Howdy howdy y'all, it's your bestest and most favoritest star in all of Steamywood, DA NOISE! Can you smell what the Noise ain't cookin'?! Cause I can sure smell what Peppino was cookin', yowie wowie what a stench. This game blew so much hot ass before I showed up didn't it?! Could ya believe it?! They left me as just the third boss. THE THIRD BOSS. Me?! The Noise?! Boise, Idaho's favorite boi with the most poise?! There's a new director in town baby, and the academy's gonna be unprepared for this greatness. They're gonna give me a gajillion Oscars, and the Dorito Pope will be giving me every game of the year award for every year going forward and every past year too, because everything else is gonna be trash in comparison. Why bother making anything else? The Noise is here.
Woag. lights giant cigar with fancy zippo lighter with his own face on it
You see, The Noise don't play by anyone's rules, no sir/ma'am/mx. When The Noise plays golf, golf is actually played by The Noise. Numbers are made up and points don't matter, so who cares? Every burg is a primo burg when The Noise cooks. If you're not trying, you're not cheating. What if The Noise doesn't feel like racing? What about that ya stupid rocking horse? How about I give you a nuclear wedgie instead and beat the prize out of ya?! I ain't deliverin' no pizza, ya damn gnomes can get it yourself. That shit is positively abhorrent I must say! (sips tea) I'll destroy every house that actively orders that garbage. Don't cry to me when you see your fancy gnome cottage go flying to the third moon of Jupiter. YOU DID THIS! Take it from me kid, you'll go a lot further in this business when you see it the noisy way.
Ya see, I ain't like that lousy pastry chef, I'm a handsome and incredibly tall man with a college degree and a very beautiful girlfriend. I taught that Tony Bird guy how to do the 900 McNuttly Twist so he could become a Pro Skater, and I always know to shoot first and ask questions later. The personification of chaos, a chaos that Jack Garland wants none of. However you gotta know kid, that since you're no longer playing a shit chef with shit expectations, there comes much bigger demands from someone as POWERFUL and GOOD LOOKING as I am. You see, The Noise ALWAYS S-Ranks at minimum, I don't care what my producers say about being nicer about the lower ranks. I took a massive paycut to say what I fuckin' said if you ever D-rank in my general vicinity. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE IN FOR IF THAT SCENARIO HAPPENS, CAPEESH?!? A-rank may be acceptable to you, but if it were up to me it'd stand for ASS! I take nothing else, ya hear?! Now if you excuse me, the GF is a-waitin' for me. Don't be having any skillet issues on me, or there's gonna be a bit of a crockpot conundrum.
HIT MY MUSIC.
With Love to his adoring fans,
Your boi the Noise
XOXOXOXOXOXO
P.S. Woag.
We
Oughta
Assbeat
Gnomes
Woag. lights giant cigar with fancy zippo lighter with his own face on it
You see, The Noise don't play by anyone's rules, no sir/ma'am/mx. When The Noise plays golf, golf is actually played by The Noise. Numbers are made up and points don't matter, so who cares? Every burg is a primo burg when The Noise cooks. If you're not trying, you're not cheating. What if The Noise doesn't feel like racing? What about that ya stupid rocking horse? How about I give you a nuclear wedgie instead and beat the prize out of ya?! I ain't deliverin' no pizza, ya damn gnomes can get it yourself. That shit is positively abhorrent I must say! (sips tea) I'll destroy every house that actively orders that garbage. Don't cry to me when you see your fancy gnome cottage go flying to the third moon of Jupiter. YOU DID THIS! Take it from me kid, you'll go a lot further in this business when you see it the noisy way.
Ya see, I ain't like that lousy pastry chef, I'm a handsome and incredibly tall man with a college degree and a very beautiful girlfriend. I taught that Tony Bird guy how to do the 900 McNuttly Twist so he could become a Pro Skater, and I always know to shoot first and ask questions later. The personification of chaos, a chaos that Jack Garland wants none of. However you gotta know kid, that since you're no longer playing a shit chef with shit expectations, there comes much bigger demands from someone as POWERFUL and GOOD LOOKING as I am. You see, The Noise ALWAYS S-Ranks at minimum, I don't care what my producers say about being nicer about the lower ranks. I took a massive paycut to say what I fuckin' said if you ever D-rank in my general vicinity. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE IN FOR IF THAT SCENARIO HAPPENS, CAPEESH?!? A-rank may be acceptable to you, but if it were up to me it'd stand for ASS! I take nothing else, ya hear?! Now if you excuse me, the GF is a-waitin' for me. Don't be having any skillet issues on me, or there's gonna be a bit of a crockpot conundrum.
HIT MY MUSIC.
With Love to his adoring fans,
Your boi the Noise
XOXOXOXOXOXO
P.S. Woag.
We
Oughta
Assbeat
Gnomes
In an age before the internet became commonplace, I didn't have as much to entertain myself within the multiple childhood bedrooms I had. A small hand-me-down television of dubious quality eventually made it's way into my possession, albeit with no cable or antenna. Three things kept me company during those rainy lonesome weekends: toys, old video game consoles, and the trio of pencils, crayons, and discarded notebook paper.
I never liked having my room overtaken by the sound of silence, so I would often keep my fan on during even the cold winter nights. The constant noise of the fan wasn't really sufficient when I wasn't actively trying to sleep, so often I would rely on the only thing my television could produce besides static white noise, the music of my video games. This music was something that could either be easily conjured up by the sound test within the options menu, something that I could only hear in-gameplay, or if I'm lucky pausing wouldn't quiet the music. It's the reason a child would do such things like constantly replay a game to the point of being able to no-hit run it, play a racing game to drive on the same tracks over and over, or destroy countless soldiers on the battlefield for an entire evening. It was all due to the cool music.
Sonic 3 and all of it's versions didn't have a sound test, at least as far as I could see. It was quite a bother, because Sonic 2 had this. Why didn't 3 have it? I love the music so much. It wasn't until I came across the miracle of gaming magazines such as Tips and Tricks, Expert Gamer, and the like that suddenly my games would find a new lease on life, and Sonic 3 would perhaps get the most mileage out of it. Go to the vines in the first level, hit left x3, right x3, and up x3. Easy enough to remember. Sure, I get a stage select, but the sound test without any strings attached was what I truly wanted. I didn't need to constantly fight Mecha Sonic as Knuckles to hear the final boss music, even if I did find him super cool. I drew him so much...
Even when I eventually did get cable in my room, there were only like four channels I'd bother watching, and unfortunately I broke my sleep curfew a lot and stayed up like many a kid would, and advertisements would eventually start being shown instead of cartoons, pro wrestling, or stand up comedy. I'd spread my blanket across the floor of my room in front of my TV to either play something or just put music on from something I liked, then I'd draw, play my game boy, arrange my massive stash of Yu-Gi-Oh cards, etc. Was I a weird kid for sometimes enjoying the company of bleeps and bloops or some insane synth-rock music I heard in a fighting game about the anime I would catch after school every day? Maybe so, but music is music regardless of it's origin. For myself, that music represents memories of the journey I have taken through every console's library. Some are just more special than the rest...
I grow older, and I go through changes for better or worse. I live, I learn. Yet, here I am typing up this pointless nostalgia piece to the very music that inspired me to create decades prior, with the sound of the CRT speakers being replaced by some HyperX headphones, and my notebook paper replaced by a digital interface.
