I cannot believe someone willingly gave Cage money for his next project after this. I cannot believe I'm asking, begging even, to make David put LESS gameplay into his games.

Lucas, our main boy, wakes up in a restaurant bathroom after just killing a man while he was possessed by some shady dude. Police arrives and Lucas has to run, making this the start point of our investigation. Who was that dude? How was Lucas possessed? Why him? What's next?

Well. That was a two-thousand year-old mayan priest trying to find a kid that has the secret to everything. Lucas was possessed with the power of ancient mayan ritual because he won possessing lottery. Nothing. I'm absolutely not sorry for spoilers by the way, fuck Cage and fuck you if you unironically love this game.

So now we are in the story about supernatural cults trying to conquer the world. Turns out, Lucas was supposed to die right after murder because everyone who did it in the past went mad and killed himself. But Lucas didn't. Why, you may ask. Midichlorians. That's literally the answer our uncaged storyteller gives us. Bloody midichlorians. And now, because Lucas knows he has them, he can fly, kill people with his mind, dodge bullets, and do anything else that could come to batshit insane mind of David Cage. A little bit later in the plot a sentient AI appears from author's ass to... ... ... look, it appears to give us third ending, okay? So, we find the prodigal kid, and all three powers gather for one last final battle to learn the secret of the universe.

Obviously Lucas destroys everyone with his huge midichlorianic balls and absolutely fucking nothing happens. The end.

Obviously evil cult kills everyone with the power of two thousand year-old priest-ness-y and absolutely fucking nothing happens. The end.

Obviously a sentient AI made from pure energy easily kills everyone and humanity fucking dies. The end.

Considering this was David's first experience with movie-as-a-game genre, let's see what he has for us in gameplay department. Three difficulties, wow. First being the literal movie and the third being fucking exhausting. Just so you know, the game has five minutes long QTE sequences where one mistake can send you to the start. And the timing is everything but generous. I'm talking about hard, of course. Stealth segments are absolutely retarded where you can't believe anything you see until you tried and errored your way through. And the dialogue options locking other dialogue options making you wonder what the bloody hell is going on here are making me hollow.

Do not under any circumstances touch this abomination. Even with a three meter stick.

By the way, the remaster you're offered is a disgrace. It's basically an emulator on a disc with the PS2 game. Thanks for nothing, David.

Playing this reminded me how much I miss commandos.

So you have a squad of three dudes, two dudettes and one bloodthirsty tanuki. The story begins with your three boys trying to blow up the castle in Osaka to help your beloved shogun win the war. Everything goes well, your sniper loses a leg and a new threat in the face of mysterious Kage-sama starts looming above your shogun-chan. That's how you'll be spending your days from now on - you really want to make your shogun happy and his enemy unhappy. Story itself is pretty generic, but some scenes in the end make if worth not dozing off while listening.

All characters have their own gimmicks bringing some variety on the table. You have your typical sniper, spy, trapper, big guy who can bring down other big guys and ordinary guy with a stone in hand. This game, of course, was not designed for your reflexes and requires you to utilize that shiny smooth brain you have. And developers really know their stuff. They actually understand that plan go well = brain give feel good chemicals. That's why, to enhance that jolt of good, they gave you a way with one button to simultaneously start your great plan that you built for ten minutes and which for sure will not backfire in a second.

Level design is extremely cool. Locations are colourful, we have some seasonal change which affect gameplay and it's just pleasant to look and traverse. I just wish we could enter building with their own little screens like in aforementioned commandos.

I'll also speak a little about Aiko's choice because I'm too lazy to write another entry just for a DLC. It's basically more of the same. But a lot more. Yeah, there are just three levels but every one of them is at least two hours long and in a new location all of which look stunning.

My only issue with this game is that this is not commandos 2 and I'm not a ten year old boy playing it deep into the night.

Ear raping developer logo screen when starting the game will forever haunt me though.

"This is definitely one of the games ever made. Beautiful drab brown environments. Amazing dudes with knifes as enemy and boss designs. Like reading air freshener ingredients in the toilet." - That was young and naïve me who still had a spark in his eyes and just finished the game for the first time in feburary 2023.

But as I am today writing this in may 2023, rugged and depressed, having tasted the entirety of the content this full-course meal made of shit has to offer, I'm telling you this. Why in the sake of the fuck couldn't they make a simple game you can sit down and simply enjoy with your buddies?

