Dear God I want Son Goku so bad
Please god, I want to Goku to impregnate me so bad. I want him to bear my children with those beautiful child-bearing hips. That beautiful, radiant angel. Like a hot angel, having come down to Earth to cleanse us of our sins. Son Goku is beyond divine. I can't help but drop to my knees in worship whenever I see his handsome figure. I yearn for him in a way both primal and spiritual. I would commit more war crimes than every president in United States history just to lick the sweet, glistening sweat from his smooth, creamy skin. I want to listen to his moans as my manhood throbs within him, I want to hear his heart race as our bodies become one and our souls irreversibly intertwine in the holy sin of carnal union.

I want to suckle at his fatherly sausage, slurping that rich juche milk from his banger as he gently strokes my raging lust. I would stir his velvety cream into my coffee and let my buzzoms boil in it. His cries of pleasure and the rocking of our bed would be louder than the cacophony of ten thousand drone strikes. I would make love to him until my body gave out, and then some. I would let him break my rib cage with any part of his body. I would let him hit me with his hand just to be near him for a brief moment.

He's so perfect it hurts. Every moment without him I suffer a pain worse than breaking every bone in my body simultaneously while drowning and also having shards of glass coated in hot sauce forced through every orifice of my body. I want him, I need him. I want to desecrate his crisp general suit. I want to start a family with him and retire after our twenty seven children have grown up and moved out. I want to see those luscious lips speak such filthy, perverse words into my ear while he slides that huge dong down my gaping donut hole.

I want to bang him like he owes me money. I would let him step on me, just to feel the soft, firm warmth of his feet upon my face and groin area. I would sleep under him just to catch him drool in my mouth. I would fish the strands of hair from his shower drain just to smel him alluring scent, and braid them into necklaces to keep him with me always.

Heavens above please, I would do anything for him. 1 would relinquish my life, all my hopes and dreams, just to become the socks on his feet so that I may warm him mouthwatering toes with my very being, so that he may feel the heat of my love always. I would encase myself in cement and become his doorstep, so that he may wipe his heels upon my face. I would tear my own limbs off. I don't know what I'd do after that, or why he might want my limbs. But I would do it.

My King, my god, the light of my life. Please heavens, let me have him. I want him to be mine and only mine. I would lick the Doritos dust from his fingers and fill his belly button with honey mustard to dip my tendies in. I would give him a sponge-bath with my tongue every morning and serve him breakfast in bed. I would let him eat his eggs and pancakes off my body if it pleased him, no matter how painful the third-degree burns would be.

I would bear the torment of eternal damnation until the end of time to taste of his lips but once. There is nothing I wouldn't do for him, nothing I wouldn't say. I would beat my own friend to death with my engorged balloons if it would bring a smile to Goku’s shining face. I wouldn't even let myself c?m until he gave me permission.

I love you, Son Goku. Please. Be mine. Be my husband, my lover, my daddy, my everything. Say yes. Answer my calls, respond to my letters. Something. Give me a sign, Goku. I'm waiting for you.

I'll always be waiting for you.

Like watching a car crash.

Open Roads had a very rocky development, and it's not hard to tell. Announced about four years ago at The Game Awards and three years after the studio's then-latest release of Tacoma, Open Roads ran into some trouble when it came out that Steve Gaynor was a microtyrant who was forcing employees out of his company. In a true success story for the industry, he'd only been abusing his power over his subordinates to humiliate and demean them (specifically focusing his ire on the women at his company), and not to sexually harass them — please, hold your applause for the man until the end. The news broke that this dipshit and his stupid haircut had been responsible for turning over nearly the entire workforce of Fullbright over the course of just two years, and Gaynor stepped down ahead of the story coming out. He said he was very very sorry for his behavior and that he wouldn't do it again, but also that he wasn’t sorry enough to surrender the company name. Open Roads is now credited to "The Open Roads Team", comprised of the couple of employees who were left in the wake of his reign and whoever else they could bring on to save the project from a shallow grave. The game released just a few days ago to a remarkably small audience and a middling reception, and it isn't difficult to see why.

