JoshyBray
The worst thing to happen in 2001.
2012
This is it. This is THE 7/10 game.
The gunplay is SO FUCKING passable. The stealth mechanics HOLY SHIT THEY'RE fine. And that feeling of getting a headshot, DUDE it's SO GODDAMN adequate.
The game also does this thing where for 98% of the runtime, there's NO story whatsoever... BUT THEN IT ENDS ON A CLIFFHANGER. HOW YOU GONNA HAVE A CLIFFHANGER WHEN THERE'S NO CLIFF. OH NO THAT GUY MIGHT HAVE DIED? I have just one question... WHO THE FUCK IS HE
The gunplay is SO FUCKING passable. The stealth mechanics HOLY SHIT THEY'RE fine. And that feeling of getting a headshot, DUDE it's SO GODDAMN adequate.
The game also does this thing where for 98% of the runtime, there's NO story whatsoever... BUT THEN IT ENDS ON A CLIFFHANGER. HOW YOU GONNA HAVE A CLIFFHANGER WHEN THERE'S NO CLIFF. OH NO THAT GUY MIGHT HAVE DIED? I have just one question... WHO THE FUCK IS HE
THE FULL ASSASSIN'S CREED EXPERIENCE ON THE GO, unfortunately
You WILL tail 500 people as slowly as the human construct allows.
Stealth missions! With stealth mechanics from the early 90s where an enemy will see you through a wall, so you hide in a pile of hay for eight seconds prompting the population of a village that watched you enter the hay to forget you were ever there.
On the bright side, exploring the open world is a BLAST... in two minute increments because the game keeps thinking you want to jump off the 50 foot building you're on so the sickest parkour sequence you've ever seen will abruptly end as you randomly dive to the right into concrete next to a horse whose legs are glitched into the ground
For real though, the setting FUCKS. Beyond the more traditional city area is some of the most unique environments in the franchise, home to this game's most memorable moments.
Free running across the decrepit branches of a rundown bayou into a dive to the murky swamps beneath, only for a fucking CROCODILE to burst through the mud and chomp at you. Lurking through a centuries old temple, hopping over crumbling chasms and wading through flooded caverns to unearth the city's greatest secrets.
The most 8/10 Uncharted spinoff you've ever played is buried somewhere in this game, and it's a shame most of the game focuses on emulating its console peers when it shines brightest molding its own identity.
The story is especially unique, in the sense that it ignores all forms of good storytelling. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON. Characters come and go from the story at complete random. ENTIRE PLOTLINES come and go from the story at complete random.
Half of the characters aren't characters, like their entire personality is "they talk cryptically", so you sit through a cutscene of some voodoo person talking about voodoo, then tail some random slave owner who never appears again, then hear about voodoo some more before the voodoo person is also never seen again.
After finding a holographic projection in 18th century Louisiana, I knew this story wasn't for me.
You WILL tail 500 people as slowly as the human construct allows.
Stealth missions! With stealth mechanics from the early 90s where an enemy will see you through a wall, so you hide in a pile of hay for eight seconds prompting the population of a village that watched you enter the hay to forget you were ever there.
On the bright side, exploring the open world is a BLAST... in two minute increments because the game keeps thinking you want to jump off the 50 foot building you're on so the sickest parkour sequence you've ever seen will abruptly end as you randomly dive to the right into concrete next to a horse whose legs are glitched into the ground
For real though, the setting FUCKS. Beyond the more traditional city area is some of the most unique environments in the franchise, home to this game's most memorable moments.
Free running across the decrepit branches of a rundown bayou into a dive to the murky swamps beneath, only for a fucking CROCODILE to burst through the mud and chomp at you. Lurking through a centuries old temple, hopping over crumbling chasms and wading through flooded caverns to unearth the city's greatest secrets.
The most 8/10 Uncharted spinoff you've ever played is buried somewhere in this game, and it's a shame most of the game focuses on emulating its console peers when it shines brightest molding its own identity.
The story is especially unique, in the sense that it ignores all forms of good storytelling. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON. Characters come and go from the story at complete random. ENTIRE PLOTLINES come and go from the story at complete random.
Half of the characters aren't characters, like their entire personality is "they talk cryptically", so you sit through a cutscene of some voodoo person talking about voodoo, then tail some random slave owner who never appears again, then hear about voodoo some more before the voodoo person is also never seen again.
After finding a holographic projection in 18th century Louisiana, I knew this story wasn't for me.
All the pieces are here for a genuinely solid game, HOW DID YOU FUCK IT UP SO BAD
The core gameplay feels great. Snappy controls, modes like the relics are fast paced gauntlets that reward quick reflexes and measured platforming, there's little nuances to learn like body slamming to get two crates at once that add vague elements of depth... IF ONLY I COULD PLAY IT.
To play the next level, you need to build THIS item which takes eight hours IN REAL LIFE. But to do that you need to build THIS item which takes TWO DAYS. But to build THAT you need to first build THESE items.