Here's how it went. We started the game and ventured out into the city. Cool, we thought, orange gamma, looks post-apocalypse-y, you can throw yourself out of the window from third store, good fun. Then we went into the next area. Same orange gamma, same buildings, same amount of cars at the end. "Wait, is this game procedurally generated?" I said. "Nah, dude, developers are just incompetent monkeys and didn't give a fuck about level design" replied my buddy. We laughed it off and continued on. But the thought that something is off did not leave me until we finished the game. I mean, why loading screens constantly told me how to enter sniper zoom if there is only one sniper rifle in the entire game? Why is there two and a half armor sets that all look like something from a fashion magazine for hobos? I started my investigation. I looked far and wide, and the revelation hit me like a brick.

Lets talk a bit about what random generation means. It means that you could have a perfect campaign filled with all those hand-crafted experiences and cool weapons and armor. Or it means you could hit dogshit RNG and all you get is a cum-drenched rag as armor and a couple of half cooked wet noodles as a weapon. And all the bosses you get are just B E E G versions of the same enemies you fought for five hours already. Try to guess on which end of the spectre did we end up. You know what? It took us more than thirty bloody hours dancing around a bonfire to get the stars to align so that we could get elf-parasite-queen set on swamps. Thirty hours for one fucking ring for 4% more damage with unarmed attacks. I hate myself.

**

Next I'll divide the text in two parts. First, my take on all the content the game has. Second, our quotes from our first playthrough as three joyous prancing little boys.

Let's talk weapons.
Opinion of tired me about what the game has to offer: the only weapons not making me want to vomit design-wise are beam rifle, default sniper rifle, winchester and revolver. Three out of these four are located in first area. All weapons are just brown blobs of polygons not creating any theme. There are no sexy ridges or anything your eye could catch. It's unbelievable how consistent these designers in producing shit. Are they warframe refugees or something? I refuse to believe someone finds these beginner artstation designs eye-pleasing. I won't even touch melee weapons because you won't use them anyway. And I'm saying it as a melee build who slashed his way forward without any resistance or impact or any joy for at least thirty hours. Sorry, forgot to mention the crossbow shooting literal rails which cause bleeding. That was hilarious.

Joyous boys quotes:
"Goddamn dude why is every single weapon we get is garbage? It either looks like shit, or fires like shit. The only cool thing apart from starter winchester is an SMG-Flammenwerfer. We're already near the final boss, why didn't we get something cool and not rusted over?"
"Dunno, I'm running with railgun and starting SMG which shreds everything, the weapon variety overall is pretty ok, I just don't feel like it's worth changing. The melee is absolutely useless though."
"The sniper rifle is pretty cool, especially with a 4x crit ring. Some smgs are acceptable, melee is shit. No idea why it's even in there. I mean, yeah, you could build a melee boy, but what's the point with such boring attack animations? The skills you can insert are okayish, diverse enough at least."

Let's talk bosses.
Opinion of tired me about what the game has to offer: shit, garbage and disappointment. If you played the game already, I'll let you try to remember how many bosses here were presented without a horde of trash mobs constantly spawning in arena before I'll give you an answer. Five. And four of these are from dlc and two of these are already 2v1 fights by default. Almost all bosses are literally common enemy but big. I have no idea what's the point of making those especially if your fucking excuse of a game is procedurally generated. Why did you not remove those placeholders as bosses and focus on creating a nice linear journey with unique bosses instead like in dark souls which you, developer bastards love so much? Ah, but of course, the reason of this is because "we are different from dark souls". Eat my ass. Also thank God Almighty for slapping you on the head and giving you an idea of Leto's armor, which breaks every insufferable boss encounter and is located in the first area. Truly an intervention of forces from above.

Joyous boys quotes:
"Wow, cool, another L A R G E common enemy. We completed the game and the best boss is that one dude who was running around and farting and then his pathfinding broke down and he just stood there until we killed him."
"It's cool that some bosses have gimmicks like those beetles where you can summon the second one early but with less hp. The overall boss design is dogshit."
"The bosses are pretty meh as a souls-like, honestly. I don't remember anything hard or interesting. Although I liked those two flying moth girls, they were fine. Also have you nothing else to do other than asking me that?"

