JoshyBray
The worst thing to happen in 2001.
The year is 3248. Civilisation lies in ruins. The human race is near extinction. I'M STILL SHOOTING THIS DROIDEKA HOW MANY BULLETS DO THEY TAKE FUCKING DIE. AND THAT'S IF I CAN REACH THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE, YOUR MOVEMENT SPEED IN THIS GAME IS COMPARABLE TO ME CIRCA 1998, AKA A TITTY SUCKING 1 YEAR OLD.
The game's awesome, the sprawling landscapes, intricate corridor networks and vehicle variety make the scope feel HUGE and, when you finally do find an enemy after five minutes, you find ALL the enemies, leading to frantic, adrenaline fuelled clusterfucks where the fast time to kill assures high pressure standoffs and a feeling of flow state as your momentum hurls you from enemy to enemy.
The jank elements get fixed in the sequel, meaning there's not really much reason to play this nowadays as it's literally just this game but better, but on its own merits it's fucking fire.
The game's awesome, the sprawling landscapes, intricate corridor networks and vehicle variety make the scope feel HUGE and, when you finally do find an enemy after five minutes, you find ALL the enemies, leading to frantic, adrenaline fuelled clusterfucks where the fast time to kill assures high pressure standoffs and a feeling of flow state as your momentum hurls you from enemy to enemy.
The jank elements get fixed in the sequel, meaning there's not really much reason to play this nowadays as it's literally just this game but better, but on its own merits it's fucking fire.
I look back on my syphilis diagnosis more fondly than my time with this game. Literally just Candy Crush but WOAH SOME OF THE TILES ARE CONDOMS, THAT'S ADULT HUMOUR, LIKE THE SHOW, CONDOMS HAHAHA. And sometimes a Peter jpeg will pop up with some random show soundbite just so they can call it a "Family Guy game". THE cynical cash grab, bullshit ass fuck off
BEST GAME OF ALL TIME HOLY FUCK WOOOOOOO
THE OPEN WORLD DESIGN, MASTERFUL. Going from one place to the next feels like a ROAD TRIP. Winding roads with fluctuating verticality and changing terrain textures constantly give the player micro challenges to overcome as they drive. Navigating around a mud hill, avoiding traffic on the high speed motorways, interconnected pathways, it's never just a simple drive to your destination. GTA V is much bigger than San Andreas, yet San Andreas FEELS WAY bigger, because San Andreas has every inch optimised to be as engaging as possible, the kind of design you don't even realise is design because it feels so natural.
With such an incredible foundation, the rest of the game FUCKS. III and Vice City's missions were designed around CHAOS, which also serves as San Andreas' basis. People always dismiss GTA's missions as "drive here, kill everyone, then drive here", which is kinda missing the point. The missions are designed around the META, designed around the pacing and capturing that flow state. Get in car. Two minute limit. Go. Now. GO QUICK FUCK. Swerve between traffic. Smash fire hydrants. Run over pedestrians. Swerve. Smash. Swerve. Arrive. Enemies everywhere. Gun one down in seconds. Chain that momentum to the next one. Then the next. Someone shooting you from behind. Kill them. Someone else shooting from above. Kill them. Then the next. Then the next. THREE MINUTES TO DRIVE HERE. RUN TO CAR. SWERVE. SWERVE. SMASH. YAAAAHHHH
San Andreas builds on this foundation with money. Rockstar are fucking RICH now, EVERY mission is a GRAND SETPIECE SPECTACLE. SKYDIVING ONTO CASINO ROOFTOPS. BLOWING UP DAMS. KATANA FIGHTS ON A CARGO SHIP LET'S FUCKING GO ROOOAAARRR. All fuelled through that CHAOS Rockstar DNA, bouncing from high speed freeway chase to close quarters scramble to high speed street corner chase, you snort cocaine to unwind after playing this.
Even the writing is jacked. III and Vice City ripped off every mob film in existence, like every character was just copy and pasted from Godfather and Scarface. If you've seen those films it's fun but kinda shallow, the cutscenes are amusing but not necessarily captivating. San Andreas takes those elements and uses it for satire and commentary. The racist cop that hates immigrants is called Pulaski. PULASKI. YOUR FAMILY ARE POLISH IMMIGRANTS AND YOU HATE IMMIGRANTS, YOU DENSE MOTHERFUCKER. The cop that abuses his power to harass black people? He's not only black, but THE black guy, Samuel L El El Jackson. Most of the characters are ironic archetypes, giving the world a comedic underpinning that is gold. Combine that with a plot that takes GTA's "rags to riches" structure and applies it to a grand, sweeping narrative of betrayal, governmental conspiracy and racial and socio-economic tensions, and oh my god FUUUUUUCK.
TURRET SECTIONS THOUGH WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT
Overall though, HOLY SHIT YOOOOOOO
THE OPEN WORLD DESIGN, MASTERFUL. Going from one place to the next feels like a ROAD TRIP. Winding roads with fluctuating verticality and changing terrain textures constantly give the player micro challenges to overcome as they drive. Navigating around a mud hill, avoiding traffic on the high speed motorways, interconnected pathways, it's never just a simple drive to your destination. GTA V is much bigger than San Andreas, yet San Andreas FEELS WAY bigger, because San Andreas has every inch optimised to be as engaging as possible, the kind of design you don't even realise is design because it feels so natural.
