JoshyBray
2019
The Brian Griffin of video games; a game that WANTS you to believe it's clever and deep, but is really as shallow as it is pretentious
Every mission starts with some asshole dressed as the year 2002 rambling two paragraphs of shit like "to do a fakie pressure flip just place your front foot perpendicular to your back foot mid pop while doing a switch 360 laserflip into nose manual 5-0 darkside". But then you look at the controls menu and it's just two analogue stick flicks, the mission's over in 30 seconds. JUST GIVE ME THE BUTTON PROMPTS WHAT WAS THAT OTHER SHIT, I'LL PUT FAKIE PRESSURE ON YOUR THROAT
THAT IS IF THE GAME REGISTERS YOU COMPLETING THE MISSION. Half of my time with this game was spent doing an objective ten times, wondering why it's not registering, watching a YouTube video of them doing the exact same thing I did, then reading a comment saying "ah yeah, you just have to ollie slightly earlier than the in-game parameters tell you to, I got it to work on my 50th attempt".
"The game is hard because of the controls". EVERY review mentions this. The game itself says this, PROUDLY stating so in the controls menu. But that's the issue. The level design, mission design, all of the DESIGN is easy. The ONLY difficulty comes from fighting the controls. And when a game is ONLY difficult because of the controls, the game isn't challenging, it's unintuitive. Barely anyone has played this game because no one can find it, because it's completely disappeared up its own ass
AND WHAT THE FUCK IS THE CHARACTER CUSTOMISATION. DO I WANT A BLACK T-SHIRT WITH SOME SHITTY SHOE BRAND LOGO... OR A BLACK T-SHIRT WITH A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT SHITTY SHOE BRAND LOGO. I JUST WANT AN ORANGE JACKET THIS IS SHIT. HOW YOU GONNA HAVE "EXPRESS YOURSELF" AS ONE OF THE GAME'S TAGLINES THEN GIVE ME AS MANY CLOTHES OPTIONS AS MY HIGH SCHOOL DRESS CODE.
YOU CAN'T EVEN CHANGE HAIR COLOUR. DO I WANT DECENT HAIR BUT IT'S BLOND, OR MY ACTUAL BRUNETTE COLOUR BUT WITH A BUZZCUT DONE BY A BLIND GUY MID SEIZURE. DEAR SLIM, I WROTE YOU BECAUSE I'M FUCKING BLOND NOW.
Every mission starts with some asshole dressed as the year 2002 rambling two paragraphs of shit like "to do a fakie pressure flip just place your front foot perpendicular to your back foot mid pop while doing a switch 360 laserflip into nose manual 5-0 darkside". But then you look at the controls menu and it's just two analogue stick flicks, the mission's over in 30 seconds. JUST GIVE ME THE BUTTON PROMPTS WHAT WAS THAT OTHER SHIT, I'LL PUT FAKIE PRESSURE ON YOUR THROAT
THAT IS IF THE GAME REGISTERS YOU COMPLETING THE MISSION. Half of my time with this game was spent doing an objective ten times, wondering why it's not registering, watching a YouTube video of them doing the exact same thing I did, then reading a comment saying "ah yeah, you just have to ollie slightly earlier than the in-game parameters tell you to, I got it to work on my 50th attempt".
"The game is hard because of the controls". EVERY review mentions this. The game itself says this, PROUDLY stating so in the controls menu. But that's the issue. The level design, mission design, all of the DESIGN is easy. The ONLY difficulty comes from fighting the controls. And when a game is ONLY difficult because of the controls, the game isn't challenging, it's unintuitive. Barely anyone has played this game because no one can find it, because it's completely disappeared up its own ass
AND WHAT THE FUCK IS THE CHARACTER CUSTOMISATION. DO I WANT A BLACK T-SHIRT WITH SOME SHITTY SHOE BRAND LOGO... OR A BLACK T-SHIRT WITH A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT SHITTY SHOE BRAND LOGO. I JUST WANT AN ORANGE JACKET THIS IS SHIT. HOW YOU GONNA HAVE "EXPRESS YOURSELF" AS ONE OF THE GAME'S TAGLINES THEN GIVE ME AS MANY CLOTHES OPTIONS AS MY HIGH SCHOOL DRESS CODE.
YOU CAN'T EVEN CHANGE HAIR COLOUR. DO I WANT DECENT HAIR BUT IT'S BLOND, OR MY ACTUAL BRUNETTE COLOUR BUT WITH A BUZZCUT DONE BY A BLIND GUY MID SEIZURE. DEAR SLIM, I WROTE YOU BECAUSE I'M FUCKING BLOND NOW.
THE FULL ASSASSIN'S CREED EXPERIENCE ON THE GO, unfortunately
You WILL tail 500 people as slowly as the human construct allows.
Stealth missions! With stealth mechanics from the early 90s where an enemy will see you through a wall, so you hide in a pile of hay for eight seconds prompting the population of a village that watched you enter the hay to forget you were ever there.
On the bright side, exploring the open world is a BLAST... in two minute increments because the game keeps thinking you want to jump off the 50 foot building you're on so the sickest parkour sequence you've ever seen will abruptly end as you randomly dive to the right into concrete next to a horse whose legs are glitched into the ground
For real though, the setting FUCKS. Beyond the more traditional city area is some of the most unique environments in the franchise, home to this game's most memorable moments.
Free running across the decrepit branches of a rundown bayou into a dive to the murky swamps beneath, only for a fucking CROCODILE to burst through the mud and chomp at you. Lurking through a centuries old temple, hopping over crumbling chasms and wading through flooded caverns to unearth the city's greatest secrets.
The most 8/10 Uncharted spinoff you've ever played is buried somewhere in this game, and it's a shame most of the game focuses on emulating its console peers when it shines brightest molding its own identity.
The story is especially unique, in the sense that it ignores all forms of good storytelling. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON. Characters come and go from the story at complete random. ENTIRE PLOTLINES come and go from the story at complete random.
Half of the characters aren't characters, like their entire personality is "they talk cryptically", so you sit through a cutscene of some voodoo person talking about voodoo, then tail some random slave owner who never appears again, then hear about voodoo some more before the voodoo person is also never seen again.
After finding a holographic projection in 18th century Louisiana, I knew this story wasn't for me.
You WILL tail 500 people as slowly as the human construct allows.
Stealth missions! With stealth mechanics from the early 90s where an enemy will see you through a wall, so you hide in a pile of hay for eight seconds prompting the population of a village that watched you enter the hay to forget you were ever there.
On the bright side, exploring the open world is a BLAST... in two minute increments because the game keeps thinking you want to jump off the 50 foot building you're on so the sickest parkour sequence you've ever seen will abruptly end as you randomly dive to the right into concrete next to a horse whose legs are glitched into the ground
For real though, the setting FUCKS. Beyond the more traditional city area is some of the most unique environments in the franchise, home to this game's most memorable moments.
Free running across the decrepit branches of a rundown bayou into a dive to the murky swamps beneath, only for a fucking CROCODILE to burst through the mud and chomp at you. Lurking through a centuries old temple, hopping over crumbling chasms and wading through flooded caverns to unearth the city's greatest secrets.
The most 8/10 Uncharted spinoff you've ever played is buried somewhere in this game, and it's a shame most of the game focuses on emulating its console peers when it shines brightest molding its own identity.
The story is especially unique, in the sense that it ignores all forms of good storytelling. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON. Characters come and go from the story at complete random. ENTIRE PLOTLINES come and go from the story at complete random.