Let's talk locations.
Opinion of tired me about what the game has to offer: have you seen any screenshots? Can you imagine walking through the SAME corridors for eighty plus hours? What is the reason in creating one single corridor and then copying it with another name? Were you lazy? Incompetent? You can tell me, I wont blame you. I just want to know why every single location looks as a creative wasteland. There's your standard city, standard forest, standard snow forest, standard brown swamp. I felt like those decorations siphoned away my ability of art appreciation. And there are fucking quake levels in a desert, que mierda?

Joyous boys quotes:
"Ok, so there is a skill that lets you throw yourself out of the window faster and the only location with windows was earth. What the fuck, game? Ok, even if those locations are randomly generated, you could at least make more than three bloody corridors. Goddamn I hate it. I won't even speak about fucking swamp and desert biomes. The only one left for a shit bingo is sewers. Wait, there are caves in swamp area. Yay, we got a bingo! And in the end we'll get another extremely disappointing boss or another ring for AIDS status application while vomiting +0.5%."
"Pretty much, yeah, the city is cool though. I also liked the forest. Well, that hanged city area."
"There's just too little things to populate areas with. I have no focal point in my memory. It's just blandness all around."

**

Story is nonexistent but the game has those random lore dumps in loading screens which most likely were written by Timothy Dexter. The one particular world-building phrase broke me. It was "Folks don't believe it, but they once used this stuff to make tanks that fly." Now tell me, dear game. Why did people forget how helicopters are called but remembered tanks? Why are there "assault rifle" or "chiсago typewriter" weapons? Why only helicopters were wiped from mankind's memory? Oi, developer cucks, do you have a childhood trauma regarding helicopters? Did they do something bad to you? Show me on this doll where did they touch you.

Ah, yes, I forgot that there is a survival mode. Well, making a rogue-like mode without any way to put the game down and continue another day is definitely a game-development thing. Especially considering one run could last for five motherfucking hours. Or you could just get a vermintide biome in a first wave and call it a day because every goddamn boss there is bloody broken. Great job, game. I also want to tell grandma selling estus burgers to suck my dick for refusing to speak with me and leaving me with four burgers and a hundred heal bottles for the rest of the game.

Fuck this game and fuck you, dear defensive reader, for loving it.

If you read through all that wall of text I want you to know that you are amazing and deserve to be loved. Unlike this monstrous abortion survivor of a game.

Can't wait for a second one! 👍

Ehh... I hoped it would be better.

Open world was a mistake. Everybody tells that OOH THIS OPENWOLD IS SO GOOD SO FULL OF CONTENT AND ALL. No, it's not. And I'm tired of clearing dungeon #50 with same three stone dogs boss fight and another talisman of diarrhea protection +1.

The thing is, I love exploring this game. It looks gorgeous. I had fun going down those dungeons in hope of finding something interesting. And when I traverse another yellow fog wall, thinking what boss will I fight now.... dogs, it's going to be dogs almost every fucking time. And when it's not a dog it will be a cancerous flailing biomass monster or dude in armor. And it's just same ubisoft busywork but with dungeons instead of bandit camps. And that makes me feel hollow.

Although I love character story quests, as always, they are amazing. Of course knowing Miyazaki not a single story here ends well and it is all the more heavy to finally sit at a bonfire to reset the world for the last time to come visit your friend who didn't make it in his or her journey.

Do you know how many unique non-repeated bosses are there? I mean, bosses who you will not fight a second time or meet in random dungeon or something like this? Eight (including that cosmic sack of shit in the end). Do you know how many are actually fun to fight and not being a giant madly flailing biomass of bullshit jumping across the arena? Three. You will meet almost every goddamn boss at least three times. Tell me how open world was a good decision for this game and how full of content it is. I think Miyazaki is more busy making another fucking poisonous bog than to make an interesting boss fight.

If you actually ignore around 80% of "content" here it would be good. Just skip all dungeons that do not lead to any additional locations. It would be amazing if only there weren't so many goddamn repetition. Yeah, It's beautiful and all, but was it really worth it?

Oh yeah, and the scythe moveset makes me sad. Remembering how gorgeous was the moves of Friede's scythes I hoped for at least something similar but for some insane fucking reason scythes now have vertical slices instead of horizontal and why the fuck do they? That's not how bloody scythes work, you dinguses.

You are the member of the Action Squad. It is you who are called when the ordinary SWAT can't handle the pressure of the situation. It is you who are coming to clean their shit and wash their pants. Your weapons are always ready. Doors will not hold you. Hostages will not stop you. Bombs do not scare you. You are the Justice and you are the Law.