With such an incredible foundation, the rest of the game FUCKS. III and Vice City's missions were designed around CHAOS, which also serves as San Andreas' basis. People always dismiss GTA's missions as "drive here, kill everyone, then drive here", which is kinda missing the point. The missions are designed around the META, designed around the pacing and capturing that flow state. Get in car. Two minute limit. Go. Now. GO QUICK FUCK. Swerve between traffic. Smash fire hydrants. Run over pedestrians. Swerve. Smash. Swerve. Arrive. Enemies everywhere. Gun one down in seconds. Chain that momentum to the next one. Then the next. Someone shooting you from behind. Kill them. Someone else shooting from above. Kill them. Then the next. Then the next. THREE MINUTES TO DRIVE HERE. RUN TO CAR. SWERVE. SWERVE. SMASH. YAAAAHHHH
San Andreas builds on this foundation with money. Rockstar are fucking RICH now, EVERY mission is a GRAND SETPIECE SPECTACLE. SKYDIVING ONTO CASINO ROOFTOPS. BLOWING UP DAMS. KATANA FIGHTS ON A CARGO SHIP LET'S FUCKING GO ROOOAAARRR. All fuelled through that CHAOS Rockstar DNA, bouncing from high speed freeway chase to close quarters scramble to high speed street corner chase, you snort cocaine to unwind after playing this.
Even the writing is jacked. III and Vice City ripped off every mob film in existence, like every character was just copy and pasted from Godfather and Scarface. If you've seen those films it's fun but kinda shallow, the cutscenes are amusing but not necessarily captivating. San Andreas takes those elements and uses it for satire and commentary. The racist cop that hates immigrants is called Pulaski. PULASKI. YOUR FAMILY ARE POLISH IMMIGRANTS AND YOU HATE IMMIGRANTS, YOU DENSE MOTHERFUCKER. The cop that abuses his power to harass black people? He's not only black, but THE black guy, Samuel L El El Jackson. Most of the characters are ironic archetypes, giving the world a comedic underpinning that is gold. Combine that with a plot that takes GTA's "rags to riches" structure and applies it to a grand, sweeping narrative of betrayal, governmental conspiracy and racial and socio-economic tensions, and oh my god FUUUUUUCK.
TURRET SECTIONS THOUGH WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT
Overall though, HOLY SHIT YOOOOOOO
QUICK TIME EVENTS ROOOOAAAARRRR
THE GAME'S ASS DUDE WHY'D THEY DO THAT. Just the most restrictive, clunky mechanics, it feels on rails half the time with how little freedom you have. And that's when you're not just pressing the on screen button prompts ROOOOAAAARRRR
Some actions require pressing like three buttons in a row with very specific timing, I just wanna hit a scoop slam fam why I gotta remember button combos longer than Pi
You can import the roster from SmackDown vs. Raw 2009... THE WORST SVR GAME LMAOOO FUCK THIS GAME AND YOU READING THIS
THE GAME'S ASS DUDE WHY'D THEY DO THAT. Just the most restrictive, clunky mechanics, it feels on rails half the time with how little freedom you have. And that's when you're not just pressing the on screen button prompts ROOOOAAAARRRR
Some actions require pressing like three buttons in a row with very specific timing, I just wanna hit a scoop slam fam why I gotta remember button combos longer than Pi
You can import the roster from SmackDown vs. Raw 2009... THE WORST SVR GAME LMAOOO FUCK THIS GAME AND YOU READING THIS
2008
THE GRAPHICS HOLY FUCK KURT ANGLE'S NIPPLE SWEAT IS GORGEOUS
This game's an incredible FOUNDATION, loads of great ideas that even the WWE games would end up copying. Reversing reversals, deeper interaction with the ring like standing on the apron and choosing dive direction, light and heavy move modifiers; the core mechanics have weight and feel immensely satisfying... if only there was more of it.
There's like FIVE moves in this game that EVERYONE does. WHY IS KEVIN NASH DOING ARM DRAGS, HE CAN'T EVEN WALK. WHY IS ANYONE BUT AJ "ALLEN JONES" STYLES DOING THE STYLIN' DDT, THAT'S HIS ONE THING FUCK OUTTA HERE SENSHI. Such samey, limited movesets SLAUGHTER the replay value.
The story mode is equally hit and miss. It 100% was written on meth, a batshit insane story where you travel from the Mexican indies to military encampments all the way up the TNA X Division, tag and world title divisions, it has a HUGE scope with stories directly crafted around TNA's most unique personalities, you WILL leave this game an Eric Young fan it's incredible.
But every time the story gains momentum, you suddenly have to do three random matches against the fuck ugliest created wrestlers you've ever seen. The designer MUST HAVE been blind since a young boy, it's the only explanation that adds up. To be fair the Create a Wrestler IS absolute ASS. Do I want Generic Trunks 1 or Generic Trunks 1 But With The American Flag On? I'll just play as Alex Shelley thanks. The constant padding ruins what would have been an awesome story, I just wanna get revenge on Hernandez who the fuck is Afro Thunder.
