Happy 4/13. I don't know why the fuck this is in here, it's not even a game, but it's a nice reminder of something I was big into during 2017-2018

When I was about to win, the Dealer robbed me of my moment by offing himself first. You bastard, I might have won the briefcase with cash, but I didn't win the battle... pensive emoji

This is my favorite game of all time

Next year I’ll think of a more creative april’s fools joke but sometimes less is more

Have you ever been in the unfortunate position of reading someone say that Dark Souls III relies too heavily in "fanservice crammed with references from the first game" (or something similar)? If you have, try contacting whoever said it, and send them the link to this page!

You might be saving a life by doing this. Remember, only you can teach others on the internet how sequels work.

It takes a special kind of game to make me hate it as much as AM hated humans in "I have no mouth and I must scream", every grueling second I spent playing Valorant was miserable, and it got so bad it took me to the point where I genuinely thought for a moment that playing League or Overwatch are better experiences than playing this fucking thing, HATE. HATE IS ALL I FEEL FOR VALORANT

This review contains spoilers

[Flagged for spoilers because I briefly talk about the ending and the story overall]

While I usually don't tend to go back to games I played a long time ago (or games I rated four stars or lower) to give them lengthy reviews, I figured it could be a good time to make an exception, and do something like Square Enix did by dropping a remake of Crisis Core a year leading up to Rebirth, so everyone gets to know who Zack is, and get my genuine thoughts of the Remake project in general out there. Because when I'm done with Rebirth I get the feeling I'm gonna wish I had done this before.

Final Fantasy VII is one of my favorite games in the world. My Hall of Favorites might shift around a lot, but the original FFVII is one of those games that remains in the Top 3 consistently, and while I also think I should save that story for a review of that game, I'm gonna save it for an eventual revisit.

Let's go back to mid 2019, where the first trailers after a long period of radio silence were first starting to drop. It was a special time to be an FFVII enjoyer, but also one of uncertainty, as by this point we had already been confirmed that the Remake wouldn't be the full game. There was also the concern that anyone would have when their favorite piece of media is being remade, "Are they going to fuck it up somehow?"

Months later, it's 2020, the game is finally out, and it feels as magical as we all envisioned it. Midgar has never looked better, and the first couple of chapters are the strongest first impression a game could give. It feels good to play, every character has their own unique way of being controlled, and the materia system is surprisingly well implemented, there was that care I was hoping to see put into a game of this caliber.
Hell, even the new sections were proving to be interesting, and the new characters (Roche, I'm looking at you) or more well-developed returning ones (Avalanche guys I'm also looking at you) are ticking all the right boxes. It's clear that good characterization was a priority when making this game because they all feel like their best versions from all those years of the Compilation, and the music feels as fantastic and special as its MIDI versions were, it was feeling like Heaven.

But something is not quite right, Sephiroth is showing up earlier on, like waaaaaaaaaaay earlier on, and while I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing, I think he's the only one whose characterization gets hurt by this a lot more. It's true that Sephiroth might not be the mysterious figure he once was in the Original and that now everyone knows who he is, but I truly feel like him showing up as hallucinations kind of serve no purpose (aside from maybe setting up things for those who haven't played the original) until nearly the end of the game where he actually shows up in the flesh.

But ok, if that was the only issue, I would let it slide, however, now there are weird looking Ghosts showing up every now and then, what the fuck is up with that?

Like I said, segments that were in the original return shining even brighter, the Honey Bee Inn Dance number, Infiltrating Corneo's Mansion, Train Graveyard, The Fall of the Plate, Infiltrating Shinra's HQ (SPECIALLY if you take the Stairs), It's all there, and it's a treat to watch... until the weird ghosts, now known as Whispers start becoming more and more present in the story, I'm sure that by now, you might have seen overblown hatred for them, which honestly I kind of feel its justified. They feel like a meta mockery put there by the writers directed at the fans that wanted nothing changed in "their" story, and that they are the ones in charge of everything. At the time, I thought it was borderline arrogant, and I would have a lower respect for VII Remake, if it wasn't because of the ending, hear me out on this, I promise I'll explain what I mean by that in a moment

The final chapter of Remake which should lead to the events of the main party leaving Midgar, is where the storytelling grabs you by the balls and doesn't let go, not only it becomes a bizarre festival of references from the original and other points of the Compilation, they also tossed Sephiroth in there as a final boss because I assume they just didn't want to close off the game without giving players the chance to square up with him even if it's not entirely consistent with the rest of the story. But once he's defeated, is where the actual hand of the story gets shown, and where things once again click for me

Not only the Avalanche gang is still alive, but Zack somehow also is, the heavy implication that things might not play out the way we expect them to, is surprisingly brought up. Once again, the mysteries and story beats of FFVII are once again that, mysteries. It's once again a game you can be spoiled on, it's a new story I'm invested in, and I want to see how it develops, in what new ways I get impressed and get my heartstrings tugged.

