[This is from the elk vault, a fully finished review that i never posted. Written back in february. I thought better release it before the leakers get it, u know what im saying? pls enjoy.]
I’ve given this game so many chances. When i was playing hollow knight i was thinking “damn its so good when i play a critically acclaimed game and it lives up to the hype.” Well why don’t I go back in time and dunk myself in a pool of cat bones for jinxing it so hard? I have been playing this game since 2019. I started when I was in high school and now it’s been so long that it’s become creepy for me to play this. Nothing in this game was cut, they threw all the shit they wanted in there with no regard for anything. With every second that goes by I dislike the game more. Which sucks for the game because it's 100 billion hours long. The game overall just feels like it’s only working because all the parts are stuck together with sticky tack and rubber bands. Your character controls soooo shittily. So crap. The way you maneuver around is so unnatural and weird and bad. It feels like I’m controlling a car in the shape of an anime boy with 3 kilograms of hair. Some parts you can only progress by using the detective vision to see which of the 3 little steps you have to press x on to jump. Or rather activate the jump cutscene and to teleport you onto the next platform. There is nothing in this game that feels smooth or natural except the turn based combat, which is pretty fun and stylish but oh my god it gets so old. I’m sick of it. The same song every time and usually in dungeons you fight a pool of like 4 or 5 enemies total. Once u figure out their weaknesses you use the same moves with the same animations on the same dudes and u stun em and u ask for their money or do the big all out attack animation again.
“Oh elk u hate turn based combat”
No I don’t, assface… Chrono trigger is fun. Like a dragon is fun. This is a cool system with some cool stuff I admit. But the enemies u fight r lame. The dungeons are boring too. They try to do a little baby stealth thing and tell u to ohh maybe sneak around but the stealth is soooooo dogcrap-diabetes tier that you can stand in front of a guy and he won't see you. You hide on a corner and wait for him to pass and go. If you wanna get rid of him you gotta fight 4 of these guys you already fought. You hit em with the attack they’re weak to, wait 35 minutes for the outro animation where ann does a strip show for the camera and u can continue with the game. Gameplay? MOSTLY BAD.
Story? Don’t get me started. This is anime. And not good anime like 1 punch man. This is crap anime like that stuff YOU watch. (sorry elksters I don’t mean to insinuate that you have bad taste in anime. I'm sorry! -editorial) I legit was considering fully dropping the game by the beach cutscene. And they still keep the -san, -chan, whatever stuff in the english dub. So they're saying hey john chan do you want to go eat at that restaurant? And it's weird cause it's in english but they've got the chan stuff. Whatever. U know what? I don’t care. I just remembered how much I don’t care about the story. It’s bad and that’s all you need to know. I just want to go home. So i’m gonna write a couple dozen more paragraphs on why I hate every one of the characters and you can like the review and we can leave, okay? Does that sound good to you? Good. That’s good. Hang in there pal.
Ryuji. My buddy. My homie. You’re alright. You’re safe from my wrath. You were the only one I could stand. Morgana. Shut the fuck up and stop being so mean to Ryuji. Stop following me into the bathroom. You’re not a cat, you're a dude that looks like a cat. It’s creepy. Ann. You’re also sort of chill but your voice is annoying. Stop inviting me to your modeling things. Yusuke. You’re kind of funny but I wouldn’t want to be friends with you in real life. You’re an anime stereotype. If you were a real person I would request a restraining order. You’re like the Pierce Hawthorne of the group. No offense. Pierce was my favourite. Well, actually Troy is my favourite but Ryuji is Troy. Kawakami. Get the fuck out of my dm’s before I demolish you. Creepy bitch. Grown ass woman hitting me up at night calling me master. Restraining order on this chick too. Reporter chick, same as above. Mishima. Same as above but just the ‘get out of my dms’ part. Maybe not a restraining order, maybe I’d just block his number and avoid him at school. Makoto. Anyone ever told you it’s not cool to come to a group of friends and say “let me join you or else I'm telling the teacher you’re excluding me” ? and then you come in and be mean to Ryuji. If we’re letting you in, I know you won’t stop being a total nerd loser but at least don’t be mean to Ryuji. Futaba. Wahhh my mom my mom wahhh get over it and get over it NOW. I don’t care, stop crying about it and go take a shower. Shut up about being a gamer and push your glasses up; they look like they're about to fall. And stop being mean to Ryuji. Iwai. Hiiii how are you hahahahhaha gosh Iwai you’re so cool. Can you tell me what THIS gun does? Oh my goshhhh you’re so freaking smart hahahhaa loll. Haru. You are fine. I hope you have a wonderful and fulfilling life. Good luck on those plants. But you are rich and I’m still the one buying all the guns and shit for the phantom thieves. It’s like Clark Kent buying the justice league a space station on a daily bugle reporter budget with Bruce Wayne right there. Akechi, why do you talk like that? Your voice is weird. You talk like one of those “boyfriend comforts you after a nightmare” ASMR audios. Not that I would know.
The music is great at least and the hud stuff is unique and cool. I love the subway system. The whole first palace was really fun and actually pretty hype. It’s a unique setup having to go to school and balance life and secret dream dungeon stuff, even if it was really shittily done. I hope a competent developer takes over that idea and we get, like, a shazam game where you have to go to school and at any time during any cutscene or whatever you can press a button to say shazam and turn into captain marvel and get arrested and game over. Wouldn’t that be sick?
What else? Oh whatever, I’m done. This game sucks, the story sucks, and you have one friend who you can stand while random older chicks spam your dms all the time while you’re trying to do pull ups in the attic. Well, I guess it is pretty accurate to my high school experience in that way.
