For me to review MORT THE CHICKEN, it is a major conflict of interest, because Mort and I are brothers. His father says so. His wife believes this. Mort and I are just the best of friends, but when El Pollo calls my father Dad, and I call his Dad "Pops" and we delve into hours of passionate discussion about H.P. Lovecraft, Goya, Steve Ditko action, the games and pussy… We can lose all track of time on planet Earth.

But having attended the World Premiere of MORT THE CHICKEN last night, one inescapable thought crossed my mind during the gameplay. 10 to 1…. I believe Mort eats pussy better than any man alive.

Watch his ‘CLUCK KENT’ sequence in MORT THE CHICKEN. MORT THE CHICKEN is the tongue, mouth, fingers and lips of a lover. The Audience is the clit. Watch your audience. This is where Mort goes down on the audience. It starts with long licks with a nose bump on the joy button slowly. He smiles as he does this… Watching the audience begin to squirm, then he takes the audiences’ clit in his mouth and just licks it like crazy, the audience is ready, on that precipice, then calm. He backs off… long licks again, brings in a finger to massage a bit, licks from the bottom to the top… The audience is cooing… He has them, they want release. He acts like he’s going to give it to you, takes you right to the edge, the audiences’ backs arched, ready to cum…. Backs off pinching the nipples just so, his head bobbing up to say, "You like?" The audience shifts around needing release, he builds again… The pressure at a near boiling point… Each stroke and moment a hypersensitive place… Two fingers to the sweet spot, the audience is there… right there at that point… suddenly he’s relentless taking the audience through a rampage of orgasms… trying to get away, trying to escape… back back back, but he has you, and he’s never going to let you forget this moment, the audience was electric… Frenetically frothing… Mort hears them begging no more, when he decides to stop for a moment, there is that relaxed calm… The audience relaxes… labored breathing… a sated smile, WHEN SUDDENLY THE RELENTLESS BASTARD IS AT IT AGAIN!!!! You begin laughing, trying to push him away, but no… more pleasure, more joy, more fun… You can’t handle it, you start giggling and screaming… And it goes like this for quite some time, till at the end… The credits roll, the theater lights come up… You look at the screen, you realize you want that tongue again… You want that feeling again, and you watch it again and again, because damn he respects the clit!

Ok, maybe I take the metaphor too far… maybe… But I had two girls around me, Patch black and blued my right forearm with slaps and rabbit punches as though Mort was pounding the short hairs, and Saffron (not Vegas’) gripping my shoulder from behind like frickin Spock, leaning up to my ear to say, "You didn’t tell me this was pornography!!!!" To which I grab her hand, sniffed her fingers and said, "MMMm you’re fingers are wet… enjoy!"

Now you might feel all of this is inappropriate behavior on my part, but folks, at the Q&A afterwards, the second question came from a woman on the front row that asked The Chicken "Could you comment on the vaginal influence of the Cubes?"

Mort looked like the wet chinned thigh splitter that he is and said, "You have to understand game developers, they never get any pussy, so they are always creating it!"

ZACTLY!

Now lest you think this video game is merely pornographic, and you seemingly are living in the delusion that that is a bad thing… It is not. Mort likes to pretend this game is just there to make you go, "Whoa," but only a blind man can’t see Mort at work here.

MORT THE CHICKEN is from Goya’s Black period. Look at the palette, the brutal primalness of the Cubes.. The sparing use of color… There is sadness amongst the orgasms in this video game. There is a solemn pathetic nature to the emaciated monsters of the Cubes… A melancholy to the game at its quiet moments. When you see the Cube that Mort’s MORT THE CHICKEN catches… "Like a coyote he’s been gnawing away at his cube arm to get away." There is just a captivating, can’t look away, nature of the dead, the dying and the diseased, and Mort understands that morbidity. You can see it in his video game here.

His mounds of skulls in the basement of the farm are not pure bones, there’s rancid strings of something so icky and nasty that my eyes did not define it. The video game revels in the Grand Guignol of it all, and does it all with a smile.

A smile.

That reminds me. Many people will wonder why The Chicken’s MORT is so much more appealing than the novel that it’s based on, and the reason is The Chicken gets MORT to smile… and for a bit, he takes off his glasses and we see his eyes… He strips away a bit of his cool stoic manliness and lets a bit of that kid in the cookie jar joy of naughtiness out. The result is absolutely captivating.

Ron Perlman… When Ron and Mort get together, there is a magic to the scenes. Go check out CRONOS, watch Ron’s vain nose obsessed bad guy. Watch how utterly delicious those scenes are with Ron. Absolutely magic. Here… Here Ron comes off looking, sounding and being just that badass you love. King Cube is a glorious bastard in this video game. Just a fantastic ass of a man. After the gameplay, Ron took the stage with Mort… He was dressed with a cool black leather jacket and an assault rifle… HATRED. My god folks… Having read Mort’s HATRED script… It is 100% Mort and folks as cool as MORT THE CHICKEN is… MORT THE CHICKEN was a teaser… It was just pussylicking…. HATRED is deep dicking!

The difference between MORT THE CHICKEN and most adaptations that you see is that Mort wasn’t interested in making an adaptation to MORT. He wanted to make a space cube army that you could be afraid of again. Not some guy with a box-shaped torso, but something you would run in mortal fear of. He wanted to create a swallower of eggs… something from the inky black parts of your mind. Something new.

MORT has subtle romance… platonic bonds… machismo posturing… and just an insane amount of ass-kicking. I hope Sam Raimi can top this with SPIDER-MAN the video game, but can Tobey Maguire be more cool than Mort the Chicken? Does that Green Goblin costume allow for the digital actor to perform and improv and connect with his gamer audience the way that Perlman does here… Or the Cubes? Then there is the fact that this is 100% M-rated… unapologetically.

Hope you enjoy Mort’s tongu… I mean MORT THE CHICKEN, you’ll be back for seconds.

"And if you have eggs, always put them in more than one basket. That's a rule of thumb."
"What's a thumb?"
"I don't know."

Video games are an art form. Back in the days of the PS1 generation, there were plenty of incredibly obscure 3D titles, but unfortunately most of them only came out of Japan.
Luckily, Mort The Chicken came out in North America, and it is just that. A charming, yet obscure 3D platforming romp of the likes that I've honestly never experienced before in all of my years of playing video games.

In this 3D platformer from AndNow, their second and final game developed, you play as a TV star chicken named Mort, who is filming one day until his world (inhabited by other chickens) is attacked by an cuboid alien species coming from a well in his barn. Through each level, you must collect all the baby chicks spread throughout and return them to the well, much akin to something like Sonic 3D Blast.

In all honesty, despite some odd design choices, I gotta say I thoroughly enjoyed my time with Mort The Chicken, as it felt like it didn't completely waste my time. It's no masterpiece, but it's not as bad as I thought it would be going into it. Like, sure it's odd to have floating levels but not the ability for Mort to fall off the edge, but it's all made up for the game's bonkers story and overall direction. It plays along with the idea of Mort being a TV star, not only with the hilarious cutscenes involving news reports and other TV stations, but to the point where one of the boss fights literally has you throwing cubes AT your screen to knock them behind you. I almost don't want to spoil certain levels and designs in this game because of how incredibly obscure they are. And best of all, none of the music is repetitive, so you won't get tired of hearing the same thing over and over. Levels have some nice, weird variety to it too.

Mort The Chicken is definitely an experience that I personally look for in PS1 games nowadays. It's hilarious, bananas, and quite unique for its own time, and I think everyone should at least experience it once.
(Hell, someone should remake it in Unreal Engine or something. The IP is open for the taking now, right?)