One of the items can only be built by collecting 500 of THIS item, only obtainable by grinding the resource collection levels, extremely mundane levels where you run really slowly through the safest areas on documented Earth. Do that for 15 minutes but UH OH the resources RAN OUT, come back tomorrow. Of course... you could also pay 99 DOLLARS. You won't be able to pay your electric bill that month but you will have 200 BERRIES, THAT'S LIKE TWO WHOLE LEVELS YOU'LL BE ABLE TO PLAY NOW LET'S FUCKING GOOOOOO
Luckily, the other item is much easier to obtain. To get it you just have to GO FUCK YOURSELF
EVEN THE STEPS YOU TAKE ARE CURRENCY, IF YOU SPEND THEM YOU GOTTA RUN AROUND IN A LEVEL FOR A WHILE TO GET MORE STEPS TO SPEND. THAT'S THE PREMISE OF A DYSTOPIAN SCI-FI NOVELLA FROM 1981, FUCK THIS GAME
The core gameplay feels great. Snappy controls, modes like the relics are fast paced gauntlets that reward quick reflexes and measured platforming, there's little nuances to learn like body slamming to get two crates at once that add vague elements of depth... IF ONLY I COULD PLAY IT.
To play the next level, you need to build THIS item which takes eight hours IN REAL LIFE. But to do that you need to build THIS item which takes TWO DAYS. But to build THAT you need to first build THESE items.
One of the items can only be built by collecting 500 of THIS item, only obtainable by grinding the resource collection levels, extremely mundane levels where you run really slowly through the safest areas on documented Earth. Do that for 15 minutes but UH OH the resources RAN OUT, come back tomorrow. Of course... you could also pay 99 DOLLARS. You won't be able to pay your electric bill that month but you will have 200 BERRIES, THAT'S LIKE TWO WHOLE LEVELS YOU'LL BE ABLE TO PLAY NOW LET'S FUCKING GOOOOOO
Luckily, the other item is much easier to obtain. To get it you just have to GO FUCK YOURSELF
EVEN THE STEPS YOU TAKE ARE CURRENCY, IF YOU SPEND THEM YOU GOTTA RUN AROUND IN A LEVEL FOR A WHILE TO GET MORE STEPS TO SPEND. THAT'S THE PREMISE OF A DYSTOPIAN SCI-FI NOVELLA FROM 1981, FUCK THIS GAME
BETTER THAN VICE CITY STOP SLEEPING ON THIS GAME YOU COCKSUCKING WHORES. "B-but PSP it was made for PSP so lesser" YOU DENSE MOTHERFUCKER
The empire building, HOLY FUCK. Attack a site, renovate it into a crack house, repeat across the entire city, receive SO MUCH MONEY THROUGH A PAGER I LOVE PAGERS NOW YES. An incredible mix of San Andreas' explosive turf wars and Vice City's addictive property system, watching the numbers rise is satisfying as fuck I've lost hours of my life and I want to lose more. You do have to defend them a little more frequently than I'd like though, like I'm in the middle of collecting balloons I don't particularly wanna engage with my prostitution racket right now.
The story, FIRE. You play as the least charismatic, most self-contradicting ass motherfucker in writing history, and the way his mundane ass clashes with LANCE VANCE, the most extreme, intense CLOWN in the documented universe, the juxtaposition is gold, every cutscene is gold. You combine that with the classic "rags to riches" focus, fuelled through over the top 80s flamboyance and setpieces, and it's a pretty huge in scope journey with super memorable sequences. YOU DEFEND A PHIL COLLINS CONCERT FROM TERRORISTS WHILE "IN THE AIR TONIGHT" BLASTS THROUGH YOUR SHITTY PSP SPEAKERS, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU NOT PLAYING THIS RIGHT NOW
A special FUCK you to the mission design, IT'S HARD AS SHIT I'M PISSED. DRIVE A FORKLIFT THAT ABSOLUTELY HAS NOT HAD AN MOT CHECK IN 10+ YEARS IT BARELY TURNS THROUGH THE MOST CRAMPED GARAGE THAT'S EVER BEEN INFRASTRUCTURED. OH AND IT'S ON FIRE, PICK UP AND DROP OFF ALL THE MOONSHINE ONE BY ONE VERY VERY SLOWLY BEFORE THE GARAGE EXPLOD- OOPS NOT FAST ENOUGH BOOOOM WHY DIDN'T YOU DO IT FASTER ARE YOU STUPID?
WIN A RACE ON THIS ATV... THE FIRST EVER ATV NOT DESIGNED FOR OFFROAD SURFACES LMAO ENJOY SPINNING ON YOUR SIDE CUNT
There's a mission where you film a zombie movie gunning down zombies in the mall, I liked that one. You can play golf. Every other mission has you street racing at 100mph or launching through the air on a jet ski or bombing areas with a helicopter or tank yeah nah, I'm crying most of the playthrough but I'm also having the time of my life, God bless the PSP your analogue stick is dreadful I will use it until the end of time
The empire building, HOLY FUCK. Attack a site, renovate it into a crack house, repeat across the entire city, receive SO MUCH MONEY THROUGH A PAGER I LOVE PAGERS NOW YES. An incredible mix of San Andreas' explosive turf wars and Vice City's addictive property system, watching the numbers rise is satisfying as fuck I've lost hours of my life and I want to lose more. You do have to defend them a little more frequently than I'd like though, like I'm in the middle of collecting balloons I don't particularly wanna engage with my prostitution racket right now.
