i thrust awake in a cold sweat beneath the quiet roof of my sengoku ranch. i remember that the deed is nearly complete - i'm on the brink of the backloggd alignment lock

the panting starts. then the puke; panicking over what i must do. i reflect on what has brought me to this point. the truth sets in

humans are given two choices in the fleeting existence they call life:

1. they rate kichikuou rance with a half star. completion status: abandoned. review roughly reads, "dont let rance fans near children" or, "i feel like a worse person for playing this". these people absolutely rule at parties and you should unconditionally take everything they say completely seriously

2. ten out of ten. reasons enigmatic. their thoughts may be more driven by seemingly sociopathic notions regarding how their life was changed by a fun strategy game with cartoon humor about a guy who does bad shit for women, money and power. there's a good chance these ones aren't getting invited to the aforementioned parties

this is where i forge my path; where i shall walk the road to dawn

...in all seriousness, i'm pretty amazed that something this meticulously detailed came from an eroge company - let alone in 1996. there are so many moving parts and interlinked events that it borders on overwhelming. tons of characters too - many of which you even won't meet because of how structurally dynamic everything is. seemingly whimsical decisions could have lasting consequences, be they positive or negative. it's all so thorough that looking up just about anything in a guide seriously compromises the overall experience

alicesoft's sheer fuck-it-we-ball energy is impossible not to respect here. they crammed every ridiculous idea they had for the series at the time into one sprawling what-if finale and somehow it actually worked. that said, since it's a rough summary for five games that at the time didn't even exist, the narrative feels a little rushed even though it clocks in at 40+ hours. definitely left me wanting a little more from the antagonists and world, but that's what the hundreds of hours worth in sequels is for, i suppose

look - if you think crassness is funny and you've remained skeptical of this series as i have for so long, i'd suggest considering it. if you're on the "i'd never play that shit" side of the spectrum, then you've already made up your mind and that's fine too

if you think this game's bad mechanically, however: skill issue, filtered and so on

here is a pdf that better formats/clarifies the in-game how to play section without any spoilers

join the two biggest fucking idiots in the world as they somehow manage to botch each worst-case-scenario they land themselves in about ten times harder than the last. the liveleak logo never goes away on this ride

yeah yeah shaky cam artifacting hard to see motion sickness; whatever. once the initial shock wears off from the hilariously grim - and frankly very well executed - snuff/found footage aesthetic this is a damn fine albeit incredibly short tps with cool set pieces and satisfying gunplay

"I'LL CRUSH YOU"

~me to ANYONE who talks shit about jack garland in any fucking capacity. the protagonist to surpass caim has arrived

EDIT:

ok here's an actual review - this is the best action game to come out in well over a decade. play on hard with party disabled and you'll have a thoroughly challenging experience with some of the best boss design the genre's seen period. come for the stellar combat; stay for more of it plus a godlike narrative. jack garland IS the best protagonist in ff

and he did it HIS way