Some things never change.
I never liked having my room overtaken by the sound of silence, so I would often keep my fan on during even the cold winter nights. The constant noise of the fan wasn't really sufficient when I wasn't actively trying to sleep, so often I would rely on the only thing my television could produce besides static white noise, the music of my video games. This music was something that could either be easily conjured up by the sound test within the options menu, something that I could only hear in-gameplay, or if I'm lucky pausing wouldn't quiet the music. It's the reason a child would do such things like constantly replay a game to the point of being able to no-hit run it, play a racing game to drive on the same tracks over and over, or destroy countless soldiers on the battlefield for an entire evening. It was all due to the cool music.
Sonic 3 and all of it's versions didn't have a sound test, at least as far as I could see. It was quite a bother, because Sonic 2 had this. Why didn't 3 have it? I love the music so much. It wasn't until I came across the miracle of gaming magazines such as Tips and Tricks, Expert Gamer, and the like that suddenly my games would find a new lease on life, and Sonic 3 would perhaps get the most mileage out of it. Go to the vines in the first level, hit left x3, right x3, and up x3. Easy enough to remember. Sure, I get a stage select, but the sound test without any strings attached was what I truly wanted. I didn't need to constantly fight Mecha Sonic as Knuckles to hear the final boss music, even if I did find him super cool. I drew him so much...
Even when I eventually did get cable in my room, there were only like four channels I'd bother watching, and unfortunately I broke my sleep curfew a lot and stayed up like many a kid would, and advertisements would eventually start being shown instead of cartoons, pro wrestling, or stand up comedy. I'd spread my blanket across the floor of my room in front of my TV to either play something or just put music on from something I liked, then I'd draw, play my game boy, arrange my massive stash of Yu-Gi-Oh cards, etc. Was I a weird kid for sometimes enjoying the company of bleeps and bloops or some insane synth-rock music I heard in a fighting game about the anime I would catch after school every day? Maybe so, but music is music regardless of it's origin. For myself, that music represents memories of the journey I have taken through every console's library. Some are just more special than the rest...
I grow older, and I go through changes for better or worse. I live, I learn. Yet, here I am typing up this pointless nostalgia piece to the very music that inspired me to create decades prior, with the sound of the CRT speakers being replaced by some HyperX headphones, and my notebook paper replaced by a digital interface.
Some things never change.
1994
When you're four years old, you're the biggest dumbass on the planet. You're a big stupid poo poo head. Any other idiot could walk up and pretend to pull a quarter out of your ear, and you'll be amazed and stop cleaning your ears out of fear of losing anymore quarters coming out of them.
When we came home with Sonic & Knuckles, I was astonished at this supposed new abra kapocus-hocus kadabra bullshit that has warped time and space to allow Knuckles to appear in Sonic 2. Woah, what are you doing Knucklehead, this is Sonic's game!! Not no more! The dumbass wheels in my dumbass kid brain started turning, then they started hitting the thick mud that made up the majority of my head and began digging up dumbass ideas that only a child with no concept of how things work would think of. I could make Knuckles appear in Sonic 2, clearly that means I could make Sonic characters appear in other games too! Alright Sonic, we're playing some goddamned football! Then what do you know, I get greeted with "NO WAY!" on the TV screen and become dumbfounded and insulted.
What do you mean you don't wanna play Joe Montana Football?!? What are you? An idiot?! I thought you were cool Sonic! I'm tired of my best friend stabbing me in the back. You think I'm playing? Sonic, I'm not playing. I'm gonna rip your head off. You're supposed to be my friend!
Flying Battery Zone solos the entire Mario franchise.
When we came home with Sonic & Knuckles, I was astonished at this supposed new abra kapocus-hocus kadabra bullshit that has warped time and space to allow Knuckles to appear in Sonic 2. Woah, what are you doing Knucklehead, this is Sonic's game!! Not no more! The dumbass wheels in my dumbass kid brain started turning, then they started hitting the thick mud that made up the majority of my head and began digging up dumbass ideas that only a child with no concept of how things work would think of. I could make Knuckles appear in Sonic 2, clearly that means I could make Sonic characters appear in other games too! Alright Sonic, we're playing some goddamned football! Then what do you know, I get greeted with "NO WAY!" on the TV screen and become dumbfounded and insulted.
What do you mean you don't wanna play Joe Montana Football?!? What are you? An idiot?! I thought you were cool Sonic! I'm tired of my best friend stabbing me in the back. You think I'm playing? Sonic, I'm not playing. I'm gonna rip your head off. You're supposed to be my friend!
Flying Battery Zone solos the entire Mario franchise.
1994
It's insanely easy in today's context to write off vanilla Sonic 3 and to only play the lock-on version, but there's a very important thing you're missing out on, and that's getting to hear the mini-boss music that's exclusive to this version.
It's such a funny ass song to use as a boss fight theme especially in the context of a forest getting napalmed, it'd be like if you fought Maruyama/Trouble Bruin in Dynamite Headdy to his appearance theme instead. That second-and-a-half-long introduction that's essentially a baseball organ doing a board game jingle that leads straight into a bit crushed "C'MON" voice sample with tapdancing noises and a funk beat behind it is somehow simultaneously the funniest and hardest shit I ever heard in my life. The only way you could escalate this, would be if you had a dopey-ass three second long french horn that went straight into extreme sludge metal. If I had to use entrance music that wasn't Maruyama's theme it'd be this. This is like top three music to interrupt someone cutting a promo with. Imagine if people got to reel in terror at the sound of the goofy baseball organ during Smackdown as if The Undertaker's gong went off.
God, so fuckin' good. The comedian who designed Carnival Night Zone Act 2 will be hearing this music very soon, I assure you.
It's such a funny ass song to use as a boss fight theme especially in the context of a forest getting napalmed, it'd be like if you fought Maruyama/Trouble Bruin in Dynamite Headdy to his appearance theme instead. That second-and-a-half-long introduction that's essentially a baseball organ doing a board game jingle that leads straight into a bit crushed "C'MON" voice sample with tapdancing noises and a funk beat behind it is somehow simultaneously the funniest and hardest shit I ever heard in my life. The only way you could escalate this, would be if you had a dopey-ass three second long french horn that went straight into extreme sludge metal. If I had to use entrance music that wasn't Maruyama's theme it'd be this. This is like top three music to interrupt someone cutting a promo with. Imagine if people got to reel in terror at the sound of the goofy baseball organ during Smackdown as if The Undertaker's gong went off.
God, so fuckin' good. The comedian who designed Carnival Night Zone Act 2 will be hearing this music very soon, I assure you.
1997
I was born in a house of Sega, but there was never a jam in the kitchen.
You think it insane that we wouldn't own this for our Saturn, but with an American release date in mid-1997 I was probably too busy playing Twisted Metal 2 to even notice one of my ten childhood heroes finally make their much anticipated trip into the third dimension as an extra in a compilation that my dad probably wasn't paying any mind to due to owning all of the games already. Alas, I was temporarily distracted from drawing hedgehogs, and instead was sketching terrible looking pickup trucks with flamethrowers attached to them. The house of Sega was slowly getting encroached on by the house of PlayStation, a scenario that no doubt wasn't unique to myself. Don't worry Sonic, I still loved you.