Awesome game that could've been amazing
This game's an incredible FOUNDATION, loads of great ideas that even the WWE games would end up copying. Reversing reversals, deeper interaction with the ring like standing on the apron and choosing dive direction, light and heavy move modifiers; the core mechanics have weight and feel immensely satisfying... if only there was more of it.
There's like FIVE moves in this game that EVERYONE does. WHY IS KEVIN NASH DOING ARM DRAGS, HE CAN'T EVEN WALK. WHY IS ANYONE BUT AJ "ALLEN JONES" STYLES DOING THE STYLIN' DDT, THAT'S HIS ONE THING FUCK OUTTA HERE SENSHI. Such samey, limited movesets SLAUGHTER the replay value.
The story mode is equally hit and miss. It 100% was written on meth, a batshit insane story where you travel from the Mexican indies to military encampments all the way up the TNA X Division, tag and world title divisions, it has a HUGE scope with stories directly crafted around TNA's most unique personalities, you WILL leave this game an Eric Young fan it's incredible.
But every time the story gains momentum, you suddenly have to do three random matches against the fuck ugliest created wrestlers you've ever seen. The designer MUST HAVE been blind since a young boy, it's the only explanation that adds up. To be fair the Create a Wrestler IS absolute ASS. Do I want Generic Trunks 1 or Generic Trunks 1 But With The American Flag On? I'll just play as Alex Shelley thanks. The constant padding ruins what would have been an awesome story, I just wanna get revenge on Hernandez who the fuck is Afro Thunder.
Awesome game that could've been amazing
Literally Uncharted 1 but with more gimmicks than the shittiest shovelware kids game on Wii you can imagine where you braid your pet's pubes or whatever
SMOOTH, SNAPPY GUNFIGHTS OVER INSTA-KILL DEATH PITS. GRANDIOSE SETPIECES OVER CENTURIES-OLD CANYONS AND BURNING BUILDINGS. But OOPSIE SLOOPSIE the log you're on is SLIPPY WHIPPY, tilt the Vita left WOAH tilt the Vita right WOAH tilt the Vita left WO- FUCK OFF
RACE THROUGH A CRUMBLING TOMB WITH TIGHT PLATFORMING CONTROLS. YOU'RE DODGING DEBRIS. YOU'RE SCRAMBLING PAST ENEMIES. YOUR HEART'S RACING... okay but to exit the tomb you gotta point the Vita's camera at your lamp. For real just turn your lamp on real quick and point your camera at the light please. Oh and rub the dust off this ornament by rubbing your touchscreen. OOPSIE SPLOOPSIE THE LOG'S BACK tilt left WOA-
The final boss is a quick time event
SMOOTH, SNAPPY GUNFIGHTS OVER INSTA-KILL DEATH PITS. GRANDIOSE SETPIECES OVER CENTURIES-OLD CANYONS AND BURNING BUILDINGS. But OOPSIE SLOOPSIE the log you're on is SLIPPY WHIPPY, tilt the Vita left WOAH tilt the Vita right WOAH tilt the Vita left WO- FUCK OFF
RACE THROUGH A CRUMBLING TOMB WITH TIGHT PLATFORMING CONTROLS. YOU'RE DODGING DEBRIS. YOU'RE SCRAMBLING PAST ENEMIES. YOUR HEART'S RACING... okay but to exit the tomb you gotta point the Vita's camera at your lamp. For real just turn your lamp on real quick and point your camera at the light please. Oh and rub the dust off this ornament by rubbing your touchscreen. OOPSIE SPLOOPSIE THE LOG'S BACK tilt left WOA-
The final boss is a quick time event
2012
This is it. This is THE 7/10 game.
The gunplay is SO FUCKING passable. The stealth mechanics HOLY SHIT THEY'RE fine. And that feeling of getting a headshot, DUDE it's SO GODDAMN adequate.
The game also does this thing where for 98% of the runtime, there's NO story whatsoever... BUT THEN IT ENDS ON A CLIFFHANGER. HOW YOU GONNA HAVE A CLIFFHANGER WHEN THERE'S NO CLIFF. OH NO THAT GUY MIGHT HAVE DIED? I have just one question... WHO THE FUCK IS HE
The gunplay is SO FUCKING passable. The stealth mechanics HOLY SHIT THEY'RE fine. And that feeling of getting a headshot, DUDE it's SO GODDAMN adequate.