Half of the characters aren't characters, like their entire personality is "they talk cryptically", so you sit through a cutscene of some voodoo person talking about voodoo, then tail some random slave owner who never appears again, then hear about voodoo some more before the voodoo person is also never seen again.
After finding a holographic projection in 18th century Louisiana, I knew this story wasn't for me.
The biggest blue balls in gaming history
On paper this is the ULTIMATE Star Wars game. An action adventure EPIC turning EVERY planet from the Skywalker Saga into SPRAWLING collect-a-thon playgrounds, EXPANDING these iconic locales into thriving landscapes of secret areas and satirical gags... BUT THE MECHANICS AND LEVEL DESIGN ARE SO FUCKING BORING
USE THE MYSTICAL POWERS OF THE ALMIGHTY JEDI TO very, very slowly move this crate into position. Don't worry about any sort of challenge making this interesting, the crate automatically locks into a specific spot. THEN USE THESE TRANSCENDENT FORCES OF MYTHICAL LEGEND TO very, very slowly move this other crate onto the first one. Again, don't worry about the crates falling over or any other room for error that could make this vaguely interesting, this crate also automatically slots into position. STACKING CRATES IS WHAT MY UNCLE DOES FOR A LIVING, I'M DARTH "ANAKIN" VADER NOT KEITH, THIS IS TERRIBLE
A series of platforms. Hell yeah, some 3D platforming!... Press X. That's it. To jump from platform to platform, press X. You don't have to aim. You can't fall. Press X. And again. And again three more times... YOU DID IT HOLY SHIT YEEEEAAAAHHHH YOU'RE A GOD AMONGST CLOWNS MAKE LOVE TO ME
BLOCKING SHOTS IS AUTOMATIC. YOU COULD STAND ANAKIN IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE CLONE ARMY, PUT THE CONTROLLER DOWN, FLY TO FUCKING ISTANBUL AND PISS AND SHIT THERE FOR TWO WEEKS, AND RETURN TO ANAKIN "THE KID KILLER" VADER STILL STANDING THERE COMPLETELY UNHARMED.
Complete Saga's mechanics were basic. Time a button press to dodge a bullet. Jump over these really close together platforms. Use the right character at the right terminal. Individually mundane, but collectively creating a consistent stream of micro scenarios to subconsciously problem solve. It's easy, but never mindless. Skywalker Saga lacks many of these micro systems, meaning the moment-to-moment gameplay is almost non-existent.
Darth Sidious accidentally calling for Order 67, which makes all stormtroopers break out in a dance party, was the exact moment I knew my suicide note was worth finishing
On paper this is the ULTIMATE Star Wars game. An action adventure EPIC turning EVERY planet from the Skywalker Saga into SPRAWLING collect-a-thon playgrounds, EXPANDING these iconic locales into thriving landscapes of secret areas and satirical gags... BUT THE MECHANICS AND LEVEL DESIGN ARE SO FUCKING BORING
USE THE MYSTICAL POWERS OF THE ALMIGHTY JEDI TO very, very slowly move this crate into position. Don't worry about any sort of challenge making this interesting, the crate automatically locks into a specific spot. THEN USE THESE TRANSCENDENT FORCES OF MYTHICAL LEGEND TO very, very slowly move this other crate onto the first one. Again, don't worry about the crates falling over or any other room for error that could make this vaguely interesting, this crate also automatically slots into position. STACKING CRATES IS WHAT MY UNCLE DOES FOR A LIVING, I'M DARTH "ANAKIN" VADER NOT KEITH, THIS IS TERRIBLE
A series of platforms. Hell yeah, some 3D platforming!... Press X. That's it. To jump from platform to platform, press X. You don't have to aim. You can't fall. Press X. And again. And again three more times... YOU DID IT HOLY SHIT YEEEEAAAAHHHH YOU'RE A GOD AMONGST CLOWNS MAKE LOVE TO ME
BLOCKING SHOTS IS AUTOMATIC. YOU COULD STAND ANAKIN IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE CLONE ARMY, PUT THE CONTROLLER DOWN, FLY TO FUCKING ISTANBUL AND PISS AND SHIT THERE FOR TWO WEEKS, AND RETURN TO ANAKIN "THE KID KILLER" VADER STILL STANDING THERE COMPLETELY UNHARMED.
Complete Saga's mechanics were basic. Time a button press to dodge a bullet. Jump over these really close together platforms. Use the right character at the right terminal. Individually mundane, but collectively creating a consistent stream of micro scenarios to subconsciously problem solve. It's easy, but never mindless. Skywalker Saga lacks many of these micro systems, meaning the moment-to-moment gameplay is almost non-existent.
Darth Sidious accidentally calling for Order 67, which makes all stormtroopers break out in a dance party, was the exact moment I knew my suicide note was worth finishing
2014
MADE FROM THE GROUND UP. FOR THE ALL POWERFUL NEXT GENERATION SYSTEMS... with an entire year less than the developers needed to finish it, WHERE'S THE REST OF THE GAME
YOU CAN'T EVEN CREATE WOMEN IN THIS. I know Vince McMahon was in charge at the time so it's probably best to keep even fictional women as far away from him as possible, but they didn't start their partnership with Saudi Arabia until 5 years later so WHERE'S THE WOMEN
MyCareer is PAINFUL DUDE. A meandering slog of meaningless match after meaningless match. Barely any story. Barely any purpose. Half the time against some random Create-a-Wrestler that MUST have been designed by someone who's just been introduced to the concept of graphic design for the first time. Who the FUCK is Jayden Jet and why have I just won the SmackDown tag titles with him
Showcase Mode. I know a lot of you guys like this and I respect that, but alternatively FUCK YOU AND YOUR PASSIONS, THIS IS ASS BRO. PLAY AS THE SAME FOUR PEOPLE FOR 50 FUCKING MATCHES, HALF OF WHICH ARE RANDOM TAG MATCHES FROM RAW IN 2013 THAT WERE FORGOTTEN THE DAY AFTER THEY AIRED, I'M BORED AS FUCK WHERE'S JAYDEN JET WHEN YOU NEED HIM
Even the core gameplay is bollocks. After decades of arcade gameplay, 2K15 focuses on simulation... SIMULATION OF 2023 MATT HARDY, YOU CAN BARELY DO ANYTHING IT'S SO JANK. If you try to run, the wrestler has this almost mini stutter before he properly gets going. The animation for TURNING AROUND was mocapped by a 95 year old on their deathbed. See this enemy right in front of you that you wanna dive on? THE GAME DOESN'T, FACE FIRST INTO THE CONCRETE SPLOOPS.