The story, FIRE. You play as the least charismatic, most self-contradicting ass motherfucker in writing history, and the way his mundane ass clashes with LANCE VANCE, the most extreme, intense CLOWN in the documented universe, the juxtaposition is gold, every cutscene is gold. You combine that with the classic "rags to riches" focus, fuelled through over the top 80s flamboyance and setpieces, and it's a pretty huge in scope journey with super memorable sequences. YOU DEFEND A PHIL COLLINS CONCERT FROM TERRORISTS WHILE "IN THE AIR TONIGHT" BLASTS THROUGH YOUR SHITTY PSP SPEAKERS, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU NOT PLAYING THIS RIGHT NOW
A special FUCK you to the mission design, IT'S HARD AS SHIT I'M PISSED. DRIVE A FORKLIFT THAT ABSOLUTELY HAS NOT HAD AN MOT CHECK IN 10+ YEARS IT BARELY TURNS THROUGH THE MOST CRAMPED GARAGE THAT'S EVER BEEN INFRASTRUCTURED. OH AND IT'S ON FIRE, PICK UP AND DROP OFF ALL THE MOONSHINE ONE BY ONE VERY VERY SLOWLY BEFORE THE GARAGE EXPLOD- OOPS NOT FAST ENOUGH BOOOOM WHY DIDN'T YOU DO IT FASTER ARE YOU STUPID?
WIN A RACE ON THIS ATV... THE FIRST EVER ATV NOT DESIGNED FOR OFFROAD SURFACES LMAO ENJOY SPINNING ON YOUR SIDE CUNT
There's a mission where you film a zombie movie gunning down zombies in the mall, I liked that one. You can play golf. Every other mission has you street racing at 100mph or launching through the air on a jet ski or bombing areas with a helicopter or tank yeah nah, I'm crying most of the playthrough but I'm also having the time of my life, God bless the PSP your analogue stick is dreadful I will use it until the end of time
The biggest blue balls in gaming history
On paper this is the ULTIMATE Star Wars game. An action adventure EPIC turning EVERY planet from the Skywalker Saga into SPRAWLING collect-a-thon playgrounds, EXPANDING these iconic locales into thriving landscapes of secret areas and satirical gags... BUT THE MECHANICS AND LEVEL DESIGN ARE SO FUCKING BORING
USE THE MYSTICAL POWERS OF THE ALMIGHTY JEDI TO very, very slowly move this crate into position. Don't worry about any sort of challenge making this interesting, the crate automatically locks into a specific spot. THEN USE THESE TRANSCENDENT FORCES OF MYTHICAL LEGEND TO very, very slowly move this other crate onto the first one. Again, don't worry about the crates falling over or any other room for error that could make this vaguely interesting, this crate also automatically slots into position. STACKING CRATES IS WHAT MY UNCLE DOES FOR A LIVING, I'M DARTH "ANAKIN" VADER NOT KEITH, THIS IS TERRIBLE
A series of platforms. Hell yeah, some 3D platforming!... Press X. That's it. To jump from platform to platform, press X. You don't have to aim. You can't fall. Press X. And again. And again three more times... YOU DID IT HOLY SHIT YEEEEAAAAHHHH YOU'RE A GOD AMONGST CLOWNS MAKE LOVE TO ME
BLOCKING SHOTS IS AUTOMATIC. YOU COULD STAND ANAKIN IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE CLONE ARMY, PUT THE CONTROLLER DOWN, FLY TO FUCKING ISTANBUL AND PISS AND SHIT THERE FOR TWO WEEKS, AND RETURN TO ANAKIN "THE KID KILLER" VADER STILL STANDING THERE COMPLETELY UNHARMED.
Complete Saga's mechanics were basic. Time a button press to dodge a bullet. Jump over these really close together platforms. Use the right character at the right terminal. Individually mundane, but collectively creating a consistent stream of micro scenarios to subconsciously problem solve. It's easy, but never mindless. Skywalker Saga lacks many of these micro systems, meaning the moment-to-moment gameplay is almost non-existent.
Darth Sidious accidentally calling for Order 67, which makes all stormtroopers break out in a dance party, was the exact moment I knew my suicide note was worth finishing
On paper this is the ULTIMATE Star Wars game. An action adventure EPIC turning EVERY planet from the Skywalker Saga into SPRAWLING collect-a-thon playgrounds, EXPANDING these iconic locales into thriving landscapes of secret areas and satirical gags... BUT THE MECHANICS AND LEVEL DESIGN ARE SO FUCKING BORING
USE THE MYSTICAL POWERS OF THE ALMIGHTY JEDI TO very, very slowly move this crate into position. Don't worry about any sort of challenge making this interesting, the crate automatically locks into a specific spot. THEN USE THESE TRANSCENDENT FORCES OF MYTHICAL LEGEND TO very, very slowly move this other crate onto the first one. Again, don't worry about the crates falling over or any other room for error that could make this vaguely interesting, this crate also automatically slots into position. STACKING CRATES IS WHAT MY UNCLE DOES FOR A LIVING, I'M DARTH "ANAKIN" VADER NOT KEITH, THIS IS TERRIBLE
A series of platforms. Hell yeah, some 3D platforming!... Press X. That's it. To jump from platform to platform, press X. You don't have to aim. You can't fall. Press X. And again. And again three more times... YOU DID IT HOLY SHIT YEEEEAAAAHHHH YOU'RE A GOD AMONGST CLOWNS MAKE LOVE TO ME
BLOCKING SHOTS IS AUTOMATIC. YOU COULD STAND ANAKIN IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE CLONE ARMY, PUT THE CONTROLLER DOWN, FLY TO FUCKING ISTANBUL AND PISS AND SHIT THERE FOR TWO WEEKS, AND RETURN TO ANAKIN "THE KID KILLER" VADER STILL STANDING THERE COMPLETELY UNHARMED.
