I grew up during an era where McDonald's was still aggressively targeting children with their marketing. It was a time when Ronald was able to coexist with a wide cast of kid friendly characters, like Birdie the Early Bird, Captain Crook, the Fry Kids, Grimace, and of course... Goblin. By 1993, McDonald's was so comfortable pushing their slop on America's youth that they partnered with Sega to produce a Ronald McDonald platformer. It's a well-known fact that Sega contracted Treasure to develop McDonald's Treasure Land Adventure as the studio's first game, a sort of "one for you, one for us" deal to get Gunstar Heroes made. At face value, this seems like a purely business driven arrangement at both ends, but it resulted in a licensed game based on a trash fast food chain that is way better than it ever had any right to be.

Now, I have the constitution of an emaciated Victorian orphan, but I knew if I was going to play McDonald's Treasure Land Adventure for the first time since I was a child - on actual hardware no less - then I'd need to do this right. I ordered myself a large fry, a Big Mac, a Fillet-O-Fish, and washed it all down with a Grimace shake. This misadventure ended with me being hospitalized. My lawyers have advised me to not make any direct accusation against the McDonald's corporation for what is assumed to be a horrible case of food poisoning, so I will say strictly as a matter of opinion that you should not drink the Grimace shake. Not fucking once.

Treasure Land Adventure is a fairly short and easy game, consisting of only four levels and lacking much mechanical depth. It's designed for children, so this almost goes without saying, but it's lousy with that Treasure charm and is so tightly designed that I found myself having just as much fun with it as a 35-year-old. In true Treasure fashion, each level consists of several strung together set-pieces, so there's no shortage of variety despite the overall lack of level theming. Enemies smack of that unique Treasure aesthetic, too, and are so at odds with the visual design of Ronald McDonald and his friends that it's comical - in a lot of ways, this is a Treasure-ass Treasure game and the bits and pieces related to the McDonald's brand feel kind of slapped on. But it all works despite this; a testament to Treasure's creativity and talent.

All of Ronald's friends are here, and most must be saved from certain peril. Well, except for the Hamburglar. You just find that little fuck hanging out in a hidden room, and he has the audacity to shake you down for your jewels. Worst part of the game. I was so mad having to look at that little freak. Get the hell out of here! Asking me for a handout, like I owe him something? Do I look like a charity case? Does Ronald McDonald look like a chump to you??

Once Ronald collects all four parts of the treasure map and ascends to the moon - nearly stranding himself and all his friends on the surface in the process - he reveals that he never really cared about the treasure and has no desire for money (a lie.) The whole reason this game exists was so Ronald could sell kids a full price product that in turn acted as an advertising vehicle for his garbage food. A vicious marketing cycle that preyed on the young and, apparently, the old as well. The McDonaldland characters have been roused from their years long slumber, existing now as a means to exploit nostalgia for profit. You might think the Grimace shake is for kids, but it's not... It's for you, the very person who Treasure Land Adventure was for in 1993. You've grown, but your cash spends the same.

Roughly two hours after the credits rolled, I felt the first intense twinge of pain in my stomach. Their poison worked its way through my body [personal opinion, not legally actionable], leaving me weak and deformed. Though I lay here recovering, the wheels of vengeance already roar with life, their fury powering an infernal engine called 'revenge'.

Tell Grimace I lived.