The core mechanics are FUNCTIONAL most of the time, they just have a ton of small quirks like this that add up to make the gameplay deeply unsatisfying. The chain grappling minigame is REALLY functional in fact, so functional it's ALL YOU DO. EVERY OTHER MOVE auto changes into some shitty minigame where you gotta move the right analogue stick into a specific position before your opponent does. Your grand reward for succeeding is the grip of your headlock tightens slightly. MY HEADLOCK IS SLIGHTLY MORE SECURE GUYS WE FUCKING DID IT WOOOOOO
A barren wasteland, and the content that IS there is clunky and tedious. I will buy next year's game and keep buying them every year until I pass away
YOU CAN'T EVEN CREATE WOMEN IN THIS. I know Vince McMahon was in charge at the time so it's probably best to keep even fictional women as far away from him as possible, but they didn't start their partnership with Saudi Arabia until 5 years later so WHERE'S THE WOMEN
MyCareer is PAINFUL DUDE. A meandering slog of meaningless match after meaningless match. Barely any story. Barely any purpose. Half the time against some random Create-a-Wrestler that MUST have been designed by someone who's just been introduced to the concept of graphic design for the first time. Who the FUCK is Jayden Jet and why have I just won the SmackDown tag titles with him
Showcase Mode. I know a lot of you guys like this and I respect that, but alternatively FUCK YOU AND YOUR PASSIONS, THIS IS ASS BRO. PLAY AS THE SAME FOUR PEOPLE FOR 50 FUCKING MATCHES, HALF OF WHICH ARE RANDOM TAG MATCHES FROM RAW IN 2013 THAT WERE FORGOTTEN THE DAY AFTER THEY AIRED, I'M BORED AS FUCK WHERE'S JAYDEN JET WHEN YOU NEED HIM
Even the core gameplay is bollocks. After decades of arcade gameplay, 2K15 focuses on simulation... SIMULATION OF 2023 MATT HARDY, YOU CAN BARELY DO ANYTHING IT'S SO JANK. If you try to run, the wrestler has this almost mini stutter before he properly gets going. The animation for TURNING AROUND was mocapped by a 95 year old on their deathbed. See this enemy right in front of you that you wanna dive on? THE GAME DOESN'T, FACE FIRST INTO THE CONCRETE SPLOOPS.
The core mechanics are FUNCTIONAL most of the time, they just have a ton of small quirks like this that add up to make the gameplay deeply unsatisfying. The chain grappling minigame is REALLY functional in fact, so functional it's ALL YOU DO. EVERY OTHER MOVE auto changes into some shitty minigame where you gotta move the right analogue stick into a specific position before your opponent does. Your grand reward for succeeding is the grip of your headlock tightens slightly. MY HEADLOCK IS SLIGHTLY MORE SECURE GUYS WE FUCKING DID IT WOOOOOO
A barren wasteland, and the content that IS there is clunky and tedious. I will buy next year's game and keep buying them every year until I pass away
BEST THEME SONG IN THEME SONG HISTORY HOLY FUCK. THE SICKEST ELECTRIC GUITAR BASSLINE YOU'LL EVER HEAR IMMEDIATELY TELLS YOU YOU'RE ABOUT TO PLAY THE HARDEST FUCKING PSP GAME EVER, STEP ASIDE BALLSACKBOY. ESCALATED INTO THIS DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL EXPLOSION TO ESTABLISH THE GRAND SCOPE YOU'VE COME TO EXPECT FROM ROCKSTAR, BEFORE ADDING THAT MAFIA UNDERWORLD FLAIR BY TRANSITIONING INTO THE MOST ITALIAN SOUNDING ASS MELODY OF ALL TIME, I GOT CHUNKS OF MEATBALLS LODGED IN MY PSP'S D-PAD I'M COMPLETELY ERECT
And then the game loads and you're playing as the lamest fucking dork in creative writing history lmao YOU PLAY AS THE GUY WHO STILL SUCKS HIS MUM'S TITTIES AT AGE 40 COME ON. Toni Cipriani is the type of guy to browse old Internet forums from 1992 about his passion for scrapbooking
Which really sums this game up. It's got everything you'd expect from a GTA classic - the fast paced gameplay, epic setpieces, amusing satirical undertones - but with core DNA that's just slightly less captivating than the others. I enjoy it in the moment, but I can only remember like three missions a year later. It's your standard GTA missions you've done a million times. They're fun, but the game lacks an identity. It's forgettable.
Also, the soundtrack MUST have been organised by a deaf guy, IT SUCKS ASS WHAT IS THIS. GTA III's soundtrack mostly consisted of lesser known artists because they had a tight music budget, so this game intentionally does the same as a callback to those days... BUT YOU CAN USE ARTISTS THAT COST MORE THAN $5.
The rap station sounds like how my grandmother hears rap music. The pop station somehow found pop fluff more forgettable than what's on actual pop stations. Reggae. All reggae is terrible and reggae's in this game.
The worst 3D GTA, which says more about the quality of the others rather than necessarily the quality of this, because this game still fucking FUCKS
And then the game loads and you're playing as the lamest fucking dork in creative writing history lmao YOU PLAY AS THE GUY WHO STILL SUCKS HIS MUM'S TITTIES AT AGE 40 COME ON. Toni Cipriani is the type of guy to browse old Internet forums from 1992 about his passion for scrapbooking
Which really sums this game up. It's got everything you'd expect from a GTA classic - the fast paced gameplay, epic setpieces, amusing satirical undertones - but with core DNA that's just slightly less captivating than the others. I enjoy it in the moment, but I can only remember like three missions a year later. It's your standard GTA missions you've done a million times. They're fun, but the game lacks an identity. It's forgettable.
Also, the soundtrack MUST have been organised by a deaf guy, IT SUCKS ASS WHAT IS THIS. GTA III's soundtrack mostly consisted of lesser known artists because they had a tight music budget, so this game intentionally does the same as a callback to those days... BUT YOU CAN USE ARTISTS THAT COST MORE THAN $5.
The rap station sounds like how my grandmother hears rap music. The pop station somehow found pop fluff more forgettable than what's on actual pop stations. Reggae. All reggae is terrible and reggae's in this game.
The worst 3D GTA, which says more about the quality of the others rather than necessarily the quality of this, because this game still fucking FUCKS
This game FUCKS, YOU'RE ALL WRONG
One of the best gameplay formulas in gaming history JACKED UP by the power of next gen, the SPRAWLING level designs are PACKED with creative platforming sequences and secret areas. LEAPING ACROSS T-REX FOSSILS BEFORE PARAGLIDING THROUGH SNAKING CAVE SYSTEMS. HOPPING ACROSS ROCKS GLISTENING IN THE GUSHING RAVINES OF FEUDAL JAPAN'S GRAND CHASMS. SLIDING ACROSS TRAIN TRACKS AS A 19TH CENTURY LOCOMOTIVE SWERVES AROUND THE CORNER BEHIND YOU. The scope is HUGE, who the FUCK told you this game was bad LET'S FUCKING GO
Enhanced by the ancestors and costumes. The worst thing about the Sly series is that it has INCREDIBLE platforming and CAPTIVATING characters... surrounded by the most dogshit minigame compilation you've ever seen. This game IMPROVES that, with much of the variety now stemming from these.
They keep the same core gameplay as Sly but with enough tweaks and changes to offer unique challenges; third person shooting, 2D platformer segments, some of Sly's moves but with different physics. They're EXTENSIONS of the core movement-focused gameplay rather than DISTRACTIONS FROM it, FUCKING fire... so anyway here's MOTION CONTROLS AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH
YA BLEW IT, WHAT THE FUCK. Control the most jacked caveman ever fossiled but UH OH, this loggy woggy is HEAVY WEVVY, to lift it tilt the controller left WEEEEE tilt the controller right WEEEEE tilt the controller le- EAT SHIT. Zonks, this door is sealed shut, guess it can only be fixed by TILTING A BALL THROUGH A MAZE, DON'T FALL OFF THE EDGES HAHA ROLLY POLY DOOPSY POOPSY. Shake Carmelita's ass. I'm serious, IN THIS GAME FOR 7 YEAR OLDS THERE'S A SEQUENCE WHERE CARMELITA GIVES A LAP DANCE, SHAKE THE CONTROLLER TO SHAKE HER ASSHOLE. "Mummy, what's that on my PS Vita screen?" "Oh nothing Eduardo, it's just LABIA"
The writing, WHAT THE FUCK WHY. This suave, quick witted rogue is now a BELLEND, moping whenever the girlfriend he lied to calls him out on his bullshit then busting out the corniest puns I've heard since my racist uncle was exiled from the family. MURRAY. LOUD. ALL THE TIME. HE'S LOUD LAUGH COME ON. PENELOPE, what the FUCK. Turning this SWEETHEART of a bb grill into EVIL BECAUSE MONEY.