Complete Saga's mechanics were basic. Time a button press to dodge a bullet. Jump over these really close together platforms. Use the right character at the right terminal. Individually mundane, but collectively creating a consistent stream of micro scenarios to subconsciously problem solve. It's easy, but never mindless. Skywalker Saga lacks many of these micro systems, meaning the moment-to-moment gameplay is almost non-existent.
Darth Sidious accidentally calling for Order 67, which makes all stormtroopers break out in a dance party, was the exact moment I knew my suicide note was worth finishing
Literally Uncharted 1 but with more gimmicks than the shittiest shovelware kids game on Wii you can imagine where you braid your pet's pubes or whatever
SMOOTH, SNAPPY GUNFIGHTS OVER INSTA-KILL DEATH PITS. GRANDIOSE SETPIECES OVER CENTURIES-OLD CANYONS AND BURNING BUILDINGS. But OOPSIE SLOOPSIE the log you're on is SLIPPY WHIPPY, tilt the Vita left WOAH tilt the Vita right WOAH tilt the Vita left WO- FUCK OFF
RACE THROUGH A CRUMBLING TOMB WITH TIGHT PLATFORMING CONTROLS. YOU'RE DODGING DEBRIS. YOU'RE SCRAMBLING PAST ENEMIES. YOUR HEART'S RACING... okay but to exit the tomb you gotta point the Vita's camera at your lamp. For real just turn your lamp on real quick and point your camera at the light please. Oh and rub the dust off this ornament by rubbing your touchscreen. OOPSIE SPLOOPSIE THE LOG'S BACK tilt left WOA-
The final boss is a quick time event
SMOOTH, SNAPPY GUNFIGHTS OVER INSTA-KILL DEATH PITS. GRANDIOSE SETPIECES OVER CENTURIES-OLD CANYONS AND BURNING BUILDINGS. But OOPSIE SLOOPSIE the log you're on is SLIPPY WHIPPY, tilt the Vita left WOAH tilt the Vita right WOAH tilt the Vita left WO- FUCK OFF
RACE THROUGH A CRUMBLING TOMB WITH TIGHT PLATFORMING CONTROLS. YOU'RE DODGING DEBRIS. YOU'RE SCRAMBLING PAST ENEMIES. YOUR HEART'S RACING... okay but to exit the tomb you gotta point the Vita's camera at your lamp. For real just turn your lamp on real quick and point your camera at the light please. Oh and rub the dust off this ornament by rubbing your touchscreen. OOPSIE SPLOOPSIE THE LOG'S BACK tilt left WOA-
The final boss is a quick time event
2019
The Brian Griffin of video games; a game that WANTS you to believe it's clever and deep, but is really as shallow as it is pretentious
Every mission starts with some asshole dressed as the year 2002 rambling two paragraphs of shit like "to do a fakie pressure flip just place your front foot perpendicular to your back foot mid pop while doing a switch 360 laserflip into nose manual 5-0 darkside". But then you look at the controls menu and it's just two analogue stick flicks, the mission's over in 30 seconds. JUST GIVE ME THE BUTTON PROMPTS WHAT WAS THAT OTHER SHIT, I'LL PUT FAKIE PRESSURE ON YOUR THROAT
THAT IS IF THE GAME REGISTERS YOU COMPLETING THE MISSION. Half of my time with this game was spent doing an objective ten times, wondering why it's not registering, watching a YouTube video of them doing the exact same thing I did, then reading a comment saying "ah yeah, you just have to ollie slightly earlier than the in-game parameters tell you to, I got it to work on my 50th attempt".
"The game is hard because of the controls". EVERY review mentions this. The game itself says this, PROUDLY stating so in the controls menu. But that's the issue. The level design, mission design, all of the DESIGN is easy. The ONLY difficulty comes from fighting the controls. And when a game is ONLY difficult because of the controls, the game isn't challenging, it's unintuitive. Barely anyone has played this game because no one can find it, because it's completely disappeared up its own ass
AND WHAT THE FUCK IS THE CHARACTER CUSTOMISATION. DO I WANT A BLACK T-SHIRT WITH SOME SHITTY SHOE BRAND LOGO... OR A BLACK T-SHIRT WITH A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT SHITTY SHOE BRAND LOGO. I JUST WANT AN ORANGE JACKET THIS IS SHIT. HOW YOU GONNA HAVE "EXPRESS YOURSELF" AS ONE OF THE GAME'S TAGLINES THEN GIVE ME AS MANY CLOTHES OPTIONS AS MY HIGH SCHOOL DRESS CODE.
YOU CAN'T EVEN CHANGE HAIR COLOUR. DO I WANT DECENT HAIR BUT IT'S BLOND, OR MY ACTUAL BRUNETTE COLOUR BUT WITH A BUZZCUT DONE BY A BLIND GUY MID SEIZURE. DEAR SLIM, I WROTE YOU BECAUSE I'M FUCKING BLOND NOW.
Every mission starts with some asshole dressed as the year 2002 rambling two paragraphs of shit like "to do a fakie pressure flip just place your front foot perpendicular to your back foot mid pop while doing a switch 360 laserflip into nose manual 5-0 darkside". But then you look at the controls menu and it's just two analogue stick flicks, the mission's over in 30 seconds. JUST GIVE ME THE BUTTON PROMPTS WHAT WAS THAT OTHER SHIT, I'LL PUT FAKIE PRESSURE ON YOUR THROAT
THAT IS IF THE GAME REGISTERS YOU COMPLETING THE MISSION. Half of my time with this game was spent doing an objective ten times, wondering why it's not registering, watching a YouTube video of them doing the exact same thing I did, then reading a comment saying "ah yeah, you just have to ollie slightly earlier than the in-game parameters tell you to, I got it to work on my 50th attempt".
