This review contains spoilers
Final Fantasy VII Rebirth comes hot on the heels of Remake, and is tasked with the burden of delivering on that game's promises of giving everyone everything they wanted. We pick up Rebirth knowing that the characters struggle against fate and predestination, with the tempting premise whispered in our ears that maybe, this time, we can save gaming's favourite white girl and send the plot in a tizzying new direction. Rebirth is not made by stupid people, and the game dangles that promise before you for 35-50 hours. Sizzling reveals and breaking the chains of fate? That shit is just around the corner. Just over the next hill. Just past the next town. Just after this next sidequest. Just press X three times in this cave. Just after this shooter section. Just after this flashback. Just gotta loot these bear asses. Just have to finish playing some weird chocobo obstacle course. Just after these credits. ... wait.
Rebirth is Square-Enix cowardice at its absolute peak. It's too afraid to commit to doing anything, so it does everything. For example, Cloud is more possessed and fucked up than ever before. As Sephiroth proclaims ownership over him and the two walk away into a fade to white, you dare yourself to think: are they going to take him out of the party? Will we face down a totally mindfreaked Cloud and send this off the rails? No, of course not. Gameplay resumes, and it's onto the next location. Don't think about that cutscene too much, it just looked cool. Or the many whispered moments where it looks like Aerith and Tifa are trying to reconstruct their knowledge of the game's plot. That was cool, what could it mean? Is Cloud the only sucker in a party full of loopers? Who knows, it's never touched on. Have another shot of Sephiroth purring for the camera. I could go on. There are a million instances where something cool and different is hinted at, and then thrown into the trash. I hate it. The story is a disappointment. It all ends with nothing changed, Aerith dead, and the party headed to the northern crater. Wow, so different!
Let's leave all the talk of Meta and Timelines there and conclude that you can play one of a hundred Visual Novels on Steam that probably find a cooler way to swing a good Time Fuck. This game doesn't manage it.
Rebirth shines when it is doing character moments, or having a lot of fun with blowing open much smaller segments from the original Final Fantasy VII. The Junon Parade section is an excellent example. Everything is firing on all cylinders here. Everyone is having so much damn fun. A whole battalion of hoo-ah troopers are following you around waiting for you to teach them how to dance and prance real good. Barrett looks damn good in a sailor suit. It's hilarious, stylish, and has wild surprises like Yuffie trying to assassinate Rufus Shinra and nearly succeeding. That's cool. The Gold Saucer is also excellent as a dazzling neon-lit Disneyworld whose entrance gives off big Dubai vibes, with the private helicopter landing pads and million-dollar-row hotel look. It's really inspired. Whenever Rebirth is expanding on this good stuff, or showing us more of the character to our party members, it's some good fucking gaming. I enjoyed that a lot. It's just the ghostly timeline metaplot which feels like a flavorless bowl of oatmeal, once the credits roll.
Outside of the fantastic soundtrack, the rest of the game doesn't elicit particularly strong reactions from me. It's mechanically very fun to fight things and beat people up, if a little mushy when trying to target specific body parts on large and aerial bosses. Some kind of better sub-targeting is needed, and does show up towards the very end, so maybe this was something they noticed internally. Who knows. The open world is largely forgettable and I am sick of doing quests for Chadley, so I'm not looking forward to whatever they implement in the next game. I am not particularly excited for the next game. I'll play it, it's just not something I'm excited for since the promise of The Unknown Journey from Remake turned out to be The Same Journey, Bitch.
Final Fantasy VII Rebirth is a video game you can enjoy.
Rebirth is Square-Enix cowardice at its absolute peak. It's too afraid to commit to doing anything, so it does everything. For example, Cloud is more possessed and fucked up than ever before. As Sephiroth proclaims ownership over him and the two walk away into a fade to white, you dare yourself to think: are they going to take him out of the party? Will we face down a totally mindfreaked Cloud and send this off the rails? No, of course not. Gameplay resumes, and it's onto the next location. Don't think about that cutscene too much, it just looked cool. Or the many whispered moments where it looks like Aerith and Tifa are trying to reconstruct their knowledge of the game's plot. That was cool, what could it mean? Is Cloud the only sucker in a party full of loopers? Who knows, it's never touched on. Have another shot of Sephiroth purring for the camera. I could go on. There are a million instances where something cool and different is hinted at, and then thrown into the trash. I hate it. The story is a disappointment. It all ends with nothing changed, Aerith dead, and the party headed to the northern crater. Wow, so different!
Let's leave all the talk of Meta and Timelines there and conclude that you can play one of a hundred Visual Novels on Steam that probably find a cooler way to swing a good Time Fuck. This game doesn't manage it.
Rebirth shines when it is doing character moments, or having a lot of fun with blowing open much smaller segments from the original Final Fantasy VII. The Junon Parade section is an excellent example. Everything is firing on all cylinders here. Everyone is having so much damn fun. A whole battalion of hoo-ah troopers are following you around waiting for you to teach them how to dance and prance real good. Barrett looks damn good in a sailor suit. It's hilarious, stylish, and has wild surprises like Yuffie trying to assassinate Rufus Shinra and nearly succeeding. That's cool. The Gold Saucer is also excellent as a dazzling neon-lit Disneyworld whose entrance gives off big Dubai vibes, with the private helicopter landing pads and million-dollar-row hotel look. It's really inspired. Whenever Rebirth is expanding on this good stuff, or showing us more of the character to our party members, it's some good fucking gaming. I enjoyed that a lot. It's just the ghostly timeline metaplot which feels like a flavorless bowl of oatmeal, once the credits roll.
Outside of the fantastic soundtrack, the rest of the game doesn't elicit particularly strong reactions from me. It's mechanically very fun to fight things and beat people up, if a little mushy when trying to target specific body parts on large and aerial bosses. Some kind of better sub-targeting is needed, and does show up towards the very end, so maybe this was something they noticed internally. Who knows. The open world is largely forgettable and I am sick of doing quests for Chadley, so I'm not looking forward to whatever they implement in the next game. I am not particularly excited for the next game. I'll play it, it's just not something I'm excited for since the promise of The Unknown Journey from Remake turned out to be The Same Journey, Bitch.
Final Fantasy VII Rebirth is a video game you can enjoy.