Open Roads fucking sucks.

It's a game that's very obsessed with detail, yet is remarkably uninterested in its story. When the game let me open up a trash can and pick out every single piece of garbage individually to examine it in a 3D model viewer, I got the feeling that I wasn't going to enjoy this. The models themselves are all very intricate and detailed, each one of them complete with their own bespoke labels, and fine print, and they're all very lovingly put together, and I absolutely would not have noticed nor cared about any of this if a core component of the game wasn't picking up random objects and looking at them. There's a reason that movies don't feature characters picking up every loose object on the set and holding them up to camera, and that's because it's not particularly interesting to do that. I feel like I have to explain this from first principles. What do we gain by doing this? What do we gain from having the player pick up loose items and stare at them? What does that accomplish that just dressing the set with static objects wouldn't? It certainly makes the game last longer, because you need to pick up every piece of random bullshit in the hopes of finding the ones that advance you to the next section, but there's no appeal in doing that. It's busywork. So little worldbuilding actually happens by digging through these items; you'll be picking through erasers and pencils and plates, all such boring, domestic objects that don't have any character to them whatsoever. You can pick up some push pins and look at them. They're normal fucking push pins. You can pick up a fork and look at it. It's a normal fucking fork. You can pick up a comb and look at it. It's a normal fucking comb. What are we doing? Why? Is there something about allowing me to pick these objects up and look at them that does anything that leaving them in the scenery for me to look at wouldn't? Could we at least do something interesting with them? Express some personality through them? Give us a reason to investigate them? Anything, so long as it could give this a point.

Tonally, this is all over the place. Tess being kind of mood swing-y makes sense — she's fifteen, and nobody seems keen on telling her fucking anything on the grounds of it being "too complicated", despite one of the core conflicts of the game being completely resolved in a literal three minute talk at the end — but Opal falls into this pattern as well. Tess will go way, way too far in making an accusation or just trying to come up with something that would hurt her mom, and Opal will respond in kind, and then the pair of them will act like nothing ever happened. One sequence has them blow up on one another, refuse to say another word until the end of the car ride, and then resume quipping and bantering not even thirty seconds later. It takes more time for you to eat the fucking burger that Opal buys you at the motel than it does for the only two principle characters in this story to have a ground-shattering fight and then completely resolve it. The store description boasts that Tess and Opal’s relationship has “never been easy” when it so obviously is. If I had said so much as a fraction of the shit Tess says to my own mom, I would have demolished our relationship. Instead, it’s all glossed over, all just Buffyspeak for the pile. If wry quips were currency, Tess and Opal wouldn't have to sell the house.

The game can't ever decide whether it's time to floor it or slam the brakes, and instead has you constantly whipping back and forth between long segments of doing fucking nothing besides wandering around to rotate ashtrays and then blasting forward with story development that you barely even have time to register as happening before it's over. Your grandfather died, but he wasn't actually your grandfather, but he was a jewel thief, but he was your grandfather, but he might still be alive, but he tried to turn himself in, but who cares, but maybe your professional gambler father can enlighten you, but roll credits. Christ. We spend 90% of the runtime walking around and investigating literal fucking garbage and then cram way too much of this incredibly boring story into not enough time to tell it. This isn't even an Open Roads problem, but Open Roads is a symptom; so many games have fucking atrocious pacing. I've started celebrating anything that can get to credits without rushing or dragging. At least this has the decency to be over in an hour and a half, despite the fact that it does nothing with that time.

