Reviews from

in the past


Avoid this monstrosity of a game at all costs. This was my “terribad” pick to play as part of a longstanding tradition with friends. Drake exemplifies everything about early 2000’s design that you’d rather pack away and forget ever happened. Clumsy, glitchy, unpolished, and often totally unfair, this is one heckuva bad game.

Full Review: https://neoncloudff.wordpress.com/2020/01/30/now-playing-january-2020-edition/

Like, its a mess, obviously, but I thought it was pretty fun. The only really terrible thing about this game are all the ugly ass UI elements and text-effects.
Years ago I saw an xbox copy at a flea market for $60. I always heard it was one of the worst games ever, so that got me curious. Instead I bought a $5 copy on ebay and played through it with a friend.
The way drake is animated is absolutely wild, and I love how edgy he is.
I like that you don't really have to aim, you kind of just parkour around the levels and try not to die until Drake has killed everyone. Both the story and the game itself are super fast paced and over in a few hours.
I feel like if this was an indie game released today people would enjoy it, so I guess all the hate is contextual.

Legitimately may have been the most painful experience I've ever had with a game in my life.

She said stop smoking...
I stop smoking...
She said stop drinking alcohal...
I stop drinking alcohal...
She said stop playing DRAKE OF THE 99 DRAGONS
I stop her Breathe...


Drake of the 99 Dragons: 99 Dragons, 0 Bad Albums, Not a Pedophile

Aubrey "Drake" Graham: 0 Dragons, like 4+ Bad Albums, Pedophile

In conclusion,

i dont think the devs had a single clue what they were doing making this game

I'm not here to tell you Drake of the 99 Dragons is "actually good" or anything dumb like that. I have no doubt that whatever nightmare got released on the Xbox was probably as bad as people said it was. But I have to admit, in regards to the version of this game currently on Steam, I can't say I really had that bad of a time! It starts out extremely rough and annoying, but once you unlock the slowing down time mechanic and the health recovery (yes, you have to unlock the ability to pick up health objects), this game becomes so much more manageable and actually kind of fun, sometimes intentionally, usually in how dumb it is. Watching Drake contort his body to point his guns at whatever is being shot while wallrunning on the side of a couch, it's a beautiful thing to witness. The plot is also just completely inane, pure 2000s sci-fi action slop, and the voice acting on Drake himself makes every cutscene worth watching.

I would say the sweet spot on this game is everything from getting the slow time power to right before the beginning of this game's version of Xen from Half-Life (yes, really). Everything before and after is mostly just miserable, and the bosses are also usually pretty bad, but overall this was a fun thing to experience. The game only really takes about four hours to beat. No checkpoints in levels can be rough, but thankfully levels tend to be short. Maybe pick it up when it's on sale if you're curious about these kinds of trainwrecks the way I am.

This review contains spoilers

This was so bad, any review others could give it are overrated. The Story is that a man who can absorb dragon souls shoots enemies, and his master gets killed, so he kills himself, and comes back to slay them all, this is the most basic story for a martial artist ever, and the way it was all handled makes it worse than recycled, including the sudden ending. The Characters are ultimate bland people, no personality outside it's robotic stereotypes, and their voice acting is not even acting, it's worse than school plays. The Graphics are garbage, they look like 5 bit models made into 3D, the lip syncing doesn't match the models, and the camera doesn't always go where you want it too. The Gameplay has you attempt to shoot enemies with 2 handguns that never run out of ammo, while being unable to shoot at 2 different targets with them, and the slightest movements make your character swing both his guns as far in that direction as it will go, "But Wait... There's more" there is a pointless blue shade when you pause, each level has a time limit, even ones that have zero reason to have them there, and the protagonist shouldn't suffer in any way from being that late, enemies spawn too close to you, later if you die, you have to wait in purgatory for a moment before starting the level all over again, but not the rest of the time, there's no purgatory then, you still start at the beginning of levels though, you can get hit again before you can avoid it, and I noticed some of the AI didn't shoot in my directions sometimes, also I noticed a truck driving in reverse, and they told me you can't simply shoot a boss, but you can. The Music is also garbage, no effort, and sounds are worse than you can possibly expect a game to have. Drake of the 99 Dragons is 99... % garbage and 1 percent the box art.

I've discovered the problem at the heart of media rating, the reason why people think we backloggers are so weird. It's not the over-cataloging, it's not the verbose reviews, it's not the "critical eye" (AKA not being able to shut up when someone puts a movie on). It's that we treat our little ratings like a formal evaluation or grading of a game's quality, when in reality a score is simply "how much did this thing cater to my expectations". This leads to a lot of pseudo-objectivity. To resolve this problem, I am giving a 10/10 score to Drake of the 99 Dragons. If you disagree with me, shut up, you're wrong.

99.

Drake es un juego horrible. Injugable, mal hecho, mal programado e injusto. Tomando la jugabilidad de Max Payne Drake quiere ser mas y siente que lo que mas necesita son saltos imposibles de controlar y que se pegue a las paredes sin controlar cuando te despegas y caes a tu muerte, porque si EL JUEGO TIENE DAÑO POR CAIDA.

Drake es un juego repetitivo y olvidable en su mayoría porque todos los escenarios lucen iguales salvo por recolorearlo y poner mas enemigos ¿Entonces Drake podrá defenderse debidamente? NO PORQUE EL APUNTADO ES UNA MIERDA, AUN CON LA MIRA AUTOMÁTICA TE CUESTA LA VIDA PODER DARLE A LOS ENEMIGOS SI ESTÁN EN GRUPO.

La cámara también fue un dolor, por encima que se atasca en muchas partes no ayuda si hay enemigos a los costados asi que igual vas a palmar hagas lo que hagas porque el juego se vuelve un Bullet Hell. Tambien que el Bullet time es igual de malo que el juego porque nunca va a funcionar precisamente para ti y solo pone mas lento el juego por unos segundos LO CUAL ES FRUSTRANTE.

Puedo intentar inventarme cosas buenas pero el unico merito que le doy es sus momentos de comic y aun con todo el cariño que le puedo llegar a tener aun cuando me trato mal, me pego, me violo, me hizo bullying, me humillo, me hizo llorar de la ira y logro que fuera una persona peor luego de terminarlo.

- Hola? Si, quiero 10 camisetas de Drake of the 99 Dragons.


Beat the first couple levels with a DDR Dancepad once lol

RIP to whatever poor kid told their parents to buy them this because the box art was legit pretty cool. This is my least favorite game of all time. Just in missed opportunity. It just plays so much worse then you could have ever thought possible.