"The game is hard because of the controls". EVERY review mentions this. The game itself says this, PROUDLY stating so in the controls menu. But that's the issue. The level design, mission design, all of the DESIGN is easy. The ONLY difficulty comes from fighting the controls. And when a game is ONLY difficult because of the controls, the game isn't challenging, it's unintuitive. Barely anyone has played this game because no one can find it, because it's completely disappeared up its own ass
AND WHAT THE FUCK IS THE CHARACTER CUSTOMISATION. DO I WANT A BLACK T-SHIRT WITH SOME SHITTY SHOE BRAND LOGO... OR A BLACK T-SHIRT WITH A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT SHITTY SHOE BRAND LOGO. I JUST WANT AN ORANGE JACKET THIS IS SHIT. HOW YOU GONNA HAVE "EXPRESS YOURSELF" AS ONE OF THE GAME'S TAGLINES THEN GIVE ME AS MANY CLOTHES OPTIONS AS MY HIGH SCHOOL DRESS CODE.
YOU CAN'T EVEN CHANGE HAIR COLOUR. DO I WANT DECENT HAIR BUT IT'S BLOND, OR MY ACTUAL BRUNETTE COLOUR BUT WITH A BUZZCUT DONE BY A BLIND GUY MID SEIZURE. DEAR SLIM, I WROTE YOU BECAUSE I'M FUCKING BLOND NOW.
The year is 3248. Civilisation lies in ruins. The human race is near extinction. I'M STILL SHOOTING THIS DROIDEKA HOW MANY BULLETS DO THEY TAKE FUCKING DIE. AND THAT'S IF I CAN REACH THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE, YOUR MOVEMENT SPEED IN THIS GAME IS COMPARABLE TO ME CIRCA 1998, AKA A TITTY SUCKING 1 YEAR OLD.
The game's awesome, the sprawling landscapes, intricate corridor networks and vehicle variety make the scope feel HUGE and, when you finally do find an enemy after five minutes, you find ALL the enemies, leading to frantic, adrenaline fuelled clusterfucks where the fast time to kill assures high pressure standoffs and a feeling of flow state as your momentum hurls you from enemy to enemy.
The jank elements get fixed in the sequel, meaning there's not really much reason to play this nowadays as it's literally just this game but better, but on its own merits it's fucking fire.
The game's awesome, the sprawling landscapes, intricate corridor networks and vehicle variety make the scope feel HUGE and, when you finally do find an enemy after five minutes, you find ALL the enemies, leading to frantic, adrenaline fuelled clusterfucks where the fast time to kill assures high pressure standoffs and a feeling of flow state as your momentum hurls you from enemy to enemy.
The jank elements get fixed in the sequel, meaning there's not really much reason to play this nowadays as it's literally just this game but better, but on its own merits it's fucking fire.
I look back on my syphilis diagnosis more fondly than my time with this game. Literally just Candy Crush but WOAH SOME OF THE TILES ARE CONDOMS, THAT'S ADULT HUMOUR, LIKE THE SHOW, CONDOMS HAHAHA. And sometimes a Peter jpeg will pop up with some random show soundbite just so they can call it a "Family Guy game". THE cynical cash grab, bullshit ass fuck off
2003
Ayo FUCK this game in particular
THE OPEN WORLD'S ASS DUDE. THE STREETS ARE DESIGNED TO ACCOMMODATE ONE AND A HALF PEOPLE, IF YOU SLIGHTLY INHALE YOU'RE SQUASHED UP AGAINST A BUILDING.
AND TRAFFIC. EVERYWHERE. HERE WE GO I'M GETTING SOME SPEED OPE SMASHED INTO A CAR. LEMME ACCELERATE AGAI- OPE THREE MORE CARS. AN OPEN SPACE HERE WE G- NEVERMIND A CAR MATERIALISED FROM JUST OFF SCREEN AND FUCKING DEMOLISHED MY SIDE WINDOW.
Ahhh you can drop down to go under the cars, well that's much bet- SPLOOPS 500 CIVILIANS EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME UNAVOIDABLE YOU HIT THEM HERE'S THE ENTIRE UNITED MILITIA TO FUCK YOU
Ten years later, you make it to the mission marker... I SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN THE OPEN WORLD. ESCORT MISSIONS. THE SLOWEST WALKER IN DOCUMENTED HISTORY WITH THE PAIN THRESHOLD OF PAPER, YOU'RE PART OF THE REBEL MILITANT WHY DO YOU EVEN NEED PROTECTION DO THIS SHIT YOURSELF YOU CUCK. MAKE IT 95% OF THE WAY THERE AGAINST ALL ODDS? OH NOES HE GOT SKIMMED ON THE ARM THREE TIMES HE'S SLEEPY WEEPY DEAD, REDO THE ENTIRE MISSION.
TURRET SECTIONS ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH
Even the core gunplay is BALLS ASS. The first game was focused on the movement, so it made the movement as amazing as possible. Snappy, responsive mechanics. Little nuances that reward control mastery like how the punch uppercut ground pound spin flow seamlessly together. Satisfying as FUCK.