The game also does this thing where for 98% of the runtime, there's NO story whatsoever... BUT THEN IT ENDS ON A CLIFFHANGER. HOW YOU GONNA HAVE A CLIFFHANGER WHEN THERE'S NO CLIFF. OH NO THAT GUY MIGHT HAVE DIED? I have just one question... WHO THE FUCK IS HE
THE CUSTOMISATION IT'S BEAUTIFUL
I always hated in the first two games how the jetpack was tied to a class with some dumptruck ass shotgun that shoots one shot every five years and still takes three shots to kill someone, horrible time to kill how am I meant to take down the Empire with this
NOT ANYMORE BABY WOOOOOO. DESCEND UPON YOUR OPPONENTS FROM THE GODS WITH A ROCKET LAUNCHER AND C FUCKING 4. AND PINK YOU CAN MAKE YOUR MILITARY ATTIRE PINK MY REBEL ENGINEER IS SO PRETTY HE'S GONNA FUCKING ANNIHILATE YOU
The rest of the game is peak Battlefront distilled into your palms. Fast paced clusterfuck skirmishes, sprawling battlefields with great flow, YOU CAN PLAY AS ADMIRAL ACKBAR NOW. HE CAN ORDER ORBITAL STRIKES AT WILL, THERE'S A REASON TERRORISTS SCREAM HIS NAME BEFORE THEY ACTIVATE THEIR SUICIDE BOMB FEAR HIM FUCKERS
I always hated in the first two games how the jetpack was tied to a class with some dumptruck ass shotgun that shoots one shot every five years and still takes three shots to kill someone, horrible time to kill how am I meant to take down the Empire with this
NOT ANYMORE BABY WOOOOOO. DESCEND UPON YOUR OPPONENTS FROM THE GODS WITH A ROCKET LAUNCHER AND C FUCKING 4. AND PINK YOU CAN MAKE YOUR MILITARY ATTIRE PINK MY REBEL ENGINEER IS SO PRETTY HE'S GONNA FUCKING ANNIHILATE YOU
The rest of the game is peak Battlefront distilled into your palms. Fast paced clusterfuck skirmishes, sprawling battlefields with great flow, YOU CAN PLAY AS ADMIRAL ACKBAR NOW. HE CAN ORDER ORBITAL STRIKES AT WILL, THERE'S A REASON TERRORISTS SCREAM HIS NAME BEFORE THEY ACTIVATE THEIR SUICIDE BOMB FEAR HIM FUCKERS
2003
Ayo FUCK this game in particular
THE OPEN WORLD'S ASS DUDE. THE STREETS ARE DESIGNED TO ACCOMMODATE ONE AND A HALF PEOPLE, IF YOU SLIGHTLY INHALE YOU'RE SQUASHED UP AGAINST A BUILDING.
AND TRAFFIC. EVERYWHERE. HERE WE GO I'M GETTING SOME SPEED OPE SMASHED INTO A CAR. LEMME ACCELERATE AGAI- OPE THREE MORE CARS. AN OPEN SPACE HERE WE G- NEVERMIND A CAR MATERIALISED FROM JUST OFF SCREEN AND FUCKING DEMOLISHED MY SIDE WINDOW.
Ahhh you can drop down to go under the cars, well that's much bet- SPLOOPS 500 CIVILIANS EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME UNAVOIDABLE YOU HIT THEM HERE'S THE ENTIRE UNITED MILITIA TO FUCK YOU
Ten years later, you make it to the mission marker... I SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN THE OPEN WORLD. ESCORT MISSIONS. THE SLOWEST WALKER IN DOCUMENTED HISTORY WITH THE PAIN THRESHOLD OF PAPER, YOU'RE PART OF THE REBEL MILITANT WHY DO YOU EVEN NEED PROTECTION DO THIS SHIT YOURSELF YOU CUCK. MAKE IT 95% OF THE WAY THERE AGAINST ALL ODDS? OH NOES HE GOT SKIMMED ON THE ARM THREE TIMES HE'S SLEEPY WEEPY DEAD, REDO THE ENTIRE MISSION.
TURRET SECTIONS ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH
Even the core gunplay is BALLS ASS. The first game was focused on the movement, so it made the movement as amazing as possible. Snappy, responsive mechanics. Little nuances that reward control mastery like how the punch uppercut ground pound spin flow seamlessly together. Satisfying as FUCK.
WHAT'S THE GUNPLAY FAM. You kinda just awkwardly shuffle your way into the general direction of the enemies, press fire a few times oh the bullets have started missing gotta re-awkwardly-shuffle back UH OH hit from behind WHY DIDN'T YOU ATTACK HIM SOONER? So you've got this weird dynamic where you've got the most fire movement mechanics in gaming history carried over from the first game, but with most of the game focusing on the dog ass gunplay.
ALL HAIL THE JETBOARD THOUGH THAT'S HOW YOU FUCKING DO IT. An awesome extension to Jak's core movement system that leads to some great platforming sequences and more sprawling level designs, sometimes focused on exploration, other times high wire/high pressure precision platforming grinding pipes over giant death pits. SO ANYWAY HERE'S A THREE MINUTE TURRET SECTION LMAO FUUUUUCK
The time travel story is neato
THE OPEN WORLD'S ASS DUDE. THE STREETS ARE DESIGNED TO ACCOMMODATE ONE AND A HALF PEOPLE, IF YOU SLIGHTLY INHALE YOU'RE SQUASHED UP AGAINST A BUILDING.
AND TRAFFIC. EVERYWHERE. HERE WE GO I'M GETTING SOME SPEED OPE SMASHED INTO A CAR. LEMME ACCELERATE AGAI- OPE THREE MORE CARS. AN OPEN SPACE HERE WE G- NEVERMIND A CAR MATERIALISED FROM JUST OFF SCREEN AND FUCKING DEMOLISHED MY SIDE WINDOW.
