TheWoman
6 reviews liked by TheWoman
Darkest Dungeon II
2021
"You know about death, that it's just a change, not an end. Hawk. It's time. There's some fear, some fear in letting go. Remember what I told you."
Darkest Dungeon 2 is the second darkest dungeon to conquer.
While the first will still be the first.
Let’s just get this out of the way. If you would like to enjoy Darkest Dungeon 2, then go into your save file and simply with a .txt editor of your choice and unlock all the heroes abilities. You’ll thank me later.
Darkest Dungeon 2 is different to its predecessor but also it really isn’t that different at the same time. Fascinating how the synthesis of difference works.
So what is the difference between the two? Well, for starters—DD2’s combat isn’t the equivalent of a vapid mobile game from the early 2010s. There’s a lot more going on with it, alas the tokens/statuses, i.e the inclusion of “combo” and “dodge”. As well as the heroes being designed to hold more variety in their abilities, like most can do some utility (self heals, stress heal, debuffs, etc.) Paths play into it and can drastically change the hero's abilties for better or worse—it matters what you're looking for. (There are paths that should probably be reworked.)
People enter this game thinking “I need a stress healer, a party needs this role” which is incorrect, you can take whatever you think will help you, as long as you’re doing damage. This comes up with plenty of other turn based combat games—video game or not— damage is the end all be all . The only way to reach the end state of this game is to kill every single enemy that comes in your way during your run. Sure, is having a dedicated healer/stress healer nice to have? Occasionally, yes. But, this is where combat items come into this mix. Why lose out in damage when you can take care of a lot of statuses and missing health with a combat item, it’s a free action to use them. Of course it’s another resource to think about during your run but the right combat item, at the right situation can be a game changer. (This isn’t even that different to DD1 but combat items—I would argue are more powerful, and significant in this one.)
What else is different? Nothing.
You see DD2 is if I picked up DD1 and shattered it into a pile of shards and told you to put it together again.
You see, a lot that people think is “missing” in the sequel that was from the original is in this game. It’s just somewhere else than it was before. It is an image, an idea, a problem, reconstructed into something entirely else.
“Where’s Hamlet, where is my simulation of taking care of mercenaries during the darkest of times???!!!” The inns and candle of hope, as well as the relationship system (which is a lot better than it was before. Polyamory was a REAL problem back in the day.)
“Where is my dungeon crawling!! Fuck this stage coach.” The world is a dungeon, it’s just big enough for your stage couch. There’s plenty of forks in the roads and perhaps at most three routes, for a difference of navigation. Oh—right. We’re going up, instead of going sideways Wow, what a difference. Oh and we can’t back track anymore?? NOOOO DROPPED!!!
“WHERE’S THE CRUSADER!!!” In the fucking grave.
Here’s a question: What is the difference between bringing four Antiquarians in a run to make a lot of gold for your town and bringing four heroes with the wanderer path so you can make a lot of candles for your candles of hope? The only difference here is one is four Antiquarians and the other isn’t.
You see, boys and girls.. Darkest Dungeon 1 and 2 still— fundamentally LOVE to waste your fucking time filling out lists and doing groceries. So with Darkest Dungeon 2 you’re going to be at the crossroads, picking out your party comp and going “what am I going to do today? Going for candles, are we trying to waste our time finding hero shrines, what boss are we doing. Do I even fucking bother doing a boss?” Wow, what fucking game does this remind me of? This is why, and I’ll admit it here, right now. Because this is almost exactly how I feel about the first one. This game— at it’s best is when you are using heroes who have their skills all unlocked so then you can theory craft and strategize a party comp that will synergize their way to fucking victory.
(Also adapting when bullshit happens but the thing is you have to have the ABILITY to adapt in the first place—making it more difficult to do that when you begin the game. But you also have HighwayMan and MAN AT FUCKING ARMS-AKA THE BEST CHARACTER IN THE GAME so if you die it's kinda a skill issue, sorry lol jk kinda.)
If it wasn’t for the fucking hero shrines I would say this is what DD2 does better, it does it better in every way until the fucking hero shrines. Listen, I like the backstories, don’t get me wrong, I think that’s fantastic and works well with it’s themes of the game but holy shit WHAT A TIME SINK it is to unlock all the abilities for ELEVEN characters! Life is too short! I’m too sexy for this! Fuck you!