WHAT'S THE GUNPLAY FAM. You kinda just awkwardly shuffle your way into the general direction of the enemies, press fire a few times oh the bullets have started missing gotta re-awkwardly-shuffle back UH OH hit from behind WHY DIDN'T YOU ATTACK HIM SOONER? So you've got this weird dynamic where you've got the most fire movement mechanics in gaming history carried over from the first game, but with most of the game focusing on the dog ass gunplay.
ALL HAIL THE JETBOARD THOUGH THAT'S HOW YOU FUCKING DO IT. An awesome extension to Jak's core movement system that leads to some great platforming sequences and more sprawling level designs, sometimes focused on exploration, other times high wire/high pressure precision platforming grinding pipes over giant death pits. SO ANYWAY HERE'S A THREE MINUTE TURRET SECTION LMAO FUUUUUCK
The time travel story is neato
THE OPEN WORLD'S ASS DUDE. THE STREETS ARE DESIGNED TO ACCOMMODATE ONE AND A HALF PEOPLE, IF YOU SLIGHTLY INHALE YOU'RE SQUASHED UP AGAINST A BUILDING.
AND TRAFFIC. EVERYWHERE. HERE WE GO I'M GETTING SOME SPEED OPE SMASHED INTO A CAR. LEMME ACCELERATE AGAI- OPE THREE MORE CARS. AN OPEN SPACE HERE WE G- NEVERMIND A CAR MATERIALISED FROM JUST OFF SCREEN AND FUCKING DEMOLISHED MY SIDE WINDOW.
Ahhh you can drop down to go under the cars, well that's much bet- SPLOOPS 500 CIVILIANS EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME UNAVOIDABLE YOU HIT THEM HERE'S THE ENTIRE UNITED MILITIA TO FUCK YOU
Ten years later, you make it to the mission marker... I SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN THE OPEN WORLD. ESCORT MISSIONS. THE SLOWEST WALKER IN DOCUMENTED HISTORY WITH THE PAIN THRESHOLD OF PAPER, YOU'RE PART OF THE REBEL MILITANT WHY DO YOU EVEN NEED PROTECTION DO THIS SHIT YOURSELF YOU CUCK. MAKE IT 95% OF THE WAY THERE AGAINST ALL ODDS? OH NOES HE GOT SKIMMED ON THE ARM THREE TIMES HE'S SLEEPY WEEPY DEAD, REDO THE ENTIRE MISSION.
TURRET SECTIONS ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH
Even the core gunplay is BALLS ASS. The first game was focused on the movement, so it made the movement as amazing as possible. Snappy, responsive mechanics. Little nuances that reward control mastery like how the punch uppercut ground pound spin flow seamlessly together. Satisfying as FUCK.
WHAT'S THE GUNPLAY FAM. You kinda just awkwardly shuffle your way into the general direction of the enemies, press fire a few times oh the bullets have started missing gotta re-awkwardly-shuffle back UH OH hit from behind WHY DIDN'T YOU ATTACK HIM SOONER? So you've got this weird dynamic where you've got the most fire movement mechanics in gaming history carried over from the first game, but with most of the game focusing on the dog ass gunplay.
ALL HAIL THE JETBOARD THOUGH THAT'S HOW YOU FUCKING DO IT. An awesome extension to Jak's core movement system that leads to some great platforming sequences and more sprawling level designs, sometimes focused on exploration, other times high wire/high pressure precision platforming grinding pipes over giant death pits. SO ANYWAY HERE'S A THREE MINUTE TURRET SECTION LMAO FUUUUUCK
The time travel story is neato
I'm CONVINCED the writers have never seen a black person before, EVERY line of dialogue vaguely pertaining to Jerome is like "ayo, you ever notice Jerome is black?" "I was watching a documentary recently about Africa... Africa, AFRICAN AMERICAN, LIKE JEROME". "What's Jerome, black and Jerome all over? JEROME, THE BLACK GUY"
There's a "joke" where Bonnie laments "I hope no one notices the hard booger in my nostrils". A real person read that and enjoyed it so much they gave real money to another real person for writing it. I miss the black jokes
WHERE'S THE GAME. Tap this jpeg of a house, okay now wait twelve hours IN REAL LIFE... alright now tap THIS jpeg of a house, wait sixteen hou-
A menu simulator designed to dopamine trick your brain into paying 99 dollars for jpegs of badly drawn infrastructure. Wipe your hard booger filled nostrils with that 99 dollars then hug the nearest black guy instead, absolute wank
There's a "joke" where Bonnie laments "I hope no one notices the hard booger in my nostrils". A real person read that and enjoyed it so much they gave real money to another real person for writing it. I miss the black jokes
WHERE'S THE GAME. Tap this jpeg of a house, okay now wait twelve hours IN REAL LIFE... alright now tap THIS jpeg of a house, wait sixteen hou-
A menu simulator designed to dopamine trick your brain into paying 99 dollars for jpegs of badly drawn infrastructure. Wipe your hard booger filled nostrils with that 99 dollars then hug the nearest black guy instead, absolute wank
2003
The sharpest quality nosedive since Tumblr got rid of porn WHAT HAPPENED
Level 1, FIRE. Explore an incredible rendition of the Planet Express building, with every inch turning character quirks and in-jokes into some hilarious platforming sequence. Scruffy's too busy looking at pictures of titties to tend to his janitorial work, so platform over rusty crates through a flooded basement. Farnsworth hasn't had an inspector check the premises for leaks and damage since before Fry was frozen, so jump around bursting vents and pipes. Bender's taking a shit. It has nothing to do with anything he's just there pissing and shitting. This is GOLD, there's nothing that could stop this incredible experience, NOTHING that could derail the epic momentum this first level BAM SEWERS.
