My eyes are way too weary and my consciousness has drifted far too apart for me to care about my brain repressing the oh-so-famous embarrassing memories of my life.
As the images get exponentially faster, there's one that pops up every 6 months or so to crush any bit of effort I put into sleeping : my thirteen-year-old ass watching Touhou videos for hours because "it's pretty".

This is a checkmate to my younger self, and more importantly, an apology to all Touhou players for putting this away for so long.

I want to lose myself in waves upon waves of colors, let my mind bend at blossoms of bullets and stare for hours at the thousands of lights dancing toward me.
This is not just "pretty" and hypnotic, this is beyond beautiful.

Haha April fools you got PRANKED LMFAFAOAOAOOOAOAOOAOAO! Sex is FUNNY! WHY THE FUCK AREN'T YOU LAUGHING?!?!?!

Genuine spoiler warning; Play this game first before reading this review. You'll enjoy this little look at the game a bit more if you do. I actually recommend the game, but for a different reason than you may think.


Does anyone seriously find joy in this holiday? Whatever; anyways. Cave Story Sex RPG 2007, released in circa 2007 based on the title! Right off the bat, saving apparently soft locked my game??? You can tell where this is going already, can't you? Also the music doesn’t loop properly, as I found out while typing this review. Aaaand that’s it. You're stuck in this room for the rest of your life. Well, that was short! Damn shame, Bagenzo. I'm not sure if the reviews on this game are trolling or what, because I genuinely cannot progress as far as I know. A shame, but oh well, the game was a minute long. It might've been a test or something.








Okay, upon further key spamming, I found out if you press S you can progress! The game calls you a dweeb for stealing Chako’s lipstick (from the original game) and then tells you to sleep. And then someone (presumably Curly? I can't tell) talks about the Mimigma. Then you go to the PC, and then the books tell you this character’s past, and it’s genuinely deep shit??? I’m not even joking, it talks about why the creator stopped making games, and even their family. And it somewhat speaks to me as someone who makes reviews almost daily, and some of the annoyances that come with content creation in general. It talks about how robots cannot be changed (which I'll get into later). But it eventually ends, and you go to the bed to remove water from Curly. And then finally, the game reflects on the main character’s life before the game loops indefinitely.

Okay, that was shockingly deep despite the game’s title. But there's something I think the game is trying to tell us, and I'll try and piece it all together (this is 100% an unironic section, there's no jokes here). First, some of the tags on the itch.io page hints towards the overall message. “LGBT”? More specifically, “Transgender”? While I am a cisgender male myself, what I am as is Bisexual as fuck, so I'm still involved in the LGBT community to some extent. And based on what I do know about being transgender (although I did consider myself non-binary midway through 2021), I'll try to provide my best understanding of the story. First off, most of the story is told in retrospective; referencing the character’s past experiences with Cave Story (the game). This is the character’s former identity, as a cisgender person, likely in 2007 based on the title. Talking about the games they made in the past, they also talk about family. I believe this character is a creator inspired by Cave Story, with numerous ideas that ended up fruitless, with close family that is touchy to the character in the present. The character's current identity is transgender, evidenced by both the game’s tags, as well as the description, with the line “Reassignment to Pretty Girl”. Additionally, on the topic of the family mentioned in the game, I believe that the main character's family was unsupportive of their transition, which is not uncommon for trans experiences. After further researching Bagenzo’s website linked on their itch.io profile, the bottom of their page denotes that they are transgender. So this might also be a self biography of the creator themselves. I was genuinely not expecting that from a game dubbed “Cave Story Sex RPG 2007”.

Okay, I unironically recommend this game. This is a quick little biography of a Creator's life, and I didn't want to knock it too much, nor tell too many jokes, because I felt like it would be in poor taste. If I got anything wrong in my story analysis, feel free to correct me as once again, I am not Trans. But yeah, I wasn't expecting to enjoy it so much in retrospect. If I had to give a score… uhhhhhh… none! Once again, I don't want to knock it too much. Could've explained the controls (how the fuck do I not know how to advance in a visual novel?), but it's whatever. I enjoyed it a bit.

Among the various consequences of late consumerism, there's that pretty incoherent thing that brought us all here which is "rating" art, it has its ups and downs on every moral aspect you could think of, but I think it's safe to assume that if you're on this website, you enjoy doing this to some degree.

There are movies I watched and albums I listened to that are so personal to their respective artist that bringing yourself to review them would actually feel incredibly disrespectful, and Cave Story Sex RPG 2007 is one of them.
Criticizing elements of someone's memories for the sake of it, or acting like a literal diary should resonate with you is contradicting and wrong on so many levels.

Would you ever read your little sister's diary just to tell her the writing fucking SUCKS and give it a light 1.5 ?

I'm not saying a piece of art like that cannot leave any impression on its audience (heck, it's not even supposed to have such a thing) and I'm glad video games allow people to express themselves in such direct ways but some experiences are better left wordless.