DD2 is just shards of familiarity that was DD1, moments of reminiscence, pure past of the original darkest dungeon displaced into a sequel. DD2 is making a mistake and reminiscing that mistake, then allowing other mistakes from the pure past into the present. Forgive yourself or don’t— I don’t give a shit.
Darkest Dungeon 2 is the second darkest dungeon to conquer.
While the first will still be the first.
Let’s just get this out of the way. If you would like to enjoy Darkest Dungeon 2, then go into your save file and simply with a .txt editor of your choice and unlock all the heroes abilities. You’ll thank me later.
Darkest Dungeon 2 is different to its predecessor but also it really isn’t that different at the same time. Fascinating how the synthesis of difference works.
So what is the difference between the two? Well, for starters—DD2’s combat isn’t the equivalent of a vapid mobile game from the early 2010s. There’s a lot more going on with it, alas the tokens/statuses, i.e the inclusion of “combo” and “dodge”. As well as the heroes being designed to hold more variety in their abilities, like most can do some utility (self heals, stress heal, debuffs, etc.) Paths play into it and can drastically change the hero's abilties for better or worse—it matters what you're looking for. (There are paths that should probably be reworked.)
People enter this game thinking “I need a stress healer, a party needs this role” which is incorrect, you can take whatever you think will help you, as long as you’re doing damage. This comes up with plenty of other turn based combat games—video game or not— damage is the end all be all . The only way to reach the end state of this game is to kill every single enemy that comes in your way during your run. Sure, is having a dedicated healer/stress healer nice to have? Occasionally, yes. But, this is where combat items come into this mix. Why lose out in damage when you can take care of a lot of statuses and missing health with a combat item, it’s a free action to use them. Of course it’s another resource to think about during your run but the right combat item, at the right situation can be a game changer. (This isn’t even that different to DD1 but combat items—I would argue are more powerful, and significant in this one.)
What else is different? Nothing.
You see DD2 is if I picked up DD1 and shattered it into a pile of shards and told you to put it together again.
You see, a lot that people think is “missing” in the sequel that was from the original is in this game. It’s just somewhere else than it was before. It is an image, an idea, a problem, reconstructed into something entirely else.
“Where’s Hamlet, where is my simulation of taking care of mercenaries during the darkest of times???!!!” The inns and candle of hope, as well as the relationship system (which is a lot better than it was before. Polyamory was a REAL problem back in the day.)
“Where is my dungeon crawling!! Fuck this stage coach.” The world is a dungeon, it’s just big enough for your stage couch. There’s plenty of forks in the roads and perhaps at most three routes, for a difference of navigation. Oh—right. We’re going up, instead of going sideways Wow, what a difference. Oh and we can’t back track anymore?? NOOOO DROPPED!!!
“WHERE’S THE CRUSADER!!!” In the fucking grave.
Here’s a question: What is the difference between bringing four Antiquarians in a run to make a lot of gold for your town and bringing four heroes with the wanderer path so you can make a lot of candles for your candles of hope? The only difference here is one is four Antiquarians and the other isn’t.
You see, boys and girls.. Darkest Dungeon 1 and 2 still— fundamentally LOVE to waste your fucking time filling out lists and doing groceries. So with Darkest Dungeon 2 you’re going to be at the crossroads, picking out your party comp and going “what am I going to do today? Going for candles, are we trying to waste our time finding hero shrines, what boss are we doing. Do I even fucking bother doing a boss?” Wow, what fucking game does this remind me of? This is why, and I’ll admit it here, right now. Because this is almost exactly how I feel about the first one. This game— at it’s best is when you are using heroes who have their skills all unlocked so then you can theory craft and strategize a party comp that will synergize their way to fucking victory.
(Also adapting when bullshit happens but the thing is you have to have the ABILITY to adapt in the first place—making it more difficult to do that when you begin the game. But you also have HighwayMan and MAN AT FUCKING ARMS-AKA THE BEST CHARACTER IN THE GAME so if you die it's kinda a skill issue, sorry lol jk kinda.)