There's an enemy running straight towards you, SO HOW ABOUT THE AIMING LOCK-ON JUST SPINS YOU 180 DEGRESS TO TARGET A RANDOM CRATE YOU PASSED FIVE MINUTES AGO. If you overcome the odds and target an actual enemy, YOU MAY AS WELL HAVE JUST TARGETED THE CRATE I'VE SHOT HIM 50 TIMES WHY'S HE STILL GNAWING MY ARM. Numerous platforming challenges over insta-death pools of insta-death, DO IT ALL WITH THE HEAVIEST JUMP GRAVITY ALLOWS WITH CONTROLS THAT ARE SOMEHOW ALSO SUPER LOOSE AND IMPRECISE, SO YOU JUMP HALF A CENTIMETER BUT THEN TURN MID-AIR FASTER THAN THE AIMING LOCK-ON WHEN YOU TRY TO TARGET AN ENEMY RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.
ALL WITH CHECKPOINTS SO FAR BACK NOT EVEN THE TARGETING SYSTEM CAN LOCK-ON TO THEM, SO YOU'LL REPLAY THESE SEGMENTS MORE TIMES THAN YOU'LL PRESS THE TARGET BUTTON TRYING TO LOCK-ON TO AN ENEMY WHY'S THE TARGETING SYSTEM SO SHIT FOR FUCK'S SAKE
There's an official cutscene compilation I'd recommend watching instead, but it's only available as an extra on the DVD of the second worst Futurama movie, so yeah just don't experience this game in any form
Level 1, FIRE. Explore an incredible rendition of the Planet Express building, with every inch turning character quirks and in-jokes into some hilarious platforming sequence. Scruffy's too busy looking at pictures of titties to tend to his janitorial work, so platform over rusty crates through a flooded basement. Farnsworth hasn't had an inspector check the premises for leaks and damage since before Fry was frozen, so jump around bursting vents and pipes. Bender's taking a shit. It has nothing to do with anything he's just there pissing and shitting. This is GOLD, there's nothing that could stop this incredible experience, NOTHING that could derail the epic momentum this first level BAM SEWERS.
There's an enemy running straight towards you, SO HOW ABOUT THE AIMING LOCK-ON JUST SPINS YOU 180 DEGRESS TO TARGET A RANDOM CRATE YOU PASSED FIVE MINUTES AGO. If you overcome the odds and target an actual enemy, YOU MAY AS WELL HAVE JUST TARGETED THE CRATE I'VE SHOT HIM 50 TIMES WHY'S HE STILL GNAWING MY ARM. Numerous platforming challenges over insta-death pools of insta-death, DO IT ALL WITH THE HEAVIEST JUMP GRAVITY ALLOWS WITH CONTROLS THAT ARE SOMEHOW ALSO SUPER LOOSE AND IMPRECISE, SO YOU JUMP HALF A CENTIMETER BUT THEN TURN MID-AIR FASTER THAN THE AIMING LOCK-ON WHEN YOU TRY TO TARGET AN ENEMY RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.
ALL WITH CHECKPOINTS SO FAR BACK NOT EVEN THE TARGETING SYSTEM CAN LOCK-ON TO THEM, SO YOU'LL REPLAY THESE SEGMENTS MORE TIMES THAN YOU'LL PRESS THE TARGET BUTTON TRYING TO LOCK-ON TO AN ENEMY WHY'S THE TARGETING SYSTEM SO SHIT FOR FUCK'S SAKE
There's an official cutscene compilation I'd recommend watching instead, but it's only available as an extra on the DVD of the second worst Futurama movie, so yeah just don't experience this game in any form
WHERE'S THE REST OF THE GAME
In Stick of Truth and Fractured Asshole, you're hurled from grand setpiece to grand setpiece. GIANT NAZI ZOMBIE FETUSES. TRAVELING THROUGH TIME WITH THE POWER OF FARTS. SHRINKING DOWN TO BATTLE UNDER YOUR PARENTS AS THEY FUCK. Fuck YES.
In Snow Day, you begin in a grassy field covered in snow. Then, you travel to a grassy field covered in snow. BEFORE GOING TO WAR WITH KYLE, STANDING OFF IN A GRAND BATTLE FOR THE AGES IN a grassy field covered in snow. Ehhh maybe I'm not being fair. A TRAIN. I SAW A TRAIN AT ONE POINT. It didn't do anything but THERE WAS LIKE HALF OF A TRAIN KINDA STICKING OUT OF THE GRASS AND SNOW LET'S FUCKING GO WOOOOOOO
What's square, the attack button and square all over? SQUARE, THE ATTACK BUTTON, THAT YOU'LL BE EXCLUSIVELY PRESSING EVERY GODDAMN BATTLE. I accidentally pressed L2 at one point, triggering my ranged weapon. It did barely any damage. I went back to mashing square.
EVEN THE CUSTOMISATION. Do I want a hoodie with no colour whatsoever, or a hoodie with colour... WITH THE WORD “SNOWBOARD” ON IN THE BIGGEST FONT THEY COULD FIND. Now I gotta pretend to be passionate about snowboarding everywhere I go. I've never even snowboarded. I HAVEN'T EVEN TOUCHED SNOW SINCE 2017. Well I have now, IT'S ALL THIS GAME HAS.