Would you believe me if I told you that this controlled badly? For a game this simple, just about every control scheme has something completely broken about it. If you're playing on a gamepad (the optimal way to play), menus are often incredibly sticky and require a few button presses before they actually register that you want to move your cursor up or down. Getting from New Game to Continue on the main menu took four down presses to move the selection box down once. Objects that you can interact with are what I can only describe as "sticky"; moving your reticle near them will drastically decrease your sensitivity and pull your view towards the item like a magnet, ensuring that you can easily pick up the item without having to fiddle with getting the reticle placement just right. This, in theory, is a great idea. In practice, the fact that so many fucking items in the game can be interacted with means that your view is constantly being dragged around, making it feel like you're fighting with the controls when you're trying to look up from a desk to the exit door. You can't move your camera freely unless you're staring off into empty space, because your reticle keeps getting caught on objects and making it incredibly difficult for you to look away from them. It should not be this frustrating simply trying to look around a room.

Doing this on a mouse is where the fun really begins, though. I don't know what happened with my copy of the game, because I can't imagine that this happened to anyone else and they didn't see fit to mention it; it's obviously a bug, but it's also really funny that it made to the final release. Mouselook, for some ungodly reason, is locked to eight directions. It also "snaps" when you move it around, jumping from one point to another rather than smoothly gliding between them. I thought it had something to do with the controller being plugged in, but it persisted through both unplugging the gamepad and restarting the PC. I can't really explain how bad this is through text, so I've graciously provided you with a video so that you won't have to experience it for yourself. Nobody should know these horrors, but I do. You should not be made to carry this burden.

I feel bad giving it this low of a score, because I usually prefer to reserve the half-stars for works that are actively harmful. The kind of thing that does damage. But there is absolutely nothing that I like here. I detest the writing, I detest playing it, I detest the way that it looks, I can't fucking stand it. This game radiates a horrid energy that enters me in waves and saps my will. The writers have almost never worked on anything else in their lives and one of the lead art directors made Dream Daddy. We're not dealing with heavy hitters of the industry, here. These are people who are uniquely underqualified coming in to try and salvage an extant work tainted by employee abuse because throwing out the name and starting over would be bad for brand recognition.

Despite the fact that this is intended as something of a follow-up to Gone Home, there's almost nobody left from that project who's still working on this one. This isn't a successor project so much as it is an imitation, all of the gaps smoothed over with drywall mud from Annapurna helping to pull in nearly three hundred fucking contractors to get this out. What compelled them to go ahead with releasing this? Open Roads is the ship of Theseus. Clearly everybody who knew what they were doing when they were still under the Fullbright banner is gone with no intention of coming back, and the ones with a clue who survived Gaynor's reign don't have enough of a voice under the fucking mountain of outside artists and developers being brought in to push this out the door.

Open Roads is a game that clearly has talented people on board, but is helmed by a team lead (or leads, plural) who have no clue what do to with them. There’s so much wasted potential here. It sucks to see all of these people wriggle out from under the thumb of an abusive manager just to immediately be put beneath the thumb of a new manager who’s incompetent, instead. I can’t write here what I hope happens to Steve Gaynor. I do hope that whoever’s left from Fullbright can leave Annapurna behind and make something better than their oldest work, because I know they’re capable of it. They just need a leader who isn’t a fucking moron.

Hey, mom!

A mixed bag of a sequel that improves on some things yet falters on others. A game that tries to force variety but makes it a chore instead. (I'm going to be adding more to this in the coming days as I remember more talking points.)

Let me start out by saying, I played 150hrs of this game. I still liked it. I just am not going to let it get away with all the terrible design just because I liked it. This game is no where near perfect. Still a fun game though.

I will be doing a rare thing and speaking about story in detail, but not until the very end and I will tell you before I spoil anything. I will give a brief spoiler free story opinion too.

First off, the combat has been drastically improved. Dodging actually does something. Although not well explained, the new synergy abilities and attacks are neat. The pressure system is a great addition as it help you stugger things quicker.

