If you’ve ever gone to a bookstore and picked out the novella with the prettiest cover, congratulations! You’ve likely had the same experience as playing this convoluted ass DDLC-aper/Zelda-grubber masquerading as a good time. Eastward is the gaming equivalent of that time Buddy tops his Pop-tart, M&M, and marshmallow pasta with maple syrup in Elf. Legit, I’ve listened to schizophrenic homeless men get their point across better than this, and that’s shout outs to Earl. Even my geriatric grandmother has enough sense to not waste my time with this much fuckshit before handing me some red, cash-filled envelopes.

Hyperbole aside, Eastward is a game that plods along to the rhythm of an admittedly fantastic soundtrack, however encumbered it is by the weight of its influences, its mediocre gameplay, and most of all, its overwrought plot. I’ve read beaucoup summaries on what the fuck is going on with the story in writing this little review, and after reading my fifth wildly divergent fan theory, I can scientifically conclude that no one actually knows. I know it’s hard to cast aside the game’s colorfully beatific art style, but if you care at all about the 20 odd hours you will never get back on this shit, I am begging you to throw cake on the Mona Lisa and run the other way.

Eastward unapologetically employs a maximalist writing style in execution of the tale it seeks to tell, building in a number of restrained, meditative moments to evoke what clearly expressed story beats would in any other. This is a method common to some of the greatest stories ever told in a multitude of mediums: show, don’t tell. But when you put it in a video game like this, you run the risk of leaving little game left to be played if you don’t also build in compelling gameplay. Eastward treats that risk like a 50-foot ramp to skate down in a grocery store cart without any of the fun that suggests. What's more, by centering the story around a child and her mute caretaker, the game takes a considered choice in taking an ignoramus' perspective on the complicated subjects it grapples with, putting players in an awkward place where there are so many questions but no clear answers.

The lion's share of the game is spent caught between droll conversations with an all too expansive cast and mediocre Zelda-styled dungeons. You literally only need to get from point A to point B; there is little to no challenge to any of it, and the lack of creative ideas to bring to the table of a long existing tradition of play dulls the impact of whatever execution intended. Here, playstyle fails to complement story, both existing in vacuums to the detriment of the other. It wasn't until the final two chapters that the game started introducing fresh concepts that provided a genuine challenge, and by then, they had come so late that they came off more like afterthoughts than the complementary elements they should've been.

I actually feel shitty coming down so hard on this one because it is very clearly a child of Earthbound and Mother 3, two games I hold dear to my heart as all time favorites. But if Eastward wants to be taken seriously (and it definitely does), then it's gotta be taken to task for some critical errors in its delivery.