And while shopping, THE CHARACTERS. DO NOT. SHUT THE FUCK UP. Despite you only being in the shop for 20 seconds because there's five t-shirts to browse, you WILL hear Tweek and Craig say the same joke three times consecutively.
BUT THEN THE CHARACTERS GOT NOTHING WHEN YOU ACTUALLY WANT JOKES FROM THEM. There you are, slogging through the grassiest, snowiest field you've ever seen, in DEAD SILENCE like the past 20 minutes, and OH SHIT! CARTMAN'S ABOUT TO SAY SOMETHING. YOU'RE ABOUT TO FEEL SOMETHING FOR THE FIRST TIME IN AN HOUR. “Remember you can press R1 to put down a healing totem”...
This game is the most early 2000s licensed PS2 game of all time. It's not as bad as you've probably heard, it's perfectly FINE… but just watch the cutscenes on YouTube dude.
In Stick of Truth and Fractured Asshole, you're hurled from grand setpiece to grand setpiece. GIANT NAZI ZOMBIE FETUSES. TRAVELING THROUGH TIME WITH THE POWER OF FARTS. SHRINKING DOWN TO BATTLE UNDER YOUR PARENTS AS THEY FUCK. Fuck YES.
In Snow Day, you begin in a grassy field covered in snow. Then, you travel to a grassy field covered in snow. BEFORE GOING TO WAR WITH KYLE, STANDING OFF IN A GRAND BATTLE FOR THE AGES IN a grassy field covered in snow. Ehhh maybe I'm not being fair. A TRAIN. I SAW A TRAIN AT ONE POINT. It didn't do anything but THERE WAS LIKE HALF OF A TRAIN KINDA STICKING OUT OF THE GRASS AND SNOW LET'S FUCKING GO WOOOOOOO
What's square, the attack button and square all over? SQUARE, THE ATTACK BUTTON, THAT YOU'LL BE EXCLUSIVELY PRESSING EVERY GODDAMN BATTLE. I accidentally pressed L2 at one point, triggering my ranged weapon. It did barely any damage. I went back to mashing square.
EVEN THE CUSTOMISATION. Do I want a hoodie with no colour whatsoever, or a hoodie with colour... WITH THE WORD “SNOWBOARD” ON IN THE BIGGEST FONT THEY COULD FIND. Now I gotta pretend to be passionate about snowboarding everywhere I go. I've never even snowboarded. I HAVEN'T EVEN TOUCHED SNOW SINCE 2017. Well I have now, IT'S ALL THIS GAME HAS.
And while shopping, THE CHARACTERS. DO NOT. SHUT THE FUCK UP. Despite you only being in the shop for 20 seconds because there's five t-shirts to browse, you WILL hear Tweek and Craig say the same joke three times consecutively.
BUT THEN THE CHARACTERS GOT NOTHING WHEN YOU ACTUALLY WANT JOKES FROM THEM. There you are, slogging through the grassiest, snowiest field you've ever seen, in DEAD SILENCE like the past 20 minutes, and OH SHIT! CARTMAN'S ABOUT TO SAY SOMETHING. YOU'RE ABOUT TO FEEL SOMETHING FOR THE FIRST TIME IN AN HOUR. “Remember you can press R1 to put down a healing totem”...
This game is the most early 2000s licensed PS2 game of all time. It's not as bad as you've probably heard, it's perfectly FINE… but just watch the cutscenes on YouTube dude.
Why the FUCK would you make this
Platform through level designs more basic than actual street geometry. Do that for one minute, then play the shittiest ass minigame you've ever seen. Repeat for 90 MINUTES then- why are the developer's names scrolling on my screen
Drive the slowest tank ever constructed until OH NO, A MINE IS BLOCKING YOUR PATH... so you safely shoot the mine from 700 miles away, then very very slowly continue until another mine appears and... exists, menacingly. Sometimes you'll have to RICOCHET A SHOT AROUND A CORNER HOLY SHIT, like just kinda shoot a shot, see if that bounces the right way, no it didn't, okay so I'll turn slightly more left, shoot, nope not quite, little more left, yeah that got it... YOOOOOO HOLY FU
FLAPPY BIRD. Literally just Flappy Bird but if it took place in the GRAND CANYON, it's harder to HIT the environments than miss them this is a fucking open world
Tap A. Just tap A a bunch of times, then a few more times... YOU DID IT HOLY FUCK WOOOOOOO
You have to play every minigame like three times. Don't even play them once.
Platform through level designs more basic than actual street geometry. Do that for one minute, then play the shittiest ass minigame you've ever seen. Repeat for 90 MINUTES then- why are the developer's names scrolling on my screen
Drive the slowest tank ever constructed until OH NO, A MINE IS BLOCKING YOUR PATH... so you safely shoot the mine from 700 miles away, then very very slowly continue until another mine appears and... exists, menacingly. Sometimes you'll have to RICOCHET A SHOT AROUND A CORNER HOLY SHIT, like just kinda shoot a shot, see if that bounces the right way, no it didn't, okay so I'll turn slightly more left, shoot, nope not quite, little more left, yeah that got it... YOOOOOO HOLY FU
FLAPPY BIRD. Literally just Flappy Bird but if it took place in the GRAND CANYON, it's harder to HIT the environments than miss them this is a fucking open world
Tap A. Just tap A a bunch of times, then a few more times... YOU DID IT HOLY FUCK WOOOOOOO
You have to play every minigame like three times. Don't even play them once.