The story is mostly good. Although it drags on. It's pacing is constantly interrupted. It forces story into areas that never used to have story. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it does not. It's not as streamlined as remake. A lot of side quest do end up tying into something relevant with either the world, a specific character's story, or the story as a whole. This is neat. Although some are completely there for filler and have no relation to anything. It's more faithful to a fault I feel. Feels like you do things because 7 OG did it, not because it was necessary. Like you visit every time almost but they force story in those towns that lacked any story before. I won't say anything about the end here, but I have thoughts. All I'll say is that it is confusing, in a bad way. It will be in the spoiler section.

Now let's get down to the meat of this review, what is wrong with the game? There is going to be a lot here. But bare with me. No one else seems to be saying it and someone needs to.

The open world is simply tedious, not needed, and serves no real purpose but padding out an already padded game. It destroys the pacing of the story. And yes, although optional, you need the exp, the resources, and the relationship points. So it doesn't feel optional. Not only that but Chadley is literally interrupting you at all times making what is already a slow process, even worse.

Running around the world is jank. The animations get very tedious.

You can swim across anything most of the game, until all the sudden, you can't swim across a 5ft body of water in the open world because they don't want you to. It's really dumb and simply an excuse to give a purpose to something existing in the game. And no, I'm not talking about a swamp.

Upgrading is now delegated to specific machine/vendors which is a complete downgrade from Remake where you can do it anywhere anytime.

Let's talk about mini games. NOT EVERYTHING NEEDS TO BE A FUCKING MINI GAME FINAL FANTASY VII REBIRTH! Let me repeat that, not everything needs to be be a fucking mini game. Like OMFG, I try my best not to cuss in reviews, but holy shit. I cannot express how infuriating it is to have shitty mini game every five steps. And no, I'm not talking about the amazing Queen's Blood. I'm talking about every quest turning into an annoying, terrible controlling, bad designed mini game. Sometimes they are optional. Other times they are not. Like they saw other mini games in other games and said, "Let's make that!, But Worse!" It kills the pacing of the game. It makes certain quests a chore. It makes one specific chapter unbearably slow. And no, I'm not talking about the Gold Saucer. Which surprisingly, had mostly good mini games.

Let's talk about the lighting in the game. It's shit. I'm sorry, but the game starts at 0 or 1 brightness by defeat and it's still too damn bright. Every time you exit into a bright area, you can't see. Everytime you enter a dark area, you can't see. THAT ISN'T HOW LIGHT ACTUALLY WORKS SQUARE! Yes on occasion, if you are out in the bright sun, it might be hard to see in a dark doorway. On occasion if you are in a dark area, it might be hard to see outside for a second. But not every time! But what makes this worse is that in cutscenes, characters look bleached in the sun. It looks terrible. I tried to adjust setting on my TV nothing helped.

Another complaint is the map. It's terrible. Not useful. It doesn't help guide you. It actively confuses you at times. Misleads you. There is a moment early in the game, where it tells you to climb up. You do that, then the Quest Icon on my map moves into the void and is no longer helpful. You don't realize there is another place to climb up because the map doesn't tell you. It's very easily missed due to the lighting. And due to the fact that you just shot a bunch of debris that never goes away.

Let's about about debris and item physics. So they decided your characters can collided with boxes, rocks, metal boxes, etc on the ground. The metal boxes make this loud noise when moved as if you threw them off a fucking cliff. Let's ignore the noises for a second. It just looks terrible. It feels amateurish. The moment I spoke about in the previous paragraphy. Not only is it hard to see because of the lighting, but it hard to see because there soo much debris. Like you blow up 4-5 boulders and at least 4 crystals. So you are walking around in this small area, wading through an ocean of crap that no longer needs to be there because you broke it. Any other game would have despawned the debris. But not this game. It looks terrible. It's amateurish and Square should know better. I expect better from them.

One last thing. Why is the music drastically louder than the voices. I had to lower it and it still honestly was not enough. Like at times, it feelts like you cannot hear the dialogue due to the music. Like yes, easy to fix, but yet again, I expect better from Square. It just adds to the amateurish feel of the game.