Having a 3D controller on hand after playing NiGHTS last year came in clutch once again for trying out the well-known stepping stone for what would later be Sonic Adventure. It's a fantastic pad that doesn't get enough love I feel, as it's essentially a Dreamcast controller but with a better stick, respectable shoulder buttons, a six-button layout, and overall much better feel of holding. Sega was just as good as Nintendo was at making controllers, but for some reason they really cheaped out for the Dreamcast. Must've been the VMU slot holding back everything else...a worthwhile sacrifice, if only I could get the Saturn 3D pad with a VMU now. A potentially perfect controller?! Oh....oh my yes...
Browsing the gallery is a weird feeling, you recall pictures easily because you've seen them in other compilations before. Other compilations that came out after this one, for me both Mega Collection and Gems Collection. Unfortunate that the Archie comic covers aren't here, but they would've been only about five years deep into the run at this point. Included was also a history timeline of sorts, where you get to spot mentions of MTV, Cherry Coke, and the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade. It makes you remember just how popular Sonic truly was and still is. Regrettably, this compilation was released only a year before Pokemon would land on the shorelines and storm every school imaginable. It was quite a weird thought to have after seeing the line "Sonic is the first AND ONLY video game character to be in the Macy's Parade", knowing that Pikachu was that close to launching his campaign to take Sonic's throne. You didn't stand a chance, I'm so sorry my friend.
Back in 97 most people probably gazed at Sonic Jam on shelves, and contemplated buying it to have every main Sonic Genesis/MD title on one disc (The power of CD-ROM villainous scheming hands). Yet, today like many of these old compilations I enjoy owning them for their own bonus content, much like the PS1 Namco Museums or the Capcom Classics Collection that has the special version of Quiz and Dragons that uses Capcom trivia. It's kinda similar to owning TV shows on DVD I guess, where you keep them for the commentary and whatnot. Do I own Sonic Jam? Naw, to this day there still ain't no jam in my kitchen. The American Saturn library is too impenetrable I'm afraid. I would've loved to grow up with this, I'd be moving around with Sonic in that tiny little 3D Green Hill for ages, listening to all the music in one place and watching all the Japanese commercials that I couldn't understand. Would be utter bliss for childish me, but who am I kidding? It was bliss regardless. It feels crusty and smelly as shit that a Sonic compilation is being sold at 100 bucks for just the disc, but I suppose that shows just how fast the Saturn came and went for us. An existence that we took too lightly....shame on all of y'all. accidentally drops link to list of PS1 games I own
I will say though? Interesting renditions of the Sonic games in here. They actually aren't emulated, they're completely rebuilt for this. You get a spin dash in Sonic 1, normal/easy modes that change up the games, and time attack. With this comes a price it seems though, as when I played Sonic 2 I beared witness to the blast processing taking a vacation as noticeable slowdown plagued Sonic and Tails' run of Emerald Hill. In addition, all of the sounds in Sonic 3 seemed to either be slightly different or had been sanded down so sensitive ears wouldn't be disturbed. I'm sorry, I can take slowdown, but that? That right there is blasphemy in the house of Sega. We are all about the roughness, and we are all about the tumble. Without the rough, there is no tumble. I shan't be staying for my Sonic 3 playthrough probably, but I respect all the additions which keeps it as at least a curiosity among us Sonic OC creators. Still love Sonic World though....it was the entire reason I booted it up after all...
The extras man, the extras. It's all about the extras.
Now....where is the Backloggd page for the Sonic Screensaver?! GIMME WHAT I WANT!
You think it insane that we wouldn't own this for our Saturn, but with an American release date in mid-1997 I was probably too busy playing Twisted Metal 2 to even notice one of my ten childhood heroes finally make their much anticipated trip into the third dimension as an extra in a compilation that my dad probably wasn't paying any mind to due to owning all of the games already. Alas, I was temporarily distracted from drawing hedgehogs, and instead was sketching terrible looking pickup trucks with flamethrowers attached to them. The house of Sega was slowly getting encroached on by the house of PlayStation, a scenario that no doubt wasn't unique to myself. Don't worry Sonic, I still loved you.
Having a 3D controller on hand after playing NiGHTS last year came in clutch once again for trying out the well-known stepping stone for what would later be Sonic Adventure. It's a fantastic pad that doesn't get enough love I feel, as it's essentially a Dreamcast controller but with a better stick, respectable shoulder buttons, a six-button layout, and overall much better feel of holding. Sega was just as good as Nintendo was at making controllers, but for some reason they really cheaped out for the Dreamcast. Must've been the VMU slot holding back everything else...a worthwhile sacrifice, if only I could get the Saturn 3D pad with a VMU now. A potentially perfect controller?! Oh....oh my yes...
Browsing the gallery is a weird feeling, you recall pictures easily because you've seen them in other compilations before. Other compilations that came out after this one, for me both Mega Collection and Gems Collection. Unfortunate that the Archie comic covers aren't here, but they would've been only about five years deep into the run at this point. Included was also a history timeline of sorts, where you get to spot mentions of MTV, Cherry Coke, and the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade. It makes you remember just how popular Sonic truly was and still is. Regrettably, this compilation was released only a year before Pokemon would land on the shorelines and storm every school imaginable. It was quite a weird thought to have after seeing the line "Sonic is the first AND ONLY video game character to be in the Macy's Parade", knowing that Pikachu was that close to launching his campaign to take Sonic's throne. You didn't stand a chance, I'm so sorry my friend.
Back in 97 most people probably gazed at Sonic Jam on shelves, and contemplated buying it to have every main Sonic Genesis/MD title on one disc (The power of CD-ROM villainous scheming hands). Yet, today like many of these old compilations I enjoy owning them for their own bonus content, much like the PS1 Namco Museums or the Capcom Classics Collection that has the special version of Quiz and Dragons that uses Capcom trivia. It's kinda similar to owning TV shows on DVD I guess, where you keep them for the commentary and whatnot. Do I own Sonic Jam? Naw, to this day there still ain't no jam in my kitchen. The American Saturn library is too impenetrable I'm afraid. I would've loved to grow up with this, I'd be moving around with Sonic in that tiny little 3D Green Hill for ages, listening to all the music in one place and watching all the Japanese commercials that I couldn't understand. Would be utter bliss for childish me, but who am I kidding? It was bliss regardless. It feels crusty and smelly as shit that a Sonic compilation is being sold at 100 bucks for just the disc, but I suppose that shows just how fast the Saturn came and went for us. An existence that we took too lightly....shame on all of y'all. accidentally drops link to list of PS1 games I own
I will say though? Interesting renditions of the Sonic games in here. They actually aren't emulated, they're completely rebuilt for this. You get a spin dash in Sonic 1, normal/easy modes that change up the games, and time attack. With this comes a price it seems though, as when I played Sonic 2 I beared witness to the blast processing taking a vacation as noticeable slowdown plagued Sonic and Tails' run of Emerald Hill. In addition, all of the sounds in Sonic 3 seemed to either be slightly different or had been sanded down so sensitive ears wouldn't be disturbed. I'm sorry, I can take slowdown, but that? That right there is blasphemy in the house of Sega. We are all about the roughness, and we are all about the tumble. Without the rough, there is no tumble. I shan't be staying for my Sonic 3 playthrough probably, but I respect all the additions which keeps it as at least a curiosity among us Sonic OC creators. Still love Sonic World though....it was the entire reason I booted it up after all...
The extras man, the extras. It's all about the extras.