Overall, great fun with tons of possible loadouts and fuckups. Did your buddy playing Breacher disintegrated a room with a hostage in it while you were trying to get those three stars? Did you absolutely accidentally fed a granny your boot and she died of testosterone poisoning? Oh well, here we go killing again.

The music is great, visuals are pleasing, considering this whole game is around 63MB its amazing there are even details on the background at all. Yeah, gameplay gets pretty repetitive near the end but then you get to the DLC and it introduces ways of playing you never thought before, new enemies and even bosses.

Great. Just great. Don't forget to only play in co-op. And Assaulter sucks.

It's... not as good as I wanted it to be.

After playing through entire We Were Here series, this feels a little incompetent. Yeah, there are some interesting puzzles, but nothing I actually will remember. Except, probably, the moment my partner killed someone with a roomba.

I feel like the concept was not explored enough. The agent and hacker both feel exactly the same, slowly progressing mass. I think if there would be more actual gameplay weaved into puzzle-solving, like agent has to actually be fast on reflexes while running/hiding and hacker at the same time tries to disable drones coming out to get his partner to actually give players some tension, the game would be much better.

For now it's just inferior and less fun iteration of We Were Here. And the last puzzle is literally Keep Taking but shit.

I'll wait for their next game in hopes of all that getting better.

Letting Cuckmann lead this was a mistake. This disgustingly uninspired mess of a game definitely should not get as much attention as it got.

Cuckmann told us that he likes to tell simple stories with complex characters, right? Then where are those characters? We have amazingly cartoonish bad guy who wears his hair backwards just so everyone knows he is bad. We have Nate's brother who were never mentioned anywhere at all for the sole reason to die/disappear/go away. Drake is a lost lamb who does not know what to do. Elena is a strong independent woman who knows exactly what she and Nate should do. The only character here is Sally who appears in couple of episodes and just plays dad role for everyone. Also the dramatic moment in the end where Nate is going after his brother alone because others cant get over the wall is bullshit considering the game has been wanking off to Drake's rope for 20 hours.

The music and sounds are shallow as a puddle. Elena is most likely voiced by a neural network.

The environments are overloaded as fuck. It's pretty, sure, but there is no character to it. This should not be a tech-demo.

Gameplay-wise we only have dudes shooting at us and they come in three flavors. Ordinary ones, armored ones and minigun ones. And you can distinguish them by... nothing. It's just same dude shooting at you with different pew-pew sticks.

The story is dragged-on somewhat over 15 hours but might as well be a six year imprisonment in a tower on an uninhabited island. It has nothing to tell, nothing to show but surely wants to have all of your time.

Overall compared to the previous installments, even the goddamn first one it does not stand. It was a drag to play, a drag to listen and a drag to remember now.

Fuck this game.

Holy shit, I almost killed myself while playing it.

I don't even know where to start. Lets begin with positives.

I liked characters. Most of them, at least. Yeah, they maybe aren't true according to history, but talking with constantly horny smug greeks and to be one of them was a fun experience. We wont mention generic quest giving NPCs because they might as well be carved pumpkins with task description and payment nearby.

I guess that's all there is in positive drawer.

Gameplay. Ugh. I do not know why, but for some reason dickfucks from montreal decided to scrap all progression there was in Origins (which I have absolutely no problem with) and present player a big pile of steamy shit. Ok, lets get an example. On medium difficulty and default settings you cannot assassinate anybody. And I mean ANYBODY. Your only hope is to have skill that gives you double assassination damage for one tension bar. And that doesn't work at least half the time. Fighting groups of enemies is absolutely no fun at all because if you spot anybody wielding dual knifes - it's too late for you to fight. Every fight can go either you steamrolling opponents or you dying in one hit. Progression is nonexistent. It stops at level 50, but you still have 49 more levels to go. And you won't get to it. I completed every single location and all quests and finished this garbage around level 74. I won't even talk about exponential growing cost of upgrading anything. Fuck this.

Plot. Well, you are a child of 300 year-old Socrates who wields the staff making him immortal and now it's your turn to take it from him. There, I spoiled you main plot, you don't have to touch this now. Additionally, you are searching for your family, killing cultists and gathering apples for... what, exactly? You have no motivation, all your family members are goddamn brats who deserve to get a punch in the face. Your father is nobody, but for some reason you are following his command. Templars are just... there? I mean, I killed most of them randomly not even know they were templars. This convoluted mess of incoherent writing coming from dementia driven monkey almost made me hollow.