"B-but she was Black Baron, Black Baron evil she was a bitch" YEAH because she was 1) alone in the world and 2) was fighting for survival, she had to use every trick she could. NOW SHE'S GETTING DICKED DAILY SURROUNDED BY PILES OF GOLD, BULLSHIT ASS
Overall though, the game SLAPS eat my SixAxis controlled ass
One of the best gameplay formulas in gaming history JACKED UP by the power of next gen, the SPRAWLING level designs are PACKED with creative platforming sequences and secret areas. LEAPING ACROSS T-REX FOSSILS BEFORE PARAGLIDING THROUGH SNAKING CAVE SYSTEMS. HOPPING ACROSS ROCKS GLISTENING IN THE GUSHING RAVINES OF FEUDAL JAPAN'S GRAND CHASMS. SLIDING ACROSS TRAIN TRACKS AS A 19TH CENTURY LOCOMOTIVE SWERVES AROUND THE CORNER BEHIND YOU. The scope is HUGE, who the FUCK told you this game was bad LET'S FUCKING GO
Enhanced by the ancestors and costumes. The worst thing about the Sly series is that it has INCREDIBLE platforming and CAPTIVATING characters... surrounded by the most dogshit minigame compilation you've ever seen. This game IMPROVES that, with much of the variety now stemming from these.
They keep the same core gameplay as Sly but with enough tweaks and changes to offer unique challenges; third person shooting, 2D platformer segments, some of Sly's moves but with different physics. They're EXTENSIONS of the core movement-focused gameplay rather than DISTRACTIONS FROM it, FUCKING fire... so anyway here's MOTION CONTROLS AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH
YA BLEW IT, WHAT THE FUCK. Control the most jacked caveman ever fossiled but UH OH, this loggy woggy is HEAVY WEVVY, to lift it tilt the controller left WEEEEE tilt the controller right WEEEEE tilt the controller le- EAT SHIT. Zonks, this door is sealed shut, guess it can only be fixed by TILTING A BALL THROUGH A MAZE, DON'T FALL OFF THE EDGES HAHA ROLLY POLY DOOPSY POOPSY. Shake Carmelita's ass. I'm serious, IN THIS GAME FOR 7 YEAR OLDS THERE'S A SEQUENCE WHERE CARMELITA GIVES A LAP DANCE, SHAKE THE CONTROLLER TO SHAKE HER ASSHOLE. "Mummy, what's that on my PS Vita screen?" "Oh nothing Eduardo, it's just LABIA"
The writing, WHAT THE FUCK WHY. This suave, quick witted rogue is now a BELLEND, moping whenever the girlfriend he lied to calls him out on his bullshit then busting out the corniest puns I've heard since my racist uncle was exiled from the family. MURRAY. LOUD. ALL THE TIME. HE'S LOUD LAUGH COME ON. PENELOPE, what the FUCK. Turning this SWEETHEART of a bb grill into EVIL BECAUSE MONEY.
"B-but she was Black Baron, Black Baron evil she was a bitch" YEAH because she was 1) alone in the world and 2) was fighting for survival, she had to use every trick she could. NOW SHE'S GETTING DICKED DAILY SURROUNDED BY PILES OF GOLD, BULLSHIT ASS
Overall though, the game SLAPS eat my SixAxis controlled ass
2013
The worst parts of Thieves in Time for an entire game
MOTION CONTROLS AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH. Navigate through the blandest "l33t hax0rz" environments - everything's E L E C T R I C and B L U E - with the shittiest controls since... I can't even think of a metaphor, this IS the metaphor IT'S FUCKING DOGSHIT. You're not moving very fast, maybe tilt the controller a little more? Alright I'll carefully angle it just a tiny little MAX SPEED? OKAY WEEEEEEEEEE RIGHT INTO THE RAVINE CHOO CHOO YOU'VE PASSED AWAY YEAH
ANYWAY HERE'S A SERIES OF THE MOST POORLY CONSTRUCTED ROOMS IN POORLY CONSTRUCTED ROOMS HISTORY. HOLES IN THE FLOOR. NO WALLS. ELECTRIC HAZARDS. Okay now again just be CAREFUL, really carefully maneuver your way around these holes you don't wanna die so just slowly, very cautiously TIME EXPIRED THERE WAS A TIME LIMIT THE WHOLE TIME YOU TIMED OUT FUCK TIME YOU.
IN THE VITA VERSION YOU TILT THE ENTIRE SYSTEM THE SYSTEM THE SCREEN IS ATTACHED TO THE ENTIRE SCREEN IS CONSTANTLY ROTATING AND SHAKING I CAN'T SEE SHIT
The iconic twin stick shooter from the originals. WAVES OF ENEMIES SWARM THE SCREEN. LESS AND LESS FLOOR BECOMES VISIBLE. YOU'RE PICKING THEM OFF BUT YOU'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME. Fucking FIRE... LET'S FUCK IT UP.
Here's a powerup that gives you the slowest shooting turret coding allows. Destroy these barriers with them. One shot... two shot... okay now here's another barrier, one shot... two shot... alright cool third one in a row, one shot... two sh- FUCK OFF
Lastly, a side scroller where the more hits you land without getting hit yourself, the more powerful your weaponry becomes. A tense RUSH rewarding speed and accuracy, with the speed point bonuses also encouraging you to go even FASTER, an awesome risk/reward dynamic...
Except for the fact that the level design and sweeping screen constantly has you at the edge of the screen which would be fine if it wasn't for the fact that enemies LOVE to swoop in from all directions here's 9 frames AKA 0.2 SECONDS to react BACK TO THE STARTER GUN oopsy sploop haha GET FUCKED
MOTION CONTROLS AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH. Navigate through the blandest "l33t hax0rz" environments - everything's E L E C T R I C and B L U E - with the shittiest controls since... I can't even think of a metaphor, this IS the metaphor IT'S FUCKING DOGSHIT. You're not moving very fast, maybe tilt the controller a little more? Alright I'll carefully angle it just a tiny little MAX SPEED? OKAY WEEEEEEEEEE RIGHT INTO THE RAVINE CHOO CHOO YOU'VE PASSED AWAY YEAH
ANYWAY HERE'S A SERIES OF THE MOST POORLY CONSTRUCTED ROOMS IN POORLY CONSTRUCTED ROOMS HISTORY. HOLES IN THE FLOOR. NO WALLS. ELECTRIC HAZARDS. Okay now again just be CAREFUL, really carefully maneuver your way around these holes you don't wanna die so just slowly, very cautiously TIME EXPIRED THERE WAS A TIME LIMIT THE WHOLE TIME YOU TIMED OUT FUCK TIME YOU.
