When I was a child, there were three games that pretty much any other kid you met was guaranteed to have played: Tekken 3, Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, and The House of the Dead. While the latter did not have the staying power of the other two, particularly after the rail shooter genre died out, HOTD was very impactful in its time. Alongside Resident Evil, it revived zombies in the public imagination - going so far as to inspire the likes of George A. Romero. So when I heard the news that one of my most beloved childhood games was getting a remake, I was ecstatic.

Until I watched some gameplay footage, anyway. But I believe watching a game and playing it are often two very different experiences, so here we are: I've finally played through House of the Dead Remake.

It's a pile of shit. This has to be one of the worst remakes I've ever played. Given Sega's lack of interest in reanimating this old zombie, I feel like developer MegaPixel and publisher Forever Entertainment's main interests lay in wresting some nostalgia dollars from people who grew up playing the original, because this is clearly not an attempt to introduce a classic to a new generation of fans. There simply isn't enough effort put in. Gone are the iconic character designs, the vibrant and striking colour palette, the campy fun, the well-animated violence, the punchy sound effects and the incredible soundtrack.

Instead, what we've got here is a washed-out blob of mediocrity. Everything is functional, and nothing more. The art design is hideous, with only the Hermit boss looking decent, and it's hard to even tell things apart. The fluid effects - blood, slime, water, lava - are distractingly bad and feel like they come from a pre-alpha version of the game. The guns sound like toys. They feel weak too, because the ragdoll physics are so limp compared to the hand-animated reactions of enemies in the 1996 game. I could go on and on.

The original House of the Dead had a distinct corny charm born from its lack of self-awareness. House of the Dead Remake feels like it's trying to border on parody, but it doesn't even accomplish that. For whatever odd reason, the serious parts have been made more serious and the comic parts more comic, and the end result doesn't mesh well.

The most heinous crime of all is the soundtrack. The original House of the Dead boasts some of the best arcade music in history. House of the Dead Remake's OST sounds like a YouTube musician making HOTD-inspired music, and you know how YouTube musicians are. Everything has been douched up with excessive synths and shred-metal wankery. No sense of proportion. I know, I know, Forever Entertainment didn't license the original's soundtrack and the composer's Twinkies were too soggy and bla bla bla. I also don't give a shit; I have my own problems. This soundtrack isn't bad just compared to the original, it's bad by itself. It sounds like circus music, and strengthens my feeling that no one making this remake was interested in the cohesive whole as much as their own contribution.

This is a very harsh assessment, but I feel MegaPixel's dev team were simply too immature. Talented people who are probably big fans of the original game, but have neither honed their craft nor learned about subtlety enough to have a project like this outsourced to them. The emojis in the loading screens contributed to this conclusion. [¬º-°]¬

Playing House of the Dead Remake is like drinking a soda after it's gone flat. It wears the skin of the original, but lacks the heart. 'Soul vs soulless remake' is a bit of a meme, but I feel it really applies here. The original game managed to do more with technology 25 years in the past. Go play that.