If it wasn’t for the fucking hero shrines I would say this is what DD2 does better, it does it better in every way until the fucking hero shrines. Listen, I like the backstories, don’t get me wrong, I think that’s fantastic and works well with it’s themes of the game but holy shit WHAT A TIME SINK it is to unlock all the abilities for ELEVEN characters! Life is too short! I’m too sexy for this! Fuck you!
DD2 is just shards of familiarity that was DD1, moments of reminiscence, pure past of the original darkest dungeon displaced into a sequel. DD2 is making a mistake and reminiscing that mistake, then allowing other mistakes from the pure past into the present. Forgive yourself or don’t— I don’t give a shit.
No More Heroes
2007
"I think I'm gay, wanna prove me wrong?" - Travis Touchdown
No More Heroes is shit. Let me rephase that. No More Heroes is shit full of passion. Clearly, Suda is just trying to work with what he had. He had the challenge of making an engaging action game on the wii. For the most part, he did *a* job. If you're reading this, you know how it works, you probably know how it feels even. The combat in No More Heroes is good- in bursts, and Suda knows that.
"I know a lot of gamers don't have a lot of patience."
This is what I respect about No More Heroes. It knows it's pacing way more than the player. The player thinks they just want to get to the next mission and do nothing but the hack & slash but as the game goes on, it grows repetitive and dull. Killer 7 has two good bosses. (I'm being nice here). No More Heroes has no good bosses. It's almost like a Pathologic affect here where you realize the combat in Pathologic is clunky and risky because fighting is clunky and risky. While killing as a career is tedious and draining of empathy and ectascy. The side jobs here are your escape, it's your exit from all of this. Leave while you still can, manchild.
"That cannibal capital makes everything sensory"
If you've read my Killer 7 review, then you got a clear picture with where I stand with Suda's nerd culture and indulgent love for video games. Funnily enough. I think it works better here than Killer 7. You see, we're playing in the role/perspective of a manchild. This is this dude's fantasty and it fucking blows. Suda is making fun of himself and people that think he's so cool and god damn, I got to respect that. I can only wonder if its coming from a position of critical self reflection or just boring self deprication.
Last thought on No More Heroes: Like this and many other works of Suda, I find myself finding enjoyment thinking about the concepts of his games, rather than playing it. I think a way to make a concept like this more effective is have the game mostly be a bus/farm simulator instead of reptitive
side job minigames. With little to no assassinations. It should be like Desert Bus with an out of nowhere, shocking hit and run at the end.
No More Heroes is shit. Let me rephase that. No More Heroes is shit full of passion. Clearly, Suda is just trying to work with what he had. He had the challenge of making an engaging action game on the wii. For the most part, he did *a* job. If you're reading this, you know how it works, you probably know how it feels even. The combat in No More Heroes is good- in bursts, and Suda knows that.
"I know a lot of gamers don't have a lot of patience."
This is what I respect about No More Heroes. It knows it's pacing way more than the player. The player thinks they just want to get to the next mission and do nothing but the hack & slash but as the game goes on, it grows repetitive and dull. Killer 7 has two good bosses. (I'm being nice here). No More Heroes has no good bosses. It's almost like a Pathologic affect here where you realize the combat in Pathologic is clunky and risky because fighting is clunky and risky. While killing as a career is tedious and draining of empathy and ectascy. The side jobs here are your escape, it's your exit from all of this. Leave while you still can, manchild.
"That cannibal capital makes everything sensory"
If you've read my Killer 7 review, then you got a clear picture with where I stand with Suda's nerd culture and indulgent love for video games. Funnily enough. I think it works better here than Killer 7. You see, we're playing in the role/perspective of a manchild. This is this dude's fantasty and it fucking blows. Suda is making fun of himself and people that think he's so cool and god damn, I got to respect that. I can only wonder if its coming from a position of critical self reflection or just boring self deprication.
Last thought on No More Heroes: Like this and many other works of Suda, I find myself finding enjoyment thinking about the concepts of his games, rather than playing it. I think a way to make a concept like this more effective is have the game mostly be a bus/farm simulator instead of reptitive
side job minigames. With little to no assassinations. It should be like Desert Bus with an out of nowhere, shocking hit and run at the end.
