its the mid 2000s. i have a gamecube but no games outside of whatever the hell my family decides to get for me. i have only one trick up my sleeve - giant eagle's iggle video rental - blockbuster for when my parents would go grocery shopping. circumstances were dire.

i wanted to play this again for nostalgia of course but i remember just having this feeling about those spongebob games. they were just so fun! i made it 30 minutes into this one as an adult and realized that i never got past the second level as a kid. after that, why play more?

the only thing this game has going for it is that the some of the challenge level music is almost good. i'll always have lights, camera, pants & battle for bikini bottom in my heart! and perhaps that's where I'll leave them.

Ah, ah, ah! It's me, Dracula! And I'm here to review the latest hit spooooooky videogame, Super Castlevania IV! Just in time for the halloween season! Ah ah ah!

Explore over NINE levels! Defeat the most fearsome ghouls known to man! Face face to fang with me, Count Dracula himself! Ah ah ah!

I even wrote some haikus for those who dare read them:

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Castlevania IV/
Super castlevania IV,
Opens a new door (not to mention the score)

Some attacks are new.
Like using whip directions,
So striking's lark. Woo!

Creativity
Is the name of this game like:
Monoliths sky-high,

Some rotating rooms,
Giants made out of big blocks,
And following tombs,

Though falling through stairs,
From taking knock back damage
Might pull out your hairs.

But please, do not fret,
For it's the satisfaction
Of winning a set

That brings the real fame
Out of this magnum opus
Of a classic game.

It's now born anew.
And if you really loathe it,
Then whine/Skill issue.

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I know, peak poetry right?

Can YOU stop me and my minions from taking over earth forever with my iron fist? Enter Castlevania, if you dare! Ah ah... ah.....

-Count Dracula

P.S. Konami really should have just named this "Super Castlevania" instead of "Super Castlevania IV" It's not like this is the fourth game in the "Super Castleclvania" series, and it isn't a direct sequel to Castlevania 3 either, It's a remake/re-imagining of the original Castlevania (🤓🤓🤓🤓) I dare you to put me, Count Dracula, in charge, Konami! I'll even hire Kojima back!

a deeply upsetting experience. perfectly captures the feeling of bitter nostalgia - reminiscing over awful times. there are stories in this that are so beautiful it's absolutely insane.

could easily see this in 5 stars but i'm not sure how i feel about the way this game treats death. the core message feels like it's about accepting death, but it falls into a kinda common trope i see where the deaths are pointless and preventable. this isn't a huge fault but it does make me like the game a bit less. high recommendation though.