You know that feeling when you're wiping your arse with cheap bog roll and your finger pokes through the paper so you end up fingering yourself? Unless you are into that sort of thing, it's an awful experience. That's what playing this game is like. Now, the game isn't a glitchy, broken, unplayable mess like Enter the Dragonfly was, but a part of me wishes it was that way I could get some form of entertainment or enjoyment from watching it fall apart. The game is just...really bad. The models are ugly and their animations are unusual-looking and weird. Looking at the script, it feels like they made Spongebob a bit dumber and Patrick is weirdly dickish sometimes? Thinking about it, many characters just seem to be really annoyed at Spongebob's presence at all times. I don't know. It just feels off. They actually did manage to get all of the VAs. At least, the ones they need for the core characters that aren't the weird throwaway ones that do not exist outside of the game.
I'm going to discuss the voices a bit more, and there is one aspect of these voices that makes me so unbelievably angry. It irritates me to no goddamn end. I NEED an explanation to how they could fuck this up so badly. First, I'm going to ask that all who are unfamiliar with how the French Narrator in the Spongebob series sounds listens to the voice. Then, I need everyone to hear what the French Narrator sounds like in this game. You'll notice that they sound nothing alike. Remember that I said they have all of the VAs here. In case you cannot tell, the French Narrator in the show is voiced by Tom Kenny, who voices Spongebob, Gary, and assorted secondary characters and unnamed fish. It is quite clear that Tom Kenny is not voicing the French Narrator in the game, but remember that they have all of the VAs in the game, meaning they got Tom Kenny to voice Spongebob and Gary. WHY. THE. FUCK. ISN'T HE THE FUCKING VOICE OF THE GODDAMN FRENCH NARRATOR? THERE IS NO GODDAMN EXCUSE FOR THAT UNLESS IT IS A LEVEL OF INCOMPETENCY TO RIVAL THAT OF SONIC TEAM. Maybe I'm too worked up over it, but it just pisses me off at an ungodly level. No excuse. Tom Kenny is RIGHT. FUCKING. THERE. FUCKING USE HIM. YOU ALREADY PAID FOR HIM. Maybe there is the off chance I am wrong and it is Tom Kenny, but it does not sound like him, nor is he credited as the voice of the French Narrator, at least in the manual. I don't remember if anyone is. Alright, rant over. Let's get back to the review now that that little tirade is over.
The gameplay is somewhere between meh and bad. It does work and there are interesting ideas, but a lot of it is just unenjoyable and not fun. It has a lot of platforming but also other weird gameplay things as well. None of it fun. Here's a thing: there are tiles you have to collect and when you find them all in a level, they form a picture that reveals the location of a hidden treasure, but that's not all. They take the form of everyone's favourite puzzle type: those goddamn sliding puzzles that are the bane of everyone's existence. Granted, there are only 9 tiles (technically 8 with the blank space) and the puzzles are piss easy, but still. They're slide puzzles.
The story is kind of typical and also a bit stupid. Spongebob finds a chest that held the Flying Dutchman's treasure and a bottle that had The Dutchman imprisoned within it, 'cos he's a jinn now, I guess. As punishment, he enslaves Spongebob's friends as part of his crew. You have to collect The Dutchman's hidden treasures to defeat him, kinda like collecting Dracula's body parts in Simon's Quest or some of the Igavanias, but unlike in those games it is not explained how these things are used to defeat The Dutchman from what I recall, but that may be incorrect.
The music is alright, if you're okay with only 4 songs, 6 with the two situational costumes. They change with the costumes, which is kinda cool, but they are all that you hear when you use them. From what I recall, none of them change with the levels except maybe the default Squarepants costume. MAYBE. I'd rather not play this game if it can be avoided, so I'm not going to double check. Take it with a grain of salt, I guess. The game can be beaten in a day, which is all the more better as it is less time that you have to spend with this horseshit. I'd say play it and decide for yourself, but it is best to avoid it like the plague.
I'm going to discuss the voices a bit more, and there is one aspect of these voices that makes me so unbelievably angry. It irritates me to no goddamn end. I NEED an explanation to how they could fuck this up so badly. First, I'm going to ask that all who are unfamiliar with how the French Narrator in the Spongebob series sounds listens to the voice. Then, I need everyone to hear what the French Narrator sounds like in this game. You'll notice that they sound nothing alike. Remember that I said they have all of the VAs here. In case you cannot tell, the French Narrator in the show is voiced by Tom Kenny, who voices Spongebob, Gary, and assorted secondary characters and unnamed fish. It is quite clear that Tom Kenny is not voicing the French Narrator in the game, but remember that they have all of the VAs in the game, meaning they got Tom Kenny to voice Spongebob and Gary. WHY. THE. FUCK. ISN'T HE THE FUCKING VOICE OF THE GODDAMN FRENCH NARRATOR? THERE IS NO GODDAMN EXCUSE FOR THAT UNLESS IT IS A LEVEL OF INCOMPETENCY TO RIVAL THAT OF SONIC TEAM. Maybe I'm too worked up over it, but it just pisses me off at an ungodly level. No excuse. Tom Kenny is RIGHT. FUCKING. THERE. FUCKING USE HIM. YOU ALREADY PAID FOR HIM. Maybe there is the off chance I am wrong and it is Tom Kenny, but it does not sound like him, nor is he credited as the voice of the French Narrator, at least in the manual. I don't remember if anyone is. Alright, rant over. Let's get back to the review now that that little tirade is over.
The gameplay is somewhere between meh and bad. It does work and there are interesting ideas, but a lot of it is just unenjoyable and not fun. It has a lot of platforming but also other weird gameplay things as well. None of it fun. Here's a thing: there are tiles you have to collect and when you find them all in a level, they form a picture that reveals the location of a hidden treasure, but that's not all. They take the form of everyone's favourite puzzle type: those goddamn sliding puzzles that are the bane of everyone's existence. Granted, there are only 9 tiles (technically 8 with the blank space) and the puzzles are piss easy, but still. They're slide puzzles.
The story is kind of typical and also a bit stupid. Spongebob finds a chest that held the Flying Dutchman's treasure and a bottle that had The Dutchman imprisoned within it, 'cos he's a jinn now, I guess. As punishment, he enslaves Spongebob's friends as part of his crew. You have to collect The Dutchman's hidden treasures to defeat him, kinda like collecting Dracula's body parts in Simon's Quest or some of the Igavanias, but unlike in those games it is not explained how these things are used to defeat The Dutchman from what I recall, but that may be incorrect.
The music is alright, if you're okay with only 4 songs, 6 with the two situational costumes. They change with the costumes, which is kinda cool, but they are all that you hear when you use them. From what I recall, none of them change with the levels except maybe the default Squarepants costume. MAYBE. I'd rather not play this game if it can be avoided, so I'm not going to double check. Take it with a grain of salt, I guess. The game can be beaten in a day, which is all the more better as it is less time that you have to spend with this horseshit. I'd say play it and decide for yourself, but it is best to avoid it like the plague.