fully heals you. Hell, you don't even get healed after boss fights. I beat probably six bosses before a piece of meat suddenly dropped from an enemy, where I double-taked and went back just to stare at it for a while. There is not a shop to speak of either, shopkeepers aren't welcome in Circle of the Moon. No buyable health items for you to help with the horrendous onslaught of tedium, but you can go ahead and enjoy all those completely useless armors you get to lug around on your person. Sure is a hard game we got here, would be nice if I could have some items, but Dracula is against formal goods trading.

Circle of the Moon is about inconvenience. It inconveniences you with movement that isn't convenient for the challenge that is set up for you as it would be for past entries. The only way to make your pathetic movement less inconvenient is to find cards inconveniently hidden away in an unknown enemy's back pocket that could potentially make certain encounters flat out trivial, like the normally problematic ice element in the underground waterway, or Dracula's nigh-impossible to dodge meteor attack in the final battle. It's all an inconvenient excuse to grind if you lack information, which this game inconveniently gives you none assuming you're not playing the Advance Collection version, which was the only convenient bit from my experience. Thanks M2.

It took me about three months to finish the save file I started on the Advance Collection a ways back after I completed Harmony of Dissonance and it's toilet noises, and it's mindbogglingly to me to realize that it was around last Christmas that I replayed and finished Aria of Sorrow again on the same collection. It wasn't necessarily a skill issue, it was a thumb issue from the horrendous dash input, and my complete apathy to this game's entire philosophy of wanting to train me on it's solitaire system only for the battle arena to give me the middle finger, and take that same system away in the ultimate show of disrespectful inconvenience. It was optional, sure, but it's existence is more than enough to make me want to transition into a volcanic state. It was even more aggravating to find out that Konami apparently bumped the experience requirements up for the western releases, thus demanding me to update the list for all the times they fucked us in the ass. I needed a lot of Picross breaks, and apparently a detour to that Peach game I didn't care about.

It kinda goes without saying, but the thought of replaying this on original hardware with the bad GBA screen, no suspend save, or in-game overlay hints of what enemies are carrying cards is less appealing to me than taking an epilator to my ballsack. I'll give it a pity star for Dracula's final boss design, I guess. I guess.

Thus concludes armchair game designer session, if you enjoyed what you've read, please like, comment, subscribe, ring the dingaling, and maybe sing me a nice song.

I'm going to bed now. Goodnight.

hoooooonkmimimimimi.

+Nathan Graves dump truck ass
+Rakugakids reference
+Yo Camilla call me
+Proof of Blood

-Nathan Graves dump truck ass
-Sinking Old Sanctuary?! More like Stinking Old Sanctuary!
-Why is my hair not as nice as Hugh's
-Where's my burrito

Sparkster, my man. We gotta talk about your obsession with replacing my hedgehog-shaped heart.

You ever wish you grew up with something instead of looking at it through the lens of a jaded 30-year old who's played every piece of trashware and who-gives-a-shit release that had been readily available to them to emulate for the last two decades? You start wondering why they made the introduction fight with your rival skippable, when it's required for the golden ending due to the chaos emerald-laced sword you pull out in the cutscene afterwards, which goes along with the other six swords you're supposed to find later. Two of those swords just being things given to you, either from another fight with your rival or from some run amok stick figure mech in the final stage that sticks it into the ground for you and goes "hasta la pasta" as it heads off to Cucamonga to chill with the big wooden mannequin from Dynamite Headdy.

You ask yourself why the stage where you control your giant mech rampaging through downtown enemy territory is arguably the lowest point of the game. Why do the dumb little chicken walker mechs that the lizard soldiers use take so many rocket-propelled fist punches, thus enabling the auto-scrolling gameplay to become an act of juggling like a Tekken match? Why does Axel Gear in his already-repaired mech feel the need to show up in the background, and sometimes aim behind you where you can't interact with his giant flaming bowling balls and awkwardly punch them back to his ugly face and continue the segment? Why must we rematch in a rock'em sock'em robots bout again where I bait your projectile, and quickly run up and uppercut you in the jaw as you stare in amazement at my ability to block? How many times must we teach you this lesson old man?

Sparkster seems to have gotten a bit more jaded just like me, he's not quite as jovial and happy to be the hero like in Rocket Knight Adventures and has adopted a determined demeanor and a strut that could challenge a Belmont. He now refuses to use projectiles, because he has bought into his own hype and believes that all he needs is a sword and an expensive jetpack he bought at the Possum Boutique that automatically fills his meter. He's developed a gambling problem and started pulling slot machines full-time with all that jewelry he's acquired, and will continue doing so even after a bomb lands on top of his skull out of thin air. His overbearing hubris that has stacked on top of him after defeating the evil swine will surely be the end of him, but not if I can help it! I'll be the one to guide him to safety through the corridor-infested journey of his, and we'll surely take down the confusing mess of an airship layout that is his enemy's getaway vehicle and save the princess!

I still believe in him, for he is the coolest. Godspeed, hero boy.

Man, Nintendo keeps putting out mid and stuff I already played, I really don't want to get back to that game I really don't like and complete it out of necessity. I might need to buy a Steam Deck or dig out that Retroid Pocket in my dresser, oh woe is me...help...won't someone please help...

Trumpets sound and clouds in the sky begin parting as heavenly light shines down upon me, Jupiter Corporation descends downward offering something in hand

"Here child, 2,700 Picross puzzles across nine games, only 4.99 each plus applicable taxes..."

Bless you o' green sailor senshi of thunder and courage, I am forever in your debt.