IN THE VITA VERSION YOU TILT THE ENTIRE SYSTEM THE SYSTEM THE SCREEN IS ATTACHED TO THE ENTIRE SCREEN IS CONSTANTLY ROTATING AND SHAKING I CAN'T SEE SHIT
The iconic twin stick shooter from the originals. WAVES OF ENEMIES SWARM THE SCREEN. LESS AND LESS FLOOR BECOMES VISIBLE. YOU'RE PICKING THEM OFF BUT YOU'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME. Fucking FIRE... LET'S FUCK IT UP.
Here's a powerup that gives you the slowest shooting turret coding allows. Destroy these barriers with them. One shot... two shot... okay now here's another barrier, one shot... two shot... alright cool third one in a row, one shot... two sh- FUCK OFF
Lastly, a side scroller where the more hits you land without getting hit yourself, the more powerful your weaponry becomes. A tense RUSH rewarding speed and accuracy, with the speed point bonuses also encouraging you to go even FASTER, an awesome risk/reward dynamic...
Except for the fact that the level design and sweeping screen constantly has you at the edge of the screen which would be fine if it wasn't for the fact that enemies LOVE to swoop in from all directions here's 9 frames AKA 0.2 SECONDS to react BACK TO THE STARTER GUN oopsy sploop haha GET FUCKED
Why the FUCK would you make this
Platform through level designs more basic than actual street geometry. Do that for one minute, then play the shittiest ass minigame you've ever seen. Repeat for 90 MINUTES then- why are the developer's names scrolling on my screen
Drive the slowest tank ever constructed until OH NO, A MINE IS BLOCKING YOUR PATH... so you safely shoot the mine from 700 miles away, then very very slowly continue until another mine appears and... exists, menacingly. Sometimes you'll have to RICOCHET A SHOT AROUND A CORNER HOLY SHIT, like just kinda shoot a shot, see if that bounces the right way, no it didn't, okay so I'll turn slightly more left, shoot, nope not quite, little more left, yeah that got it... YOOOOOO HOLY FU
FLAPPY BIRD. Literally just Flappy Bird but if it took place in the GRAND CANYON, it's harder to HIT the environments than miss them this is a fucking open world
Tap A. Just tap A a bunch of times, then a few more times... YOU DID IT HOLY FUCK WOOOOOOO
You have to play every minigame like three times. Don't even play them once.
Platform through level designs more basic than actual street geometry. Do that for one minute, then play the shittiest ass minigame you've ever seen. Repeat for 90 MINUTES then- why are the developer's names scrolling on my screen
Drive the slowest tank ever constructed until OH NO, A MINE IS BLOCKING YOUR PATH... so you safely shoot the mine from 700 miles away, then very very slowly continue until another mine appears and... exists, menacingly. Sometimes you'll have to RICOCHET A SHOT AROUND A CORNER HOLY SHIT, like just kinda shoot a shot, see if that bounces the right way, no it didn't, okay so I'll turn slightly more left, shoot, nope not quite, little more left, yeah that got it... YOOOOOO HOLY FU
FLAPPY BIRD. Literally just Flappy Bird but if it took place in the GRAND CANYON, it's harder to HIT the environments than miss them this is a fucking open world
Tap A. Just tap A a bunch of times, then a few more times... YOU DID IT HOLY FUCK WOOOOOOO
You have to play every minigame like three times. Don't even play them once.
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON
The game opens with a recreation of my favourite scene from the film, where Indy DESCENDS FROM HEAVEN ON THE METAL PRONGS OF A CONSTRUCTION SCISSOR LIFT
You then roam brown. Like literally the entire screen is just the colour brown, and sometimes blue. Here's a block, is it meant to be a tree, equippable tool or death pit? Ah, it's a gun. This block right next to it is a death pit however.
When you shoot the gun, some bullets come out. When you use your whip, some bullets come out... you fucking what mate. You couldn't just have a line as the whip? Why is the whip bullets? I know the game's capable of lines, EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE GAME IS ONE
A new room, let's look around to- ah, touching this wall kills you, none of the other walls up to this point have but this one does. Oh and touching this wall kills you too, so just don't touch any of the walls in this room, got it...
You'll never imagine how you progress in this room. You'll never imagine what you have to touch in this room. YOU'LL NEVER IMAGINE YOU HAVE TO WALK INTO ONE OF THE WALLS IN THIS ROOM, ONE OF THE WALLS THAT LOOKS IDENTICAL TO ALL THE OTHER WALLS, ALL THE OTHER WALLS THAT INSTAKILL YOU IF YOU TOUCH THEM JUST WALK INTO THIS SPECIFIC WALL TO ADVANCE WE WON'T INDICATE WHICH ONE THOUGH WHY'D YOU WALK INTO ONE OF THE OTHER ONES GET SENT ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE START OF THE GAME MAKE IT ALL THE WAY BACK OOPS WRONG WALL AGAIN YOU DENSE MOTHERFUCKER BACK TO THE START CONSTRUCTION SCISSOR LIFT TIME WEEEEEE FUCK YOU
The game opens with a recreation of my favourite scene from the film, where Indy DESCENDS FROM HEAVEN ON THE METAL PRONGS OF A CONSTRUCTION SCISSOR LIFT
You then roam brown. Like literally the entire screen is just the colour brown, and sometimes blue. Here's a block, is it meant to be a tree, equippable tool or death pit? Ah, it's a gun. This block right next to it is a death pit however.
When you shoot the gun, some bullets come out. When you use your whip, some bullets come out... you fucking what mate. You couldn't just have a line as the whip? Why is the whip bullets? I know the game's capable of lines, EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE GAME IS ONE
A new room, let's look around to- ah, touching this wall kills you, none of the other walls up to this point have but this one does. Oh and touching this wall kills you too, so just don't touch any of the walls in this room, got it...
You'll never imagine how you progress in this room. You'll never imagine what you have to touch in this room. YOU'LL NEVER IMAGINE YOU HAVE TO WALK INTO ONE OF THE WALLS IN THIS ROOM, ONE OF THE WALLS THAT LOOKS IDENTICAL TO ALL THE OTHER WALLS, ALL THE OTHER WALLS THAT INSTAKILL YOU IF YOU TOUCH THEM JUST WALK INTO THIS SPECIFIC WALL TO ADVANCE WE WON'T INDICATE WHICH ONE THOUGH WHY'D YOU WALK INTO ONE OF THE OTHER ONES GET SENT ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE START OF THE GAME MAKE IT ALL THE WAY BACK OOPS WRONG WALL AGAIN YOU DENSE MOTHERFUCKER BACK TO THE START CONSTRUCTION SCISSOR LIFT TIME WEEEEEE FUCK YOU
WHERE'S THE REST OF THE GAME
In Stick of Truth and Fractured Asshole, you're hurled from grand setpiece to grand setpiece. GIANT NAZI ZOMBIE FETUSES. TRAVELING THROUGH TIME WITH THE POWER OF FARTS. SHRINKING DOWN TO BATTLE UNDER YOUR PARENTS AS THEY FUCK. Fuck YES.
In Snow Day, you begin in a grassy field covered in snow. Then, you travel to a grassy field covered in snow. BEFORE GOING TO WAR WITH KYLE, STANDING OFF IN A GRAND BATTLE FOR THE AGES IN a grassy field covered in snow. Ehhh maybe I'm not being fair. A TRAIN. I SAW A TRAIN AT ONE POINT. It didn't do anything but THERE WAS LIKE HALF OF A TRAIN KINDA STICKING OUT OF THE GRASS AND SNOW LET'S FUCKING GO WOOOOOOO
What's square, the attack button and square all over? SQUARE, THE ATTACK BUTTON, THAT YOU'LL BE EXCLUSIVELY PRESSING EVERY GODDAMN BATTLE. I accidentally pressed L2 at one point, triggering my ranged weapon. It did barely any damage. I went back to mashing square.
