Alright, gather 'round, 'cause we're diving headfirst into the dumpster fire that is "Batman: Arkham Knight." Strap in, folks, 'cause this one's gonna be a wild fucking ride.
Now, if you've been following along with our journey through the Arkham series, you know we've seen some shit. From the highs of "Arkham City" to the lows of "Arkham Origins," we thought we'd seen it all. But then along comes "Arkham Knight" to slap us in the face with disappointment.
Let's start with the story, or lack thereof. We've gone from the dark, gritty narratives of the previous games to this convoluted mess that's about as coherent as a drunk guy trying to explain string theory. And don't even get me started on the Red Hood. I mean, seriously, who thought it was a good idea to turn one of Batman's most badass enemies into a whiny little bitch? "Oh, why didn't you kill the Joker sooner, Batman?" Give me a fucking break.
And speaking of breaks, let's talk about the Batmobile. Oh boy, where do I even begin? Controlling that tank is like trying to navigate rush hour traffic in a clown car – frustrating as hell and ultimately pointless. And don't even get me started on those godawful tank battles. It's like the developers saw "Transformers" and said, "Hey, let's make a game out of this!" Spoiler alert: it fucking sucks.
But hey, let's not forget about Jason Todd, the world's biggest crybaby. Seriously, dude, get over yourself. Batman didn't kill the Joker because he's not a goddamn psychopath like you. Maybe if you spent less time whining and more time honing your ninja skills, you wouldn't have ended up as a second-rate villain.
In the end, "Batman: Arkham Knight" is like that friend who promises you a night of wild partying but ends up dragging you to a shitty dive bar instead. It's disappointing, it's frustrating, and it's about as enjoyable as a root canal. So do yourself a favor and skip this one – Gotham deserves better, and so do you.
Now, if you thought the story was a mess, just wait until we get into the goddamn dialogue.
Let's start with Jason Todd, aka the Red Hood, aka the whiniest little shit Gotham has ever seen. Seriously, this guy's got a bone to pick with Batman bigger than the Batmobile itself. Every time he opens his mouth, it's like nails on a chalkboard – "Why didn't you kill him sooner, Batman?" Oh, I don't know, maybe because I had other shit to deal with, like saving the goddamn city?
And speaking of saving the city, let's talk about the Batmobile. Oh boy, what a fucking nightmare. I swear, trying to drive that tank is like trying to parallel park a goddamn semi-truck in rush hour traffic. And don't even get me started on the Riddler races – who the hell thought those were a good idea?
But hey, it's not all bad, right? I mean, at least we get to see Batman brooding in his cave for the millionth time. Oh joy, another night of staring at the Batcomputer and contemplating my tragic existence. Riveting stuff, really.
In the end, "Batman: Arkham Knight" is like that one guy at the party who just won't shut the fuck up about his problems. We get it, Batman, you're tortured and brooding and all that shit. But guess what? So are we, after playing this goddamn game.
Now, if you've been following along with our journey through the Arkham series, you know we've seen some shit. From the highs of "Arkham City" to the lows of "Arkham Origins," we thought we'd seen it all. But then along comes "Arkham Knight" to slap us in the face with disappointment.
Let's start with the story, or lack thereof. We've gone from the dark, gritty narratives of the previous games to this convoluted mess that's about as coherent as a drunk guy trying to explain string theory. And don't even get me started on the Red Hood. I mean, seriously, who thought it was a good idea to turn one of Batman's most badass enemies into a whiny little bitch? "Oh, why didn't you kill the Joker sooner, Batman?" Give me a fucking break.
And speaking of breaks, let's talk about the Batmobile. Oh boy, where do I even begin? Controlling that tank is like trying to navigate rush hour traffic in a clown car – frustrating as hell and ultimately pointless. And don't even get me started on those godawful tank battles. It's like the developers saw "Transformers" and said, "Hey, let's make a game out of this!" Spoiler alert: it fucking sucks.
But hey, let's not forget about Jason Todd, the world's biggest crybaby. Seriously, dude, get over yourself. Batman didn't kill the Joker because he's not a goddamn psychopath like you. Maybe if you spent less time whining and more time honing your ninja skills, you wouldn't have ended up as a second-rate villain.
In the end, "Batman: Arkham Knight" is like that friend who promises you a night of wild partying but ends up dragging you to a shitty dive bar instead. It's disappointing, it's frustrating, and it's about as enjoyable as a root canal. So do yourself a favor and skip this one – Gotham deserves better, and so do you.
Now, if you thought the story was a mess, just wait until we get into the goddamn dialogue.
Let's start with Jason Todd, aka the Red Hood, aka the whiniest little shit Gotham has ever seen. Seriously, this guy's got a bone to pick with Batman bigger than the Batmobile itself. Every time he opens his mouth, it's like nails on a chalkboard – "Why didn't you kill him sooner, Batman?" Oh, I don't know, maybe because I had other shit to deal with, like saving the goddamn city?
And speaking of saving the city, let's talk about the Batmobile. Oh boy, what a fucking nightmare. I swear, trying to drive that tank is like trying to parallel park a goddamn semi-truck in rush hour traffic. And don't even get me started on the Riddler races – who the hell thought those were a good idea?
But hey, it's not all bad, right? I mean, at least we get to see Batman brooding in his cave for the millionth time. Oh joy, another night of staring at the Batcomputer and contemplating my tragic existence. Riveting stuff, really.
In the end, "Batman: Arkham Knight" is like that one guy at the party who just won't shut the fuck up about his problems. We get it, Batman, you're tortured and brooding and all that shit. But guess what? So are we, after playing this goddamn game.