This review contains spoilers
Problematic fav. Not that like, it's super problematic or anything, I mean there's certainly some problematic ELEMENTS, but really it's more in the sense that I keep staring at it and go "problematic fav :)".
Breaking that down is a little difficult. Especially now. I want to warn that there is some heavy shit I'm about to divulge, talks of suicidal thought, attempted suicide, incredibly personal stories being dropped in topic on a game that, in all honestly, doesn't super deserve that kind of baggage. It's inextricably tied, in the sense that I think about this game a lot, too addicted to the point that I use it as comfort gruel in awful times, and that as of today, during one of the most important moments that's fucking me up right now, I am hyperfixated on it once again.
It's kind of a beautiful mess. Yoshi-P just decided "fuck it we're squeezing three expansions into one" and they actually went for it (and it is core to how fucked up this all is). So much of it is a little too underdeveloped even if it, quite well, ties back to the thesis. It also retroactively works against Shadowbringers, demystifying some of its best components and outright throwing itself at a fanservice pile to redeem a past version of a really clearly unforgivable villain. It kills the potential of some of its most teased characters that could've struggled with such a clearly "fascism eats itself" state and try to find a sense of what to do next in that discovery and what that meant for them, but they're all sidelined!!!
But also, its story is too poignant for me to discard. Extremely so. From its decrepit sunset to the sunrise at the end it's an uplifting, championing vibe. In particular I think a lot about that final dungeon, how it's so fucked up and depressing that it really tries to tear you down, as much as it can through its medium. All in service to building up to that great moment, that pushback against an intense hopelessness that's always seeping out the ends of everywhere we look. I admire, as awful a tightrope as it is to walk, its attempts at dealing with depression. This is the point that's kind of unarguably problematic about it at the same time though, not so much in terms of the main story, but really the job quests. It's such a gross mishandling, you fight the monstrosity of someone who's succumbed while (most of) the city states do nothing to even address their problems. Just remember, understand what happened, and move on. Nothing to fight against what caused the dead. That part was kind of painful for me really, like that's a bit callous, that's not honorable, that's heartless even.
It's only today that it screams a bit more sympathetic. A very close friend of mine, who hasn't really ever expressed interest in my game talks much at this level, has attempted to commit suicide. Maybe even still, I don't know. They're all the way across the country and I don't have anymore prior contacts to hunt down or a number to call (it has already been called). I've been ghosted for the past 24 hours and all I know at this very very moment is that they did, and might still be trying to. Yesterday I dealt with that by crying with my SO and being stuck in bed staring at the ceiling praying until I went to sleep, which wasn't even good sleep. I spent today planning on a hopeful future where I pray they just show up the next morning and hoping that, this last attempt I can DO something about it or else ALL I can do, without strictly blaming myself, is just steel myself to not let that pain bring me down in a fucked up psychiatrically way and just keep his memory.
Close in the Distance is a song near the end that plays while your friends, while temporary, are completely gone but you have to hold steadfast that they're right here with you. Sometimes, unfortunately or not, worlds will meet their end, and people, close people you wish you could fucking save right now, wish they could hear your voice or you could hear theirs, can't and have already fallen. Whispers, now a memory, promises broken, an endless array of tears. Those quests still aren't right, I'm actually really angry with them still right now, but I feel weak. I feel almost like giving up, that maybe at some point I have to let go so I don't have it completely ruin me. If they come back tomorrow, and my last ditch effort to set them down and tell them everything, my one last barely-qualifies-as-a-gambit to get them on a path to live and improve, if they said no it'd ruin me. If they don't come back tomorrow, or ever again, that would also ruin me. I tie myself here, writing this, in an act of coping with that, maybe. I don't know, last time I felt fucked up like this I chose Persona 3. I'll probably still replay that too.
But for now I'm going to sit at a screen playing endwalker music on an endless cycle, crying probably, feeling better hopefully. This work has that sort of pathos effect on me. I often run to art to distract me now and help me fix problems later and here I am again hedging myself on that and blasting this awful stream of words out into others' void.
If you made it this far, thanks. Comments are off for you, but I appreciate you getting this far and reading me ramble on this site I've chosen to be my venting ground for a long time now. If the friend in question has found this, and you're still alive. Fuck you for leaving me like this, Fuck you for refusing to let yourself be confronted, Fuck You for dismissing mine and others' faith in you, Fuck you for being a real shitty friend absently from this and trying to break me down and push everyone else you know away. But also please keep fighting. Please. It is never too late, hope is never lost. And I want to be here for you. I don't want to leave you out there in the wind and the cold and you don't deserve that.