Now....where is the Backloggd page for the Sonic Screensaver?! GIMME WHAT I WANT!
1995
Bug, we're less than a week away from the release of your new movie, the biggest movie of your career. Something that could possibly catapult you to become Sega's mascot for their newest console, how are you fe-
The Bug suddenly throws his hand in front of the interviewer's face to stop them as he basks in the cheering of his adoring fans
....."Finally..... The Bug has come back to Miasmi!"
Crowd roars with thunderous cheering
"Well, The Bug is here. The biggest breakout star of the next generation. The Bug has finished his latest movie, his latest movie that will sweep the entire nation and launch the Sega Saturn to peaks not known by bugkind, bugkind that will remember to shout The Bug's name unlike our moronic interviewer here. Hollywood can hardly contain their panties at the thought of The Bug or his lovely singing voice. The Bug however, hears doubt. Doubt from his usual critics who can't handle going only north, south, east, or west of their fat monkey asses. He hears doubt that The Bug can carry such an illustrious task as to lead the charge and take the fight to the Sony Playstation and kick it's sorry grey bandicoot-lovin' ass. They doubt the greatness of the Sega Away Team, and simply call them the "Sega Buffet Team". They doubt the words of Stephen Hillenburg, Steven Gielberg or whatever that jabroni's name is. Interviewer, do you know what their name is?"
It's Ste-
"IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THEIR NAME IS!"
Crowd cheers and chants "BUG! BUG! BUG!"
"The Bug says this. The Bug doesn't need validation. The Bug doesn't need approval by crybabies who don't know how to move on a simple four-way grid, and The Bug sure as hell don't need to hear comparisons of him to some jabroni named... "Gex"?! Who in the blue hedgehog hell is that?! He is nothing, The Bug's cellphone rang up. It was nothing, they said they knew him. He's probably eating Chex with a big glass of milk, all while crying about his ex at his mama's house. They're over here shoving chicken mcnuggets straight up their ass while yelling "tail time". Why don't you give The Bug a huge favor, and whip yourself up a nice big glass of "shut up, bitch" juice?! If that tongue-tied D-lister has a problem with The Bug calling it as he sees it, then The Bug can personally give him directions to the Smackdown Roach Hotel. The Bug is gonna take him down Know Your Role Boulevard, The Bug is gonna hang that right at Jabroni Drive. The Bug's gonna take off his size two-and-three quarters boot, he's gonna shine it up real nice, turn that sum-bitch sideways and stick it straight up his chicken-lovin' candy ass!!"
Grabs the mic from interviewer
"IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLELELELOW! WHAT THE BUG IS COOKIN."
cue theme music
The Bug suddenly throws his hand in front of the interviewer's face to stop them as he basks in the cheering of his adoring fans
....."Finally..... The Bug has come back to Miasmi!"
Crowd roars with thunderous cheering
"Well, The Bug is here. The biggest breakout star of the next generation. The Bug has finished his latest movie, his latest movie that will sweep the entire nation and launch the Sega Saturn to peaks not known by bugkind, bugkind that will remember to shout The Bug's name unlike our moronic interviewer here. Hollywood can hardly contain their panties at the thought of The Bug or his lovely singing voice. The Bug however, hears doubt. Doubt from his usual critics who can't handle going only north, south, east, or west of their fat monkey asses. He hears doubt that The Bug can carry such an illustrious task as to lead the charge and take the fight to the Sony Playstation and kick it's sorry grey bandicoot-lovin' ass. They doubt the greatness of the Sega Away Team, and simply call them the "Sega Buffet Team". They doubt the words of Stephen Hillenburg, Steven Gielberg or whatever that jabroni's name is. Interviewer, do you know what their name is?"
It's Ste-
"IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THEIR NAME IS!"
Crowd cheers and chants "BUG! BUG! BUG!"
"The Bug says this. The Bug doesn't need validation. The Bug doesn't need approval by crybabies who don't know how to move on a simple four-way grid, and The Bug sure as hell don't need to hear comparisons of him to some jabroni named... "Gex"?! Who in the blue hedgehog hell is that?! He is nothing, The Bug's cellphone rang up. It was nothing, they said they knew him. He's probably eating Chex with a big glass of milk, all while crying about his ex at his mama's house. They're over here shoving chicken mcnuggets straight up their ass while yelling "tail time". Why don't you give The Bug a huge favor, and whip yourself up a nice big glass of "shut up, bitch" juice?! If that tongue-tied D-lister has a problem with The Bug calling it as he sees it, then The Bug can personally give him directions to the Smackdown Roach Hotel. The Bug is gonna take him down Know Your Role Boulevard, The Bug is gonna hang that right at Jabroni Drive. The Bug's gonna take off his size two-and-three quarters boot, he's gonna shine it up real nice, turn that sum-bitch sideways and stick it straight up his chicken-lovin' candy ass!!"
Grabs the mic from interviewer
"IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLELELELOW! WHAT THE BUG IS COOKIN."
cue theme music
2024
hypothetical life partner walks into the room
"Vee, what are you doing?"
"Playing Balatro."
"It's 4 o'clock in the morning. Why on Earth are you playing Balatro?"
"Because I've lost control of my life."
"Vee, what are you doing?"
"Playing Balatro."
"It's 4 o'clock in the morning. Why on Earth are you playing Balatro?"
"Because I've lost control of my life."
1991
Cry for the moon...
Entering the infinite void of what's beyond the thermosphere of our planet, we gaze upon her majesty. That moment we take in the supposed sanctuary of our mother goddess is where our unknowable enemy launches their sneaky surprise attack at the start of the round, we don't even notice there's two moons until it's too late. The imposter of our beautiful rock in the sky slowly approaches from the background as warning sirens blare through your speakers. I hope you're prepared fellow pilot, because it's only downhill from here when it comes to questioning what lies in front of your eyes.
The mechanics of your ship are shoddy and experimental at best, just as rough and rugged as the scenery you'll be digesting in your next trip through your shmup smorgasbord. The unknowable enemy will not make things easy with their positioning and method of approach, and your ship may be ill-equipped to deal with their lunacy and onslaught of Space Mambos. Persevere through it all and your Black Fly getting inevitably crushed and sandwiched between the ceiling and floor by a funny rascal, and you may just find yourself in a fight against a phantom phallus utilizing your own kind's history and imagery of what may be your childhood pet cat to drag you deeper into it's method of madness.
Once all is said and done, you will be led to wonder, were you dreaming or was it reality? Perhaps it's time to wake up...you were born to be free....
Wake up.
Entering the infinite void of what's beyond the thermosphere of our planet, we gaze upon her majesty. That moment we take in the supposed sanctuary of our mother goddess is where our unknowable enemy launches their sneaky surprise attack at the start of the round, we don't even notice there's two moons until it's too late. The imposter of our beautiful rock in the sky slowly approaches from the background as warning sirens blare through your speakers. I hope you're prepared fellow pilot, because it's only downhill from here when it comes to questioning what lies in front of your eyes.
The mechanics of your ship are shoddy and experimental at best, just as rough and rugged as the scenery you'll be digesting in your next trip through your shmup smorgasbord. The unknowable enemy will not make things easy with their positioning and method of approach, and your ship may be ill-equipped to deal with their lunacy and onslaught of Space Mambos. Persevere through it all and your Black Fly getting inevitably crushed and sandwiched between the ceiling and floor by a funny rascal, and you may just find yourself in a fight against a phantom phallus utilizing your own kind's history and imagery of what may be your childhood pet cat to drag you deeper into it's method of madness.