Mario Calculator
2009
i hate math
I'm a reasonable normal guy. I can have a discussion about this.
This is the worst Resident Evil. Yeah, dude. It's worse than 6 or some other obscure Resident Evil that no one fucking played but boomers. I'm sure village is worse by the way, I just refuse to waste my time playing it when I know I'm going to hate it. But with what I played? This is the fucking WORST! Don't get me wrong the first two hours is fine I guess. But once you leave the house everything is such a blurred mess. It's a completely forgettable experience. I wonder why! All you do is the same shit, fight the same shit, with mediocre boss fights to break between the fights against the blobs of grey and brown in the most NOTHING level designs!
At least I can remember Resident Evil 6! At least 6 has the courage to be dick out the zipper stupid!! This game has the aesthetic of every horror movie in the 2000s/early 2010s that you cannot for the life of you remember the names of.
This is the worst Resident Evil. Yeah, dude. It's worse than 6 or some other obscure Resident Evil that no one fucking played but boomers. I'm sure village is worse by the way, I just refuse to waste my time playing it when I know I'm going to hate it. But with what I played? This is the fucking WORST! Don't get me wrong the first two hours is fine I guess. But once you leave the house everything is such a blurred mess. It's a completely forgettable experience. I wonder why! All you do is the same shit, fight the same shit, with mediocre boss fights to break between the fights against the blobs of grey and brown in the most NOTHING level designs!
At least I can remember Resident Evil 6! At least 6 has the courage to be dick out the zipper stupid!! This game has the aesthetic of every horror movie in the 2000s/early 2010s that you cannot for the life of you remember the names of.
Erostasis
2022
AN ELEVATED MEET N FUCK
"but a machine of pure metal is a luxury."
"most often reserved for facades; to insulate the squeamish from uncomfortable realities."
As I am writing this, I am having a very stressful day. So let's destress by chatting about EROSTASIS for a little while.
It’s exactly what it says on the tin, AN ELEVATED MEET N FUCK. So you must be wondering, what is an elevated meet n fuck? What does such elevated meet n fuck entail?
You already know that I cannot answer this without indulging in the opportunity to talk about the Meet n Fuck games. You know, those point n click erotic dating sims that infested Newgrounds back in the mid 2000s? Those games that were completely jury rigged with stolen hentai art, and random assets found on the internet (like the moans from porn videos in 144p). Anyways, there are two things worth noting from these games. One, is obviously the poorly written dialogue that always has a typo, and two, the foreplay. The foreplay is the “challenge”, it is the wall in your way to getting your dick wet. How can it be done, boys? Well, it’s simple. You rub her left thigh first, DON’T DO THE RIGHT, FIRST! That’s a rookie mistake. It's the left thigh, then the right thigh. Then the hips- LEFT SIDE OF HIP FIRST- THEN RIGHT. Never touch the arms, always touch the cunt last, folks. This is the order, this is Meet n Fuck Lady’s way, and you will follow her way. You will serve the Meet n Fuck Lady! You think she’s servicing you? Bitch, if she doesn’t like your vibes, you ain’t getting in! You are constantly comforting her needs, at all times! You think you’re swooning her with the stupid shit you say? No, she loves desperate clowns that humiliate themselves to get her to smile. She responds to your bullshit with incomprehensible shit because she's not really listening to you, she's just thinking about eating you in one bite. Why’d ya think when ya cum, the game fades to black with a “The End” title card? Because she just ripped your head off like a prey mantis. You died, to sustain her desire, and you will be born again to service her at a later time.
Some people reading this is going to have the audacity to think “that isn’t Meet n Fuck at all.”. What are you going to do? Play them to prove me wrong? No, go ahead, go serve the Meet n Fuck Lady then come back, so I as well can put you in your place. I will choke you out like a rattlesnake, you fucking freak.
Ready to talk about EROSTASIS?
