I wanted to fuck the druid so bad when I was like 11. Yeah. I said it. Whatever.

Tight. Tight as hell. Polished like a shiny ass ball of metal or something. It has little content compared to most other roguelikes but guess what? It doesn't need no goshdarn filler. All meat no bone, you know. The songs are all bangers, the characters all have their own twist, the gameplay is the tightest part; its hard and way more tactical than you'd expect. The lore is minimal but really cool. Reminds me of Adventure Time. Shit's tight.

This review contains spoilers

That moment when you take the elevator from Undead Parish to Firelink Shrine felt like coming back home after being gone for years. A strange warm feeling that can only be felt properly playing a videogame. Or in real life I guess but who cares about that. Truly opened my eyes as to what makes games special as a medium. Also uniquely suited to games is the satisfaction of overcoming what once seemed like imposible odds. Its not even a particularly hard boss but when I defeated the dragon in the sewers I knew, deep in my heart, that given enough effort I could defeat anything.
Is it strange that an apocalyptic dark fantasy setting feels me with such hope?
Certified indomitable human spirit moment.

This game has forever changed me.
I would give my LIFE for Kim Kitsuragi. Like my irl LIFE. I would KILL myself for Kim Kitsuragi. In real life.

This review contains spoilers

An intensely captivating, complex plot about a bromance being torn apart by the business interests of the powerful crime leaders who control Kamurochō in the 80's but theres also a toy car racing competition with fully customisable cars and also multiple cameos from real life pornstars who you can talk to in TWO different dating sim minigames, one of wich is contained within another, larger minigame about managing a gentleman's club and also you can win a chicken if you are good enough at bowling and theres 141 food items and you can dance both in combat and out of combat and theres GUNS. All this scored by a fabulous soundtrack that manages to be chaotic yet polished, silly yet serious, funny yet dramatic, reflecting the overall vibe of this deranged work of art. By the way did i mention you play as two characters?

God... I keep becoming enchanted by broken masterpieces like this. I'm refering to that malkavian lady on the cover, of course. Game is whatever.
HA!
Get it? Cause the game's buggy and broken but Jeannette is also broken. Mentally.

What happened Todd? How did you get so lost? THIS is an rpg, Todd. Not the gross processed slop you have been feeding me as of late. GET IT TOGETHER MAN