Once all is said and done, you will be led to wonder, were you dreaming or was it reality? Perhaps it's time to wake up...you were born to be free....
Wake up.
1996
I've been trying to think of bigger blunders humanity has made than letting the Sega Saturn die, shit like the Hindenburg Disaster and the invention of mayonnaise are peanuts compared to this catastrophe.
When I was in the mood to finally fill the massive gap in my Sega console lineup, I had to slap down a decent amount of didgeridoos for a working console and an ODE. It was a big down payment for only one console, but I essentially told myself that all it took was one copy of NA Saturn Bomberman for the entire thing to be paid off. It's insanely fucked up, more fucked up than someone inventing mayo while the Hindenburg was exploding, but these are the hurdles I'm willing to hop over to fix the hole in my heart that's the shape of my missing childhood Sega Saturn. I wanted to experience all the hypothetical final forms of two-dimensional art on my own coffee shit-stained clunker CRT TV, and emulation kinda smelled during that time. Worse than mayo.
I'd imagine there has to be some kind of heavenly timeline where the Saturn survived, and we weren't so quick to ditch 2D. I love my low poly original PlayStation, but if you had crafted a giant colorful sprite of a pizza in this game and made it scale up and down constantly while spinning all over the screen, it'd be second only to an actual pizza, and even then I'd be complaining about my pizza not getting more pixel-y as it approached my mouth, with similarly pixel-y cheese dripping from it ala a TMNT cartoon.
The Battle Mode is the literal life of the pizza party, and they even got a cast of Hudson all-stars to round out the playable characters. Bonk, the Adventure Island guy, that loser from Milon's Secret Castle, and even fuckin' Yuna goddamned Kagurazaka is here. I don't think Konami even remembers they own Galaxy Fräulein Yuna, and it makes me want to dive into the Turbo library a bit more again seeing all these peeps here, who are absolutely not getting let out of Konami's storage locker anytime soon. I mean, christ Bomberman himself didn't even get the common courtesy of an AV collection or any NSO releases. No respect, no respect at all I tells ya. Not even the common courtesy of a reach around. Konami don't give two shits about my man's history, cause he ain't their boy.
The only way you could make the battle mode more fun in this game would be to mod in all the voices from Atomic Bomberman, where all the Bombers were inexplicably voiced by Mr. and Mrs. Bighead and the Red M&M Guy. Maybe a lovely person could do that for me one day...
One day, one day maybe in 2050, Fightcade will have Saturn and 8P support....and the funny voice clips. There it is....the perfect bummer man.....you'd love to see it....
"time for a fuckin' dirtnap ya shitfuck" ~ Konami's last words to Bomberman after Super Bomberman R 2 bombed
When I was in the mood to finally fill the massive gap in my Sega console lineup, I had to slap down a decent amount of didgeridoos for a working console and an ODE. It was a big down payment for only one console, but I essentially told myself that all it took was one copy of NA Saturn Bomberman for the entire thing to be paid off. It's insanely fucked up, more fucked up than someone inventing mayo while the Hindenburg was exploding, but these are the hurdles I'm willing to hop over to fix the hole in my heart that's the shape of my missing childhood Sega Saturn. I wanted to experience all the hypothetical final forms of two-dimensional art on my own coffee shit-stained clunker CRT TV, and emulation kinda smelled during that time. Worse than mayo.
I'd imagine there has to be some kind of heavenly timeline where the Saturn survived, and we weren't so quick to ditch 2D. I love my low poly original PlayStation, but if you had crafted a giant colorful sprite of a pizza in this game and made it scale up and down constantly while spinning all over the screen, it'd be second only to an actual pizza, and even then I'd be complaining about my pizza not getting more pixel-y as it approached my mouth, with similarly pixel-y cheese dripping from it ala a TMNT cartoon.
The Battle Mode is the literal life of the pizza party, and they even got a cast of Hudson all-stars to round out the playable characters. Bonk, the Adventure Island guy, that loser from Milon's Secret Castle, and even fuckin' Yuna goddamned Kagurazaka is here. I don't think Konami even remembers they own Galaxy Fräulein Yuna, and it makes me want to dive into the Turbo library a bit more again seeing all these peeps here, who are absolutely not getting let out of Konami's storage locker anytime soon. I mean, christ Bomberman himself didn't even get the common courtesy of an AV collection or any NSO releases. No respect, no respect at all I tells ya. Not even the common courtesy of a reach around. Konami don't give two shits about my man's history, cause he ain't their boy.
The only way you could make the battle mode more fun in this game would be to mod in all the voices from Atomic Bomberman, where all the Bombers were inexplicably voiced by Mr. and Mrs. Bighead and the Red M&M Guy. Maybe a lovely person could do that for me one day...
One day, one day maybe in 2050, Fightcade will have Saturn and 8P support....and the funny voice clips. There it is....the perfect bummer man.....you'd love to see it....
"time for a fuckin' dirtnap ya shitfuck" ~ Konami's last words to Bomberman after Super Bomberman R 2 bombed
1992
Call me Vee....Captain Vee.....
It's been about thirty years give or take since I had encountered that ghastly damn fiddler crab. I trudged and shuffled my way through hill tops, chemical plants, casinos, and even oil spills to find all those sparkly gemstones competing in those half pipe challenges. The challenges themselves were quite a treat back in those days. They're a tad fumbly bumbly visiting them now, and the bombs are quite dastardly placed. I wouldn't expect any less from that egg-ish bastard, but that crab took everything from me. My time, my money, my gems, as well as my leg. That crabominable nincompoop took it off when I tried to jump on him, I don't know how he hit me, but he did. Underhanded he was, that's why as of this paragraph I have gone off on my expedition to track down that bloody wanker. I'm gonna get him back for what he did, I will have my revenge...
Been about a weeks worth of travel on the range, we stopped at the casino as a resting stop after my fox companion nearly got tetanus from a Grounder jumping out of the wall in those ruins earlier. Crafty bunch they are, constantly talking about buckets of chicken for some reason too. After I lost all of my rings diving headfirst into an oversized slot machine, we continued onward through the caves dodging those damn lightning bugs. We were getting closer though, closer to his habitat. I could smell the fumes of discarded fossil fuel, past this ocean, we will be within his lair. It's a shame no one has yet to do something about all this oil, I wonder if it's the seahorses keeping the cleaning crews at bay...their cheesy poof spitball can knock an echidna on their arse.
After a couple hours we finally made it, the fabled Metropolis Zone, often mistakenly known as "Genocide City" by some goers. Sounds like something owned by a blonde arms dealing supervillain living in a Nimitz-class supercarrier. My foxy companion was nearly knocked off the lug nut elevator that we were using by an exploding starfish, that's how I knew we were even closer. The music was awfully catchy for such a dangerous area, no idea where it was coming from. I can only assume that crab was behind it. We searched high and low for what seemed like hours.......perhaps even days....but then, it happened. I spotted him. Perched up on the ledge like he was last time, the crustaceous criminal.
Shellcracker. Shellcracker.....