I’ve given this game so many chances. When i was playing hollow knight i was thinking “damn its so good when i play a critically acclaimed game and it lives up to the hype.” Well why don’t I go back in time and dunk myself in a pool of cat bones for jinxing it so hard? I have been playing this game since 2019. I started when I was in high school and now it’s been so long that it’s become creepy for me to play this. Nothing in this game was cut, they threw all the shit they wanted in there with no regard for anything. With every second that goes by I dislike the game more. Which sucks for the game because it's 100 billion hours long. The game overall just feels like it’s only working because all the parts are stuck together with sticky tack and rubber bands. Your character controls soooo shittily. So crap. The way you maneuver around is so unnatural and weird and bad. It feels like I’m controlling a car in the shape of an anime boy with 3 kilograms of hair. Some parts you can only progress by using the detective vision to see which of the 3 little steps you have to press x on to jump. Or rather activate the jump cutscene and to teleport you onto the next platform. There is nothing in this game that feels smooth or natural except the turn based combat, which is pretty fun and stylish but oh my god it gets so old. I’m sick of it. The same song every time and usually in dungeons you fight a pool of like 4 or 5 enemies total. Once u figure out their weaknesses you use the same moves with the same animations on the same dudes and u stun em and u ask for their money or do the big all out attack animation again.
“Oh elk u hate turn based combat”
No I don’t, assface… Chrono trigger is fun. Like a dragon is fun. This is a cool system with some cool stuff I admit. But the enemies u fight r lame. The dungeons are boring too. They try to do a little baby stealth thing and tell u to ohh maybe sneak around but the stealth is soooooo dogcrap-diabetes tier that you can stand in front of a guy and he won't see you. You hide on a corner and wait for him to pass and go. If you wanna get rid of him you gotta fight 4 of these guys you already fought. You hit em with the attack they’re weak to, wait 35 minutes for the outro animation where ann does a strip show for the camera and u can continue with the game. Gameplay? MOSTLY BAD.
Story? Don’t get me started. This is anime. And not good anime like 1 punch man. This is crap anime like that stuff YOU watch. (sorry elksters I don’t mean to insinuate that you have bad taste in anime. I'm sorry! -editorial) I legit was considering fully dropping the game by the beach cutscene. And they still keep the -san, -chan, whatever stuff in the english dub. So they're saying hey john chan do you want to go eat at that restaurant? And it's weird cause it's in english but they've got the chan stuff. Whatever. U know what? I don’t care. I just remembered how much I don’t care about the story. It’s bad and that’s all you need to know. I just want to go home. So i’m gonna write a couple dozen more paragraphs on why I hate every one of the characters and you can like the review and we can leave, okay? Does that sound good to you? Good. That’s good. Hang in there pal.
Ryuji. My buddy. My homie. You’re alright. You’re safe from my wrath. You were the only one I could stand. Morgana. Shut the fuck up and stop being so mean to Ryuji. Stop following me into the bathroom. You’re not a cat, you're a dude that looks like a cat. It’s creepy. Ann. You’re also sort of chill but your voice is annoying. Stop inviting me to your modeling things. Yusuke. You’re kind of funny but I wouldn’t want to be friends with you in real life. You’re an anime stereotype. If you were a real person I would request a restraining order. You’re like the Pierce Hawthorne of the group. No offense. Pierce was my favourite. Well, actually Troy is my favourite but Ryuji is Troy. Kawakami. Get the fuck out of my dm’s before I demolish you. Creepy bitch. Grown ass woman hitting me up at night calling me master. Restraining order on this chick too. Reporter chick, same as above. Mishima. Same as above but just the ‘get out of my dms’ part. Maybe not a restraining order, maybe I’d just block his number and avoid him at school. Makoto. Anyone ever told you it’s not cool to come to a group of friends and say “let me join you or else I'm telling the teacher you’re excluding me” ? and then you come in and be mean to Ryuji. If we’re letting you in, I know you won’t stop being a total nerd loser but at least don’t be mean to Ryuji. Futaba. Wahhh my mom my mom wahhh get over it and get over it NOW. I don’t care, stop crying about it and go take a shower. Shut up about being a gamer and push your glasses up; they look like they're about to fall. And stop being mean to Ryuji. Iwai. Hiiii how are you hahahahhaha gosh Iwai you’re so cool. Can you tell me what THIS gun does? Oh my goshhhh you’re so freaking smart hahahhaa loll. Haru. You are fine. I hope you have a wonderful and fulfilling life. Good luck on those plants. But you are rich and I’m still the one buying all the guns and shit for the phantom thieves. It’s like Clark Kent buying the justice league a space station on a daily bugle reporter budget with Bruce Wayne right there. Akechi, why do you talk like that? Your voice is weird. You talk like one of those “boyfriend comforts you after a nightmare” ASMR audios. Not that I would know.
The music is great at least and the hud stuff is unique and cool. I love the subway system. The whole first palace was really fun and actually pretty hype. It’s a unique setup having to go to school and balance life and secret dream dungeon stuff, even if it was really shittily done. I hope a competent developer takes over that idea and we get, like, a shazam game where you have to go to school and at any time during any cutscene or whatever you can press a button to say shazam and turn into captain marvel and get arrested and game over. Wouldn’t that be sick?
What else? Oh whatever, I’m done. This game sucks, the story sucks, and you have one friend who you can stand while random older chicks spam your dms all the time while you’re trying to do pull ups in the attic. Well, I guess it is pretty accurate to my high school experience in that way.
2 Comments
@thealexmott ur finger accidentally hits the x button during a pop quiz and boom game over
thealexmott
10 months ago