Actually, I know what’s best for you. No, I don’t think you are ready to talk about EROSTASIS. Let me just get this out of the way. This play is grotesque, with some vile, intense, and hysterical imagery of all sorts of perversions. Along with tone piercing sonic sounds that fit just beautifully with it. But obviously, this is not for everyone and I will talk more in depth about it (because that’s more fun for me.). If it does not sound like your thing then move on or keep reading so I save you the trouble. IF this does interest you. Then you will stop reading right now and play it. You will come back after playing it.
OBSERVE, PERCEIVE, AND CONTEMPLATE.
Erostasis begins by double tapping the BEGIN CYCLE. button, then your ears are immediately sonically challenged with this sickening high squeal of frequencies. Black waves swarm the screen, bordered by abyssal metal. The second button you double tap is SURVIVE..
You are then punched into consciousness! First thing you see is an open chest cavity with its beating heart, with all sorts of scrap metal and tubes lingering beside it. BWONG, BWONG, BWONG, BING!
“DO NOT
ATTEMPT
TO SPEAK.
IN FACT,
DO NOT ATTEMPT
ANYTHING
AT
ALL.
YOUR ROLE IS
TO OBSERVE. o”
Third button you double tap is OBSERVE..
At this point, you understand what you’re doing here. You’ve done a great job following instructions. You clicked three buttons already!
This entity that’s speaking to you is in full control of your body. You are only really blessed with the perception of it all. As it says best.
“YOU WILL WATCH
AS YOU
SERVICE
THE SHIP. o”
So it’s pretty obvious here. You aren’t a person, you aren’t Paul The Private Detective that’s trying to fuck every woman he sees to find a birthmark on their ass, nor are you some guy fucking your friend at a BDSM club. There are no Charlies or Veronicas here. Just organs, as the ship is nothing but a body of organs, and you are just one of them. So like any organ, it’s got a function that needs to be done for survival. What is your function? It’s simple, because it already told you. Your function is to service. You must cater to the other organs’ “exotic demands.”. You observe, perceive, and contemplate. What does that entail though? Where do I even start?
There’s seven accessible areas on this ship. The play begins in fabrication, duh. Then you must go through five other areas before entering the COMPUTER CORE! Starting at the top is HAEMOPONICS.
HAEMOPONICS
“the human body is a remarkable machine.
self-constructing, self repairing, highly adaptable.
it is by far the most economical form of automation"
I don’t have anything really smart to say about this quote. It’s self explanatory, really. The fuck machine ship is just spitting. Anyways, you’re going to approach this fleshy motherly figure. It’s the heart. What does the heart need? The heart wants maternal intimacy, you are going to embrace the heart and feed from it. Blood is a fuel of life, so is breast milk.(duh) The maternal relationship between mother and the baby in her womb explains the ‘self-constructing’ part of the beginning quote. A baby is constructed inside a human’s body, they share the same blood. She never gets to hold her damn kids. You really are doing this bitch a service.
VENTILATION
“I didn't dare go far
Saving oxygen
For Modern Business Hymns
Before the Warp Guard”
The lungs are dicks. Just because we don’t like to think/be self aware of our breathing, that means the lungs feel we’re entitled. Honestly, everything that happens here is just what it feels like to be sick. The times where your lungs are weak but forces you on your knees, begging for air.
“a desire for power is always a fantasy for the weak.”
Let’s just hope we won’t be needing portable oxygen tanks in our lifetime. Don’t forget to breathe.
NAVIGATION
“The pain, the pain
The pain, the pain
Relief, again, the pain
The pain, the pain
The pain, the pain
The pain, the pain”
The nerves are here and they need something beyond pleasure. Make them base, human, and animal, for a moment. Make them feel pain.
DOUBLE CLICK FUCK.
We made it boys, the service top representation that we’ve been demanding!!!! This is the real meet n fuck experience, right here. You click the word fuck, you click the word hurt, then you hear the aaahs and oooooofs. Then you leave! It’s over in that section! Like a real meet n fuck!
“30 seconds left
In a golden light”
BIOREMEDIATION
I got canceled after jerking off during Sir James Corden’s show, and now I work in the piss and shit factory. I sit in shit and piss and theres fucking ghosts in the waste and want my body. Anyways I’m trying to destroy them. This isn’t even just relief, I’m out right destroying these fuckers with my body. I guess that can count as relief, you’re letting these ghosts, waste spirits(?), move on instead of sitting in shit. Anyways, they get overwhelmed by being in my body and implode. Bioremediation. Worst part of this play? It does nothing for me. I don’t even have an edgy theory for this. Maybe it’s about people who watch porn but don’t even jerk off, they love the audio for it and they just death grip their dick the entire time, eventually cumming, maybe.