There's no mistaking it, I could never forget such a smarmy little fucker. You could get an entire team of astrophysicists and mathematicians to construct a diagram of when and how this damn crab's hitboxes function, but they still wouldn't be able to figure it out. Baffled beyond recognition at the thievery of which this arthropod operates, science couldn't possibly understand it. I couldn't either, but I had to get it. My revenge. I cannot allow him to continue his antics, who knows how many countless others he has stolen from. How many lives ruined. All by this fiddling fiddler's debauchery and scandalous behavior. I ushered my kitsune cohort to hand me my spear...and I could see Shellcracker's eyes narrow, he knew it was me....I have come for him....only one will leave this area alive. The hunt is on....
My heart was racing, the adrenaline was pumping, the memories of our last encounter rushed back to haunt me. I took my trusty spear and clutched it in my dominant hand, I readied my aim at my arch nemesis. Shellcracker did nothing but sneer at me in confidence, his gigantic claw was ready to lunge at me any second now. I was at a disadvantage, but I was determined, determined to crack his shell. We glared at each other for eons, waiting for one of us to make the first move. Birds flew out of the trees that had somehow grown in this factory, and I suddenly saw his pincer rush toward me. My life flashed before my eyes, and I jumped skywards out of the way for my dear life. In the air, it felt like time had frozen. I could see him below me, now was my chance. I threw my damned spear as hard as I could, straight for his mug. I couldn't even see straight, after only a second I heard a loud "POOF" afterwards. After landing, I took a quick glance back at the enemy, a thick cloud of smoke where he once was. It was done, my revenge is complete. Shellcracker....has been cracked.....
After the smoke cleared however, a rabbit hobbled out of the wreckage of what was once a sinister shellfish. They looked at me for a few seconds, with an odd look that unsettled me. They seemed thankful, thankful that I had defeated them... something I was unprepared for. The rabbit ran off without a care, leaving me there with an almost empty feel. I got my revenge...a selfish act for sure, one that I knew made me no better than the crab, but... was it truly as selfish as that shellfish? I wonder how I would've felt if I had not seen that rabbit afterwards. I took a ponder to this during our return trip home. Riding the gondola down the skies of Hill Top, I remembered all those moments from our last adventure. The journey through the Chemical Plant outracing that vile blue jelly, exploring those aquatic ruins nearly getting my face taken off by an arrow... it's quite odd. My eyes became heavy as I stared off into the sunset, tears were felt running down my cheeks as I looked again at my new keepsake that was his claw. I spoke to him.
"Thank you for the memories, old chum."
It's been about thirty years give or take since I had encountered that ghastly damn fiddler crab. I trudged and shuffled my way through hill tops, chemical plants, casinos, and even oil spills to find all those sparkly gemstones competing in those half pipe challenges. The challenges themselves were quite a treat back in those days. They're a tad fumbly bumbly visiting them now, and the bombs are quite dastardly placed. I wouldn't expect any less from that egg-ish bastard, but that crab took everything from me. My time, my money, my gems, as well as my leg. That crabominable nincompoop took it off when I tried to jump on him, I don't know how he hit me, but he did. Underhanded he was, that's why as of this paragraph I have gone off on my expedition to track down that bloody wanker. I'm gonna get him back for what he did, I will have my revenge...
Been about a weeks worth of travel on the range, we stopped at the casino as a resting stop after my fox companion nearly got tetanus from a Grounder jumping out of the wall in those ruins earlier. Crafty bunch they are, constantly talking about buckets of chicken for some reason too. After I lost all of my rings diving headfirst into an oversized slot machine, we continued onward through the caves dodging those damn lightning bugs. We were getting closer though, closer to his habitat. I could smell the fumes of discarded fossil fuel, past this ocean, we will be within his lair. It's a shame no one has yet to do something about all this oil, I wonder if it's the seahorses keeping the cleaning crews at bay...their cheesy poof spitball can knock an echidna on their arse.
After a couple hours we finally made it, the fabled Metropolis Zone, often mistakenly known as "Genocide City" by some goers. Sounds like something owned by a blonde arms dealing supervillain living in a Nimitz-class supercarrier. My foxy companion was nearly knocked off the lug nut elevator that we were using by an exploding starfish, that's how I knew we were even closer. The music was awfully catchy for such a dangerous area, no idea where it was coming from. I can only assume that crab was behind it. We searched high and low for what seemed like hours.......perhaps even days....but then, it happened. I spotted him. Perched up on the ledge like he was last time, the crustaceous criminal.
Shellcracker. Shellcracker.....
There's no mistaking it, I could never forget such a smarmy little fucker. You could get an entire team of astrophysicists and mathematicians to construct a diagram of when and how this damn crab's hitboxes function, but they still wouldn't be able to figure it out. Baffled beyond recognition at the thievery of which this arthropod operates, science couldn't possibly understand it. I couldn't either, but I had to get it. My revenge. I cannot allow him to continue his antics, who knows how many countless others he has stolen from. How many lives ruined. All by this fiddling fiddler's debauchery and scandalous behavior. I ushered my kitsune cohort to hand me my spear...and I could see Shellcracker's eyes narrow, he knew it was me....I have come for him....only one will leave this area alive. The hunt is on....
My heart was racing, the adrenaline was pumping, the memories of our last encounter rushed back to haunt me. I took my trusty spear and clutched it in my dominant hand, I readied my aim at my arch nemesis. Shellcracker did nothing but sneer at me in confidence, his gigantic claw was ready to lunge at me any second now. I was at a disadvantage, but I was determined, determined to crack his shell. We glared at each other for eons, waiting for one of us to make the first move. Birds flew out of the trees that had somehow grown in this factory, and I suddenly saw his pincer rush toward me. My life flashed before my eyes, and I jumped skywards out of the way for my dear life. In the air, it felt like time had frozen. I could see him below me, now was my chance. I threw my damned spear as hard as I could, straight for his mug. I couldn't even see straight, after only a second I heard a loud "POOF" afterwards. After landing, I took a quick glance back at the enemy, a thick cloud of smoke where he once was. It was done, my revenge is complete. Shellcracker....has been cracked.....
After the smoke cleared however, a rabbit hobbled out of the wreckage of what was once a sinister shellfish. They looked at me for a few seconds, with an odd look that unsettled me. They seemed thankful, thankful that I had defeated them... something I was unprepared for. The rabbit ran off without a care, leaving me there with an almost empty feel. I got my revenge...a selfish act for sure, one that I knew made me no better than the crab, but... was it truly as selfish as that shellfish? I wonder how I would've felt if I had not seen that rabbit afterwards. I took a ponder to this during our return trip home. Riding the gondola down the skies of Hill Top, I remembered all those moments from our last adventure. The journey through the Chemical Plant outracing that vile blue jelly, exploring those aquatic ruins nearly getting my face taken off by an arrow... it's quite odd. My eyes became heavy as I stared off into the sunset, tears were felt running down my cheeks as I looked again at my new keepsake that was his claw. I spoke to him.
"Thank you for the memories, old chum."
1989
Funny story, I went to play a random Turbo/PCE game on my backlog here and turns out "Gunhed" is just the Japanese version of this which strips away the original movie licensing. So that was hilarious.
I hate to play the bad guy here, but I feel almost like I've been lied to about this game, because the pacing is absolutely abominable. The first two-thirds are so easy I could probably beat the stages with my toes on another controller, all while still practicing my Super R-Type pro difficulty 1CC with another gamepad in my hands. By the time I started getting drowsy Blazing Lazers decided to hit me with a low blow from behind in the form of an absurdly long bubble stage that suddenly wanted to bring in checkpoint respawns, and all 50,000 of my bombs were getting use finally. This all capped off with a finale that dared to bitchslap me with a boss rush, and mood whiplash from an attempt at seduction with a final boss woman who can shoot lasers at me. The titular Blazing Lazers maybe?! I assume she was in the movie.