Oh and, they should be ashamed of themselves for the complete and utter lack of accessibility features in the game. Get with the times Square. Makes your games accessible. It's not hard.

Here's the thing. I know I'm talking badly about this game. All these things isolated, not that big of an issue. But after awhile it all adds up. Especially in a game that took me 150hrs! The game is just plagued with terrible annoying design.

Here are some more good things. Characters are well fleshed out. Relationships between them are great. Besides the lighting, it looks great. Music is fantastic, as long as it is not blasting over dialogue. The chocobos are cute. The moogles are cursed.

Queen's Blood, the card game, is the best. It's so satisfying. It's really fun. It has a lot going on that I cannot go into due to spoilers. Seriously one of the best card games out there. I want a game based on Queen's Blood alone. Give it to us Square.

This is where I will end my no spoiler review. All in all I still loved this game. I just refuse to let it get away with all this terrible stuff without saying anything. Most other people are not saying these things. And they need to be said. Below this will be spoilers. You have been warned.

YET AGAIN

SPOILERS STARTING

BELOW THIS POINT!

Okay, let's talk about the new playable characters. Red is a lot of fun. Although his Vegence mode is hard to grasp. I let the CPU build up his bar for me. Then used it. I couldn't seem to get a hang of the blocking needed for his gimmick. But the CPU is good at doing it for you. And also, Stardust Ray is OP.

I'm not gonna talk about Yuffie much. She is mainly the say from intergrade. I don't like her as a character nor playing as her tbh.

Cait Sith is super fun. It took me some time to understand him though. He plays very well. And his moogle is also very fun.

The Queen's Blood Story is very cool.

Now, story spoilers. AGAIN, I'M SPOILING STORY. DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU DON'T WANT SPOILERS.

The Zack story is confusing and mostly amounts to nothing until the end. Like you get minutes with him. Then you go 20hrs with nothing. I don't feel like it paid off most of the time. Except for the end, but yet again, I have words about the end. I'll leave it for last though.

So this game follows 7 OG to a fault. It forces story into areas that lacked them before in a bad way. The most notable is Costal de Sol. They present it as a break for the party. Look at this beach town. Go have fun. The problem with this is, go have fun means. You must play all these mini games that suck and you must get the lowest rank on each. It's terrible. Not fun. There are some cute moments and a fun mini game or two, but mostly it's not great. Especially when you realize the next huge location is leading towards the Gold Saucer. There is 1 chapter in between Costa de Sol vacation and Gold Saucer break. Not only that but before you reach Costa de Sol, you have a break playing in a card tourney on a boat. So yet again, it's just poorly paced. We go from high action in Upper Junon to boat vacay to some action on the boat, back to beach vacay, followed by beach boss, 1 chapter of Barret's story, to Gold Saucer vacay.

They focus a lot on Tifa's and Aerith's friendship. It works so well. It pays off. It's super cute. They do this so well with all the characters. In OG Tifa and Aerith feel like rivals for Cloud's attention. This is much better.

Cait Sith is so cute! I love him. His Moogle is so fluffy. They even do a better job at explaining why he betrays them. They also don't make his sacrifice feel like he is dying. It's dramatic but explained well enough that you know he will return in a minute or two. He also doesn't ruin a serious moment when he return by making a joke.

Added the Gi storyline about the black materia is really neat. I feel like it fleshes out Red's story a bit more. It also is just more world building. It's nice. The one other thing about Red. His voice changes when go to Cosmo Canyon. You find out he is young and he stops trying to act old. I kinda hate the youthful voice. I got used to it, but I like grumpy Red better.

Cid is likeable in this. Dare I say charming. In OG he is not. That is all I gotta say on that. Vincent is cool as always. You fight him. It's a hard but fun fight. Good stuff all around.