EVEN THE CUSTOMISATION. Do I want a hoodie with no colour whatsoever, or a hoodie with colour... WITH THE WORD “SNOWBOARD” ON IN THE BIGGEST FONT THEY COULD FIND. Now I gotta pretend to be passionate about snowboarding everywhere I go. I've never even snowboarded. I HAVEN'T EVEN TOUCHED SNOW SINCE 2017. Well I have now, IT'S ALL THIS GAME HAS.
And while shopping, THE CHARACTERS. DO NOT. SHUT THE FUCK UP. Despite you only being in the shop for 20 seconds because there's five t-shirts to browse, you WILL hear Tweek and Craig say the same joke three times consecutively.
BUT THEN THE CHARACTERS GOT NOTHING WHEN YOU ACTUALLY WANT JOKES FROM THEM. There you are, slogging through the grassiest, snowiest field you've ever seen, in DEAD SILENCE like the past 20 minutes, and OH SHIT! CARTMAN'S ABOUT TO SAY SOMETHING. YOU'RE ABOUT TO FEEL SOMETHING FOR THE FIRST TIME IN AN HOUR. “Remember you can press R1 to put down a healing totem”...
This game is the most early 2000s licensed PS2 game of all time. It's not as bad as you've probably heard, it's perfectly FINE… but just watch the cutscenes on YouTube dude.
In Stick of Truth and Fractured Asshole, you're hurled from grand setpiece to grand setpiece. GIANT NAZI ZOMBIE FETUSES. TRAVELING THROUGH TIME WITH THE POWER OF FARTS. SHRINKING DOWN TO BATTLE UNDER YOUR PARENTS AS THEY FUCK. Fuck YES.
In Snow Day, you begin in a grassy field covered in snow. Then, you travel to a grassy field covered in snow. BEFORE GOING TO WAR WITH KYLE, STANDING OFF IN A GRAND BATTLE FOR THE AGES IN a grassy field covered in snow. Ehhh maybe I'm not being fair. A TRAIN. I SAW A TRAIN AT ONE POINT. It didn't do anything but THERE WAS LIKE HALF OF A TRAIN KINDA STICKING OUT OF THE GRASS AND SNOW LET'S FUCKING GO WOOOOOOO
What's square, the attack button and square all over? SQUARE, THE ATTACK BUTTON, THAT YOU'LL BE EXCLUSIVELY PRESSING EVERY GODDAMN BATTLE. I accidentally pressed L2 at one point, triggering my ranged weapon. It did barely any damage. I went back to mashing square.
EVEN THE CUSTOMISATION. Do I want a hoodie with no colour whatsoever, or a hoodie with colour... WITH THE WORD “SNOWBOARD” ON IN THE BIGGEST FONT THEY COULD FIND. Now I gotta pretend to be passionate about snowboarding everywhere I go. I've never even snowboarded. I HAVEN'T EVEN TOUCHED SNOW SINCE 2017. Well I have now, IT'S ALL THIS GAME HAS.
And while shopping, THE CHARACTERS. DO NOT. SHUT THE FUCK UP. Despite you only being in the shop for 20 seconds because there's five t-shirts to browse, you WILL hear Tweek and Craig say the same joke three times consecutively.
BUT THEN THE CHARACTERS GOT NOTHING WHEN YOU ACTUALLY WANT JOKES FROM THEM. There you are, slogging through the grassiest, snowiest field you've ever seen, in DEAD SILENCE like the past 20 minutes, and OH SHIT! CARTMAN'S ABOUT TO SAY SOMETHING. YOU'RE ABOUT TO FEEL SOMETHING FOR THE FIRST TIME IN AN HOUR. “Remember you can press R1 to put down a healing totem”...
This game is the most early 2000s licensed PS2 game of all time. It's not as bad as you've probably heard, it's perfectly FINE… but just watch the cutscenes on YouTube dude.
2007
WHAT DID THEY DO TO TINY TIGER, THEY 240P YOUTUBE CHIPMUNK REMIXED HIS VOICE
THE GAME'S SO REPETITIVE DUDE. Run through the most barren wastelands in gaming history, if you're lucky you'll stumble upon a rock in the middle of your path that serves no gameplay purpose. EVERYTHING is brown or grey, I saw a slope with grass on at one point and ejaculated. AND PAINTINGS. ONE OF THE LEVELS HAS PAINTINGS ON THE WALL. They're low poly and the lighting's dark so they're not very pronounced but PAINTINGS FUCK YES
The gameplay is so DULL. Run into an empty room, spam square. Then run into an empty room, spam square... alright then run into an empty room, spam squ
THE TITANS, YOU CAN CONTROL GIANT SUPER POWERED MONSTERS HOLY SHIT HERE WE GO... to run into an empty room, spam squa- FUCK. AND IT'S SOMEHOW EVEN MORE BORING THAN CRASH'S GAMEPLAY. The Titans' are so sluggish, I don't think you can actually call it "spamming" square THE ANIMATIONS TAKE SO LONG TO FINISH.
PLATFORMING. I JUST STUMBLED UPON A PLATFORMING SEGMENT, FINALLY YES. Okay so first you jump on the biggest, widest platform in the history of architecture. Don't worry if you defy all odds and find a way to miss it, here's a glide button too. Alright so from that platform you wanna jump to this other gigantic, 500 mile wide platform... YOU DID IT, THAT'S THE ENTIRE PLATFORMING SEGMENT LET'S FUCKING GOOOOOOOO
The coin sound effect is re-used from The Simpsons: Hit & Run, constantly reminding me I could be playing a much better game right now
THE GAME'S SO REPETITIVE DUDE. Run through the most barren wastelands in gaming history, if you're lucky you'll stumble upon a rock in the middle of your path that serves no gameplay purpose. EVERYTHING is brown or grey, I saw a slope with grass on at one point and ejaculated. AND PAINTINGS. ONE OF THE LEVELS HAS PAINTINGS ON THE WALL. They're low poly and the lighting's dark so they're not very pronounced but PAINTINGS FUCK YES
The gameplay is so DULL. Run into an empty room, spam square. Then run into an empty room, spam square... alright then run into an empty room, spam squ
THE TITANS, YOU CAN CONTROL GIANT SUPER POWERED MONSTERS HOLY SHIT HERE WE GO... to run into an empty room, spam squa- FUCK. AND IT'S SOMEHOW EVEN MORE BORING THAN CRASH'S GAMEPLAY. The Titans' are so sluggish, I don't think you can actually call it "spamming" square THE ANIMATIONS TAKE SO LONG TO FINISH.