Ahhh you can drop down to go under the cars, well that's much bet- SPLOOPS 500 CIVILIANS EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME UNAVOIDABLE YOU HIT THEM HERE'S THE ENTIRE UNITED MILITIA TO FUCK YOU
Ten years later, you make it to the mission marker... I SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN THE OPEN WORLD. ESCORT MISSIONS. THE SLOWEST WALKER IN DOCUMENTED HISTORY WITH THE PAIN THRESHOLD OF PAPER, YOU'RE PART OF THE REBEL MILITANT WHY DO YOU EVEN NEED PROTECTION DO THIS SHIT YOURSELF YOU CUCK. MAKE IT 95% OF THE WAY THERE AGAINST ALL ODDS? OH NOES HE GOT SKIMMED ON THE ARM THREE TIMES HE'S SLEEPY WEEPY DEAD, REDO THE ENTIRE MISSION.
TURRET SECTIONS ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH
Even the core gunplay is BALLS ASS. The first game was focused on the movement, so it made the movement as amazing as possible. Snappy, responsive mechanics. Little nuances that reward control mastery like how the punch uppercut ground pound spin flow seamlessly together. Satisfying as FUCK.
WHAT'S THE GUNPLAY FAM. You kinda just awkwardly shuffle your way into the general direction of the enemies, press fire a few times oh the bullets have started missing gotta re-awkwardly-shuffle back UH OH hit from behind WHY DIDN'T YOU ATTACK HIM SOONER? So you've got this weird dynamic where you've got the most fire movement mechanics in gaming history carried over from the first game, but with most of the game focusing on the dog ass gunplay.
ALL HAIL THE JETBOARD THOUGH THAT'S HOW YOU FUCKING DO IT. An awesome extension to Jak's core movement system that leads to some great platforming sequences and more sprawling level designs, sometimes focused on exploration, other times high wire/high pressure precision platforming grinding pipes over giant death pits. SO ANYWAY HERE'S A THREE MINUTE TURRET SECTION LMAO FUUUUUCK
The time travel story is neato
2001
This game will look you straight in the eye, tell you there's 9 stalls to find shrug SOMEWHERE across the ENTIRE MAP, oh and here's a TIME LIMIT.
There's a likewise mission where you must retrieve specific gang vehicles, with no instructions on where or how to do so. The game knows you're exploring the world outside of the story, so designs missions around your knowledge of it. It's an abstract way of connecting the missions and open world in a way the series would never do again. It's genius, they're my least favourite missions.
The rest of the missions are designed around NOW. QUICK. NOW. DO IT. NOW. SNIPE THESE ENEMIES. TAKE TOO LONG TO AIM? YOUR FRIEND DIES FOREVER. RUN OVER THIS GUY IN A PARKING LOT. NOT DRIVING FAST? 600 NEARBY MAFIA MEMBERS ANNIHILATE YOU. TIME LIMITS. EVERYWHERE. ALL THE TIME. NOW. TICK TOCK. TICK TOCK. SPLOOPS. TOO LATE. YOUR CAR EXPLODES OR SOMETHING GET FUCKED. It's a sloppy mess. It's so fun.
Player Empowerment. Encourage progress by rewarding the player with enhancements to their abilities. A time proven design philosophy surging through many of gaming's greats.
Every time you progress the story, this game will look you straight in the eye, shower you in millions and tell you YOU'VE DONE IT as victory fanfare plays you into the horizon. It'll then tell you an entire mafia now hates you and that one third of the island can no longer be traversed without that mafia one hit exploding your vehicle and then keep doing that with more and more mafias every single story milestone your grand reward for beating the game is one of the mafias getting their weapons upgraded to AK47s the strongest assault rifle in the game.
I wouldn't recommend this game to my worst enemy. But I will 100% it 7 times over the span of 20 years and rank it as my 20th favourite game of all time on Backloggd
There's a likewise mission where you must retrieve specific gang vehicles, with no instructions on where or how to do so. The game knows you're exploring the world outside of the story, so designs missions around your knowledge of it. It's an abstract way of connecting the missions and open world in a way the series would never do again. It's genius, they're my least favourite missions.
The rest of the missions are designed around NOW. QUICK. NOW. DO IT. NOW. SNIPE THESE ENEMIES. TAKE TOO LONG TO AIM? YOUR FRIEND DIES FOREVER. RUN OVER THIS GUY IN A PARKING LOT. NOT DRIVING FAST? 600 NEARBY MAFIA MEMBERS ANNIHILATE YOU. TIME LIMITS. EVERYWHERE. ALL THE TIME. NOW. TICK TOCK. TICK TOCK. SPLOOPS. TOO LATE. YOUR CAR EXPLODES OR SOMETHING GET FUCKED. It's a sloppy mess. It's so fun.
Player Empowerment. Encourage progress by rewarding the player with enhancements to their abilities. A time proven design philosophy surging through many of gaming's greats.
Every time you progress the story, this game will look you straight in the eye, shower you in millions and tell you YOU'VE DONE IT as victory fanfare plays you into the horizon. It'll then tell you an entire mafia now hates you and that one third of the island can no longer be traversed without that mafia one hit exploding your vehicle and then keep doing that with more and more mafias every single story milestone your grand reward for beating the game is one of the mafias getting their weapons upgraded to AK47s the strongest assault rifle in the game.