If it wasn't clear enough for me before, it's clear enough now:

This isn't a remake, it's a retelling of the original Final Fantasy VII, and it's entire compilation

Which makes me bring up the question again of "Did they manage to fuck it up?", it might be a yes for some, a no for others, whatever you think you are valid for doing so even if we disagree.
It's personally hard for me to answer, because I just don't know how to answer it, maybe I won't be able to do it until I finish Rebirth. Hell, maybe I won't be able to answer it until the Trilogy itself is finished. But all I know is that I'm on board, and if they DO fuck it up, the original will still be there for me, with its goofy translation mistakes and its outdated, but charming look. But for the time being, there is no getting off this train I'm on.

Hi guys, it's me, Team Funkin's Personal Crack dealer. I figured that it would be a nice time to sit down and write a proper review of the game of one of my most supportive clients, and since I'm here bored, sitting in the living room of my luxurious $2million mansion with my laptop, there's no better time like the present to do it.

First and foremost, I want to say that if you were one of the hopeful players that pledged to the overly ambitious kickstarter of a team of 4 guys, I'm really sorry, and I hope that you get your game eventually (although I wouldn't personally be on the expectation of it releasing soon lmao), but also I thank you from the bottom of my heart because now thanks to it, I have two state-of-the-art racing cars parked outside my crib, I really couldn't be living a better life!

Now I have sidetracked enough, it's time to properly review the current state of the game. FNF is an easily moddable rhythm game— wait hold on, someone is calling me I think my FBI agent isn't on board with me bragging about being a Crack dealer, I promise to finish this review later, just like Team Funkin promised they are working on the game and on the kickstarter physical rewards

They added Feel Good Inc. to the game, they are going straight for my heart with that one

Anything good I said about Returnal still pretty much applies here, this DLC serves to scratch the itch of wanting to play it without committing to the usual roguelike elements of it, and going for a more arcade vibe.
Originally I had no plans of playing it because I thought it was just a simple endless mode + it had no co-op, so I wouldn't be able to play it with my brother, but I was told it had some new additions to the lore to expand Selene's relationship with her mother, (plus more and more greek mythology references keep popping up, that apply surprisingly well to the game, and I'm just a nerd for that kind of stuff), and I think it does that pretty well!

Except for this epilogue cutscene you can unlock after the ending that kind of falls flat, other that, I see myself coming back to this game occasionally whenever I want to scratch the itch of this specific type of gameplay loop

I wrote this review at 1am so it might not be my best sorry if its hella incosistent lol

Anyone who has been exposed to Youtube Shorts recently has probably seen the meteoric rise of popularity that PirateSoftware's clips (and streams) had, and with good reason. Thor is just that kind of person that has worked hard to get to the place he deserves, and I'm glad he's finding success more and more by the day, he has certainly been an inspiration to me to try out and tap into my creative ideas after not doing so for a long while

But does the success of his media channels translate well into his game? So far, yeah! It's hard to have a strong opinion on it right now, since it's still on early access which means the main focus of it, which is the story, probably hasn't showed half of its best cards yet, but the ones it has shown so far, are looking very good and are very, very charming. So keep your eyes peeled for this one when its completed

And if you aren't sure if this game would be for you, you can always buy the demo, though that might leave you financially broke, consider yourself warned

To me... Crazy Taxi, is just a Normal Taxi

The amount of energy people put into talking about games they hate is kind of fascinating. At most, when I have talked about games I hated here, I either go straight to the point, or I call them sauceless like I did with Chocobo GP, or I’ll just say that maybe the game isnt for me and move on

Fire Emblem Fates fucking sucks ass, it’s absolutely sauceless and it’s definitely not for me

Batmobile segments taste so good when you ain't got a bitch in ya ear telling you they are bad

Except the Deathstroke one that's actually fucking dogshit

My opinion about the game hasn't changed, I'm just logging it again because I P Ranked Minos Prime yesterday, and there is still a spring in my step about it