PLATFORMING. I JUST STUMBLED UPON A PLATFORMING SEGMENT, FINALLY YES. Okay so first you jump on the biggest, widest platform in the history of architecture. Don't worry if you defy all odds and find a way to miss it, here's a glide button too. Alright so from that platform you wanna jump to this other gigantic, 500 mile wide platform... YOU DID IT, THAT'S THE ENTIRE PLATFORMING SEGMENT LET'S FUCKING GOOOOOOOO
The coin sound effect is re-used from The Simpsons: Hit & Run, constantly reminding me I could be playing a much better game right now
2003
The sharpest quality nosedive since Tumblr got rid of porn WHAT HAPPENED
Level 1, FIRE. Explore an incredible rendition of the Planet Express building, with every inch turning character quirks and in-jokes into some hilarious platforming sequence. Scruffy's too busy looking at pictures of titties to tend to his janitorial work, so platform over rusty crates through a flooded basement. Farnsworth hasn't had an inspector check the premises for leaks and damage since before Fry was frozen, so jump around bursting vents and pipes. Bender's taking a shit. It has nothing to do with anything he's just there pissing and shitting. This is GOLD, there's nothing that could stop this incredible experience, NOTHING that could derail the epic momentum this first level BAM SEWERS.
There's an enemy running straight towards you, SO HOW ABOUT THE AIMING LOCK-ON JUST SPINS YOU 180 DEGRESS TO TARGET A RANDOM CRATE YOU PASSED FIVE MINUTES AGO. If you overcome the odds and target an actual enemy, YOU MAY AS WELL HAVE JUST TARGETED THE CRATE I'VE SHOT HIM 50 TIMES WHY'S HE STILL GNAWING MY ARM. Numerous platforming challenges over insta-death pools of insta-death, DO IT ALL WITH THE HEAVIEST JUMP GRAVITY ALLOWS WITH CONTROLS THAT ARE SOMEHOW ALSO SUPER LOOSE AND IMPRECISE, SO YOU JUMP HALF A CENTIMETER BUT THEN TURN MID-AIR FASTER THAN THE AIMING LOCK-ON WHEN YOU TRY TO TARGET AN ENEMY RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.
ALL WITH CHECKPOINTS SO FAR BACK NOT EVEN THE TARGETING SYSTEM CAN LOCK-ON TO THEM, SO YOU'LL REPLAY THESE SEGMENTS MORE TIMES THAN YOU'LL PRESS THE TARGET BUTTON TRYING TO LOCK-ON TO AN ENEMY WHY'S THE TARGETING SYSTEM SO SHIT FOR FUCK'S SAKE
There's an official cutscene compilation I'd recommend watching instead, but it's only available as an extra on the DVD of the second worst Futurama movie, so yeah just don't experience this game in any form
Level 1, FIRE. Explore an incredible rendition of the Planet Express building, with every inch turning character quirks and in-jokes into some hilarious platforming sequence. Scruffy's too busy looking at pictures of titties to tend to his janitorial work, so platform over rusty crates through a flooded basement. Farnsworth hasn't had an inspector check the premises for leaks and damage since before Fry was frozen, so jump around bursting vents and pipes. Bender's taking a shit. It has nothing to do with anything he's just there pissing and shitting. This is GOLD, there's nothing that could stop this incredible experience, NOTHING that could derail the epic momentum this first level BAM SEWERS.
There's an enemy running straight towards you, SO HOW ABOUT THE AIMING LOCK-ON JUST SPINS YOU 180 DEGRESS TO TARGET A RANDOM CRATE YOU PASSED FIVE MINUTES AGO. If you overcome the odds and target an actual enemy, YOU MAY AS WELL HAVE JUST TARGETED THE CRATE I'VE SHOT HIM 50 TIMES WHY'S HE STILL GNAWING MY ARM. Numerous platforming challenges over insta-death pools of insta-death, DO IT ALL WITH THE HEAVIEST JUMP GRAVITY ALLOWS WITH CONTROLS THAT ARE SOMEHOW ALSO SUPER LOOSE AND IMPRECISE, SO YOU JUMP HALF A CENTIMETER BUT THEN TURN MID-AIR FASTER THAN THE AIMING LOCK-ON WHEN YOU TRY TO TARGET AN ENEMY RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.
ALL WITH CHECKPOINTS SO FAR BACK NOT EVEN THE TARGETING SYSTEM CAN LOCK-ON TO THEM, SO YOU'LL REPLAY THESE SEGMENTS MORE TIMES THAN YOU'LL PRESS THE TARGET BUTTON TRYING TO LOCK-ON TO AN ENEMY WHY'S THE TARGETING SYSTEM SO SHIT FOR FUCK'S SAKE
There's an official cutscene compilation I'd recommend watching instead, but it's only available as an extra on the DVD of the second worst Futurama movie, so yeah just don't experience this game in any form
Ayo FUCK Brian Griffin in particular EAT CHOCOLATE YOU FUCKING CUNT PIECE OF SH
The WORST stealth mechanics in creation history. Hiding behind a desk? THE GAME DISAGREES. This prison inmate that's on the run from the police? STAND NEAR HIM AND HE YELLS TO THE POLICE WHERE YOU ARE, YOU'RE FUCKING YOURSELF MORE THAN ME IN THIS SITUATION WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING. Stand near a random metal object? A METER FILLS UP FORCING BRIAN TO GIVE IN TO HIS URGES AND PISS ON IT, BLOWING YOUR COVER. THERE'S LIKE 12 EPISODES WHERE WE SEE HIM ON 17 HOUR TRANS-CONTINENTAL AIRPLANE FLIGHTS, YOU TELLING ME HE WAS PISSING AND SHITTING THE WHOLE TIME WHAT IS THIS MECHANIC GET FUCKED
The Peter levels, dumptruck ASS also. Spam square. Spam square. Spam squ- UH OH, THIS ENEMY'S IMMUNE TO THIS ATTACK... so now just SPAM CIRCLE instead. Spam circle. Spam circle. Spam cir- SPLOOPS IMMUNE TO THIS ATTACK NOW... so just go back to SPAM SQUARE. THIS ISN'T DEPTH FAM IT'S STILL JUST SPAMMING BUTTONS EXCEPT NOW IT TAKES EVEN LONGER, I'M BORED AS FUCK
The Stewie sections are easily the best, which is to say they're still DOG SHIT. JUMP OVER THE SMALLEST PLATFORMS ATOMICALLY POSSIBLE WITH CONTROLS LOOSER THAN ME ON AN AVERAGE SATURDAY, BRIAN HAS MORE CONTROL OVER HIS SHITTY PISS THAN THIS. So you've fallen off the platform, meaning you'll die and respawn, right? HOW ABOUT YOU FALL SEVEN FLOORS DOWN INSTEAD, MEANING YOU HAVE TO REDO THE LAST TWO MINUTES OF GAMEPLAY EAT SHIT
AND THEN THERE'S SECTIONS WHERE YOU UNCONTROLLABLY SLIDE THROUGH POOLS AND DOWN RAMPS, IS THIS A FUCKING JOKE. I noticed the tip of the bone of your elbow vaguely grazed the wall there, GET BOUNCED 500 MILES INTO A LANDMINE YEEEAAAHHH.
