It was kind of perfect to play this following Tears of the Kingdom: Sable was exactly what I was looking for.

I've been struggling for a while to reconcile my need to play video games with how I feel when I play them. So often I find myself half-way deep in a game, sucked to the screen, pushing harder than ever to min/max and kick the games ass. I call that part of me The Professional: it's like I'm committing murder, how calculated and planned out I get about games. The assassination vibes are real.

That really isn't to say that I'm a good gamer, by the way: I've never finished a Dark Souls, and I cannot keep up with any kind of multiplayer game. But The Professional is committed absolutely demolishing this game. I'm not enjoying the experience anymore, I'm consuming it, devouring it, sucking it up because that's the plan, and I wanna win, so why not kick butt?

But as I watch this happen, I can see that I'm no longer happy; I'm often ragged, angry, fucking sick of doing playing this game I insist on pouring all of myself into. So why do I feel the need to do this? The short answer is, I don't know. I think that deep down there is a Child in me that craves the games of his youth, the adventure and fun, the art and the emotion and heart of it all. I can't go without playing games for too long without The Child crying out and yearning for video games, specifically. Nothing else seems to calm him down.

So I don't know what games to play anymore. I just picked up Pikmin because I thought the quirkiness would be enjoyable, and I would get to connect directly to something from my childhood. But it didn't work. The Professional saw the strategy edge and immediately ran with it, pushing me to finish the game as hard as possible. And I did; I enjoyed it, slightly, but mostly I just felt so freaking mad. Why was I like this?

Sable was unique; it defeated The Professional in me. I couldn't run so fast, I couldn't climb so fast. The pace was relaxed, and forced me to take a breath, think, and enjoy the view. The art, gorgeous. The music, astounding. But most of all, I could feel the heart in this game. I played both Tears of the Kingdom and No Man's Sky while playing Sable, as it reminded me of those games, which I love, by the way. But each time, I felt the Child in me bouncing back to Sable, seeing the rare greenery in the sea of sand, and feeling absolutely certain that a human had made it. I could sit with Sable, as long as I wanted, and then put it down and move on, and the peace of the game would sit with me. No combat, no damage, just an open place to exist and chill in.

I don't think Sable was any sort of cure. I didn't realize until after that the reason I enjoyed it was because it felt like such a breath of fresh air, in contrast to the more consumptive tendencies I have with video games nowadays. I hope that I can find more games that make me feel that way.

There were definitely some ways that the game broke down: frames, and bugs, and I could feel some of that need to devour after a certain point. Which means I was certain that when I was done, I was supposed to be done. No need to beat something to death that wasn't meant for it. But damn did it make me feel good. I hope we see more games like this in the future.

SPOILERS for experience; none for story.

I played LIONKILLER through twice so far. It was wonderful, with surprises, hard choices, and great characters.

I’m so used to the adventure/story style of games being fully narrative-focused, it’s been a long time since I’ve played something with a fail state. I picked up my first try as I usually do- a goody two-shoes, trying to be good to people, trying to uphold the law. Given the history, it’s easy to see why that wouldn’t work so well. I made choices as I thought they served the story, trying to help those who could help me and serve the militia as well.

In the end, I died, and it was all over. I had to start from the beginning. So… there is a correct path? Is there a good ending here?

I played again, this time determined to die as soon as possible. I was trying to play in short bursts when I had time available. I spurned friends; I held onto my military power as much as possible, and this time… I survived. It wasn’t a good ending- but I didn’t die. So maybe this game is narratively focused after all?

I’ll have to play again. This time, I’ll choose with thoughts of the future. Knowing what’s to come, knowing who’s loyal, and who will take care of me. Maybe I’ll actually kill the lion this time.

UPDATE: the third time was wonderful. I was able to achieve an ending I was really happy about. Strategic, emotional, wonderful. Definitely recommend.