WEAPONS
This is the best part of the fucking play, right here. It does EVERYTHING FOR ME. Weapons on this ship are basically obsolete, they never use them! It makes these fuckers desperate! So what do we gotta do? Well, we gotta remind them that these weapons are nothing without us. So what I’m about to describe here, is possibly the most hysterical thing about this play. I sure hope that if you made it this far reading this, that I hope you played it so you know what I mean here. To people who haven’t. This is YOUR SECOND CHANCE! If you continue reading you are about to be robbed of an experience that’s seeing this shit with your own eyes. Okay so immediately you see a woman getting her gaping asshole filled with a TORPEDO, and of course it's making her belly stretch and inflate. These weapons are literally begging you to fill them, bro. They are so empty! What are you gonna do? Not fill them? Let them die? Of course not! Let’s load a round!
“I’ll kill and explode and explode until everything’s broken and i can suck it all in to fill me.”
Cool, I’m convinced.
LOAD TORPEDO
Bitch get loaded, it’s pleased but it wants to be fired. But it needs our permission. Are we? Gross, no fucking way.
DENY.
“you’re so cruel, my tormentor. thank you.”
There’s a world where Suda was making shit like this if he wasn’t so held back and repressed all the time.
COMPUTER CORE
Alright, relief has been given to every organ on the ship. Well, until we learn that this AI has something that needs to be fulfilled as well. Although this AI and its ship is purely amoral, there’s a simmering thirst of sadism that needs to be quenched. Luckily we’re an organ that’s very adaptable to the kinks of other organs in this post reproduction world, meaning we’re absolutely perfect for the job. It’s going to make us discharge, obliterating us completely. We’ve reached erotic apoptosis, folks. That’s right, it’s a cellular system that happens everyday, billions of times, and will happen again. Do you need relief? You got something that needs to be sedated?
Begin Cycle.
"but a machine of pure metal is a luxury."
"most often reserved for facades; to insulate the squeamish from uncomfortable realities."
As I am writing this, I am having a very stressful day. So let's destress by chatting about EROSTASIS for a little while.
It’s exactly what it says on the tin, AN ELEVATED MEET N FUCK. So you must be wondering, what is an elevated meet n fuck? What does such elevated meet n fuck entail?
You already know that I cannot answer this without indulging in the opportunity to talk about the Meet n Fuck games. You know, those point n click erotic dating sims that infested Newgrounds back in the mid 2000s? Those games that were completely jury rigged with stolen hentai art, and random assets found on the internet (like the moans from porn videos in 144p). Anyways, there are two things worth noting from these games. One, is obviously the poorly written dialogue that always has a typo, and two, the foreplay. The foreplay is the “challenge”, it is the wall in your way to getting your dick wet. How can it be done, boys? Well, it’s simple. You rub her left thigh first, DON’T DO THE RIGHT, FIRST! That’s a rookie mistake. It's the left thigh, then the right thigh. Then the hips- LEFT SIDE OF HIP FIRST- THEN RIGHT. Never touch the arms, always touch the cunt last, folks. This is the order, this is Meet n Fuck Lady’s way, and you will follow her way. You will serve the Meet n Fuck Lady! You think she’s servicing you? Bitch, if she doesn’t like your vibes, you ain’t getting in! You are constantly comforting her needs, at all times! You think you’re swooning her with the stupid shit you say? No, she loves desperate clowns that humiliate themselves to get her to smile. She responds to your bullshit with incomprehensible shit because she's not really listening to you, she's just thinking about eating you in one bite. Why’d ya think when ya cum, the game fades to black with a “The End” title card? Because she just ripped your head off like a prey mantis. You died, to sustain her desire, and you will be born again to service her at a later time.