But don't worry because here's a segment where a laser grid blocks your path and the only way to turn it off is to bounce a bullet off the wall in such a specific way that it ricochets off multiple consecutive objects gotta be the correct angle though or it won't work to aim you have to stand perfectly still but OOPS here's 15 enemies shooting at you so you gotta keep moving so using the direct aim isn't viable but OOPS-ER aiming without standing still is somehow looser than the platforming so good luck spamming shots while avoiding shots while constantly moving the bullets are bouncing but not the way we wanted NOW YOU'RE RUNNING OUT OF AMMO AND HEALTH AND PATIENCE AND WILL TO LIVE YAAAY YOU DID IT HERE'S 36 MORE ENEMIES SPAM SQUARE
QUICK TIME EVENTS AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH
The invisible walls are mimes, that's pretty good lol
The WORST stealth mechanics in creation history. Hiding behind a desk? THE GAME DISAGREES. This prison inmate that's on the run from the police? STAND NEAR HIM AND HE YELLS TO THE POLICE WHERE YOU ARE, YOU'RE FUCKING YOURSELF MORE THAN ME IN THIS SITUATION WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING. Stand near a random metal object? A METER FILLS UP FORCING BRIAN TO GIVE IN TO HIS URGES AND PISS ON IT, BLOWING YOUR COVER. THERE'S LIKE 12 EPISODES WHERE WE SEE HIM ON 17 HOUR TRANS-CONTINENTAL AIRPLANE FLIGHTS, YOU TELLING ME HE WAS PISSING AND SHITTING THE WHOLE TIME WHAT IS THIS MECHANIC GET FUCKED
The Peter levels, dumptruck ASS also. Spam square. Spam square. Spam squ- UH OH, THIS ENEMY'S IMMUNE TO THIS ATTACK... so now just SPAM CIRCLE instead. Spam circle. Spam circle. Spam cir- SPLOOPS IMMUNE TO THIS ATTACK NOW... so just go back to SPAM SQUARE. THIS ISN'T DEPTH FAM IT'S STILL JUST SPAMMING BUTTONS EXCEPT NOW IT TAKES EVEN LONGER, I'M BORED AS FUCK
The Stewie sections are easily the best, which is to say they're still DOG SHIT. JUMP OVER THE SMALLEST PLATFORMS ATOMICALLY POSSIBLE WITH CONTROLS LOOSER THAN ME ON AN AVERAGE SATURDAY, BRIAN HAS MORE CONTROL OVER HIS SHITTY PISS THAN THIS. So you've fallen off the platform, meaning you'll die and respawn, right? HOW ABOUT YOU FALL SEVEN FLOORS DOWN INSTEAD, MEANING YOU HAVE TO REDO THE LAST TWO MINUTES OF GAMEPLAY EAT SHIT
AND THEN THERE'S SECTIONS WHERE YOU UNCONTROLLABLY SLIDE THROUGH POOLS AND DOWN RAMPS, IS THIS A FUCKING JOKE. I noticed the tip of the bone of your elbow vaguely grazed the wall there, GET BOUNCED 500 MILES INTO A LANDMINE YEEEAAAHHH.
But don't worry because here's a segment where a laser grid blocks your path and the only way to turn it off is to bounce a bullet off the wall in such a specific way that it ricochets off multiple consecutive objects gotta be the correct angle though or it won't work to aim you have to stand perfectly still but OOPS here's 15 enemies shooting at you so you gotta keep moving so using the direct aim isn't viable but OOPS-ER aiming without standing still is somehow looser than the platforming so good luck spamming shots while avoiding shots while constantly moving the bullets are bouncing but not the way we wanted NOW YOU'RE RUNNING OUT OF AMMO AND HEALTH AND PATIENCE AND WILL TO LIVE YAAAY YOU DID IT HERE'S 36 MORE ENEMIES SPAM SQUARE
QUICK TIME EVENTS AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH
The invisible walls are mimes, that's pretty good lol
I'm CONVINCED the writers have never seen a black person before, EVERY line of dialogue vaguely pertaining to Jerome is like "ayo, you ever notice Jerome is black?" "I was watching a documentary recently about Africa... Africa, AFRICAN AMERICAN, LIKE JEROME". "What's Jerome, black and Jerome all over? JEROME, THE BLACK GUY"
There's a "joke" where Bonnie laments "I hope no one notices the hard booger in my nostrils". A real person read that and enjoyed it so much they gave real money to another real person for writing it. I miss the black jokes
WHERE'S THE GAME. Tap this jpeg of a house, okay now wait twelve hours IN REAL LIFE... alright now tap THIS jpeg of a house, wait sixteen hou-
A menu simulator designed to dopamine trick your brain into paying 99 dollars for jpegs of badly drawn infrastructure. Wipe your hard booger filled nostrils with that 99 dollars then hug the nearest black guy instead, absolute wank
There's a "joke" where Bonnie laments "I hope no one notices the hard booger in my nostrils". A real person read that and enjoyed it so much they gave real money to another real person for writing it. I miss the black jokes
WHERE'S THE GAME. Tap this jpeg of a house, okay now wait twelve hours IN REAL LIFE... alright now tap THIS jpeg of a house, wait sixteen hou-
A menu simulator designed to dopamine trick your brain into paying 99 dollars for jpegs of badly drawn infrastructure. Wipe your hard booger filled nostrils with that 99 dollars then hug the nearest black guy instead, absolute wank
All the pieces are here for a genuinely solid game, HOW DID YOU FUCK IT UP SO BAD
The core gameplay feels great. Snappy controls, modes like the relics are fast paced gauntlets that reward quick reflexes and measured platforming, there's little nuances to learn like body slamming to get two crates at once that add vague elements of depth... IF ONLY I COULD PLAY IT.
To play the next level, you need to build THIS item which takes eight hours IN REAL LIFE. But to do that you need to build THIS item which takes TWO DAYS. But to build THAT you need to first build THESE items.
One of the items can only be built by collecting 500 of THIS item, only obtainable by grinding the resource collection levels, extremely mundane levels where you run really slowly through the safest areas on documented Earth. Do that for 15 minutes but UH OH the resources RAN OUT, come back tomorrow. Of course... you could also pay 99 DOLLARS. You won't be able to pay your electric bill that month but you will have 200 BERRIES, THAT'S LIKE TWO WHOLE LEVELS YOU'LL BE ABLE TO PLAY NOW LET'S FUCKING GOOOOOO
Luckily, the other item is much easier to obtain. To get it you just have to GO FUCK YOURSELF
EVEN THE STEPS YOU TAKE ARE CURRENCY, IF YOU SPEND THEM YOU GOTTA RUN AROUND IN A LEVEL FOR A WHILE TO GET MORE STEPS TO SPEND. THAT'S THE PREMISE OF A DYSTOPIAN SCI-FI NOVELLA FROM 1981, FUCK THIS GAME
The core gameplay feels great. Snappy controls, modes like the relics are fast paced gauntlets that reward quick reflexes and measured platforming, there's little nuances to learn like body slamming to get two crates at once that add vague elements of depth... IF ONLY I COULD PLAY IT.
To play the next level, you need to build THIS item which takes eight hours IN REAL LIFE. But to do that you need to build THIS item which takes TWO DAYS. But to build THAT you need to first build THESE items.
One of the items can only be built by collecting 500 of THIS item, only obtainable by grinding the resource collection levels, extremely mundane levels where you run really slowly through the safest areas on documented Earth. Do that for 15 minutes but UH OH the resources RAN OUT, come back tomorrow. Of course... you could also pay 99 DOLLARS. You won't be able to pay your electric bill that month but you will have 200 BERRIES, THAT'S LIKE TWO WHOLE LEVELS YOU'LL BE ABLE TO PLAY NOW LET'S FUCKING GOOOOOO
Luckily, the other item is much easier to obtain. To get it you just have to GO FUCK YOURSELF
EVEN THE STEPS YOU TAKE ARE CURRENCY, IF YOU SPEND THEM YOU GOTTA RUN AROUND IN A LEVEL FOR A WHILE TO GET MORE STEPS TO SPEND. THAT'S THE PREMISE OF A DYSTOPIAN SCI-FI NOVELLA FROM 1981, FUCK THIS GAME