Looking again at the release date I can get why people were impressed by it visually, but man, as a shmup I think it reeks. Having such a toothless difficulty for a long time only for it to suddenly put it's dentures in five days later is the worst way to do it I feel. I could try a replay to reaccess it, but by the end of it all I was sick of looking at it and that's a death sentence for any shmup to me. I ain't going back to 1CC this anytime soon I'm afraid, not enough slowdown like Super R-Type.
Seriously, I can't tell you how severely my brain was rattled when I thought I was playing a middling/below average PC Engine shmup called "Gunhed" only to find out it was actually the acclaimed "Blazing Lazers". Like shit, do I have bad opinions or is everyone else wrong? Maybe both....
I hate to play the bad guy here, but I feel almost like I've been lied to about this game, because the pacing is absolutely abominable. The first two-thirds are so easy I could probably beat the stages with my toes on another controller, all while still practicing my Super R-Type pro difficulty 1CC with another gamepad in my hands. By the time I started getting drowsy Blazing Lazers decided to hit me with a low blow from behind in the form of an absurdly long bubble stage that suddenly wanted to bring in checkpoint respawns, and all 50,000 of my bombs were getting use finally. This all capped off with a finale that dared to bitchslap me with a boss rush, and mood whiplash from an attempt at seduction with a final boss woman who can shoot lasers at me. The titular Blazing Lazers maybe?! I assume she was in the movie.
Looking again at the release date I can get why people were impressed by it visually, but man, as a shmup I think it reeks. Having such a toothless difficulty for a long time only for it to suddenly put it's dentures in five days later is the worst way to do it I feel. I could try a replay to reaccess it, but by the end of it all I was sick of looking at it and that's a death sentence for any shmup to me. I ain't going back to 1CC this anytime soon I'm afraid, not enough slowdown like Super R-Type.
Seriously, I can't tell you how severely my brain was rattled when I thought I was playing a middling/below average PC Engine shmup called "Gunhed" only to find out it was actually the acclaimed "Blazing Lazers". Like shit, do I have bad opinions or is everyone else wrong? Maybe both....
2004
Hey uh....Mr. Jinpachi, could you pretty pwease not use that move that wins the game? I think that'd be really nice of you...
"Okay."
stuns me in place for five hours and proceeds to shoot me in the face with a fireball
---
Imagine keeping a human-shaped natural disaster in your basement, that's what Heihachi did apparently. Then Heihachi fake died, and then his dad who's been dead gets resurrected by an unexplained devil that isn't actually anything related to the devil gene despite being addressed as "devil" constantly, at least according to Harada, because he ain't pushing Tekken 5 anymore. Feel bad for him, Jinpachi is the only unambiguously good Mishima family member, and in his debut game you have to put him down otherwise his bout of food poisoning will destroy civilization after it ascends past making a rad stage to fight him in.
He's not subtle or an emotional cinematic masterpiece in fighting game boss form like T2 Devil Kazuya, he's a seven foot tall slab of aged beef that has a literal "I win" move at his disposal. Perhaps it plays into his inner conflict with his Not Devil gene, where he's struggling to not use his "I win" move against you, because he actually wants to lose and not just hit you with his "I win" move and kill you with his fireball attack right afterwards. He could easily play to win, but that's against his wishes. A man of honor, until he isn't. A true being of chaos.....
I don't have much else to say about Tekken 5, but it's pretty cool they included the arcade versions of the first three games with the PS2 release, as well as the one and only re-release of the original arcade version of StarBlade in North America that isn't on a discontinued mobile platform or cut down to FMV form for early CD-based consoles, suffice to say I booted up Tekken 5 after playing StarBlade Alpha a while back just to compare. Strange how that ended up happening. A nice little way to celebrate a decade of Tekken two decades ago. adjusts bandages, because I'm actually an ancient mummy
Jinpachi loved StarBlade, that's why it was in here. RIP old man. Hopefully Tag 3 comes in 2033 so I can use you again.
"Okay."
stuns me in place for five hours and proceeds to shoot me in the face with a fireball
---
Imagine keeping a human-shaped natural disaster in your basement, that's what Heihachi did apparently. Then Heihachi fake died, and then his dad who's been dead gets resurrected by an unexplained devil that isn't actually anything related to the devil gene despite being addressed as "devil" constantly, at least according to Harada, because he ain't pushing Tekken 5 anymore. Feel bad for him, Jinpachi is the only unambiguously good Mishima family member, and in his debut game you have to put him down otherwise his bout of food poisoning will destroy civilization after it ascends past making a rad stage to fight him in.
He's not subtle or an emotional cinematic masterpiece in fighting game boss form like T2 Devil Kazuya, he's a seven foot tall slab of aged beef that has a literal "I win" move at his disposal. Perhaps it plays into his inner conflict with his Not Devil gene, where he's struggling to not use his "I win" move against you, because he actually wants to lose and not just hit you with his "I win" move and kill you with his fireball attack right afterwards. He could easily play to win, but that's against his wishes. A man of honor, until he isn't. A true being of chaos.....
I don't have much else to say about Tekken 5, but it's pretty cool they included the arcade versions of the first three games with the PS2 release, as well as the one and only re-release of the original arcade version of StarBlade in North America that isn't on a discontinued mobile platform or cut down to FMV form for early CD-based consoles, suffice to say I booted up Tekken 5 after playing StarBlade Alpha a while back just to compare. Strange how that ended up happening. A nice little way to celebrate a decade of Tekken two decades ago. adjusts bandages, because I'm actually an ancient mummy
Jinpachi loved StarBlade, that's why it was in here. RIP old man. Hopefully Tag 3 comes in 2033 so I can use you again.
Living throughout the 90s and going into the turn of the century was a big deal for many of us kids, on the onset it looks like just a number, a useless metric made up by us. In hindsight however, those four digits all turning at once into a brand new number ushering in the beginning of a millennium truly did mean something big. I remember the days and nights going by as we approached the new year, my tiny mind had great fear over it. What's gonna happen? Is the world gonna explode? Are the refrigerators gonna come alive and enslave us all? You laugh, but a mind that young is full of creativity, which comes with a side effect of believing a lot more than you should.
Obviously, none of that happened. It was just another New Years Day, but little did I know that it took a bit longer than that to truly feel like a generation was ending and another was coming into it's own. Rookie mistake of course, I was still learnin'.
There was this advanced futuristic console coming, the supposed sequel to what was....and still is my favorite system. The PlayStation 2. Bang. The Dreamcast didn't even see it coming, I am so sorry my friend, it seems you were simply the harbinger. What game could possibly lead the charge and rally the troops to Sony's cause? Well, I loved Tekken 2. I loved Tekken 3, and here we are. The Tag Tournament to end all Tag Tournaments. Tekken was big enough to not need a crossover, Tony Stark wants no part of Paul Phoenix, and to this day they say that Logan is scared shitless of King giving him a Muscle Buster. Tekken 3 was the big fighter on the block, but part of me always missed Kazuya and his purple suit. But here he is, staring at you on the cover. Like, "I'm back bitch."