Breaking that down is a little difficult. Especially now. I want to warn that there is some heavy shit I'm about to divulge, talks of suicidal thought, attempted suicide, incredibly personal stories being dropped in topic on a game that, in all honestly, doesn't super deserve that kind of baggage. It's inextricably tied, in the sense that I think about this game a lot, too addicted to the point that I use it as comfort gruel in awful times, and that as of today, during one of the most important moments that's fucking me up right now, I am hyperfixated on it once again.
It's kind of a beautiful mess. Yoshi-P just decided "fuck it we're squeezing three expansions into one" and they actually went for it (and it is core to how fucked up this all is). So much of it is a little too underdeveloped even if it, quite well, ties back to the thesis. It also retroactively works against Shadowbringers, demystifying some of its best components and outright throwing itself at a fanservice pile to redeem a past version of a really clearly unforgivable villain. It kills the potential of some of its most teased characters that could've struggled with such a clearly "fascism eats itself" state and try to find a sense of what to do next in that discovery and what that meant for them, but they're all sidelined!!!
But also, its story is too poignant for me to discard. Extremely so. From its decrepit sunset to the sunrise at the end it's an uplifting, championing vibe. In particular I think a lot about that final dungeon, how it's so fucked up and depressing that it really tries to tear you down, as much as it can through its medium. All in service to building up to that great moment, that pushback against an intense hopelessness that's always seeping out the ends of everywhere we look. I admire, as awful a tightrope as it is to walk, its attempts at dealing with depression. This is the point that's kind of unarguably problematic about it at the same time though, not so much in terms of the main story, but really the job quests. It's such a gross mishandling, you fight the monstrosity of someone who's succumbed while (most of) the city states do nothing to even address their problems. Just remember, understand what happened, and move on. Nothing to fight against what caused the dead. That part was kind of painful for me really, like that's a bit callous, that's not honorable, that's heartless even.
It's only today that it screams a bit more sympathetic. A very close friend of mine, who hasn't really ever expressed interest in my game talks much at this level, has attempted to commit suicide. Maybe even still, I don't know. They're all the way across the country and I don't have anymore prior contacts to hunt down or a number to call (it has already been called). I've been ghosted for the past 24 hours and all I know at this very very moment is that they did, and might still be trying to. Yesterday I dealt with that by crying with my SO and being stuck in bed staring at the ceiling praying until I went to sleep, which wasn't even good sleep. I spent today planning on a hopeful future where I pray they just show up the next morning and hoping that, this last attempt I can DO something about it or else ALL I can do, without strictly blaming myself, is just steel myself to not let that pain bring me down in a fucked up psychiatrically way and just keep his memory.
Close in the Distance is a song near the end that plays while your friends, while temporary, are completely gone but you have to hold steadfast that they're right here with you. Sometimes, unfortunately or not, worlds will meet their end, and people, close people you wish you could fucking save right now, wish they could hear your voice or you could hear theirs, can't and have already fallen. Whispers, now a memory, promises broken, an endless array of tears. Those quests still aren't right, I'm actually really angry with them still right now, but I feel weak. I feel almost like giving up, that maybe at some point I have to let go so I don't have it completely ruin me. If they come back tomorrow, and my last ditch effort to set them down and tell them everything, my one last barely-qualifies-as-a-gambit to get them on a path to live and improve, if they said no it'd ruin me. If they don't come back tomorrow, or ever again, that would also ruin me. I tie myself here, writing this, in an act of coping with that, maybe. I don't know, last time I felt fucked up like this I chose Persona 3. I'll probably still replay that too.
But for now I'm going to sit at a screen playing endwalker music on an endless cycle, crying probably, feeling better hopefully. This work has that sort of pathos effect on me. I often run to art to distract me now and help me fix problems later and here I am again hedging myself on that and blasting this awful stream of words out into others' void.
If you made it this far, thanks. Comments are off for you, but I appreciate you getting this far and reading me ramble on this site I've chosen to be my venting ground for a long time now. If the friend in question has found this, and you're still alive. Fuck you for leaving me like this, Fuck you for refusing to let yourself be confronted, Fuck You for dismissing mine and others' faith in you, Fuck you for being a real shitty friend absently from this and trying to break me down and push everyone else you know away. But also please keep fighting. Please. It is never too late, hope is never lost. And I want to be here for you. I don't want to leave you out there in the wind and the cold and you don't deserve that.