Finally learning Wedge's fate was heartbreaking. It does suck. But not surprising. They do a great job of sending the 7th Heaven crew off.

The theme song is very good. And the Gold Saucer date was very good. The whole hour long CH12 Loveless sequence is just amazing. Like one of the best things I've seen Final Fantasy do.

The final boss is really cool except for having no control over your party. That is infuriating. Especially during a moment where my only range character is Yuffie. I needed Barret. The party is randomized. I've watched another streamer and they had a completely different party.

Finally, let's talk about the end. It's super confusing. It starts showing many timelines and you don't realize that the mascot dog is you clue that it's a different timeline. It does this thing where fate still manages to catch up to everyone. Biggs still dies?, Zack gets tracked down by a group of solders in 2 universes and dies? One Zack manages to jump between universes and meet up with our Cloud for the final boss to then give you a fake out death and be placed back in his unverse again. It's a mess.

But even worse is the pivotal moment of Aerith's death. Does she die or not? It's so confusing and fakes you out many times. And you have no time to process it. You enter a 20 minute multi boss multi phase fight not understanding what is going on.

Your Aerith ends up dying. It's not clear though forever. One, it looks like Cloud deflects the blow. He doesn't? It takes like 23 seconds before she reacts to being stabbed. You never see her get stabbed though. It makes no sense that Cloud deflects the blow yet she still gets stabbed mortally. Then she collapses with no blood or any sign of injury. The rest of the characters gasp and then they all rage at a boss for 20 minutes. Followed by the final part of the boss where Aerith fights with Cloud. Your Aerith. Not another universe Aerith. Then she fades into the life stream after the fight. Confirmed dead? BUT WAIT! Then they show a scene with where Cloud tells her to wake up, and she does! So either that is the spirit of Aerith he tells to wake up or it is a new universe where he actually saves her? Anyways, your aerith is a force ghost only Cloud can see. Now add all the Zack stuff in that sequence too. It's so confusing.

It ruins a pivotal moment. It fails Aerith and her journey. You shouldn't have to deep dive into Youtube to understand the end. Like I understood, our Aerith died and is a force ghost only Cloud can see. But why fake us out so many times? There was no reason to make it such a mystery. You took one of the most powerful moments in gaming and made it super confusing. Added with the Zack stuff, it's even more confusing.

Tifa being sad about Aerith pays off this time. They were good friends. The whole party is sad. But they don't get to grieve like they do in OG. They don't bury her in the lake like in OG. They barely talk about. They focus so much on Cloud being about to see her force ghost and talking to her.

Great game. Needlessly confusing ending. There is a bit more to it than that. Like all the multiverse Aerith's seem to be making a plan. But still it leaves you so confused unlike Remake. Also one last thing. Remake's ending made it feel like major changes to the story were to come. To be honest, it didn't turn out that way. There are some big changes but a lot of adding more details but not changing much. The multiverse stuff is the biggest change.

Like I just feel as Remake promised major story changes but what we got was more detail but not much actually changes. Biggs dead. Wedge dead. Aerith dead. Like idk. The biggest thing being the multiverse Zach stuff. Which is cool. But it was not a huge part of the game until the end.

Also the whole mascot dog being your indicator of a different universe is not a good enough clue.

Yet again, I should not have to deep dive into Youtube to understand the end of you story. It's bad storytelling if I have to do that. I should not be left confused.

Yume Nikki is the PERFECT example of video games as an ART FORM.
This game changed my life, seriously. Once you plant the seed in your head, that this world is the dreams of the player character, the game becomes a solemn hike through the harrowing, enigmatic, and traumatizing memories of Madotsuki. You'll be immersed for hours, exploring, basking in emotions, trying to figure out what it all means.
And the game never tells you.
This game has me exploring thoughts I'd never considered before. It tapped into my fears of what could happen in my own life... but I feel like I've come of of this experience stronger.
One of the greatest art pieces of our time.