I wouldn't recommend this game to my worst enemy. But I will 100% it 7 times over the span of 20 years and rank it as my 20th favourite game of all time on Backloggd
BETTER THAN VICE CITY STOP SLEEPING ON THIS GAME YOU COCKSUCKING WHORES. "B-but PSP it was made for PSP so lesser" YOU DENSE MOTHERFUCKER
The empire building, HOLY FUCK. Attack a site, renovate it into a crack house, repeat across the entire city, receive SO MUCH MONEY THROUGH A PAGER I LOVE PAGERS NOW YES. An incredible mix of San Andreas' explosive turf wars and Vice City's addictive property system, watching the numbers rise is satisfying as fuck I've lost hours of my life and I want to lose more. You do have to defend them a little more frequently than I'd like though, like I'm in the middle of collecting balloons I don't particularly wanna engage with my prostitution racket right now.
The story, FIRE. You play as the least charismatic, most self-contradicting ass motherfucker in writing history, and the way his mundane ass clashes with LANCE VANCE, the most extreme, intense CLOWN in the documented universe, the juxtaposition is gold, every cutscene is gold. You combine that with the classic "rags to riches" focus, fuelled through over the top 80s flamboyance and setpieces, and it's a pretty huge in scope journey with super memorable sequences. YOU DEFEND A PHIL COLLINS CONCERT FROM TERRORISTS WHILE "IN THE AIR TONIGHT" BLASTS THROUGH YOUR SHITTY PSP SPEAKERS, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU NOT PLAYING THIS RIGHT NOW
A special FUCK you to the mission design, IT'S HARD AS SHIT I'M PISSED. DRIVE A FORKLIFT THAT ABSOLUTELY HAS NOT HAD AN MOT CHECK IN 10+ YEARS IT BARELY TURNS THROUGH THE MOST CRAMPED GARAGE THAT'S EVER BEEN INFRASTRUCTURED. OH AND IT'S ON FIRE, PICK UP AND DROP OFF ALL THE MOONSHINE ONE BY ONE VERY VERY SLOWLY BEFORE THE GARAGE EXPLOD- OOPS NOT FAST ENOUGH BOOOOM WHY DIDN'T YOU DO IT FASTER ARE YOU STUPID?
WIN A RACE ON THIS ATV... THE FIRST EVER ATV NOT DESIGNED FOR OFFROAD SURFACES LMAO ENJOY SPINNING ON YOUR SIDE CUNT
There's a mission where you film a zombie movie gunning down zombies in the mall, I liked that one. You can play golf. Every other mission has you street racing at 100mph or launching through the air on a jet ski or bombing areas with a helicopter or tank yeah nah, I'm crying most of the playthrough but I'm also having the time of my life, God bless the PSP your analogue stick is dreadful I will use it until the end of time
The empire building, HOLY FUCK. Attack a site, renovate it into a crack house, repeat across the entire city, receive SO MUCH MONEY THROUGH A PAGER I LOVE PAGERS NOW YES. An incredible mix of San Andreas' explosive turf wars and Vice City's addictive property system, watching the numbers rise is satisfying as fuck I've lost hours of my life and I want to lose more. You do have to defend them a little more frequently than I'd like though, like I'm in the middle of collecting balloons I don't particularly wanna engage with my prostitution racket right now.
The story, FIRE. You play as the least charismatic, most self-contradicting ass motherfucker in writing history, and the way his mundane ass clashes with LANCE VANCE, the most extreme, intense CLOWN in the documented universe, the juxtaposition is gold, every cutscene is gold. You combine that with the classic "rags to riches" focus, fuelled through over the top 80s flamboyance and setpieces, and it's a pretty huge in scope journey with super memorable sequences. YOU DEFEND A PHIL COLLINS CONCERT FROM TERRORISTS WHILE "IN THE AIR TONIGHT" BLASTS THROUGH YOUR SHITTY PSP SPEAKERS, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU NOT PLAYING THIS RIGHT NOW
A special FUCK you to the mission design, IT'S HARD AS SHIT I'M PISSED. DRIVE A FORKLIFT THAT ABSOLUTELY HAS NOT HAD AN MOT CHECK IN 10+ YEARS IT BARELY TURNS THROUGH THE MOST CRAMPED GARAGE THAT'S EVER BEEN INFRASTRUCTURED. OH AND IT'S ON FIRE, PICK UP AND DROP OFF ALL THE MOONSHINE ONE BY ONE VERY VERY SLOWLY BEFORE THE GARAGE EXPLOD- OOPS NOT FAST ENOUGH BOOOOM WHY DIDN'T YOU DO IT FASTER ARE YOU STUPID?
WIN A RACE ON THIS ATV... THE FIRST EVER ATV NOT DESIGNED FOR OFFROAD SURFACES LMAO ENJOY SPINNING ON YOUR SIDE CUNT
There's a mission where you film a zombie movie gunning down zombies in the mall, I liked that one. You can play golf. Every other mission has you street racing at 100mph or launching through the air on a jet ski or bombing areas with a helicopter or tank yeah nah, I'm crying most of the playthrough but I'm also having the time of my life, God bless the PSP your analogue stick is dreadful I will use it until the end of time
All the pieces are here for a genuinely solid game, HOW DID YOU FUCK IT UP SO BAD
The core gameplay feels great. Snappy controls, modes like the relics are fast paced gauntlets that reward quick reflexes and measured platforming, there's little nuances to learn like body slamming to get two crates at once that add vague elements of depth... IF ONLY I COULD PLAY IT.
