In Plato’s Republic, Socrates opines that the gods are indeed gods when they are wholly good and are the cause of nothing bad, simple and true with no need to deceive mankind with falsehoods, and most importantly, perfect in form and thus neither need to alter themselves in any way nor require anything outside of themselves. Think about this when you’re playing this game and for the third time in a row you have to warp back to the beginning level and spend up to an hour fighting hundreds of little goddamn slugs to grind for little fuckin olives so fuckin Zeus can have his little fuckin olive treats and give you a little goddam wing bracelet to warp you to some fuck place in fuckin Greece

I'm obsessed with this game. I think everyone should play this game. That's not a joke. I want everyone to fire up an ISO of this on Duckstation and play it with your favorite controller. After you're all good and comfortable, get ready for the fight of your fucking life.

You may think you know what bad controls are for a video game. You've played games with bad button layouts, awful button delay, wonky sensitivity. When your input commands are not reciprocated, it feels like a fundamental disagreement between you and the software. Blasto takes this sentiment of disagreement and turns it into all out war.

The controls of this game are so bad, the levels are designed with it in mind. There's hardly any closed spaces in this game. Paths are wide as so to allow you to guide the vessel of sins, Blasto (R.I.P the goat Phil Hartman) across this virtual plane. I'm not going to even talk about platforming. All I can say is when you successfully grab onto a ledge, Blasto himself remarks it as an incredible achievement.

It is actually easier to kill somebody in real life and deal with the psychological ramifications of such than it is to land a shot on an enemy in this game. Most times, you have to stop moving, press L1 to aim and hope that your shots land (because sometimes they just don't) while tanking damage the entire time.

Beat two levels with this game. Just two. Then go back to your normal life and play your games with a renewed sense of appreciation for what is really good or bad controls -- akin to having a near-death experience and savoring every moment of life thereafter.

Remember, if you think you know bad controls, Blasto is coming for that ass bro.