I read a lot of shit regarding copy-paste world design in this game. And it's all true. And I don't mean that there are a hundred same-y bandit camps. I mean there are a hundred of EXACLTY. SAME. bandit camps. They didn't even bother to move some boxes or enemies to another place. Even neural network could handle this better. You know what this series is all about? It's about jumping on roofs of pretty cities and do retarded shit like syncing towers or opening chests. It's zen-like, you just relax and run around. How can I jump on roofs of pretty cities if all building there look like your first-night dirt house in minecraft? I don't even know why anybody in sane mind would play it.

Don't. Just don't. Stay away. It's better to watch the paint dry than play this.

Unofficial Earth Defense Force spin-off telling the story of government-employed ninja who fight primal worms trying to take over the world.

I had two issues with this game not counting that you have to manually unlock FPS every time you start it. First, there was no controller support for me at all. Surprisingly, the game runs absolutely fine on keyboard and mouse giving me no issues with it whatsoever. Second, random crashes after cutscenes. I have no idea why but it just happens. Anyway, that were all technical difficulties I remembered. Now, to game.

No, you don't have to only use heavy sword to fight enemies. I personally had more fun using double swords and found they dealt same amount of damage but with more style points. I'm sure the same could be said about ordinary katana but its moveset is too boring for me to be used. To my amazement I didn't feel like the gameplay was dragging for too long and the game was over before I started complaining. Alas, the bosses get reused near the end making you feel cheated of another over-the-top spectacle that could have been. Also timed ant-lion boss fight that does not work due to bombs not registering explosion when they are right inside his model (actually now that I think about it, it could be that the boss just has too much health for fun battle) can suck my telescopic ninja sword. And for some reason couple of snail helicopters just stopped in midair doing nothing mid fight. But I just assumed that snails piloting helicopters are not entirely the smartest and moved on with my fun. Ah, yes, turret sections are... there. It's definitely a thing that exists there.

Visuals are as varied as ubisoft's open worlds. You always will be fighting in some sort of grey box with only difference being visible skybox. Even level on a plane is just a grey box moving through the air. Seeing such masterfully crafted locations as grey box, grey box under ground, grey box that resembles mall and other variations of grey boxes makes you feel like you died and reincarnated in 2007 cover based shooter.

Even though this game was most likely slapped together in a week I had a lot of fun. Quick time events are constant, yeah, but they are anything but hard. Direction of cutscenes is still amazing and combat doesn't get in the way of enjoyment. I think I would like another game like this today but with actual level design. God bless Keiichiro Ogawa.

This should have been the original game.

Well, where do we start? We now have gameplay that works, for starters. And improvements in absolutely every single part of it. Enemies now don't take hours to light up, we get new guns that feel different (even revolver now does not require you to jerk off your reload button to make it faster). Collectibles are no longer in the hundreds and are marked on your radar making you wonder why wasn't this in the original?

I don't care enough for resolution or graphics quality but finally seeing anything other than goddamn woods almost made me tear up. And shadow bastards now no longer gang-raping you if you step out of the road. Wow.

Voice acting quality, though, is oof level. For some reason I was constantly reminded of Subverse's girls. And they sound much, much more enticing and competent.

The plot is that Mr. Scratch now taking over your life and you are trapped in dream world resembling one of spooky show episodes. And that is actually all. After four hours you get told that all you've done is basically nothing and did not count. Scratch is still in real world, and you are still in the dream one.

Overall, much more playable version of Alan Wake with less self-indulgent bullshit and more fun. I would honestly prefer to complete this three times than original game once.

How dare some no name indie developers make a horror game on unity which is actually awesome?

I was extremely surprised when I played this game. Gorgeous environments, puzzles that require at least a bit of thinking to solve, solid gunplay, multiple types of enemies and all this being sold for dirt cheap on steam.

I also want to note that the camera here is static like in old survival horror games and some camera placements are just chef's kiss. It may be possibly be kind of be the best horror game I played this year. And I played a lot of them.

Thanks, developer dudes, for showing me that there is still some talent out there. I will eagerly wait for your next horror project.

Oh yeah, fuck monkeys puzzle, fuck piano puzzle and fuck sewers because nobody likes sewers. Other than that the game is awesome and you definitely should play it now.