I feel second hand embarrassment that a 5-minute web browser game that was made as a vent game has garnered so much attention with people trying to critique it as if it's a real product, or as is the case with any review site, the one-line joke reviews

Gonna steal this one from my friend, but writing about how this game "didn't resonate" with you is the equivalent of your friend detailing their feelings to you, and you look them dead in the eyes and say "Hmm, you seem to be getting your life back together. I must dock 2 points! The narrative has become severely uninteresting."

It's okay to let your feelings out in an unconventional way because some people fundamentally struggle with communicating them normally; who gives a fuck if people relate or "get it". Best thing you can do is lend an ear, offer support, and move on

Hope the creator is having a good day today

Me Caveman.

I will Unga and if Sun God willing, maybe some Bunga too. It don’t take much for caveman to have oog oog time, maybe throw rock, hang dong. No brain required. Game give big field for caveman to swing stick but after seeing two or three moons and bludgeon creatures, caveman ended up honk-shoo honk-shoo on hard rock bed.

Game give too many menus about tree with skill and item craft with backpack limit. Too restrictive for caveman. Let caveman have unlimited inventory so caveman don’t lose eyes to the sacred roll when woman caveman ask for new hut. Now caveman has to walk to cold cave and dodge 74th jaguar kitty to pick “rare” weed and skin “rare” wolf with the same brain melt music playing in caveman cranium. Tree with skill only offer caveman simple bonus resource and no damage ups. Make hard for caveman to grubbagrong the other cavemen who come in drove with massive damage stick. Somehow bad caveman see me caveman from too far away and now the country of bad caveman on me caveman ass. Only funny when random mammoth spawn nearby and mammoth kill most of other tribe unprompted. Caveman find tribe infiltration boring, but game kept making caveman do tribe infiltration.

Me caveman found badger, named him Ciabatta. Ciabatta good badger who kill most other cavemen, only cool thing that make caveman unhinge mouth and point at during game. Ciabatta not fair well with bad bosses though, bosses and mini-bosses crush Ciabatta in one swing. Then caveman die. Caveman no like when perish because game say checkpoint, but not load checkpoint upon rainbow bridge traversal. Ciabatta and all other caveman friends stay dead but bad cavemen already killed get revived by Moon Goddess. It feel like Yak ass when happen. Two big bosses in game unimpress caveman. Would rather take nap in Sun than play cat and mouse pot shot with ice man and arrow lady and their mitosis spawning cavemen family. Final fight is butt cheese from oldest mammoth, only amount to playing peek-a-boo with baby while she hide behind door caveman not allowed to smash down for some reason.

Caveman also have to mention that universe would randomly stop moving around him, bringing him back to something called PS5 screen. PS5 screen appear whenever cutscene happen or caveman fast travel, making caveman have to redo thing again. PS5 screen appear many times, now worship him every Sunday sun rise. Cavemen and animals sometimes stuck in crevice then learn to fly due to Physics God drinking too much fermented stew. Caveman know that when boss at 0 HP then boss should be taken away by One Who Kills, yet some bosses still live with empty health bar and take 30 more rock to face before succumbing to weak knees. Caveman clenched butthole too hard wondering if game broken while trying to survive and not redo 30 minute fight with gabagoog.

Caveman think made mistake buying funny caveman game and expecting caveman time. Game not work well and make caveman fun time too much of chore like wife ask. If other Far Cry games like this, caveman would rather have brain matter splattered on rock instead.

Will forever be known to me as a game i played ONLY during every single one of my Jewish Studies lectures. Im not even Jewish so i cant begin to tell you how i ended up in that class but this was the only thing i looked forward doing at 10:55 - 11:30am tuesdays and thursdays every week. Today was my last day of class so it was either I beat the game today or i take another class about the Jewish religion. There was no better option.

Fun game though if not a little confusing at times which is why it took me so long to beat it, though the game does have hints which i used religiously because between learning about pangrea or whatever my professor was talking about and me not knowing the geography of Japan i couldnt hope to keep up... Then i would have had to take a second Jewish culture class. The zones are pretty open at times and normally i would find this to be boring but the music was very good so i didnt really care much... either that or i was just so bored that anything was entertaining. The tight corridor areas were extremely fucking annoying due to the god awful camera

This game also does that Final Fantasy V shit with the humor where they do an attempt at comedy and nobody laughs but instead of playing this it just plays a laugh track (<-- thats a laugh track in case any of you didnt know) and unfortunately im a sucker for shitty jokes so this appealed to me. I think beating this game was more of an accomplishment to me than completing the course

features an impossibly generous depiction of a future san francisco, which is depicted as clean and technologically progressive; i guaranfuckingtee you that by 2064 the city will be a disgusting shit-scented garbage island run by ruthless mad-max style rival tribes based on their district of origin before it is inevitably destroyed by the war between soma's cannibal techno-yuppies and the mission's anarcho-queer doomsday cult. (the upper class will have long left the surface behind in the salesforce tower, which now hovers over the remains of the city, its occupants laughing and clinking glasses of champagne together as they watch the trash pyre at pacific heights burn)