To play the next level, you need to build THIS item which takes eight hours IN REAL LIFE. But to do that you need to build THIS item which takes TWO DAYS. But to build THAT you need to first build THESE items.
One of the items can only be built by collecting 500 of THIS item, only obtainable by grinding the resource collection levels, extremely mundane levels where you run really slowly through the safest areas on documented Earth. Do that for 15 minutes but UH OH the resources RAN OUT, come back tomorrow. Of course... you could also pay 99 DOLLARS. You won't be able to pay your electric bill that month but you will have 200 BERRIES, THAT'S LIKE TWO WHOLE LEVELS YOU'LL BE ABLE TO PLAY NOW LET'S FUCKING GOOOOOO
Luckily, the other item is much easier to obtain. To get it you just have to GO FUCK YOURSELF
EVEN THE STEPS YOU TAKE ARE CURRENCY, IF YOU SPEND THEM YOU GOTTA RUN AROUND IN A LEVEL FOR A WHILE TO GET MORE STEPS TO SPEND. THAT'S THE PREMISE OF A DYSTOPIAN SCI-FI NOVELLA FROM 1981, FUCK THIS GAME
The core gameplay feels great. Snappy controls, modes like the relics are fast paced gauntlets that reward quick reflexes and measured platforming, there's little nuances to learn like body slamming to get two crates at once that add vague elements of depth... IF ONLY I COULD PLAY IT.
To play the next level, you need to build THIS item which takes eight hours IN REAL LIFE. But to do that you need to build THIS item which takes TWO DAYS. But to build THAT you need to first build THESE items.
One of the items can only be built by collecting 500 of THIS item, only obtainable by grinding the resource collection levels, extremely mundane levels where you run really slowly through the safest areas on documented Earth. Do that for 15 minutes but UH OH the resources RAN OUT, come back tomorrow. Of course... you could also pay 99 DOLLARS. You won't be able to pay your electric bill that month but you will have 200 BERRIES, THAT'S LIKE TWO WHOLE LEVELS YOU'LL BE ABLE TO PLAY NOW LET'S FUCKING GOOOOOO
Luckily, the other item is much easier to obtain. To get it you just have to GO FUCK YOURSELF
EVEN THE STEPS YOU TAKE ARE CURRENCY, IF YOU SPEND THEM YOU GOTTA RUN AROUND IN A LEVEL FOR A WHILE TO GET MORE STEPS TO SPEND. THAT'S THE PREMISE OF A DYSTOPIAN SCI-FI NOVELLA FROM 1981, FUCK THIS GAME
I'm CONVINCED the writers have never seen a black person before, EVERY line of dialogue vaguely pertaining to Jerome is like "ayo, you ever notice Jerome is black?" "I was watching a documentary recently about Africa... Africa, AFRICAN AMERICAN, LIKE JEROME". "What's Jerome, black and Jerome all over? JEROME, THE BLACK GUY"
There's a "joke" where Bonnie laments "I hope no one notices the hard booger in my nostrils". A real person read that and enjoyed it so much they gave real money to another real person for writing it. I miss the black jokes
WHERE'S THE GAME. Tap this jpeg of a house, okay now wait twelve hours IN REAL LIFE... alright now tap THIS jpeg of a house, wait sixteen hou-
A menu simulator designed to dopamine trick your brain into paying 99 dollars for jpegs of badly drawn infrastructure. Wipe your hard booger filled nostrils with that 99 dollars then hug the nearest black guy instead, absolute wank
There's a "joke" where Bonnie laments "I hope no one notices the hard booger in my nostrils". A real person read that and enjoyed it so much they gave real money to another real person for writing it. I miss the black jokes
WHERE'S THE GAME. Tap this jpeg of a house, okay now wait twelve hours IN REAL LIFE... alright now tap THIS jpeg of a house, wait sixteen hou-
A menu simulator designed to dopamine trick your brain into paying 99 dollars for jpegs of badly drawn infrastructure. Wipe your hard booger filled nostrils with that 99 dollars then hug the nearest black guy instead, absolute wank
Ayo FUCK Brian Griffin in particular EAT CHOCOLATE YOU FUCKING CUNT PIECE OF SH
The WORST stealth mechanics in creation history. Hiding behind a desk? THE GAME DISAGREES. This prison inmate that's on the run from the police? STAND NEAR HIM AND HE YELLS TO THE POLICE WHERE YOU ARE, YOU'RE FUCKING YOURSELF MORE THAN ME IN THIS SITUATION WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING. Stand near a random metal object? A METER FILLS UP FORCING BRIAN TO GIVE IN TO HIS URGES AND PISS ON IT, BLOWING YOUR COVER. THERE'S LIKE 12 EPISODES WHERE WE SEE HIM ON 17 HOUR TRANS-CONTINENTAL AIRPLANE FLIGHTS, YOU TELLING ME HE WAS PISSING AND SHITTING THE WHOLE TIME WHAT IS THIS MECHANIC GET FUCKED
The Peter levels, dumptruck ASS also. Spam square. Spam square. Spam squ- UH OH, THIS ENEMY'S IMMUNE TO THIS ATTACK... so now just SPAM CIRCLE instead. Spam circle. Spam circle. Spam cir- SPLOOPS IMMUNE TO THIS ATTACK NOW... so just go back to SPAM SQUARE. THIS ISN'T DEPTH FAM IT'S STILL JUST SPAMMING BUTTONS EXCEPT NOW IT TAKES EVEN LONGER, I'M BORED AS FUCK
The Stewie sections are easily the best, which is to say they're still DOG SHIT. JUMP OVER THE SMALLEST PLATFORMS ATOMICALLY POSSIBLE WITH CONTROLS LOOSER THAN ME ON AN AVERAGE SATURDAY, BRIAN HAS MORE CONTROL OVER HIS SHITTY PISS THAN THIS. So you've fallen off the platform, meaning you'll die and respawn, right? HOW ABOUT YOU FALL SEVEN FLOORS DOWN INSTEAD, MEANING YOU HAVE TO REDO THE LAST TWO MINUTES OF GAMEPLAY EAT SHIT
AND THEN THERE'S SECTIONS WHERE YOU UNCONTROLLABLY SLIDE THROUGH POOLS AND DOWN RAMPS, IS THIS A FUCKING JOKE. I noticed the tip of the bone of your elbow vaguely grazed the wall there, GET BOUNCED 500 MILES INTO A LANDMINE YEEEAAAHHH.