The introduction cinematic even starts with that beautiful cityscape, with Kazuya simply getting up out of his chair to make his way to the elevator. He's the only one I know who can make something so simple look so damn awesome. When I get out of my office chair after typing this up, I'm gonna pretend I'm him. He'd have to be pretty awesome, considering the reason he's going to the roof of his building is to turn into the most awesome final boss of all time and blast his laser into the sky to show off his dominance. A perfect opening cutscene to prepare us for a new system, with high-fidelity futuristic graphics, 2-on-2 matches, and a gigantic roster featuring everyone that isn't Gon or Dr. B. Kazuya fired them, and I approve.
It's mindboggling, because Tag Tournament wasn't even a part of my opening lineup of Christmas games to go along with my console. Twisted Metal Black, Dynasty Warriors 3, and Metal Gear Solid 2. Killers row, but I'm not sure I'd ever associate them with the advent of 365000 sundowns. That's probably because Tag Tournament still existed prior to my system thanks to playing it in arcades way back. You know the drill, get chaingrabbed by a King player who's ten years older than you with no idea how to defend. The good stuff. Being a practice mode warrior at the dear age of 9 years old could only do so much. Alas.
So ends the ballad of big ol' cartridges and CD-ROM, and thus the bringer of the new age in the form of DVD and little Nintendiscs starts the last hurrah of my nostalgia. An age that I personally consider to be the last truly great era of gaming. Is it nostalgia, or is it true? Who cares? I'm gonna uppercut you into the moon, because I'm Kazuya Mishima and I'm bowling a 300 against True Ogre.
Obviously, none of that happened. It was just another New Years Day, but little did I know that it took a bit longer than that to truly feel like a generation was ending and another was coming into it's own. Rookie mistake of course, I was still learnin'.
There was this advanced futuristic console coming, the supposed sequel to what was....and still is my favorite system. The PlayStation 2. Bang. The Dreamcast didn't even see it coming, I am so sorry my friend, it seems you were simply the harbinger. What game could possibly lead the charge and rally the troops to Sony's cause? Well, I loved Tekken 2. I loved Tekken 3, and here we are. The Tag Tournament to end all Tag Tournaments. Tekken was big enough to not need a crossover, Tony Stark wants no part of Paul Phoenix, and to this day they say that Logan is scared shitless of King giving him a Muscle Buster. Tekken 3 was the big fighter on the block, but part of me always missed Kazuya and his purple suit. But here he is, staring at you on the cover. Like, "I'm back bitch."
The introduction cinematic even starts with that beautiful cityscape, with Kazuya simply getting up out of his chair to make his way to the elevator. He's the only one I know who can make something so simple look so damn awesome. When I get out of my office chair after typing this up, I'm gonna pretend I'm him. He'd have to be pretty awesome, considering the reason he's going to the roof of his building is to turn into the most awesome final boss of all time and blast his laser into the sky to show off his dominance. A perfect opening cutscene to prepare us for a new system, with high-fidelity futuristic graphics, 2-on-2 matches, and a gigantic roster featuring everyone that isn't Gon or Dr. B. Kazuya fired them, and I approve.
It's mindboggling, because Tag Tournament wasn't even a part of my opening lineup of Christmas games to go along with my console. Twisted Metal Black, Dynasty Warriors 3, and Metal Gear Solid 2. Killers row, but I'm not sure I'd ever associate them with the advent of 365000 sundowns. That's probably because Tag Tournament still existed prior to my system thanks to playing it in arcades way back. You know the drill, get chaingrabbed by a King player who's ten years older than you with no idea how to defend. The good stuff. Being a practice mode warrior at the dear age of 9 years old could only do so much. Alas.
So ends the ballad of big ol' cartridges and CD-ROM, and thus the bringer of the new age in the form of DVD and little Nintendiscs starts the last hurrah of my nostalgia. An age that I personally consider to be the last truly great era of gaming. Is it nostalgia, or is it true? Who cares? I'm gonna uppercut you into the moon, because I'm Kazuya Mishima and I'm bowling a 300 against True Ogre.
1997
This has to be up there with one of the most annoying cheat codes I've had to input, I'm gonna personally track down the guy who thought it was really funny to require two controllers and make me watch the entire preview video every time I wanted an attempt at the specific input timing required for me to see all the tracks and play as the whole car roster without having to get annoyed at woeful CPU opponents who never ever fuck up. No confirmation chime, and "Up" could've been either the dpad or the stick. So that was even more smelly outdated mayo to put on my "does this crap even work" sandwich.
All that to race as a green N64 controller whose analog stick moves with your turn. Cute.
All that to race as a green N64 controller whose analog stick moves with your turn. Cute.
1995
Try to think of yourself as around 6-7 years old playing this hot new fighting game that came out on the PlayStation after you had played the demo over and over again on the sampler disc that came with your console, you decide you're gonna finally brave through the arcade mode against the CPU that you're terrible at dealing with.
You do fine against the first several opponents, maybe struggle at some points, but you're moving along. You eventually fight the sub-boss, which could either be a bear, a muay thai kickboxer, or an infinite kicks spamming jerkward named "Lee" depending on who you picked. Your conflict is exhausting, but you eventually persevere against your unlockable rival. The loading screen suddenly becomes the piercing eyes of the final boss who awaits you, they are an asshole in a purple suit known as "Kazuya". He absolutely manhandles you, your world constantly getting rocked with sudden blows to the stomach that make you reel, and the sight of your body going flying from a dragon uppercut becomes commonplace. Your frustration grows, but the amazing music keeps you in the game. Through sheer force of will and youthful stubbornness, you finally defeat him. Whether it was through skill or luck, it doesn't matter. You Win!
...but the loading screen returns....with demonic red eyes staring a hole straight through you....
One last opponent awaits, they simply go by "DEVIL". The sight of a purple winged demon takes the place of Kazuya, whom slowly stands up from a kneeling position to glare at you while ominous sorrowful music fills the empty void that makes up the stage. A stage of pitch black darkness, with only a screen in the background playing back your fight in real time as it stretches into itself for infinity, all while his infernal sounding voice filter and lasers install fear into your heart.
Chills, every single time.
You do fine against the first several opponents, maybe struggle at some points, but you're moving along. You eventually fight the sub-boss, which could either be a bear, a muay thai kickboxer, or an infinite kicks spamming jerkward named "Lee" depending on who you picked. Your conflict is exhausting, but you eventually persevere against your unlockable rival. The loading screen suddenly becomes the piercing eyes of the final boss who awaits you, they are an asshole in a purple suit known as "Kazuya". He absolutely manhandles you, your world constantly getting rocked with sudden blows to the stomach that make you reel, and the sight of your body going flying from a dragon uppercut becomes commonplace. Your frustration grows, but the amazing music keeps you in the game. Through sheer force of will and youthful stubbornness, you finally defeat him. Whether it was through skill or luck, it doesn't matter. You Win!
...but the loading screen returns....with demonic red eyes staring a hole straight through you....
One last opponent awaits, they simply go by "DEVIL". The sight of a purple winged demon takes the place of Kazuya, whom slowly stands up from a kneeling position to glare at you while ominous sorrowful music fills the empty void that makes up the stage. A stage of pitch black darkness, with only a screen in the background playing back your fight in real time as it stretches into itself for infinity, all while his infernal sounding voice filter and lasers install fear into your heart.
Chills, every single time.