Some people reading this is going to have the audacity to think “that isn’t Meet n Fuck at all.”. What are you going to do? Play them to prove me wrong? No, go ahead, go serve the Meet n Fuck Lady then come back, so I as well can put you in your place. I will choke you out like a rattlesnake, you fucking freak.
Ready to talk about EROSTASIS?
Actually, I know what’s best for you. No, I don’t think you are ready to talk about EROSTASIS. Let me just get this out of the way. This play is grotesque, with some vile, intense, and hysterical imagery of all sorts of perversions. Along with tone piercing sonic sounds that fit just beautifully with it. But obviously, this is not for everyone and I will talk more in depth about it (because that’s more fun for me.). If it does not sound like your thing then move on or keep reading so I save you the trouble. IF this does interest you. Then you will stop reading right now and play it. You will come back after playing it.
OBSERVE, PERCEIVE, AND CONTEMPLATE.
Erostasis begins by double tapping the BEGIN CYCLE. button, then your ears are immediately sonically challenged with this sickening high squeal of frequencies. Black waves swarm the screen, bordered by abyssal metal. The second button you double tap is SURVIVE..
You are then punched into consciousness! First thing you see is an open chest cavity with its beating heart, with all sorts of scrap metal and tubes lingering beside it. BWONG, BWONG, BWONG, BING!
“DO NOT
ATTEMPT
TO SPEAK.
IN FACT,
DO NOT ATTEMPT
ANYTHING
AT
ALL.
YOUR ROLE IS
TO OBSERVE. o”
Third button you double tap is OBSERVE..
At this point, you understand what you’re doing here. You’ve done a great job following instructions. You clicked three buttons already!
This entity that’s speaking to you is in full control of your body. You are only really blessed with the perception of it all. As it says best.
“YOU WILL WATCH
AS YOU
SERVICE
THE SHIP. o”
So it’s pretty obvious here. You aren’t a person, you aren’t Paul The Private Detective that’s trying to fuck every woman he sees to find a birthmark on their ass, nor are you some guy fucking your friend at a BDSM club. There are no Charlies or Veronicas here. Just organs, as the ship is nothing but a body of organs, and you are just one of them. So like any organ, it’s got a function that needs to be done for survival. What is your function? It’s simple, because it already told you. Your function is to service. You must cater to the other organs’ “exotic demands.”. You observe, perceive, and contemplate. What does that entail though? Where do I even start?
There’s seven accessible areas on this ship. The play begins in fabrication, duh. Then you must go through five other areas before entering the COMPUTER CORE! Starting at the top is HAEMOPONICS.
HAEMOPONICS
“the human body is a remarkable machine.
self-constructing, self repairing, highly adaptable.
it is by far the most economical form of automation"
I don’t have anything really smart to say about this quote. It’s self explanatory, really. The fuck machine ship is just spitting. Anyways, you’re going to approach this fleshy motherly figure. It’s the heart. What does the heart need? The heart wants maternal intimacy, you are going to embrace the heart and feed from it. Blood is a fuel of life, so is breast milk.(duh) The maternal relationship between mother and the baby in her womb explains the ‘self-constructing’ part of the beginning quote. A baby is constructed inside a human’s body, they share the same blood. She never gets to hold her damn kids. You really are doing this bitch a service.
VENTILATION
“I didn't dare go far
Saving oxygen
For Modern Business Hymns
Before the Warp Guard”
The lungs are dicks. Just because we don’t like to think/be self aware of our breathing, that means the lungs feel we’re entitled. Honestly, everything that happens here is just what it feels like to be sick. The times where your lungs are weak but forces you on your knees, begging for air.
“a desire for power is always a fantasy for the weak.”
Let’s just hope we won’t be needing portable oxygen tanks in our lifetime. Don’t forget to breathe.
NAVIGATION
“The pain, the pain
The pain, the pain
Relief, again, the pain
The pain, the pain
The pain, the pain
The pain, the pain”
The nerves are here and they need something beyond pleasure. Make them base, human, and animal, for a moment. Make them feel pain.
DOUBLE CLICK FUCK.
We made it boys, the service top representation that we’ve been demanding!!!! This is the real meet n fuck experience, right here. You click the word fuck, you click the word hurt, then you hear the aaahs and oooooofs. Then you leave! It’s over in that section! Like a real meet n fuck!