But don't worry because here's a segment where a laser grid blocks your path and the only way to turn it off is to bounce a bullet off the wall in such a specific way that it ricochets off multiple consecutive objects gotta be the correct angle though or it won't work to aim you have to stand perfectly still but OOPS here's 15 enemies shooting at you so you gotta keep moving so using the direct aim isn't viable but OOPS-ER aiming without standing still is somehow looser than the platforming so good luck spamming shots while avoiding shots while constantly moving the bullets are bouncing but not the way we wanted NOW YOU'RE RUNNING OUT OF AMMO AND HEALTH AND PATIENCE AND WILL TO LIVE YAAAY YOU DID IT HERE'S 36 MORE ENEMIES SPAM SQUARE
QUICK TIME EVENTS AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH
The invisible walls are mimes, that's pretty good lol
The WORST stealth mechanics in creation history. Hiding behind a desk? THE GAME DISAGREES. This prison inmate that's on the run from the police? STAND NEAR HIM AND HE YELLS TO THE POLICE WHERE YOU ARE, YOU'RE FUCKING YOURSELF MORE THAN ME IN THIS SITUATION WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING. Stand near a random metal object? A METER FILLS UP FORCING BRIAN TO GIVE IN TO HIS URGES AND PISS ON IT, BLOWING YOUR COVER. THERE'S LIKE 12 EPISODES WHERE WE SEE HIM ON 17 HOUR TRANS-CONTINENTAL AIRPLANE FLIGHTS, YOU TELLING ME HE WAS PISSING AND SHITTING THE WHOLE TIME WHAT IS THIS MECHANIC GET FUCKED
The Peter levels, dumptruck ASS also. Spam square. Spam square. Spam squ- UH OH, THIS ENEMY'S IMMUNE TO THIS ATTACK... so now just SPAM CIRCLE instead. Spam circle. Spam circle. Spam cir- SPLOOPS IMMUNE TO THIS ATTACK NOW... so just go back to SPAM SQUARE. THIS ISN'T DEPTH FAM IT'S STILL JUST SPAMMING BUTTONS EXCEPT NOW IT TAKES EVEN LONGER, I'M BORED AS FUCK
The Stewie sections are easily the best, which is to say they're still DOG SHIT. JUMP OVER THE SMALLEST PLATFORMS ATOMICALLY POSSIBLE WITH CONTROLS LOOSER THAN ME ON AN AVERAGE SATURDAY, BRIAN HAS MORE CONTROL OVER HIS SHITTY PISS THAN THIS. So you've fallen off the platform, meaning you'll die and respawn, right? HOW ABOUT YOU FALL SEVEN FLOORS DOWN INSTEAD, MEANING YOU HAVE TO REDO THE LAST TWO MINUTES OF GAMEPLAY EAT SHIT
AND THEN THERE'S SECTIONS WHERE YOU UNCONTROLLABLY SLIDE THROUGH POOLS AND DOWN RAMPS, IS THIS A FUCKING JOKE. I noticed the tip of the bone of your elbow vaguely grazed the wall there, GET BOUNCED 500 MILES INTO A LANDMINE YEEEAAAHHH.
But don't worry because here's a segment where a laser grid blocks your path and the only way to turn it off is to bounce a bullet off the wall in such a specific way that it ricochets off multiple consecutive objects gotta be the correct angle though or it won't work to aim you have to stand perfectly still but OOPS here's 15 enemies shooting at you so you gotta keep moving so using the direct aim isn't viable but OOPS-ER aiming without standing still is somehow looser than the platforming so good luck spamming shots while avoiding shots while constantly moving the bullets are bouncing but not the way we wanted NOW YOU'RE RUNNING OUT OF AMMO AND HEALTH AND PATIENCE AND WILL TO LIVE YAAAY YOU DID IT HERE'S 36 MORE ENEMIES SPAM SQUARE
QUICK TIME EVENTS AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH
The invisible walls are mimes, that's pretty good lol