“30 seconds left
In a golden light”
BIOREMEDIATION
I got canceled after jerking off during Sir James Corden’s show, and now I work in the piss and shit factory. I sit in shit and piss and theres fucking ghosts in the waste and want my body. Anyways I’m trying to destroy them. This isn’t even just relief, I’m out right destroying these fuckers with my body. I guess that can count as relief, you’re letting these ghosts, waste spirits(?), move on instead of sitting in shit. Anyways, they get overwhelmed by being in my body and implode. Bioremediation. Worst part of this play? It does nothing for me. I don’t even have an edgy theory for this. Maybe it’s about people who watch porn but don’t even jerk off, they love the audio for it and they just death grip their dick the entire time, eventually cumming, maybe.
WEAPONS
This is the best part of the fucking play, right here. It does EVERYTHING FOR ME. Weapons on this ship are basically obsolete, they never use them! It makes these fuckers desperate! So what do we gotta do? Well, we gotta remind them that these weapons are nothing without us. So what I’m about to describe here, is possibly the most hysterical thing about this play. I sure hope that if you made it this far reading this, that I hope you played it so you know what I mean here. To people who haven’t. This is YOUR SECOND CHANCE! If you continue reading you are about to be robbed of an experience that’s seeing this shit with your own eyes. Okay so immediately you see a woman getting her gaping asshole filled with a TORPEDO, and of course it's making her belly stretch and inflate. These weapons are literally begging you to fill them, bro. They are so empty! What are you gonna do? Not fill them? Let them die? Of course not! Let’s load a round!
“I’ll kill and explode and explode until everything’s broken and i can suck it all in to fill me.”
Cool, I’m convinced.
LOAD TORPEDO
Bitch get loaded, it’s pleased but it wants to be fired. But it needs our permission. Are we? Gross, no fucking way.
DENY.
“you’re so cruel, my tormentor. thank you.”
There’s a world where Suda was making shit like this if he wasn’t so held back and repressed all the time.
COMPUTER CORE
Alright, relief has been given to every organ on the ship. Well, until we learn that this AI has something that needs to be fulfilled as well. Although this AI and its ship is purely amoral, there’s a simmering thirst of sadism that needs to be quenched. Luckily we’re an organ that’s very adaptable to the kinks of other organs in this post reproduction world, meaning we’re absolutely perfect for the job. It’s going to make us discharge, obliterating us completely. We’ve reached erotic apoptosis, folks. That’s right, it’s a cellular system that happens everyday, billions of times, and will happen again. Do you need relief? You got something that needs to be sedated?
Begin Cycle.
Killer7
2005
If you still like this game, your kids are about to go to college.
I spent a good chunk of my adolescence playing this stupid game. I've only beaten it once throughout my many playthroughs! It starts off strong with Angel! Kinda slows down in Sunset but still a moderate pace. The shit peaks with Cloudman. Andre Ulmeyda stays goated. The game never comes close to getting as good as that. Everything else is just vapid, tedious, and obnoxious in comparison. Also, I just don't give a shit about this guy's nerd culture! note: I don't care about nerd culture in general, but especially here.
Perhaps I've just lost the appeal to a lot of this game's charm, I've out grown it or some shit. Which is why setting this bs as "retired" is more fitting to me. I COULD set it as 'complete' but nah. Who cares. Anyways.
Suda LOVES video games, I fucking hate them. This is the difference between us.
I spent a good chunk of my adolescence playing this stupid game. I've only beaten it once throughout my many playthroughs! It starts off strong with Angel! Kinda slows down in Sunset but still a moderate pace. The shit peaks with Cloudman. Andre Ulmeyda stays goated. The game never comes close to getting as good as that. Everything else is just vapid, tedious, and obnoxious in comparison. Also, I just don't give a shit about this guy's nerd culture! note: I don't care about nerd culture in general, but especially here.
Perhaps I've just lost the appeal to a lot of this game's charm, I've out grown it or some shit. Which is why setting this bs as "retired" is more fitting to me. I COULD set it as 'complete' but nah. Who cares. Anyways.
Suda LOVES video games, I fucking hate them. This is the difference between us.